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Second… how crazy is that fucking guy on Top Chef: Just Desserts??  Oh..  girl you need to calm down, and breathe…   “the red hots were for my mommy”… serious issues!   No one needs to cry that much during a quickfire challenge… its not like you were going to get eliminated for not finishing.

Well let’s hope the rest of the week is as entertaining as last night:

Thursday – 8pm

• ABC – My Generation
• CBS – Big Bang Theory / $#*! My Dad Says
• FOX – Bones
• NBC – Community / 30 Rock
• CW – Vampire Diaries

–My Generation looks like it could be cute, but I think I will wait to watch it at a later time.. like on Hulu or something… or maybe DVR…    Obviously I love Community and 30 Rock… so I’ll be watching those on Thursdays.

Thursday – 9pm

• ABC – Grey’s Anatomy
• CBS – CSI
• FOX – Fringe
• NBC – The Office / Outsourced
• CW – Nikita
• Bravo – Real Housewives of D.C.
• Lifetime – Project Runway

–Duh.. Project Runway is one of my favorite shows.   I was interested in seeing Outsourced because it is basically what I do… manage Indians in customer service, but it has been getting super shitty reviews.

Thursday – 10pm

• ABC – Private Practice
• CBS – The Mentalist
• FOX – Local News = Blah
• NBC – The Apprentice
• CW – Local News = Blah
• FX – Always Sunny in Philadelphia
• Lifetime – Project Runway (Continued) / On The Road w/Austin and Santino
• MTV – Jersey Shore

–Can I just say that I think On The Road w/ Austin and Santino is one of the best shows on TV. Hahahaha.  Love it!   Everything else at 10pm sucks.

What are you bitches watching tonight?

Wednesday – 8pm

• ABC – The Middle / Better With You
• CBS - Survivor: Nicaragua
• FOX – Hell’s Kitchen
• NBC – Undercovers
• CW – America’s Next Top Model

–Obviously I am watching Survivor… any show that gives me the chance to see a guys junk jiggle around in his wet underwear is going to be at the top of my list.   I’m also slightly interested in the Undercovers… I think I’ll DVR it and watch it sometime when I am bored.   I love Hell’s Kitchen also… but that is just like a good show to watch when the others are reruns.

Wednesday – 9pm

• ABC – Modern Family / Cougar Town
• CBS – Criminal Minds
• FOX – Hell’s Kitchen (Continued)
• NBC – Law & Order: Special Victims Unit
• CW – Hellcats
• Bravo: Top Chef: Washington DC (Reunion Special)
• Discovery – Man vs. Wild

–I’m not caught up on Modern Family (I know.. lame), but I need to start watching it now.  Thank god Glee is not on at the same time as it this year.

Wednesday – 10pm

• ABC – The Whole Truth
• CBS – The Defenders
• FOX – Local News = Blah
• NBC – Law & Order: Special Victims Unit (Continued)
• CW – Local News = Blah
• Bravo – Top Chef: Just Desserts
• TLC -LA Ink
• TV Land – She’s Got The Look

–You know I love Top Chef…   To be honest I have never heard of “The Whole Truth” or “The Defenders”… so I have no clue if I should want to watch them.  Anyone know anything about those two?

So… What will you be watching tonight?

Aunt F: not sure about playing this season, don’t really like all the lying to the face stuff, I’m too sensitive. Maybe I can help?
Benutty: No. You’re going to play.
Aunt F: You can’t make me. Gary Jr. might kill me.
Benutty: He loves you. He’d want to be on your tribe. Think of all the pre-game alliances you could make now that you know these fools!
Aunt F: Been done. We’ll see if you need people.
Benutty: hahahaha. Fine. We’ll play with Patron rather than beer.
Aunt F: I’m in.

In the words of Nicka — whatever mami wants, mami gets. yes.

