Next stop… Whores!
Posts tagged ex-boyfriend
Nick’s Greatest Moments: The One-Night Stand Incident
Jan 7th
In early 2001, shortly after my ex-boyfriend Gabe left me, I did a lot of drinking at the bars. Surprisingly I wasn’t much of a whore considering how often I was wasted, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t make the mistake of bringing someone back to my house sometimes. For example this guy named Tomas. He was cute and Mexican, so hello… why wouldn’t I want it?
We got back to my place and jumped on the bed to make out. After a good 5 minutes of that we finally got around to taking each others clothes off. While I was pulling down his pants I noticed that his legs had lots of scabs on them.
- Me: What happened?
- Tomas: Oh it’s nothing… I have skin cancer.
- Me: What!!?
- Tomas: I lay out in the sun a lot. It’s nothing you need to be concerned with.
So we continued to fool around although I tried my best not to touch his legs because it was secretly freaking me out. After a few more minutes he started sniffing a lot like he had a cold. He finally asked me if I had any tissue, and I gave him some. We tried to continue what we were doing (which was only foreplay still), and he kept sniffing, so we’d have to stop so he could blow his nose again.
- Me: What are you sick?
- Tomas: No your house must be dusty because my allergies are kicking in
- Me: My house is not dusty
- Tomas: Sorry bitch, but it is. It’s the only thing I am allergic too.
- Me: Well you must be allergic to something else because I just cleaned earlier today.
- Tomas: Like what? Your dirty bed.
- Me: Haha well it wasn’t dirty until your nasty legs got in it.
And just then it happened! He sneezed right in my face. I felt all the wet air blowing right on my face. Now I don’t know if he did it on purpose or not, but at the time I was convinced he had done it on purpose.
I threw him off my bed, grabbed his pants and threw them at his face, and told him:
- Me: Get the fuck out of my house! Coming in here talking about my house is dirty… when you’ve got those fucked up looking cancer ridden legs… small ass dick… who the fuck do you think you are?
This bitch threw his clothes on and ran out of my house fast as if the place was burning down. I mean I did get kind of crazy on him, but this time I think it was deserved. I guess the odd thing to come out of this was that we kind of became friends for a while… really caddy bitchy friends, but that’s the way I like it.
And that… is one of Nick’s Greatest Moments.
You Know What I Hate?
Mar 9th
I hate people who lie. Like for example, my friend Fred was dating this guy Mark a couple years ago, and after 6 months of dating, Mark told him that he had brain cancer. Six months later things got really serious, and Mark wasn’t doing to good. Mark’s family was originally from Singapore, and he told Fred that there was a doctor in Singapore who he was going to see. This doctor was supposedly a friend of the family who they trusted. So Mark and his family flew to Singapore, leaving Fred behind, in hopes of getting some help, and saving his life. Apparently things didn’t go to well in Singapore, and Fred found out that Mark only had a day or so to live. With so little time left Fred couldn’t possibly make it to Singapore in time, and because of tradition they would have to immediately bury Mark. This meant that Fred would miss the funeral as well. Sure enough a couple hours later Mark’s mother contacts Fred to tell him of his death. With no closure Fred mourned the loss of Mark for the next year and a half, and recently just started putting his life back together. Fred was now dating again, and has been seeing a new man for the past month.
Yesterday Fred received a friend request on Facebook from his ex-boyfriend who died of brain cancer. Confused by this, Fred felt that someone was playing a cruel joke on him. Fred messaged this person, and asked what the hell was going on. This person responded with “I just wanted to say hi”. Fred decided to snoop around, and clicked to see his photo albums. All the pictures were of his ex-boyfriend Mark. There were pictures of Mark getting married to a woman, and many pictures of him and this woman kissing. Still confused, Fred decided to contact Mark’s brother about this mysterious person on Facebook claiming to be Mark. His brother simply said to him “It’s Mark…. He faked his death, and we all lied about it. I can’t tell you anything more though” That’s right…. He faked his death, and now is apparently straight living in Indonesia. Who the fuck does that? And who the fuck decides to notify you via a Facebook friend request!!?
Sadly… this is a true story.