Lady Sings Americano

Oh Gaga. You’ve grown on me. Already my review is morphing into something different. Mighty Morphing Monster Review. Buttfuck it, I’m not editing my review.

Marry The Night: B+ I’m walking down the aisle to this song in drag. I’m a warrior queen. Oh shit. 40 seconds in and she’s breaking it down. Muh-Muh-Muh-Marry the night! Overall, I think it’s a perfectly fine way to open the album but I’m hoping for something more.

Born This Way: B- I think I’ve heard this song before. Haha. “Putting paws up” drives me fucking bonkers. Seriously, Gaga? Enough with the monster claw. Clever marketer, baby girl. But I do like the story she’s telling about the lessons our mommas teach us about loving who you are. So for life lessons, this song gets a higher score than it should.

Government Hooker: B+ Oh god. Operatic Gaga? Is this real life? Is this really happening? Haha. Ooh I do love that weird beat and oh fun. I like it more. I can be good if you just want to be bad? Sure. OH SHIT. Love the man speaking while she sings. “That girl better turn around.” I think she’s not killing it vocally like she could but I love the way it sounds. I especially like the way the government man is speak-singing.  Oooh. A JFK reference. Love it. Also, tears are salty. They make for poor drinking. I don’t really like how she sings Hooooooooker. But otherwise, I’m down.

Judas: B+ Another Gaga sung in the opening 10 seconds. Ugh. But this huhns likes the beat. I love the breakdown at about 3 minutes into the song. So sacrilege. Judas is the demon I cling to. Snapperellas!

Americano: A- The girl she met in East LA was Shalita Double-Double. No joke. Gaga wrote this song specifically for Shalita Double-Double. Lalalalalalalalalalala is meant to be sung by someone with a tongue like Shalita Double-Double. This is one of the best songs so far. But I have to hear the rest of the album still! Eee. Now I’m getting excited about the rest of the album. From here, what’s next?!?

Hair: A Good Lord: A saxophone opening. Love it. These lyrics are dumb but HOLY CRAP. She busts this song out!! I’m sorry another GREAT song. Although “I am my hair” is a mess. But I’ll dance my drunk ass off to this song any day.

Schiße: A Oh shit. Literally…doesn’t that mean shit in German. I love the opening line and the crazy scream thing. Another amazing song. I want this song to be featured during a horror movie’s vampire fight scene which takes place in a club in the Meatpacking District in New York. I don’t speak German either, girl, but you’re speaking my language.

Bloody Mary: A+What an interesting opening. How religious and holy. What is this girl trying to tell me? But the scary frog voice in the background scurrs me. Eee. Oh damn. These lyrics are awesome. This is a GREAT song.  What do you think she is trying to represent with the voice thing? That she’s fighting back the demons within and they are trying to come out? Super thought-provoking.  Can’t wait to see a video for this song! And this Gregorian chanting of Gaga is so much more meaningful and not just a marketing ploy like it seems in Judas and Government Hooker. But maybe she’s trying to show some sort of progression or internal development. Weird. I’m over-thinking this one. Next!

Black Jesus – Amen Fashion: C Who doesn’t love a black Jesus? Jesus is the new black? Hmm. Continue please. I don’t know about this song. It took a while to get started. And then she tells her history through song….but then pulls it back to Black Jesus on a runway? Huh. What am I missing here? I could take or leave this song.

Bad Kids: C+ Great beat. I love slapping punks too. Love the way she was able to sing about the parent’s divorce cuz she ruined their lives. Does this chorus seem slightly quieter and less dark and industrial than the other songs? Perhaps this song is signally a transition in the album but I can’t be sure yet. Need to keep listening. 

Fashion of His Love: A+ OH GOD. LOVE THIS SONG. WAIT? Is that Janet Jackson? Amy Grant? No! That’s Whitney Houston. I Wanna Dance With Somebody. I’m gonna be the one that he loves! I was made for loving him. The fashion of his love. I’m gonna be his first and last kiss! AWWW. This is a great song. I’m sold. THIS IS A SUREFIRE WINNER.