Benutty

YouTube Clip – Jiz: The Abortion Episode by Sienna d’Enima
I’m sorry. The Jiz episodes are like The Amazing Race at the Emmys — they will always be my favorite clips so long as a new one has come out! This one in particular is fucking brillballs2012. The queen that makes these is meticulous about timing and creating dialogue that fits with the characters’ movements. Lovesmucho.

D@2 Post – The Truth about Gary Jr and Alfie…
Alfie doesn’t post often, but this shit killed me. He’s a quick study, having already learned how to be funnier than Nick. Work it, mamiauntieKe$hahoney.

TV Show – Survivor: Heroes vs. Villains
You know I love this shit, mami. On their 20th season and it’s still thought-provoking, fresh, and charitable. The only thing that could make it better is me being cast on a season with Ozzy Lusth. Or him marrying me, thank you.

Music – Rude Boy by Rihanna
This bitch can do no wrong in my book. I even liked her when she got beat up. Even Glambert called this song/video fresh. Her new album is highly underrated, and this song is proof of it!

SNL Skit – New Car Horns featuring Jenny Slate
Hiiii-lo! Jenny Slate will be the new star of SNL once Wiig leaves, suriously. And this clip came just in time to make the February media list — airing Feb. 27th when Jennifer Lopez hosted. This fucking bitch Tina Tina kills me! If you never saw her original skit New Doorbells then you must watch that also. So good. Beep. Honk honk. Whhhhhhhat?

Gary Jr.

YouTube Clip – To the Mothership Sucka by K80Blog
I have always been in love with K80Blog. I think she is brilliant and I love her bestie, KateReadsBooks. Anyhoosiers, they are creative and keep me coming back for more. I wasn’t sure if I should use their interview series but I decided instead on this one. Mostly because I love her lips when she’s talking alien, I love the alien voice, I love the inane discussion about toast and I love the fact that she saved her pup from alien destruction. Awww. Thank you K80Blog. That will be negative $5. Fuck you Charles. I’m a lady! I believe the children are our future.

D@2 Post – The World’s First DeadRuntz Comic
This post killed me! Even though Nick posted it. It was clearly a collaboration between all the hunnies and therefore it was awesome! Honorable Mentions go to a dirty tranny, a hilarious comic from a viewer and a YouTube clip from a troll.

TV Show – Lost
I’m sorry but I need to mention Lost. I need some answers. And I love all the weird stuff that’s happen. Is Jacob bad? Eeee. I don’t know! Is it good versus evil? And I’m so excited. Honorable Mention goes to RuPaul’s Drag Race.

Music – Kids by MGMT
Ever since 3rin mentioned them during our Grammy’s posts, I’ve been listening to them. I’m loving them. Although, I think this video is kinda creepy, I also kinda LOVE it. What the hell is wrong with me? Don’t answer that, you dirty whores.

Olympians I’d Like to Sleep with – Shaun White and/or/threesomes with Evan Lysacek
I could care less about which country wins skeleton or curling. I only watch this shit to fantasy about all the hot bodies. I don’t care if Shaun White is a ginger or not. I’d do him. I love that hair and strong chin. Evan Lysacek….baby, Ima do you and do you hard. Nuf said. Hey Evan, wanna hear a joke. I just put a roofie in your drink. Haha. Funny. But not kidding.

Nick

D@2 Post – So What! Who Cares?!?
This is probably one of my favorite posts of all time.  This stupid bitch kills me… seriously someone needs to follow Gary Jr. around and film his life.   Poor Misha.

Music – Rocket by Goldfrapp
After her departure from dance/electronica for her last album, bitch brings back the dance with this one.  I love the 80′s flare it has, seriously one of the best songs in a long time.

TV Show – RuPaul’s Drag Race
Um how could you not like a show featuring drag queens battling it out to be the next drag superstar.  Off it.  Plus to make things sweeter, they give these messes alcohol which ramps up the drama.  Gay man’s dream.

