Next stop… Whores!
Posts tagged sacramento
Nick’s Greatest Moments: The False Teeth Incident
Jan 19th
I used to borrow my parents car all the time back in the day because I never had enough money to get my own. My parents didn’t really want me to leave the greater Sacramento area with the car though. I guess they thought that anything outside of Sacramento was more dangerous of something… who knows. Obviously that didn’t stop me from going anywhere I wanted. I went to Tahoe, Santa Cruz, Napa, and of course San Francisco all the time.
One particular day my friend Vanessa and I decided we wanted to go to San Francisco to go shopping on Haight Street, and to get lunch. By the way… this was before I realized how much I hated Haight Street. Anyways, it took us about 90 minutes to get there, and after about another 15 minutes we finally found parking next to the panhandle. We got about a block away from where we parked when my mom called.
- Me: Hello
- Mom: Nick?… it’s your mom.
She always informs that it is her on the phone even though I obviously recognized the phone number.
- Me: Hey… what’s up?
- Mom: Can you come back home. Your dad left his false teeth in the glove box, and he can’t eat his lunch without them.
What!? First of all… who leaves their false teeth in a car? Secondly, I’m gonna have to lie my ass off… if she knew I was in San Francisco I wouldn’t be able to use the car for a while.
- Me: Um yea… but I’m in Roseville (which is like 25 minutes from where I lived), and we were just walking in to eat… so does he need them like now or can I eat first?
- Mom: Oh. It’s ok. Stay and eat.
- Me: Ok… well I can be back home in like an hour.
- Mom: Ok.. see you soon.
Fucking hell! I explained the situation to Vanessa, and we headed back to the car and started driving back to Sacramento. It took us like 80 minutes to get back, but we successfully delivered the false teeth to my dad.
Talk about ruining the day. Nope not for us… we got back in the car, and headed right back to San Francisco for shopping and dinner! I kinda miss days like that.
And that… is one of Nick’s Greatest Moments.
Not-So-Deep Conversations
Dec 28th
On Christmas night my friends and I went to a couple bars in Sacramento for drinks. After we left the Merc I got this picture via text from my friend Brandon.
I ignored it, because hello… it was just a picture of his mug. About an hour later I get this text:
Brandon: Did you get the pic of me at the merc?
Me: Yea girl. Gorgeous eye brows as usual hahaha
Brandon: My eyes aren’t brown!!!!
Me: I said EYE BROWS bitch!! not brown eyes!
What a dumb bitch… the sad thing is this isn’t just because he was drinking… this is how he has been his whole life.
Nick’s Greatest Moments: The Centerfolds Incident
May 27th
Before I came out to a lot of my friends when I was around 19 or 20 years old, we used to go to Centerfolds Strip Club to see all the lovely ladies. I didn’t really go to see the ladies obviously. I went to see my straight guy friends get boners in their pants. It was like… Yea you go get your lap dance and then walk back over here giving me perfect viewing of your business. Of course every once in a while I would buy a lap dance to take attention away from my sexuality (even though all those fools knew).
One of the first times I went to Centerfolds I got a lap dance from a girl named Dakota. I remember after my first lap dance with her, she sat down next to me and asked me:
- Dakota: Did you enjoy that?
- Me: Yea…
- Dakota: Are you sure? I usually get a better reaction then that
- Me: Oh… no it was good.
- Dakota: You’re gay huh?
- Me: Kinda
- Dakota: It’s pretty obvious… you didn’t get hard.
- Me: Sorry
- Dakota: Do your friends know?
- Me: No
- Dakota: Ok. Go ahead and go back… I’ll come by and flirt with you later.
So I returned to the table that my friends were at, and lied about how great it was. About 20 minutes later Dakota came by our table, and sat down in my lap.
- Dakota: I really enjoyed our time together earlier… how about another dance… on the house.
This continued every time I went to Centerfolds. Eventually most of the girls knew I was gay, and they would always come up and flirt with me. They would give me free dances all the time. All my friends were so jealous that I got all the attention. I loved it though… I thought it was fun.
Eventually I stopped going when I came out to everyone. I hung out with Dakota a couple times outside of Centerfolds until she moved to Arizona for school. Before she moved she told me that the reason all the girls would give me free lap dances is because they had a bet to see who could get me hard first. Hellz no bitches! Never happened.
And that… is one of Nick’s Greatest Moments.
