Next stop… Whores!
Posts tagged so what
A Crumb on a Coworker’s Desk Might Be a Feast to Another
Jan 3rd
I forgot all about this story but my coworker told Misha all about it while we were hanging out this weekend. Of course, she waited until the moment I went to the bathroom to secretly tell Misha the story.
My coworker was sitting at her desk and I stopped by to chat. She had just finished chewing and I was mooching around looking for food from my coworkers. Starbucks is too far away, you see. (And if Nick even comments about the location of the nearest Starbucks, that pitbull in lipstick will die). Anyway, my coworker had plate sitting between me and her. She told me she just finished eating and didn’t have anything to offer.
I looked down at the plate and announced, “Oh yes you do. I shall eat your cookie crumbs.” I licked my finger and picked up the crumbs from her plate and popped them into my mouth before she could protest. Before I could register how repulsive I was, I realized that they weren’t cookie crumbs and instead were Rtiz cracker crumbs. And when you are expecting one thing and you get another, your brain goes on strike. It shut me down momentarily until I could realize what I had just eaten. By then though, it didn’t matter what crumbs I had in my mouth. Why? Because I just then realized that I was a total fucking nasty pig in front of my coworker and fucking ate her crumbs with my soggy finger. This is what hunger does to me.
Wait. Is this a So What Who Cares or an I’ll Eat It?
The Best of Dead at 2am – 2010
Dec 31st
Yeah yeah. It’s been a year. Wanna fight about it? Remember all those good laughs and poignant moments you had reading our blog whilst you shat on the shitter. Well here they all are again. Ladies and Trolls, drum roll please. It’s our D@2 Year in Review. Love it or die!
So What! Who Cares?!?
Dec 22nd
I was incredibly sick for the last two weeks. I had the flu; I threw up; I busted blood vessels in my eye; I had crazy thick chest congestion…and poor Misha stood by me through thick and thin (mostly thick).
One night we were sitting on the couch and I was wrapped in a blanket. Suddenly and without warning I had the instant need to cough before I could even get my hand to my mouth. Luckily, I turned my head away from Misha as a hefty cough from my lower lungs belted out. When I turned back around to look at Misha, he was like “OH MY GOD. GROSS BABY! You have some on your lip!”
Sure enough, I had a little bit of thick green yellow mucus hanging from my lip. Without missing a beat, I quickly said, “Well you’re lucky you didn’t see the huge glob that flew out of my mouth and landed on your blanket. Let me get a napkin.”
Yeah. That’s right. I hocked up a loogie and it landed on the blanket and Misha was there to experience my cuteness. So What! Who Cares?!?
So What! Who Cares?!?
Dec 14th
So my parents came to visit this weekend. While having Cornish hens I saw my dad jabbing a steak knife deep into his mouth.
“Oh!
My!
God!
Dad! What are you doing?? Why are you jabbing a steak knife in and out of your mouth?!?”
He looks at me rolls his eyes and says, “I have a big gap between my molars an food gets stuck in there. I use a knife to get it out! So what? Why do you care?”
Oh hunnies! Who knew my Dad was such a fan of the blog?
So what! Who cares?!?
So What! Who Cares?!?
Dec 6th
All last week I’ve been complaining about my iPhone. The headphones keep crapping out and I only can hear out of the left ear. I had to keep pushing the headphones in and twisting it around in order to get a good connection.
Nick, of course, had an absolute opinion as to why my phone was busted. Listen here. Oh and so did Benutty.
Well, last night I was playing a crossword on my phone and noticed something as I sat it down. I peered into the hole and saw something. What was it? It looked like a little piece of white plastic had broke off of my phone and was lodged in the earphone jack. Grr. I can’t listen to my music and the iPhone is literally falling to pieces.
So I get a little piece of wire and try to fish the plastic out of the hole. Sure enough I get it. And lo and behold, I discover it is not a piece of plastic that had broken off my phone but rather a fingernail clipping.
That’s right. A FINGERNAIL CLIPPING. I swear I can’t make this shit up.
So what! Who cares?!? It’s a fingernail clipping in my iPhone earphone jack. Have a glass of Pinot Grigio and go to bed. So what! Who cares?!?