Highway Unicorn (Road to Love): B Follow that unicorn on the road to love? Haha. Oooh. Run run with her what exactly? Titties? Oh top down. Meh. I like this song. I love the chorus but I think it’s just kinda weak in the lyrics. Am I bad for not totally loving this song? Maybe it will grow on me.

Heavy Metal Lover: B+ Is that electronic voice saying “give me lots of love”? Dunno. But loving the beat. BLONDE SOUTH? WHISKEY MOUTH? Oh my goodness. Not so PG-13 is it? Haha. Dirty dirty Gaga. It’s a pretty chill good song. Nothing too crazy. I could see this playing as a party is winding down. That electronic voice is a little too much.

Electric Chapel: B+ Off the bat I’m hearing Bon Jovi. Am I bad? Oopsies. Wait! Now I’m hearing BLONDIE. Ooh that makes me like this way more. “Follow me, don’t be such a holy fool.” There should be a movie based around this song. Meet her at Electric Chapel. And throw in some vampires while playing Schiße scene.  It’s good. But seriously I can’t get Blondie out of my head now.

The Queen: A+ Love the bells. The Killer Queen inside me’s coming up to say hello. Yes. I love this song. Oh god. This is an empowering song. I am wind and hurricane. The Que-ee-ee-eeen. I am a woman! I insist it’s my life! Don’t forget me when I come crying to heaven’s door. Damn girl. This is a good good good song. YEEES!!

You and I: B- Hella country? Really. I wasn’t prepared for that. But I kinda like it. Taste like whiskey. Did she play this song when I saw her in concert? I feel like this harkens back to a previous song or something. Hmm. The chorus is way country. It’s cute enough but it’s not my favorite song. We will, we will rock you! (You’re right, Nick. Totally Queen!)

The Edge of Glory: A Love the heartbeat opening and the synthesizer. Pretty sure this song was the theme song for Beverly Hills Cop or Miami Vice. I love this song. Saxophone solo and all. Hanging on a moment with you! Great song to end with. Yay!

Well… The play count says it all.  I have only listened to Born This Way 15 times since it came out.  For a comparison… after 7 days of listening to Bad Romance I had listened to it well over 50 times (if not more).  I’m not sure what the problem is with Born This Way… It’s catchy, the message is good… but it’s still kind of dull.  Don’t get me wrong though.. it is far better than Hold It Against Me.. poor Britney.

Born This Way:

HATE IT

Speaking of Britney, I just saw her video for Hold It Against Me.  Bitch is broke!  She can’t dance anymore, and what is with paint spraying from her finger tips?  What the hell does this video have to do with the song?  I honestly just don’t get it… I mean how hard is it to make a music video?!  Oh and it doesn’t help that in the video it shows her old videos where she can actually dance, and what is up with her beating herself up… well I guess I’d beat myself up to if I made this video. If you want to brave it…  click here.  One last question… Can someone please refer Britney to a hair stylist?

Hold It Against Me (Video):

HATE IT

What do you think?

Gary makes no mistakes. 2011 is the Year of the Shoulder. Just turn on the Grammy’s and watch Gaga’s performance of Born This Way.

Do you care who wins? Or are you still mad that Bad Romance isn’t up for a win in the Record and Song categories? I do and am.

Record of the Year

Nothin’ on You – B.o.B. & Bruno Mars
Love the Way You Lie – Eminem & Rihanna (should win, will win)
Fuck You – Cee Lo Green
Empire State of Mind – Jay-Z & Alicia Keys
Need You Now – Lady Antebellum

Album of the Year

The Suburbs – Arcade Fire
Recovery – Eminem (should win, will win)
Need You Now – Lady Antebellum
The Fame Monster – Lady GaGa
Teenage Dream – Katy Perry (shouldn’t even be nominated)

Song of the Year

Beg, Steal or Borrow – Ray LaMontagne
Fuck You – Cee Lo Green
The House That Built Me – Miranda Lambert
Love the Way You Lie – Eminem & Rihanna (should win, will win)
Need You Now – Lady Antebellum

Best New Artist

Justin Bieber
Drake (will win)
Florence + the Machine (should win)
Esperanza Spalding
Mumford & Sons