Sports – The Winter Olympics
I have been obsessed with the Winter Olympics this month!!!  It’s so nice to see different types of sports on TV at prime time. Basketball, Football, and Baseball just get so fucking boring to watch all the time.   Highlights for me were Snowboard Cross, Ski Cross, Ice Dancing, Luge, Speed Skating, and Figure Skating.  It’s sad to write this though because today was the last day of the Olympics… I’m watching the closing ceremonies as I write this, but I guess I’ll have to start looking forward to the 2012 Summer Olympics in London.

iPhone App – Lose It!
Hello… Everybody knows how I am trying to lose weight thru calorie counting n shit, and this is the best app to get for that.  It’s so easy to keep tracked of everything, and it even sends you reminders to enter in your meals.  You can also add friends, and lose weight together. Sadly none of my friends wanted to join with me.

Wait. I also tried out for Real World waaaaaaay back in the day. I’m fucked.

But maybe, just maybe, I’ll get a call-back this time. I like need to meet Ozzy.

Help me get noticed by viewing my audition video and commenting on how cute I look, how funny I am, and how badly you want me on the show!!

After that, make your own and try out, too!

Here’s the thing, to answer this question I have to frame it within the guidelines of one of the possible shows we’d be on (Survivor and Big Brother) because as a faithful viewer of competition reality shows I know that it takes certain skills to win each.

Survivor

At the final 5 Gary Jr. goes home because during the food auction he spends all his Ke$ha on a cheeseburger and fries, losing the chance at a one-up on getting a much-needed immunity. Everyone wants him gone because he doesn’t help around the camp and rode Nick’s coattails the whole game. Bye cow. Moo.

At the final 4 I win immunity because my Cartier brooch shining in the sun blinds the rest of them, distracting them from the challenge and they all fall off their perch. Of the remaining three Alfie is likely to send himself home because he has a real problem setting a strategy and following through with it until the end (see: Alfie playing Blokus). He also isn’t as competitive as the other mamis and cares more about having a good time along the way than winning. Honestly, he’d probably would have won immunity 2 weeks prior and given it away coz he felt bad. Either way, bye cock. Go fuck a hen.

The final 3 (me, Jay and Nick) go in front of the jury. The jury is turned off by Jay’s literal interpretation of an opening statement and deems his speech too formal to deserve a vote.  Nick and I are more argumentative, each making strong cases for why our cunning, deceptive, manipulative, and super cute decisions along the way serve as reasons for us to win. Nick threatens the life of each jury member. I blow them kisses. Nick wins. Oink.

Big Brother

At the final 5 Gary Jr. is HoH, nominates Nick and Jay. Alfie and I are sick of being forced to play Nick’s homemade board games so we vote him out. Also, no one really liked his cookies.

At the final 4 Jay voluntarily leaves because he thinks that Nick might finally give it up in the Jury House — there are less cameras so surely Nick won’t have an excuse not to put out. At the Jury House Nick is pissed that Jay left because he would have won, so he uses that as an excuse not to have sex. Oink.

The final 3 immunity challenge is always made up of three events. The first being stamina. Gary Jr. loses, obviously. Due to his yoga skills, Alfie wins and moves on to Part 3 of the challenge. Part 2 is always some random event, like ski-ball or golf or filling a 8 foot beer stein with soap and rubber balls. Gary Jr. mistakes the soap for actual beer, drinks it and passes out. I win Part 2. Part 3 is always guessing how evicted houseguests finish sentences, and since I paid more attention to everyone I win immunity and vote Alfie out.

With Gary Jr. and me in the finals, Gary Jr. wins because Nick convinces all the others that I don’t deserve it. We all know Nick’s competitive philosophy, as long as Benutty loses Nick wins.

Final answer: Ultimately, who cares who wins, I get second in both scenarios. Cutiez. The only reason I don’t win is because — well, the animals are right — I overthink everything.

_________________________________

Stay tuned for the other responses this week.

