Lady Sings Americano

The first cassette I ever purchased with my own allowance money was something FABULOUS! The year: 1989. (Even though the album came out in September 1988, it wasn’t very popular until the next year). The album: Hangin’ Tough by New Kids on the Block.

I remember being so in love with Jordan Knight. This girl in my glass named Allison Geyer (I think) had a whole binder of just photos of him from Tiger Beat and other kid magazines. And we used to sit under one of the trees and look at her folder and sing NKOTB songs. I still tear up when I hear “I’ll Be Loving You (Forever)”. And thus Sweetums was born.

I had met Gary Jr. at some weird farmer’s market thing in the Civic Center area, and he was holding a live chicken. He kept making jokes about fattening it up and eating it later on. Now I didn’t know him that well, so I figured anything was possible. It just made the experience of living in San Francisco even stranger. But you know I wasn’t going to ask questions or anything. He wasn’t used to my brutal honesty yet.

We decided to head back to his place and clean up before going out for drinks. I got on the 5-Fulton bus first and then Gary Jr. attempted to as well. The bus driver stopped him:

• Bus Driver: No live chickens on the bus!
• Gary Jr.: What? I’m not going to let it loose or anything.
• Bus Driver: No… No live chickens!

I stood up thinking we were going to have to get off the bus, but then Gary Jr. did something so shocking! He looked down at the chicken, grabbed its neck and broke it… killing the chicken! He then looked back at the driver, and walked passed him and sat down by me. I was in shock, and I was embarrassed… and I kinda felt bad for the chicken.

• Me: So what are you going to do with it now?
• Gary Jr.: I’ll eat it. So what, who cares!

And that… is one of Nick’s Greatest Moments.

Lady Sings and Wants To Know If She’s Scaring You Tonight

Lady Sings for Santa Baby

Lady Sings the Carols

But you should certainly never leave a message to record for all posterity your messiness. Lady sings the Mess.

Madness will certainly ensue. Lady sings the madness.

On the ride home, Benutty requested we play the soundtrack to the Rocky Horror Picture Show.

Never let Benutty request a Rocky Horror Sing-a-Long while Gary Jr. recovers from camping fatigue. Madness (some might even call it genius) ensues.

Lady Sings the Opening

Gary Jr.

YouTube  — Jesse Tyler Ferguson Does Gaga
First, you know I love Modern Family and the gay couple. Well, what could be better than 1/2 of that gay couple singing a lounge version of Alejandro. Plus, you know how much I love loungey cocktail music. Damn. I want JTF’s babies…especially because he is gay in real life and I must therefore believe that he is also a chubby chaser (since everything on TV is true).

iPhone App — LoseIt
Yes, I jumped on the bandwagon this month thanks to Heifer 1 and Heifer 2. I’ve been dieting since April 1. I had a little set back this week only losing .5 pounds but since April 1, I have lost 8.5 pounds and 10.5 from my heaviest (which was mid-March).

Movie ReRun – Shaun of the Dead
It’s just so funny. It’s been on Comedy Central this month. I love that for the whole morning commute during the opening scenes everyone is dead tired and zombie-like and then 20 minutes those same scenes happen again except everyone around him is a zombie. I love zombie movies like nobody’s business. I even have zombie exit strategies. I think about this shit while I’m playing Catan in the restroom.

Music– Shampain by Martina and the Diamonds
So I’ve been riding my exercise bike a lot. And I’ve been grooving out to my jams. But let me tell you that I pump a lot faster when this Martina and the Diamonds diddy comes on the shuffle. The clip calls it Shampain Sleeper but it’s just Shampain. Also about 2 weeks ago, I tweeted some lyrics from this song and Nick got mad at me for drinking champagne when I should be dieting. Bitch, I was singing and not cheating. I feel celestial! Yyyes.

Benutty

Music – Mary J. Blige‘s “Stairway to Heaven“
This shit is amazing. I wasn’t too big of a fan of it when it first came out, but after seeing her perform it on American Idol I jumped on board. Compared to all the other idiots who performed awful renditions of otherwise good songs (see: Rihanna, Alicia Keys, Ke$ha, Adam Lambert) on the show, MJB proved that she’s still in the business for a reason! — she knows how to sing and how to put on a good show. And, seriously, who else could pull off a LZ song like that?

Glee Quote – Santana in “The Power of Madonna”
“It’ll be great for my image, and Sue will promote me to head cheerleader. It’s win-win.” This bitch is so classic. Love her to death. Nick told me there’s a rumor the Cheerios might get their own spin-off, and if Santana and Brittany are a part of it then it’ll surely be gaymazing.

iPhone App – We Rule
Hello! It’s Farmville meets Sim City and it is wondrous. I got everyone hooked on it and I can’t freaking wait until I grow enough broccoli to purchase my Magic Emporium and a second Watch Tower! Ooh girl, gotta go collect taxes from my cottages. Huhhnns. I kind of want an iPad just so I can play this on a bigger screen.

D@2 Post – Guest Blog by FrankieRose
I was proud of lil sis for coming up with such a great D@2-inspired post. Before she submitted this for the Guest Blogger contest she sent me the picture via text and I almost died. This killed me. Love that Gary Jr. is a secret real estate agent in Sacramento. I bet he can spread his legs for the Real Estate King like A. Bening does in A. Beauty.

Nick

Music – Ultrasound

So I found this shizzz on iTunes a couple weeks, and it’s totally gay and I love it!!  Check it out and dance.

iPhone App – Blokus

Yes Hunnnsss. Blokus has an iPhone app and it’s so goodies you’lll gag with orgasms.  It’s 4.99 right now but I am sure the price will lower soon.

YouTube Clip – Bathtub Fun

It really doesn’t matter what’s going on in this video… the guy in it is fucking hot.  So turn it on and take your dicks out.

D@2 Post: Sweetums Premiere

Um Gary Jr. is a damn mess and this is the proof.  Love it like a cold sore.

I thought about it long and hard and then realized she’d found my Sweetums performance of Kylie Minogue. The day that started it all. So I responded with “Is that a Kylie reference?”

Not a second goes by and Sveta responds with “Or the sound of a dying cat singing her song.”

Oh Sveta dies at 2am. And welcome to the Haus of Hunnies, Sveta. You evil evil woman!

I’m so sorry that I’ve been silent for so long. You see, I went to the Russian River Valley for a weeklong spa vacay with Misha. It was so much fun. We drank too much wine and made way too many babies. Anyhoo, after that we headed right into the studio. I guess I forgot to tell you all that back in October Kylie’s people (Steve Anderson, thanks Stevie) caught wind of my Sweetums series. They were in Oakland for her first concert in the States and checking out the local talent. A boa and a Divine tribute later, Kylie was eating out of my well-manicured hand. Or…I was eating out of hers. She loved Sweetums and immediately offered me a recording contract on the Bubbles Devere label. Yyyyes. Hunnies is now famous.

The world premiere of my music video was awesome. Kylie showed up. Gaga was there. Oprah introduced me to my adoring fans. I wasn’t given enough tickets to invite the hunnies. Oopsies. So I sent my film crew to the Haus of Hunnies to record them on premiere night. Enjoy!