Best Female Pop Vocal Performance

King of Anything – Sara Bareilles
Halo (Live) – Beyonce
Chasing Pirates – Norah Jones
Bad Romance – Lady GaGa (should win, will win)
Teenage Dream – Katy Perry

Best Dance Recording

Rocket – Goldfrapp
In for the Kill – La RouX
Dance in the Dark – Lady GaGa (will win)
Only Girl (In the World) – Rihanna
Dancing on My Own – Robyn (should win)

Oh, and we’re only slightly concerned about whether or not Kathy Griffin finally gets her Grammy, right? And the slight care is only because then she’ll have an Emmy and a Grammy and will more-than-likely begin a campaign for an Oscar — and that would be great to see unfold. I mean, anything is possible if you can host Charm School on VH1 and still win one.

Beware… This video contains 3 Drag Queens, Booze and Bad Lip Syncing!  (oh and near nudity!)

Tuesday – 8pm

• ABC – Dancing With The Stars
• CBS – NCIS
• FOX – Glee
• NBC – Biggest Loser
• CW – One Tree Hill

–GLEE!  I can’t wait to watch Glee tonight!  I hope the Glee version of Lady Gaga’s Telephone is in this episode.   The only other show I would have watched is The Biggest Loser, because that one trainer named Bob is hot!

Tuesday – 9pm

• ABC – Dancing With The Stars (Continued)
• CBS – NCIS: Los Angeles
• FOX – Raising Hope / Running Wilde
• NBC – Biggest Loser (Continued)
• CW – Life Unexpected
• Bravo – Flipping Out
• Oxygen – Bad Girls Club
• SyFy – Warehouse 13

–Wow with all the options for new shows at this hour… not one of them interest me.  I guess I’ll be watching the 2nd half of the Biggest Loser.   I don’t know much about the shows that are following Glee, but if the previews look decent I might watch them (but I doubt it.)

Tuesday – 10pm

• ABC – Detroit 1-8-7
• CBS – NCIS: Los Angeles (Continued)
• FOX – Local News = Blah
• NBC – Parenthood
• CW – Local News = Blah
• Bravo – Rachel Zoe Project
• Food Network – Chopped

–Definitely watching Parenthood… This show is soo good, and it’s based in Berkeley.  It’s like a new version of Brothers & Sisters.   I’ll DVR Chopped on Food Network because they are currently doing the Chopped Champion series.  So good!

So… What will you be watching?

Gary Jr.

YouTube  — Jesse Tyler Ferguson Does Gaga
First, you know I love Modern Family and the gay couple. Well, what could be better than 1/2 of that gay couple singing a lounge version of Alejandro. Plus, you know how much I love loungey cocktail music. Damn. I want JTF’s babies…especially because he is gay in real life and I must therefore believe that he is also a chubby chaser (since everything on TV is true).

iPhone App — LoseIt
Yes, I jumped on the bandwagon this month thanks to Heifer 1 and Heifer 2. I’ve been dieting since April 1. I had a little set back this week only losing .5 pounds but since April 1, I have lost 8.5 pounds and 10.5 from my heaviest (which was mid-March).

Movie ReRun – Shaun of the Dead
It’s just so funny. It’s been on Comedy Central this month. I love that for the whole morning commute during the opening scenes everyone is dead tired and zombie-like and then 20 minutes those same scenes happen again except everyone around him is a zombie. I love zombie movies like nobody’s business. I even have zombie exit strategies. I think about this shit while I’m playing Catan in the restroom.

Music– Shampain by Martina and the Diamonds
So I’ve been riding my exercise bike a lot. And I’ve been grooving out to my jams. But let me tell you that I pump a lot faster when this Martina and the Diamonds diddy comes on the shuffle. The clip calls it Shampain Sleeper but it’s just Shampain. Also about 2 weeks ago, I tweeted some lyrics from this song and Nick got mad at me for drinking champagne when I should be dieting. Bitch, I was singing and not cheating. I feel celestial! Yyyes.