If you’d like to ask us a question for next week, please email us at questions@deadat2am.com

American Idol
Idol was back last year with the phenom that is Adam Lambert. Kris and Allison tore it up, too, and we all loved making fun of Blindy, Wannabe Rounds, and Daughtry2. Hopefully this year can match up, and to add fuel to the fire, it may be Simon’s last year! Can’t miss that! Aaaah. Spare me Ellen — she’ll be worthless… and sober. Hopefully Kara gets naked again.
(FOX – Tuesday, 1/12 @ 8 pm)

Ugly Betty
Stop hating, start watching again. Betty is still one of the most well-written shows out there for anyone with an ear for gay sarcasm. This show has one of the best casts and pulls out the stereotypes to a tee. The latino-flare taken straight out of the best telenovelas keeps the show spicy, dramatic, and escapist. I always look forward to this one, and as long as the hot Jewish, rich boyfriend sticks around, I will, too.
(ABC – Wednesdays @ 10 pm)

The Deep End
This is a new lawyer show that everyone is saying is the new Grey’s and all that. Listen, all I care about is Mehcad Brooks (True Blood & Desperate Housewives) and BILLY ZANE! Are you kidding me?! Billy Zane? He like invented guyliner! Naturally! Looks interesting, has hot guys. Why wouldn’t you watch it?
(ABC – Thursday, 1/21 @ 8 pm)

Spartacus: Blood and Sand
If you haven’t seen the trailers for the new cable-television sex & violence show then check it out. Hot, sweaty Romans mixed with blood and cum, and some decent stylized cinematography reminiscent of 300, sounds like a recipe for a perfect DVR date for all the single gays — and you know what kinda ring Spartacus is gonna be puttin on it. And the network has already contracted the show for a second season so you know they have faith in it!
(Starz – Friday, 1/22 @ 10 pm)

Lost
I don’t really need to explain this one. Final season of one of the most immaculate shows of our generation. ‘nough said. Let the pee dribble.
(ABC – Tuesday, 2/2 @ 8 pm)

Survivor: Heroes vs. Villains
I am a huge fan of this show! I like sweat this shit. For the 20th season they’re bringing back the nicest and the naughtiest of previous seasons for the 3rd all-stars run of this true pioneer of reality-competition TV. You can’t deny that the more-or-less unchanged format of outwit, outplay, outlast is still intriguing and still magic on the small screen. And Russell, the nastiest dirtiest wettest pig of ‘em all, is back to play these whores for dumb again! Gotta love it.
(CBS – Thursday, 2/11 @ 8 pm)

Parenthood
I don’t know much about this one, but that it is a remake of something that was probably stupid before and won’t be now. I mean — Peter Krause and Craig T. Nelson are tried-and-true, and perhaps this one will strengthen the family drama/sitcom party recently perfected by Brothers & Sisters and Modern Family. I’ll give it a shot.
(NBC – 3/1)

And farther into the future, but still darkening the crotch on my pants:

Mad Men – Season 4
Last season started off a bit slow, but finished with some great episodes! Although the show is presumably about the “Men,” it really is all about the women and the actresses who portray them never disappoint. The best part about this show is its focus on character development moreso than plot. This one can’t come back soon enough.

Glee – Season 1, Part 2
Um. Is it April yet? A full episode of just Madonna songs?! Nick just pissed herself. Jealous.

True Blood – Season 3
Loosely based on the third Sookie Stackhouse novel, Club Dead, in this new season we will see the emergence of the werewolf and maybe a good love triangle or something. And for those of us who have read the books, there is always the excitement of not knowing what will go down for all of the characters the show brings in that are sorely underdeveloped in the novels.

So those are the ten shows I’m most looking forward in the new season. But I can’t mention television without pointing out two other very exciting events:

• Brothers & Sisters. Too good to be in a list among other shows. This one will always stand on its own. And I cry every time. Fuck you, Sally Field, for wetting my cheeks.
• TYRA AND OPRAH ARE ENDING! Fuck the pee, I just jizzed all over my thighs! I’ve never heard more exciting news in my life.

Need a towel,

Benutty