If you are a friend of mine then there is a side of me you know and fear that is fed with alcohol and anger. It’s when I lose my shit, and innocent souls get thrown out of my apartment. This is not one of those stories though… This is a story about when I didn’t lose control of my temper, and instead I sought out my revenge in other ways.

Back in 2000 my friend Melody and I would make a lot of short films (like Stuff, Stuff 2: Hella Stuff, Stuff 3: Hecka Tight Stuff, and Birth: The Millennium). A lot of this filming took place at her apartment around 8pm to 10pm… Like totally normal hours that people are awake and shit. Well she has this fucking whore bitch of a roommate who always found something to complain to the landlord about. Like… I didn’t put the toilet seat down, or someone drank her orange juice, or someone left the window open, or Melody and her boyfriend have loud sex and it wakes me up. Oh yea… she was a total pain in the ass.

One night I headed over to Melody’s to finish filming Stuff 2: Hella Stuff, and her cunty roommate answered the door.

  • Me: Hi
  • Cunt: Sorry… it’s after 10. I don’t want you guys hanging out here again today.

*door slam*

Oh hunnnnss. I was livid! The nerve of this bitch trying to tell us what we can and can’t do. So I called up Melody and she came down to let me in to her house. Just as I walk into the house, the cunt opens her mouth.

  • Cunt: If I hear one peep from you two I am calling the cops.
  • Melody: You do that.

I wanted to go off on this bitch so bad, but I restrained myself since Melody had to live with her. Luckily I hadn’t started drinking. What! So once Melody and I get into her room upstairs we decide that we should just go back to my place because she is obviously on the rag and we are not in the mood to battle it out with her. Before we leave though an idea popped into my head… we should fuck with her shit in a way that she would never know, but would amuse us when she was around and take the focus off her cuntness.

We took turns going into the bathroom, taking the cunts shampoo and spitting the nastiest lugies in it. We also cleaned the toilet with her toothbrush, and Melody peed a little in her conditioner.

Let me tell you every time we saw her after that it was so hard not to laugh in her face. Good times. We did it again right before Melody moved out, but that time we put hydrogen peroxide in her conditioner. I doubt that made her hair turn lighter, but it was still funny.

And that… is one of Nick’s Greatest Moments.