Posts tagged penis

Nick’s Greatest Moments: The Urine Incident

Dec 23rd

Posted by Nick in Greatest Moments

4 comments

In 2001 my friends and I decided to check out the gay bar scene in Fresno… I know I know… why the hell would we ever want to go to Fresno? But hello… hella hot latinos!

I had got a late start driving out there from Sacramento, so I was trying to make the trip as fast as possible. Unfortunately Highway 99 is one of those highways that are just impossible to go fast on… with all the fucking big rigs, and it’s two lanes… freakin ridiculous.

Between Merced and Madera I really had to pee badly, but I didn’t want to pull over because I was already running late. Knowing the friends that I had at the time they would totally just leave and drink without me if I were late. Since I didn’t know Fresno at all this would not be good. At that point I had noticed the bottle of water I was drinking, and it hit me! I could just dump the rest of the water out the window, and piss in the bottle. Hello! People do this all the time, and it is one of the many benefits of having a penis. So I did just that… I rolled the window down and dumped the water out… I pulled my dick out of my pants… stuck the head of it in the bottle, and tried to piss.

It worked!

I started pissing right into the bottle… ahh the relief! Unfortunately I was peeing so much the little bottle, which was mostly on its side, couldn’t handle it all and it started spilling back onto my pants and underwear. I panicked! I forced myself to stop peeing, and as I pulled the bottle up I splashed more on me. Ugh. I finally just pulled the car over, and pissed on the side of the road. I was a wet mess!

When I got to Fresno I went right to the Hotel, which I had booked a room at. (Because hello you don’t go drinking in Fresno and then drive back to Sacramento in the same night.) I ran upstairs to my room, and stripped my clothes off, but now there was a new problem. The clothes I brought to drive home in were not as cute as the outfit I had on. What to do huh? Well I didn’t need underwear, but I did need my pants. So I came up with this idea to iron my pants dry, and then wear a lot of cologne to mask the urine smell. Oh and let me tell you… ironing pissed soaked pants does not smell good!

I finally get all ready, and I am only 15 minutes late meeting my friends in the lobby of the hotel. I head down to the lobby and they were nowhere to be found. The front desk clerk told me there was a group of guys waiting for a while, but they had just left.

Yup… after all of that they left me. Remember most people didn’t have cell phones then… so I couldn’t call them or anything. I ended up sitting in my hotel room watching TV the rest of the night. Blah!

And that… is one of Nick’s Greatest Moments.

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Nick’s Greatest Moments: The Lyons Incident

Mar 3rd

Posted by Nick in Greatest Moments

2 comments

If you were drunk, and in midtown Sacramento in 2004 you probably ended up at Lyons Restaurant after 2am to sober up. Lyons was pretty popular with gay crowds then, but had recently seen an influx of straight people after a shooting at Denny’s down the street.

So here we are waiting at Lyons for a table at around 2:30 in the morning, and I was into some deep conversation with my friends. We had been discussing a recent article I read about average penis sizes per country, and that the article claimed that people in China on average had the smallest penises. Unfortunately standing right in front of us was this big group of Chinese mafia types, and they were not happy to hear that.

  • Chinese Girl: Are you talking shit about Chinese people?
  • Me: Um Yea… private conversation here.
  • Chinese Girl: You better not be talking shit about Chinese people because we’ll fuck you up.
  • Me: We were talking about how Chinese guys have small dicks… (in a lower voice) and apparently they’re stupid bitches too.

With that we obviously argued for quite some time until we finally got a table. I was looking at the menu when the next thing I know I got punched in the face. I look up, and there is this little Chinese guy standing across the table from me.

  • Chinese Guy: Why you call my girl a bitch?
  • Me: Because she’s a bitch like you!

He lunged at me again, but a couple of friends of mine got up and stopped him from getting any closer. Then the Chinese girl came up beside me, and punched me in the face. Well lets be real for a second… she did her best to punch me in the face. It was more like a mosquito bite. At this point all the employees at Lyons got involved, and the Chinese mafia ran out of the place. The manager at Lyons called the cops, and when they arrived they asked me all sorts of questions. Finally they told me that they had picked up the mafia, and had them sitting outside. They wanted me to identify them, so that I could press charges. I went outside with the officer, and walked over where the mafia was sitting. I looked at them, and started to laugh.

  • Me: Um… wrong minority. They were Asian, not Latino. Nice try though.

And that… is one of Nick’s Greatest Moments.

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