Five hunnies picked to live in a haus. And have their lives taped. To find out what happens when hunnies stop being polite and start getting stung. The Honey Hive: Haus of Hunnies.

(Thanks FrankieRose for the question. You weirdo. Love it!) First, what are the qualities in a hunny that make a winner? Well, I would say the winner must (1) be sneaky, (2) be a quick talker, (3) have an honest face, (4) have some sort of useful skill for communal living, and finally (5) be liked by others during the finale episode where they all vote on the last two people.

For Benutty, he’s definitely sneaky. He’s always texting Nick about me and texting me about Nick. Too bad everyone’s on to his game. He’s definitely a quick talker. He never uses complete sentences. He combinesstatementsintosinglewords. However, Benutty lacks the next three winning traits. His face does not scream honest. He has a mischievous smile and no poker face. MaMaMaMyPokerFace. He has no useful communal skills. Sure, he can write but can he fish? Sure, he’s good with black poles and stripper poles…but I’ve never seen a fishing pole in his hand. “Therefore, I regret to inform Benutty that his honeycomb has been drained. Please buzz off.”

For Nick. Sneaky? Yes. Quick talker? Yes. In fact, sometimes he forgets to take a breath when speaking. And then he gasps during sentences. Honest face? Can anyone even stand looking at that dirty mug? Nope. Useful skills? Probably. He’d most likely create a board game out of conch shells, coconuts and grains of rice. That’s pretty useful and might fool a couple people. But in the finale, no one would vote for that dirty pig. “Sorry piggie, your honey’s gone sour. Please buzz off.”

I wouldn’t be a winner. Why? Because I wouldn’t be on that fucking show. It’s said that television adds 20 pounds. Well, real life already adds 245 pounds and frankly, I don’t think my little bovine heart could handle the pressure. Plus, if anyone’s seen me play Catch Phrase you’d realize I can only last about 15 minutes in a high stress situation before having heart palpitations. You can thank my mom (FayeFaye) for that. “Sorry Gary Jr., you died during filming.”

Jay might actually go far in this sort of situation. He has totally random skills that would come handy in this game. As long as he had his police scanner and an internet connection. He would play the game honestly and people would appreciate that (especially in the finale). But he’d never make it to the finale because his honesty would be his downfall. You see, Jay would form an unholy alliance with Alfie. Thinking that Alfie was like him but Alfie would rape Jay (in a game-playing sort of way). “Sorry Jay, you’ve got hives. Buzz off.”

Alfie would win. Why? He has an honest face. Everyone likes him. But he’s learned sneakiness and bitchiness from the best (Benutty, Nick and me). He has all those disgustingly handy skills that straight guys have. He’d be the one to carry the water buckets from the freshwater spring a mile from the camp while the queers are playing Craig’s coconut game or preparing my funeral plans. He’d also be the one to make a net from palm leaves and would fish using it. Basically, Alfie would feed all of us for weeks, gaining our trust…and then each week would be the mastermind behind the demise of each one of us. “Dirty bitch. Wise hunny. And the winner of The Honey Hive. Alfie, you are The Queen Bee!”

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