Posts tagged roseanne barr

In 1998, when I turned 21, I had just come out of the closet, and I didn’t have any gay friends. Hell… I didn’t even know anyone who was gay at this point, but I really wanted too. I had this stupid idea in my head that if I went to a gay bar it would be just like the TV show Cheers… they would all try to get to know me, I would make a bunch of friends, and a cute young Woody Harrelson type of guy would be serving drinks. That wasn’t exactly how it all went down.

I decided to go to Faces (a popular gay club in Sacramento) on Sunday around 6pm because I thought that it wouldn’t be too busy. I was so nervous about going that I couldn’t bring myself to park at first, so I just drove around the neighborhood for a while. I was so scared to park next to the club, so I parked four blocks away and walked.

As I slowly walked into the bar I saw about 14 people or so having drinks, and talking with their friends. I was happy to see a couple people sitting by themselves at the bar, because I was really afraid I was going to be the only person drinking alone. Just as I noticed that there wasn’t a bartender, I heard a loud sassy voice that kind of sounded like Roseanne Barr… “I’m going to need to see your ID honey”. I turned around, and saw this huge drag queen hovering over me. She seriously looked like John Goodman in a dress, but sounded like Roseanne… her name was Large Marge.  So much for my Cheers idea.

I sat down at the bar, and Marge asked me what I wanted to drink. I had never ordered booze at a bar before, so I had no idea what to do.

• Me: Um… I don’t know. Something that tastes good.
• Marge: Like a Sex on the Beach?
• Me: Yea… sure.
• Marge: OK… I have the perfect drink for you… it’s like a Sex on the Beach but stronger.

She mixes the drink up, pours it into a tall glass, and sets it in front of me. I took a sip, and it was good!

• Me: What is it?
• Marge: Well you know what happens when you have sex on the beach??… you get Sand in your Ass! Hahahaha

I didn’t know who this drag queen was, or what her deal was… but at that moment I loved her!

I was almost finished with my drink after about 20 minutes of sitting there by myself when Marge wanders over to me, and sets a new drink in front of me.

• Marge: The gentleman behind you in the blue shirt bought this for you.

I suddenly got really scared… I mean… how many times in movies and on TV does some guy buy a girl a drink, walks over to her, hits on her, she giggles, and the next thing you know they are back at his place fucking!

• Me: Ohh… I don’t want another drink.
• Marge: It’s already paid for… drink it.
• Me: But if I accept it then he’ll come over and try to talk to me.
• Marge: It’s ok honey… I know him, and he’s a good guy.
• Me: No… I’m sorry I can’t.

I got up, and walked out of Faces as fast as I could. I didn’t go back for a couple of months until another co-worker of mine came out, and wanted to go together. Soon after that though I became a regular, and ordered many, many Sand in your Ass drinks.

Looking back on it now… how cute was it that some guy bought me a drink!  Gay guys don’t do this enough, and I think they should… I mean…. It’s a lot better than walking up and saying… “You’re hot.”   Wow thanks.

And that… is one of Nick’s Greatest Moments.