Posts tagged sees candy

My 8th grade science class was nothing short of a freak show. Our teacher Mrs. Kuntz was a morbidly obese woman who always smelled like dirty pussy or some sort of feminine douche product. She breathed really heavy, and every word she spoke sounded like her last gasp for air. The year I was in her class she had some medical issues, which were no doubt from her weight, and her endless supply of See’s Candies that she munched on all day, but this made her quite cranky. Half way thru the semester she decided she no longer wanted us sitting where we wanted (which really meant next to our friends) because she hated when any of us talked during class. She numbered all the desks, and every Monday before class started she would post a notice on the door to let us know which seat we would be sitting in that week. It was really annoying as you can imagine.

One week I ended up sitting next to my friend Jennifer, and this other guy named Richard who we didn’t know very well. The 3 of us were put in a group to do some bullshit project. Things were going along great until…

• Richard: So what are we supposed to be doing mom and dad?

This confused Jennifer and I, so we totally ignored it and Jennifer explained the project.

Current Picture of Richard.. That's right!

• Richard: Oh ok.. Thanks mom.. I get it now.
• Jennifer: What? Why are you calling me that?
• Richard: Your my mom and he’s my dad.
• Me: What are you retarded or something?
• Richard: Mom, dad is calling me names again
• Jennifer: OMG..
• Me: Stop it.
• Richard: Sorry dad.
• Me: Wow. you are so funny I forgot to laugh.

Jennifer and I decided to ignore him and continue doing the project ourselves without him.

• Richard: Mrs. Kuntz… They’re not working as a group, they’re leaving me out.
• Mrs. Kuntz: You two (pause for breathing) need to work (pause for breathing) with your group (more breathing)
• Me: But he keeps calling us mom and dad..
• Mrs. Kuntz: (to busy eating Sees Candy to respond)
• Richard: Dad, can I borrow a pencil?
• Me: Maybe.. if you stop calling me dad
• Richard: Come on dad… let me borrow a pencil
• Me: (I raise my pencil up in the air and point the eraser toward him) If you call me dad one more time I am going to shove this pencil into your head.
• Richard: Dad

And with that I lunged for his head with my pencil. Richard tried to move to avoid getting hit, but instead I poked him in the eye.

• Richard: AHHH (crying)

And off he went to the school nurse while I went to the Vice Principals office. Oddly enough the Vice Principal didn’t seem to care that he was calling me dad, and I got two days detention. You better believe that little fucker didn’t bother me again.

Later on after High School Richard found me on MySpace, and confessed that he was only teasing me because he thought I was cute and that he still thought I was cute. My response to him went something like this: “Well you weren’t cute then, and you’re still not cute. You’re just annoying”

And that… is one of Nick’s Greatest Moments.