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Posts tagged Jimmy
Poor Jimmy
Jul 25th
So my friend Jimmy from Phoenix just sent me this text:
“That’s my foot…and apparently the remnants of my nail-girl’s recent pregnancy. Really Kim???! Cover it up!!”
See the photo attached to this text.
Thanks Jimmy. 
Nick’s Greatest Moments: The Bicycle Incident
Mar 5th
In 2002 I lived in Phoenix with my friend Jimmy, and I worked at Trader Joe’s about 4 miles from our home. I’ve never owned a car, so I would ride my bike to and from work. This specific Trader Joe’s was located in the parking lot of a large mall which I had to ride thru to get home.
One day I was leaving work around 10pm at night, and riding my bike thru the parking lot like I always do. As usual there were a lot of douche bags in cars that would honk at me, as if I was doing something wrong by riding my bike. I’m guessing these Phoenix types aren’t used to seeing people outside, seeing as it is so fucking hot there. As I was about to exit the mall parking lot this black BMW rolled up next me driving very slowly. Next thing I know I hear muffled gun shots… kind of like if someone had a silencer on their gun. I thought to myself, “holy shit… these bitches are trying to shoot me”. I started peddling faster, and they kept shooting. I heard one ricochet off my bike, and another flew by my ear. I decided I need to jump off this bike, and hide behind some bushes. Being in Arizona though, they don’t have any damn bushes, all they have is cactus!
Then it happened!
I got hit in the back near my right shoulder. I jumped off my bike, and fell into some rocks. The pain was unbelievable. I reached around to check my wound, and I could feel the blood all over my back. I pulled my hand back in front of me to see the blood, but it wasn’t red. It was pink! These assholes shot me with a paintball gun. I looked up at the car, and I could hear them all laughing. I instantly got pissed. Since I worked for Trader Joe’s I had a box cutter on me, so I pulled it out, exposed the razor blade, and ran for the BMW. Before I could reach it though, it screeched away down the street.
When I got home Jimmy had a good laugh over my experience, and so did the man-whore I caught him with. (That’s right… I said it).
And that… is one of Nick’s Greatest Moments.
Question of the Week (02/20 – 02/26)
Feb 20th
This week’s question was asked by Jimmy from Phoenix, AZ:
Q: What TV commercial bothers you the most?
Hi Jimmy. Thanks for your question. This is SUCH an important question because there are so many commercials that make me want to kill myself and I want to share my pain with others. There’s that Olympic commercial with the patients saying AAH which they turn into a song. Eww. That makes me want to gag. But there’s something even worse. 9 times worse.
There is a series of 9 commercials from one website that make me want to murder the world. That website is www.freecreditreport.com. And each one of their commercials has its own special name. One is called Rollercoaster. One is called Renaissance Fair. But the absolute worst is called ROCKSTAR. Does it bother you bitches too? Those band members are ugly. Well, I say all of the band members are ugly but that’s not true. Especially for the Cro-Magnon drummer. Mmhmm. Oh who am I kidding? He’s not a Cro-Magnon; he’s a cutie! I would have sex with Mario Telaro in a freecreditreport.com minute. He could ride in my Pinto with a Zack Morris cellular phone any day. Hey Mario, I’ve got a 798 on my credit score. Come n get it drummer boy. Paa bump in my rump, pretty please, drummer boy.
(Dear Mario Telaro, If you ever read this post when you google your name, please send me a headshot and what is your least favorite commercial. I promise I will include a better picture of you and will give you mad props. However, if it’s one of your other band members…meh. It’s gary@deadat2am.com in case you were curious. Toodles!)
The Only Cro-Magnon I'd Do
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Stay tuned for the other responses this week.