So What! Who Cares?!?
Dec 1st
So this morning I woke up to Misha grinning from ear to ear. “What’s your deal?” I ask. “You don’t remember what you did last night, do you?” he responds. “I did nothing other than sleep. Why?”
“So you don’t remember pulling the covers off me and blowing me in your sleep?”
I don’t remember that at all. But (or butt) fuck it. So what! Who cares? I blow cock in my sleep.
So What! Who Cares?!?
Jun 23rd
So I noticed a lump on the nape of my neck two days ago. I thought it was a mole or something but then it grew and got bigger and bigger. And then it started to hurt. I was hella freaking out. I had Misha check it out. He had no idea what it was and didn’t offer any help. Finally I set up a series of mirrors and investigated myself. There was a tiny black dot near the lump. I got tweezers out…and I tugged at the tiny black dot. Immediately, I pulled out roughly six inches of hair out of my fucking skin! No joke. There were like three ingrown very fine hairs in the lump.
The lump is still there. So I’m hoping it starts going down soon. Yuck.
So what! Who cares?!? Oh wait. I care. BARF.
So What! Who Cares?!?
Mar 31st
Scroll to :43. Or watch the whole thing, it’s only a minute long. So what! Who cares?!?
Strokes Awareness Month
Mar 12th
Nick and/or Gary Jr. may have had a stroke. But I’m not telling you who. So cares! Who what?
May is Strokes Awareness Month.
- STOP strokes
- Strokes are sudden. Notice changes in the person that just occurred suddenly.
- Risks include SMOKING, being TIPSY, OBESITY, PHYSICAL INACTIVITY, being a cow or a pig, or having it in the family.
- Act FAST
- Face, Face, Face. I give face, Nick. (Ask the person to smile. Does one side droop? Sorry, Nick. You had a stroke.)
- Arms. A Call to Arms!, Benutty (Ask the person to raise both arms. Does one drift downward? Sorry Benutty, you couldn’t raise your arms above your troll belly. Sorry, Benutty. You had a stroke.)
- Speech. State of the State, Jay (Ask the person to repeat a simple sentence. Are the words slurred or incorrect? Sorry Jay. You haven’t made sense since ’82. Meh Meor Ahhe Labor Law. Sorry Jay. You had a stroke.)
- Time. Hey Baby got the time?, Alfie (Don’t waste time, bitches. Jump into my bed, Alfie. Oh and call 911 cuz you’re about to have a stroke…several strokes…with my free hand…Sorry Kitty).
So What! Who Cares?!?
Mar 9th
I had a zit on the inside of my nose once. It was painful. Like a deep pain. I could see a whitehead forming inside my nostril but I just couldn’t get to it. So I figured it would eventually go away. And it did. Then a few days later, a new zit appeared. This time on the outside of my nostril but in the same place as the inside zit. I was pissed. It hurt and grew. Finally, I couldn’t take it anymore and popped it. No sooner had I popped it and a single strand of hair came out of it, root first.
Yes, that’s right, folks & trolls. I had an ingrown nose hair come out backwards through the outside of my nostril. So what! Who cares?!?
So What! Who Cares?!?
Feb 23rd
A few weeks ago I applied for a job and played phone tag with the recruiter. She left me a message saying that they would like to interview me and she confirmed a date. So I called her back and got her voicemail. This was the voice message I left for her:
“Hi. This is Gary Jr. returning your phone call regarding the available position. I am absolutely available to meet with you on Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. I’m excited to meet you and further discuss my qualifications. If you have any questions or issues, feel free to call me back. Otherwise, I will see you on Wednesday. Thanks, Gary.”
That’s right. I finished my voice message to a recruiter with a complimentary close! Best wishes! Yours truly! Kind regards! Sincerely, the guy you aren’t going to hire.
Needless to say, I didn’t get the job. So what! Who cares?!?
So What! Who Cares?!?
Feb 9th
Last night I was relaxing on the couch with Misha. We were cuddling and he reached around to give my tush a little squeeze…and he starts laughing and laughing. I feel his finger playing with something and then he asks me, “Why do you have a quarter stuck to your buttcheek?”
Frankly, I don’t know the answer to that question. So what! Who cares?!?