Yesterday, a friend of mine invited me to her new cousins baptism. I have my thoughts about baptism and religion and so do you, but lets put them aside, and jettison to the real purpose of this post. I inquired about what exactly is a baptism? What happens at a Baptism? I’ve only been to two in my life, my twin brothers and my own. Needless to say, I don’t remember them. Anyway, my friend filled in the blanks for me and also mentioned that her mother had been named the child’s God Mother. I got to thinking…

Years from now, if I have a child my wife may want to have a baptism. BUT… I have some great ideas. My thought is… Make it a party and invite all of our friends. And… who gets to do the honors of dunking my first born child in holy water? Which ever of my friends has the best arm. Why not set up one these. We’ll just get the priest, or bishop, or whoever does the baptism to bless the water before hand. My babies mama (in a white tee-shirt of course) will sit with the baby on the chair and there we go. Every guest has to take a shot, or chug a beer, spin around three times and then you get two pitches. If you’re aim is good, you baptize my child and get a peek at the mothers nips.

Serious stuff now. I also thought a lot about this Godmother business. I asked my friend about it and she informed me that it is supposed to be someone who is practicing the faith. None of my friends for sure. But that’s when I got my next good idea. My child will have a Godmother, sure sure, somebody to help pay for college and teach him/her life lessons. But what about street smarts? Singing lessons? How to open a champagne bottle? Those lessons will come from my child’s Fairy God Mothers. Like sleeping beauty he/she will have three:

Gary Jr, Benutty, and Nick.

Lastly, while I am assigning extraneous positions to my children. I shall also position Jay as my child’s God Steward. If my child has a problem with our parenting, feels that chores are too heavy or allowance is too low for said chores, grievances will be filed through Jay.