What the hell?! Bitch, you take four years off of music and Bionic is the SHIT you finally give us?! Oh hell no.

I’ve always loved your voice and I actually like Not Myself Tonight — defending it to Nick for the past month has not been easy, girl — but I can’t get your back on this one any longer. I was even gonna perform that shits at Nicks drag race party this summer but not no mo huhhhns! My friend BK summed up your new album best, “Some good ballads are tainted by really cheap, poorly written sex songs.” Seriously.

Back in the day you said your new album was going to be “short, sweet and completely different” than what you’ve done before, but honey it’s more of the same trash you’ve always dirtied your albums with AND your deluxe is 22 songs!! That’s not short and sweet. Bitch, after getting married and having a child you’d think you’d have more to say than “it’s all about love & glamour” or “I hate boys.” Ugh.

F’real, let’s break down your album. All I’ll have to do to prove my point is offer a few lyrics, and I’m not even going to address your ridiculous Janet-esque intros:
1. Bionic – so basically what you’re saying is that you needed electronics to aid in producing this album. shame. “So damn bionic wanna hit you with my electronic supersonic rocket” – what?
2. Not Myself Tonight – I actually like this song and think you sound great, but the beats are admittedly early Britney and the lyrics are literally saying you’ve become something foreign to us
3. Woohoo – you’ve got to be kidding me, you have a child and then sing about guys wanting your vag which you now call a woohoo? Ugh. “I’m a little tipsy, play along with me” or “Licky licky yum yum what a great guy, now kiss on my”
4. Elastic Love – your love is like a rubberband? Good metaphor taken too far, like when the second verse begins “A rubberband was an analogy, you can even say it was a metaphor” — no shit, bitch. No one took it literally.
5. Desnudate – is this even a word? Or is it your “If You Seek Amy” coz I don’t get it.
6. Glam – good choice not making this the first single coz it sounds eerily like Ciara’s “Work” — like almost exactly. And who cares about this: “Blush on lashes on mascara strong, lips eyes cheeks face give it style grace” because you stole that from Bebe
7. Prima Donna – REALLY?! A song about how you’re the queen of the world? Very 2002. “Hands up, catch this feeling, there’s no catching this.” Blah.
8. Sex for Breakfast – following an intro called “Morning Dessert” – now that’s just stupid. And annoying.
9. Lift Me Up, All I Need, I Am, and You Lost Me – the ballads that should have made up the entire album, but seriously blemished by the song immediately before it.
10. I Hate Boys – yeah, well now I hate you. Even Katy Perry wouldn’t sing this. “I hate boys, but boys love me, I think they suck and my friends agree.”
11. My Girls – even having Peaches on the song couldn’t help it? And it’s all really ruined by having it come after a song about boys. Cliche. “My girls, we’re running the show, My girls, we’re teasing all the boys on the floor.” Barf.
12. Vanity – “I’m not cocky, I just love myself, bitch!” really? Coz I’m sure you just sang about ruling the world and how you’re hella glamorous. And later in the song you say “I turn myself on.” Ummm.. I kinda like your voice on this song though.

Basically, you made a lot of poor choices in making this album and I can’t help but start to understand why Perez is calling you Floptina & Clonetina. Well-deserved.

Disappointed & Craiged,

Benutty