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Posts tagged mom
Nick’s Greatest Moments: The Father Incident
Dec 8th
Shortly after my family moved from Santa Maria to Sacramento my dad asked me to mow the grass. It was like 101 outside and I was not about to have any of it. Plus I was still mad at my dad for getting a job in Sacramento, and forcing me to leave all my friends and finish my senior year of high school in another city. (Seriously… all you parents out there… do not move your kids to new schools, it is just cruel.)
- Me: It’s too hot outside to mow the grass
- Dad: I’m not asking you… I’m telling you
- Me: No!… it’s too HOT outside.
- Dad: HEY! You’ll do what I tell you.
- Me: Really? You’re going to force me to do it? I’d like to see you try.
- Dad: You’re fucking worthless!
- Me: I hate you.
My dad then opened the front door and slammed it closed, which alerted my mom from the other room.
- Mom: Hey! What’s going on? You’ll knock my plates off the walls.
- Me: Dad is being an asshole
- Mom: Stop that!
- Me: You can’t ignore me my whole life and then suddenly because you have a heart attack become my parent again!
<Back story: My dad had a heart attack 2 years prior. This happened right after the company he worked for went under which is why he had to find a new job.>
What I hadn’t realized was my dad heard my last comment to my mom.
- Dad: Follow my rules or you can get the fuck out.
- Me: Fine… I will leave. I’d rather be anywhere than with you. I wish you had died when you had that heart attack!
- Mom: Nick! Apologize.
- Me: No!
I walked over to my room and slammed the door. I turned on some Smashing Pumpkins and blasted it. My dad and I really didn’t talk for a long time after that. I never apologized either because I don’t feel I need to. He seriously didn’t do shit until after his heart attack and by that time it was too late. He missed his chance, and although I am glad now that he didn’t die, it’s not like he ever apologized to me for being absent or calling me worthless. So whatever!
And that… is one of Nick’s Greatest Moments.
Nick’s Greatest Moments: The Pencil Incident
Feb 6th
My 8th grade science class was nothing short of a freak show. Our teacher Mrs. Kuntz was a morbidly obese woman who always smelled like dirty pussy or some sort of feminine douche product. She breathed really heavy, and every word she spoke sounded like her last gasp for air. The year I was in her class she had some medical issues, which were no doubt from her weight, and her endless supply of See’s Candies that she munched on all day, but this made her quite cranky. Half way thru the semester she decided she no longer wanted us sitting where we wanted (which really meant next to our friends) because she hated when any of us talked during class. She numbered all the desks, and every Monday before class started she would post a notice on the door to let us know which seat we would be sitting in that week. It was really annoying as you can imagine.
One week I ended up sitting next to my friend Jennifer, and this other guy named Richard who we didn’t know very well. The 3 of us were put in a group to do some bullshit project. Things were going along great until…
- Richard: So what are we supposed to be doing mom and dad?
This confused Jennifer and I, so we totally ignored it and Jennifer explained the project.
Current Picture of Richard.. That's right!
- Richard: Oh ok.. Thanks mom.. I get it now.
- Jennifer: What? Why are you calling me that?
- Richard: Your my mom and he’s my dad.
- Me: What are you retarded or something?
- Richard: Mom, dad is calling me names again
- Jennifer: OMG..
- Me: Stop it.
- Richard: Sorry dad.
- Me: Wow. you are so funny I forgot to laugh.
Jennifer and I decided to ignore him and continue doing the project ourselves without him.
- Richard: Mrs. Kuntz… They’re not working as a group, they’re leaving me out.
- Mrs. Kuntz: You two (pause for breathing) need to work (pause for breathing) with your group (more breathing)
- Me: But he keeps calling us mom and dad..
- Mrs. Kuntz: (to busy eating Sees Candy to respond)
- Richard: Dad, can I borrow a pencil?
- Me: Maybe.. if you stop calling me dad
- Richard: Come on dad… let me borrow a pencil
- Me: (I raise my pencil up in the air and point the eraser toward him) If you call me dad one more time I am going to shove this pencil into your head.
- Richard: Dad
And with that I lunged for his head with my pencil. Richard tried to move to avoid getting hit, but instead I poked him in the eye.
- Richard: AHHH (crying)
And off he went to the school nurse while I went to the Vice Principals office. Oddly enough the Vice Principal didn’t seem to care that he was calling me dad, and I got two days detention. You better believe that little fucker didn’t bother me again.
Later on after High School Richard found me on MySpace, and confessed that he was only teasing me because he thought I was cute and that he still thought I was cute. My response to him went something like this: “Well you weren’t cute then, and you’re still not cute. You’re just annoying”
And that… is one of Nick’s Greatest Moments.
Nick’s Greatest Moments: The Kindergarten Incident
Jan 21st
One of my earliest memories is from my time spent in Kindergarten. It was a class with about 20 kids taught by Mrs. Cordero the wife of a cop. I don’t remember much about her, but I do know that I didn’t like her because she was a bitch. Of course I didn’t like the majority of my teachers in school. The classroom was set up so that each table sat 4 children. I sat next to Cindy, this plain looking dirty brown haired mouth breather, who later in life would go to jail for grand theft larceny… a real winner.
One day in class Cindy had some serious morning breath, and I was not having it. I moved my chair to the corner of the table to get away, but being a mouth breather she had polluted the entire area. My only other option at this point was to move my chair back as far as I could which still wasn’t working. Mrs. Cordero noticed I had moved away from my table, and asked me to move back.
- Me: No!
- Mrs. Cordero: Craig, move your chair back up to the table where it belongs.
- Me: No… her breath stinks (pointing at Cindy)
- Mrs. Cordero: That wasn’t a very nice thing to say
- Me: It’s gross
- Mrs. Cordero: Get back to your table before I write your name on the board.
That’s how she punished us in class. If you made her mad she would write your name on the chalk board as a warning. If you persisted to act up, she would eventually put a check mark next to your name which meant you had to spend recess with her. If that didn’t do the trick then she would put another check mark on the board, and your parents would have to come pick you up after class so she could talk to them.
I ended up hesitating to long, and she wrote my name on the board. A couple minutes went by and I had had enough of the mouth breather.
- Me: Stop breathing
- Cindy gave me a dirty look (which believe me… wasn’t hard for a face like that)
- Me: You stink like trash
- Cindy: Shut up
- Me: You are trash
Unfortunately for me this when Cindy started to cry. Mrs. Cordaro looked at me with fury in her eyes.
- Mrs. Cordaro: What is going on?
- Cindy: He is being mean to me
- Craig: She is lying
At this point some other douche bag in class ratted me out (This kid obviously wasn’t worth remembering), and Mrs. Cordaro put a check mark after my name. This pissed me off (Shocking isn’t it?).
I completely stopped talking for most of the morning when finally Mrs. Cordaro asked me a question. I sat there in silence not looking at her. She asked me again, and I kept quiet. She walked up to me, kneeled down, and asked me again.
- Craig: I don’t have to answer you, you’re not my mom, you don’t control me, you can’t tell me what to do
- Mrs. Cordaro: That’s it!!!
She got up and put another check mark next to my name. The whole class gasped as no one had ever gotten 2 check marks before.
- Mrs. Cordaro: I am going to call your mother, and have her come here to talk to me after class.
- Me: I don’t care. Stupid!
And with that, I was placed in the back of the classroom facing the wall until my mom came to pick me up. My mom was not pleased as you could imagine, and I realized that day that I should care when a teacher wants to call my mom. Sadly lessons are not learned that easily, and my poor mother was called back to my Elementary School many times… and my Junior High School… and my High School.
And that… is one of Nick’s Greatest Moments.