Next stop… Whores!
Posts tagged toilet
Ding Dong Ditch!!
Feb 11th
Gary Jr. is such a god damn mess. So last night I was sitting on the toilet when I heard the doorbell ring. Jay buzzed in whoever it was, and I could hear him say “hello?”. Apparently it was no one though. I just figured it was some douche bag kids pushing buttons as they walked by. I was half right. I checked twitter soon after and I saw this entry:
The image he posted was this:
I responded to his tweet, because don’t you ever get that close to my house without stopping in to say hello… hell no!
Gary Jr. claimed he made Misha drive way out of the way to do it since they were in town picking something up. But we all know that he was actually a block away eating sushi which in turn made him sleepy, so he had to head home right after. Don’t ever try to lie to me either bitch. You just wait til I am in Oakland next time.
Nick’s Greatest Moments: The Roommate Incident
Jun 23rd
If you are a friend of mine then there is a side of me you know and fear that is fed with alcohol and anger. It’s when I lose my shit, and innocent souls get thrown out of my apartment. This is not one of those stories though… This is a story about when I didn’t lose control of my temper, and instead I sought out my revenge in other ways.
Back in 2000 my friend Melody and I would make a lot of short films (like Stuff, Stuff 2: Hella Stuff, Stuff 3: Hecka Tight Stuff, and Birth: The Millennium). A lot of this filming took place at her apartment around 8pm to 10pm… Like totally normal hours that people are awake and shit. Well she has this fucking whore bitch of a roommate who always found something to complain to the landlord about. Like… I didn’t put the toilet seat down, or someone drank her orange juice, or someone left the window open, or Melody and her boyfriend have loud sex and it wakes me up. Oh yea… she was a total pain in the ass.
One night I headed over to Melody’s to finish filming Stuff 2: Hella Stuff, and her cunty roommate answered the door.
- Me: Hi
- Cunt: Sorry… it’s after 10. I don’t want you guys hanging out here again today.
*door slam*
Oh hunnnnss. I was livid! The nerve of this bitch trying to tell us what we can and can’t do. So I called up Melody and she came down to let me in to her house. Just as I walk into the house, the cunt opens her mouth.
- Cunt: If I hear one peep from you two I am calling the cops.
- Melody: You do that.
I wanted to go off on this bitch so bad, but I restrained myself since Melody had to live with her. Luckily I hadn’t started drinking. What! So once Melody and I get into her room upstairs we decide that we should just go back to my place because she is obviously on the rag and we are not in the mood to battle it out with her. Before we leave though an idea popped into my head… we should fuck with her shit in a way that she would never know, but would amuse us when she was around and take the focus off her cuntness.
We took turns going into the bathroom, taking the cunts shampoo and spitting the nastiest lugies in it. We also cleaned the toilet with her toothbrush, and Melody peed a little in her conditioner.
Let me tell you every time we saw her after that it was so hard not to laugh in her face. Good times. We did it again right before Melody moved out, but that time we put hydrogen peroxide in her conditioner. I doubt that made her hair turn lighter, but it was still funny.
And that… is one of Nick’s Greatest Moments.
Question of the Week (03/06 – 03/12)
Mar 6th
This week’s question was asked by Roman from Fresno, CA:
Q: Answer the following questions using no more than one sentence?
What person/s do you most credit with shaping who you are?
–Mostly the co-workers I had at Dimple Records.
If you were stranded on a desert island, what three people would you most want with you?
–Jay for logistical reasons, Alfie for strength, and Gary Jr. for humor and a source of food if we run out.
Who was the last person you know that you fantasized about having sex with?
–I probably my neighbor
Did you masturbate to this fantasy?
–No.. well not yet. haha
How long should foreplay last?
–Depends… anywhere from 5 to 15 minutes..
How long should intercourse last?
–Meh.. I say get it over with as fast as possible..
Have you ever licked food off of another person’s nipples or genitals?
–I don’t think I have.
Estimate: What is the most orgasms you’ve had in a single 24 hour period?
–Maybe 5 I think.
Have you ever engaged in a sexual activity while sitting on the toilet?
–No.. nothing like that should ever involve a toilet.
Have you ever done illegal drugs off the nipples or genitals of someone else?
–I don’t do those things..
What is the shortest period of time that you’ve had sex with someone after meeting them for the first time?
–10 or 15 minutes
Have you ever videotaped yourself having sex?
–Yes.. and when I watched it back it was like a horror movie.
Could you really just have sex with one person for the rest of your life?
–To be honest… probably not. oops.
What would your mom say if she could see how you answered these questions you sick fuck?
–She would be disappointed and wonder what she did wrong when raising me.
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Stay tuned for the other responses this week.