Posts tagged kettlecorn

Back in 2004 I found myself at home, late at night, bored stiff, and so I did what any normal gay man would do – I logged onto gay.com’s Sacramento chat room (one of the most famous gay chat rooms on the internet at the time). As usual the normal late-night critters were lurking about looking for sex, drugs, and a reason to drink, but I was just looking for people to chat with. Now to be honest I can’t remember how it began, but I found myself chatting with this younger guy named Andy who looked decent enough in his picture. I mean… if he hadn’t looked good I wouldn’t have been chatting with him… OK. We had a pretty good conversation, meaning he could keep a conversation, because lord knows it’s almost impossible for queers to hold a conversation with out letting their dicks take over.

Andy and I chatted for a couple days more when he finally asked me if I’d like to go to his house to watch TV. Now we all know what “watching TV.” means. If this confuses you, let me explain. When a gay man asks another gay man if they’d like to come over and watch TV, or come over and watch a movie, it basically means they want to have sex with you. If you go to their house you will be expected to have sex, and even stay the night possibly. But you know me… I can be a rude nasty bitch, and I’ll totally go to their house to “watch TV”, but not have sex with them. Unfortunately for me this was one night I decided not to be jerk.

So cut to me arriving at Andy’s apartment accompanied with the first season of Six Feet Under (for us to watch of course, and by the way, one of the best shows ever made). The first thing I noticed was that Andy didn’t look like he did in his picture, but this isn’t too surprising. This is an issue with meeting people online; they always choose the best picture of themselves to post online. The problem is there best picture never, and I mean NEVER looks like them, and it seems that Andy is no different than anyone else. He was balding a little, slightly over weight, and he had the gayest smile I have ever seen. You know the smile I am talking about, that painfully sweet, dainty, bitchy, come over here and fuck me in the ass, kind of smile. He seemed nice enough though, so we sat down on his couch and watched a little Six Feet Under. About 10 minutes into the show he looks at me with that gay smile and says:

• Andy: Do you want to cuddle?
• Me: Uh… I don’t know…
• Andy: Come on… Watching TV while cuddling is the best… (Insert gay smile here)

I had just met the guy face to face like fifteen minutes ago, and this fool is asking me to cuddle with him already? What kind of a freak did I come across? Then I remembered the “watch TV” rule – this guy wanted to have sex!

So cut to us cuddling, laying in a way that my arm is slowly going numb underneath him. I remember thinking to myself that I needed to do something to get my arm from underneath him. If I had told him it was numb, he probably would have just figured out some other way of cuddling. So it came to me that if I started kissing him, I could move his body on top of mine, and blood could finally circulate the correct way in my arm. This is not the brightest idea I have ever come up with, but it worked. Now I am stuck making out with this fool, and I wasn’t really horny to begin with.  I know he was getting into it because I began to feel something poking me.

• Me: Is that your cock?
• Andy: Yea…It’s excited… (Insert gay smile here)

Andy gets off me, and stands up right in front of me. All I can see now is a decent sized wet spot on his pants. This guy pre-cum’s a lot and that finally turned me on. Hey… cut me some slack, I am only human bitches. The usual foreplay game takes place for the next fifteen minutes, and we decide to head to his bedroom.

Being the nice guy that I am I decide to do whatever it takes to get him off, so that I can get mine and go home. I remembered from an online conversation we had had earlier that week that he liked to get rimmed. So I threw his legs up, and I went to town on his ass, which to my pleasure was clean. At least this fool knew to shower first. He began jerking off while telling me not to stop.

Two minutes later he came all over himself. This was the highlight of the night. I was barely into this to begin with, and smiley, so kindly, ends my pain. How sweet of him.

• Andy: I’ll be right back… I want to clean this cum off myself.
• Me: Mmhmm

Andy walks out of the room, and into his bathroom where I hear him cleaning up his mess. After about 30 seconds to a minute later, I notice Andy walk out of the bathroom and proceed down the hall toward the front of the apartment. I’m somewhat puzzled because I am expecting him to come back in the room and finish me off, so that I can go home. After about thirty seconds I hear what sounds like plastic being torn or ripped. Still I lie there puzzled. Next I hear a door of some sort closing, and some oddly familiar beeping noises.

It sounds like a microwave.

At this point something is going on, and I need to find out what. I start looking around the dark room for my clothes because I am really not they type of person who walks around one’s house naked.

Pop!

What’s that?

Pop!

I know that sound. I know that fucking sound!!! He is cooking POPCORN!

Fuck being puzzled I am down right mortified at this point. Could this fool actually be making popcorn? Did he forget that he has not finished me off yet? What the hell is going on? Panicked, I attempt to put on my clothes as fast as humanly possible.

Where are my shoes?

Ding!

Oh shit… the popcorn is done.

As I finally find my socks and begin to put them on, here comes Andy munching on popcorn. Is this some sort of sick fetish of his? I don’t know, and I don’t care to find out. He sits next to me on his bed, and as I look over at him I notice a piece of popcorn stuck to his chest. It’s not an actual kernel, but just a small piece of popcorn that dirty slobs get all over themselves because they stuff their faces with too much popcorn. For some reason this vision has been stuck in my head ever since the day I witnessed it. It’s as if that piece of popcorn gave me a sneak peak into what life would be like with someone like him. He seemed so trashy, so ignorant, so disgusting, and I sat there feeling like some truck stop trollop. I was horrified. At that moment he spoke, and as he did I wanted them to be the last words I ever heard from him.

• Andy: Did you want some kettlecorn…. it’s my favorite?
• Me: Uh… I need to go.

I got my shit together, and I left as quickly as I could.

In the days that followed we chatted online, and had many arguments about the night we had. He tried to tell me that he was not thinking right that night, and that he totally felt bad for not getting me off, but at that point I couldn’t care less. He later went on to tell people I slept with him again, which was obviously a load of bullshit. It’s so typical for stupid queers to go back into chat rooms after making fools of themselves, so that they can lie and worm their way out of all the bad press that someone gave them. The last I heard from him he was living with his grandmother in Jackson CA, addicted to cocaine.  Mmmhmm.

And that… is one of Nick’s Greatest Moments.