Next stop… Whores!
Posts tagged heifer
The Tales of Trollgatha and Cockfie
Jan 11th
Like my first story “The Tales of Trollgatha and Heifer“, I made this story up as I went along, and I didn’t revise it at all.
I call it… The Tales of Trollgatha and Cockfie.
Once upon a time there was a small man named Cockfie. Cockfie liked to bike, do yoga, and read books about history. He was very happy with his life except that he was lonely, and wished to share his life with another. One fall morning while biking through town Cockfie came across an unusual sound. He stopped and listened for a bit trying to figure out what could be making such a horrible sound. As he got closer and closer it was now evident that the sound was coming from Golden Gate Park. He thought to himself “Could it be Trollgatha? Who would cross that horrible thing without offering it burritos?” He went to investigate. As he walked up toward the enormous foul smelling beast he noticed that Trollgatha had been sitting on someone. It was a young mousy looking girl. She screamed for Cockfie to help her, and without hesitation Cockfie ran to the nearest trash can and pulled out a week old poppy seed bagel with cream cheese wrapped in foil. He ran toward Trollgatha and yelled “Here, you nasty monster… now let her go”, and he threw the bagel at Trollgatha. The bagel landed on its chest sticking to all that nappy hair, and all that Trollgatha could see was the shiny reflection of the foil. “Uuhhhh Brooches!” Trollgatha yelled. Trollgatha was so excited he started gyrating on his stump. Cockfie ran toward the girl and tried to pull her from underneath Trollgatha’s enormous thighs. Lucky for them both all the gyrating caused Trollgatha’s ass to start sweating and with all the moisture dripping down it provided enough lubricant to slide the girl free. Cockfie and the girl ran as fast as they could away from Trollgatha.
That night Cockfie and the girl whose name was Kittoris spent the night together. She rode him like he had never been rode before, and as Cockfie fell asleep he finally knew that he had found the girl for him. All his dreams had come true. The next morning as Cockfie woke from his sleep he noticed that Kittoris was gone. He sat there in bed, tears welled up inside his eyes replaying the events of last night wondering what he had done wrong when he noticed something else was missing! His balls were gone! He jumped out of bed, ran outside and with a huge smile on his face he yelled “She does love me!” From that day on Cockfie did everything Kittoris wanted, and he never said no to her. He truly was a man with no balls.
The Tales of Trollgatha and Heifer
Jun 10th
At work today around 4:45, Gary Jr. messages me and says… “tell me a bedtime story”.
The following is what I told him. I just made it up as I went along. Enjoy.
I call it… The Tales of Trollgatha and Heifer.
Once upon a time there was an evil hairy troll named Trollgatha. He lived under the Park Presidio by-pass in Golden Gate Park. He was a mean little troll who forced all who crossed his path to pay him in burritos with sour cream and guacamole. No one really knew why he was so mean, but according to legend it all started when he was 13 years old. His thighs started to grow at an unbelievable rate, and soon walking became a burden. He had to rock himself back and forth… over and over to get enough momentum to get his tired sagging hairy body to move. Finally one day he was rolling down JFK drive in Golden Gate Park when his thighs got stuck under the bridge. He has been there ever since.
One day a portly little heifer came grazing his way, and Trollgatha demanded his burritos. The little heifer did not have any burritos so instead he coughed up some cud and spit on Trollgathas hands and said, “that’s all I have… I’m just a poor fat heifer”. This angered Trollgatha, and soon the poor heifer could see that he started rocking back and forth… Trollgatha was attempting to MOVE! The little heifer ran in fear back up the hill but unfortunately for the little heifer his rolls slowed him down and Trollgatha finally gain enough momentum to roll his way. Trollgatha rolled on top of the heifer and demanded his burrito or be squashed under his hairy sack. The little heifer tried everything to escape but the smell of Trollgathas balls were too much to handle, and it weakened the poor portly heifer. Just as the little heifer was about to pass out he noticed something in Trollgathas shaggy rancid beard… it was a piece of a burrito!! It was either very old or had blue cheese in it, but it didn’t matter… heifer reached as far as he could, adding more stretch marks to his belly, grabbed the old molded burrito and said… “Here Trollgatha… take this blue cheese burrito it’s just for you”. Trollgatha let out a gasp and ate the burrito as fast as he could. He released little heifer and waddled his way back under his bridge, which was now his home.
The little heifer went back to town and told all the towns people that they never have to worry about Trollgatha again, as they could take all their old molded scraps to Trollgatha and that he would accept them as payment. And for many years he did until he finally died by the fumes of his own wretched smell. That location has since been labeled a disaster area, as the fumes are so toxic no one will ever be able to cross under that bridge again.
The moral of the story little children is… don’t be a lazy bitch like the heifer…. walk over the hill instead of under the bridge, but if you do come across a disgusting fat troll always feed it… don’t be a cheap bastard.
So What! Who Cares?!?
Jan 20th
So my boyfriend Misha says to me at lunchtime yesterday, “Gosh, baby. Human bodies are so inefficient at processing food. Haven’t you ever wondered why we have to eat three meals a day? Wouldn’t it be better if it were just one meal a day?”
Firstly, hells no! And nope. Never wondered that. Secondly, I was already on Meal #4. So what! Who cares?!?
The Taco Bell Call-Out
Jan 17th
There’s a Taco Bell on Geary Blvd. and 6th Ave. in San Francisco. Technically, it’s also a KFC but irregardless. I may have been there a couple times in my younger years and I hate them. No, I don’t hate them because of the Taco Bell Drive-Thru Diet. I hate them for one very specific reason. I call it the Taco Bell Call-Out.
This Taco Bell is tiny. You open the front door and there’s no place to sit and there’s barely any room for standing in line to order. Anyway, it is policy at that Taco Bell to call out your name when your order is ready. Makes sense, right? Well, after they call your name and you’re approaching the counter to pick up your food, they proceed to call out the entirety of your order even if you’re already right at the counter. They won’t even hand over your food until they’ve finished explaining everything that’s in the bag (or in my case, bags). Once as I approached the counter, I told them not to call out my order and that I trust that the bag contains what I’ve ordered. But it never works.
“GEARY! Order ready for Geary!” (Yeah, they never get my name right). I approach the counter. “Hi, Geary. I have here a Number 5. That’s two supreme tacos and a Mexican pizza. I also have a Meximelt, one Gordita, a bean burrito hold the onions, and a KFC snacker.” At this point all the skinny bitches behind the registers (Luan and Dolores) are snickering. “And cinnamon twists for dessert. Would you like two sets of utensils?” I mutter, “No, thanks. I have forks at home.” “Great! Enjoy. Thanks, Geary.” I quickly grab the bags of food, pull down my hat, put on my divorcee sunglasses and run like hell.
Dear GaGers,
Jan 7th
We implore you to end your relationship with Perez Hilton. He is a disgusting & hypocritical wet pig. Everyone gets it — you feel some sort of obligation to him because “he made you popular,” but all of your Lil Monsters out here truly believe that you would have made it just as big without his prolific endorsement.
Stop letting him call you wifey. No one wants to marry that heif.
Huhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhnnnnnnnn.
He makes us want to vomit. He brings down your image. As much as we love your music, your antics, your fashion, and your claws, how can we really trust someone who saddles herself up next to such a cow-wreck? If you really believe that he helped propel you into the scene then you must also believe that his drowning reputation can grab hold of your hot little thighs and drag you down with him just as easily. Girl, he’s heavy. It won’t take long to pull you under.
Really though,
Benutty