Benutty

Music – Mary J. Blige‘s “Stairway to Heaven“
This shit is amazing. I wasn’t too big of a fan of it when it first came out, but after seeing her perform it on American Idol I jumped on board. Compared to all the other idiots who performed awful renditions of otherwise good songs (see: Rihanna, Alicia Keys, Ke$ha, Adam Lambert) on the show, MJB proved that she’s still in the business for a reason! — she knows how to sing and how to put on a good show. And, seriously, who else could pull off a LZ song like that?

Glee Quote – Santana in “The Power of Madonna”
“It’ll be great for my image, and Sue will promote me to head cheerleader. It’s win-win.” This bitch is so classic. Love her to death. Nick told me there’s a rumor the Cheerios might get their own spin-off, and if Santana and Brittany are a part of it then it’ll surely be gaymazing.

iPhone App – We Rule
Hello! It’s Farmville meets Sim City and it is wondrous. I got everyone hooked on it and I can’t freaking wait until I grow enough broccoli to purchase my Magic Emporium and a second Watch Tower! Ooh girl, gotta go collect taxes from my cottages. Huhhnns. I kind of want an iPad just so I can play this on a bigger screen.

D@2 Post – Guest Blog by FrankieRose
I was proud of lil sis for coming up with such a great D@2-inspired post. Before she submitted this for the Guest Blogger contest she sent me the picture via text and I almost died. This killed me. Love that Gary Jr. is a secret real estate agent in Sacramento. I bet he can spread his legs for the Real Estate King like A. Bening does in A. Beauty.

Nick

Music – Ultrasound

So I found this shizzz on iTunes a couple weeks, and it’s totally gay and I love it!!  Check it out and dance.

iPhone App – Blokus

Yes Hunnnsss. Blokus has an iPhone app and it’s so goodies you’lll gag with orgasms.  It’s 4.99 right now but I am sure the price will lower soon.

YouTube Clip – Bathtub Fun

It really doesn’t matter what’s going on in this video… the guy in it is fucking hot.  So turn it on and take your dicks out.

D@2 Post: Sweetums Premiere

Um Gary Jr. is a damn mess and this is the proof.  Love it like a cold sore.

I’m so sorry that I’ve been silent for so long. You see, I went to the Russian River Valley for a weeklong spa vacay with Misha. It was so much fun. We drank too much wine and made way too many babies. Anyhoo, after that we headed right into the studio. I guess I forgot to tell you all that back in October Kylie’s people (Steve Anderson, thanks Stevie) caught wind of my Sweetums series. They were in Oakland for her first concert in the States and checking out the local talent. A boa and a Divine tribute later, Kylie was eating out of my well-manicured hand. Or…I was eating out of hers. She loved Sweetums and immediately offered me a recording contract on the Bubbles Devere label. Yyyyes. Hunnies is now famous.

The world premiere of my music video was awesome. Kylie showed up. Gaga was there. Oprah introduced me to my adoring fans. I wasn’t given enough tickets to invite the hunnies. Oopsies. So I sent my film crew to the Haus of Hunnies to record them on premiere night. Enjoy!

Ok, so tell me, how does a middle-aged (yet, somewhat cool) straight couple attend a Lady GaGa concert and fit in? I don’t think we are part of her “Little Monsters”, but we do love her! We really want to go, but don’t want to feel old and ordinary.

No…let me break it down:

1. 1.    Buy matching creme nighties from Ross: Dress for Less. Don’t settle for a cheap white slip. Get the one with lace and rhinestones.
2. 2.    Buy a white feather boa from the Halloween Store.
3. 3.    Buy a wig and pink hair spray from the Wig Shop on Mission.
4. 4.    Go over to Nick’s house. Take over Jay’s bedroom mirror. Apply copious amounts of black eyeliner, black eyeshadow and ruby red lipstick. Foundation that shit like there’s no tomorrow to hide the stubble.
5. 5.    Apply your pig snout that Benutty got you.
6. 6.    Make a sign that says “I’m bluffin with my muffin.”
7. 7.    And drink like a fish. Tip well. Drink more. And evenutally the waitress will comp your drinks because you’ve given her like $50 in tips.

Double numbering is so 2010. WHHHHHHHHHHAT. GIRL. WHHHHHAT.
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Stay tuned for the other responses this week.