Nick’s Greatest Moments: The Alley Incident
Feb 27th
Back in my early twenties I was quite the drunk. I’d go to this gay bar in Sacramento called Faces every other night. My favorite night to go was Tuesday because it was Latino night, and we all know how I have a thing for Latinos. Yes! One night while on the dance floor, probably dancing to Thalía’s ‘A Quien Le Importa?’ I made eyes with this one very hot Mexican. We danced together, kissed, took a shot together, danced some more, kissed some more, you know the usual.
So cut to 2am (ahh snaps!) the bar is closed, and everyone is standing on the street talking trying to find someone to hook up with. My hot little Mexican was off talking to his friends, and I was probably being a drunk mess talking to people I didn’t even know. I did that a lot. Next thing I know hottie Mexicali grabs my hand, and drags me into the parking lot. We continued to make out in between random cars while his friends were yelling at him that they were leaving. He grabbed my hand again, and dragged me into the alley behind the bar. We found this little nook to sneak into (I think it was an emergency exit door for some random business), and he went down on me (Yea he was good at it too… jealous Gary Jr.!!!). He finished his job, so now it was my turn. So while I’m down there doing my thing he pulls his shirt up, and puts it over his head. I think he was playing with his nipples or something… I don’t know. I finally glanced up, and I noticed he had tattoos on this chest. Being the ridiculous bitch that I am I decided to multi-task, and figure out what those tattoos are. Of course this bitch had to have the worst two tattoos ever. Jesus and the Virgin Mary. It doesn’t get more Mexican than this folks. Well unless he took a Mexican candle out of his back pocket and lit it. So here I am blowing this guy with Jesus and the Virgin Mary looking down on me. I’m not a religious person, but talk about a buzz kill. So after a protein shake I finally get around to asking him what his name is (classy huh), and it ends up being Larry. What the fuck? What Mexican family names their son Larry?
And that… is one of Nick’s Greatest Moments.
Question of the Week (01/30 – 02/05)
Feb 1st
Q: If you had to go back in time, and change one thing that you did in your life what would it be?
There are two decisions I’ve made in my life that if I had to I would make differently — and since both of them have to do with college I think it’s ok that I mention both.
The first was my decision as a junior in high school to apply to only a handful of colleges (Stanford, St. Mary’s, Columbia and Sac State). For whatever reason I thought I’d be going to the best (Stanford & Columbia) or the worst (Sac State) or something completely off the wall (St. Mary’s). I got rejected from Stanford, filled out but never sent my application to Columbia, and got into the other two. But instead of going to either of them I decided I wasn’t ready and took the community college route (which, ironically, turned out to be one of the best decisions of my life). But in hindsight I think I would have benefited from applying to a larger pool of schools and having gone to one of them.
The second was my decision after I graduated from Berkeley to move back to Sacramento for a year rather than move straight to San Francisco. In that year I spent in Sac I lost a lot of time with the friendships and connections I had gained while in college and those relationships have since suffered because of that lost time. Granted, being back in Sacramento allowed me to spend much missed time with my family and friends there and gave me more drive to move back to the Bay.
I think the important thing I’ve learned about both of those things is that I was afraid of taking risks. In both cases I took the easy & familiar route, but would have been better off making the harder decisions to move away from home earlier and to have not returned back so quickly instead of continuing on my individual journey. But these are lessons I’ve now learned and I can’t regret that!
I am very happy with my life right now and had either of those decisions been made differently I can’t say that I’d be exactly where I am today, and that would be far more regrettable than having made either of those decisions. I truly believe that people should be proud of their accomplishments and excited about the lessons they learn from their mistakes. There is no point dwelling in the past and wishing you made different choices. I say “Fuck it, grab a knife today and kill a pig or cow tomorrow!”
_________________________________
Stay tuned for the other responses this week.
If you’d like to ask us a question for next week, please email us at questions@deadat2am.com
Nick’s Greatest Moments: The Del Taco Incident
Jan 5th
A couple years ago I got wasted at a bar in Sacramento. Once the bars closed the only thing I could think of was to get food. (Yes I am a fat bitch… leave me alone.)
I decided I wanted to go to Del Taco which was 10 miles away. So I got in my car… drunk…. and went to Del Taco. Lucky for me I made it there safe, and I didn’t kill anyone else in the process. (After school special anyone?)
I got my food and parked in a nearby Target parking lot, and then I apparently passed out.
I woke up in the morning to the sound of a parking lot sweeper, and the smell of old Del Taco burritos. It seems I didn’t quite finish my food the night before, and during my sleep I rubbed the burrito all over myself. It had looked like someone took a giant shit on me… a Del Taco smelling shit. It was everywhere… my shirt, my pants, my arms, my hands, my face, the seat belt… It was a disaster.
And that… is one of Nick’s Greatest Moments.