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Posts tagged drunk
Someone Was Drunk Last Night
Dec 11th
Late last night I got a call from Benutty. He was super drunk and wanted me to go to the Cinch with him. I could tell by the slurs, and his unusual kindness that he was in no condition to be out in public, so I declined his offer. Shortly after this call I received this series of text messages from him. I still have no idea what he was talking about, but as you can see I just kept egging him on to text more. Oh and some texts came with a photo ugh.
Benutty: Gsry will die over the text I just left gin
Me: What did it say?
Benutty: It as a vkivrma
Me: Oh Huhns smart. What are you doing?
Benutty: Grindr un drj nib so I want to dj d some one to budj
Me: Do it girl. Love it
Benutty: O yor to Wk out with bk
Me: Love BK. I want cheese.
Benutty: Euepach
Me: Drunk much?
Benutty: No, I’m getting lays & s cream
Me: Yummers
Truly a great drunk. I also love that his tweet this morning was “#toilethugger” haha Good job girl!
Speaking Of Messes…
Oct 9th
Look what I found on Jay this morning… He claims he doesn’t know where it’s from, but he thinks it might be from the booze fairies. You decide…
Nick v. Shalita Double-Double
Oct 8th
In order to prove what a goddamn mess she is, your Honor, I’d like to call the defendant, Shalita Double-Double, to the stand.
Rests,
Nick
Braveheart
Jul 12th
You know I have never liked Mel Gibson, but I have to say he has gotten very entertaining lately. These tapes of him losing his shit are insane! How has he never played a drunken mess before… he would be perfect. He could have played Precious’ mother better than Mo-Nique… seriously!
Go to this page and scroll down to the video which has the most awesome 7 minutes of audio ever. How can anyone not hate this idiot?
Drunk & Sober
Jul 11th
Nick’s Greatest Moments: The Bitch Slapping Incident
Feb 24th
My friend Vanessa and I were really good friends, and we did everything together. If you invited me somewhere you knew Vanessa would be in tow, and vice versa. She was my first official fag-hag (Alfie is my current one if you were wondering… that’s right, I said it). I remember one night it was raining, and we had made plans to go to Anna and Jeremy’s house. They had been a couple for 2 or 3 years at the time, and they were both very attractive. Seriously… I would have done Jeremy without a second thought (sorry Anna). Vanessa asked me not to drink to much that night, so that I could drive home since the weather was shitty. She was always worried about that kind of shit, and hello… I am like the best driver ever.
I ended up drinking a little more than I probably should have that night… well not a little, more like I drank a whole lot. As it got later Vanessa finally realized that I was still drinking, and that I was totally wasted. The next thing I know she slaps me across the face!
- Vanessa: You fucker!
- Nick: What the fuck is that for bitch?
- Vanessa: You are supposed to drive tonight
- Nick: I can still drive
- Vanessa: No you CAN’T!
And she slapped me again.
- Nick: Stop fucking hitting me you fucking cunt. I’ll sober up and we can go.
- Vanessa: You’re such a fucking asshole!
- Nick: (looking over at Anna and Jeremy) someone forgot to take their fucking Midol or something
- Vanessa: I hate you!
And she slapped me a third time.
- Nick: I dare you bitch… slap me one more fucking time… I fucking dare you, you fat ugly whore.
Vanessa looked at me with crazy on her face, and slapped me again. Without a pause I swing and slap her back as hard as I could. She yelled out, and started crying. Jeremy got up and took me into the kitchen, and Anna sat down with Vanessa to see if she was alright.
- Anna: OMG she is bleeding
- Jeremy and I: What!?
- Anna: Blood is coming out of her ear.
Yea… So we finally did sober up that night, and I took her home. The next day she called me and told me her ear drum was ripped, and that she couldn’t really hear in that ear anymore. I have to admit I felt kind of bad, but hello you shouldn’t hit someone if you don’t want to get hit back. Turns out a couple months later her ear drum fixed itself, and she could hear again. Soon after we decided to move in together and if you know me, then you know how that turned out.
And that… is one of Nick’s Greatest Moments.
The D@2 Sex Scale
Feb 9th
So back in the day while hanging out at the Café during happy hour, Gary Jr. and I decided we would rate all the guys on a scale of 1 to 5 coming in to the Café based on if we would have sex with them. I thought I’d share this scale with everyone, as it can be used by Hetero’s and Lesbo’s as well.
1) I would never ever sleep with that fool
2) I would sleep with him only if I was really drunk
3) I would sleep with him, but I wouldn’t tell anyone about it
3.5) I would sleep with him, but I would only tell a couple people.
4) I would sleep with him, and tell everyone about it
5) I would do him right here, right now in front of everyone.
It’s a really fun, and usually Gary Jr. and I agree on most of the guys, but we aren’t that picky. Oops.
Nick’s Greatest Moments: The Del Taco Incident
Jan 5th
A couple years ago I got wasted at a bar in Sacramento. Once the bars closed the only thing I could think of was to get food. (Yes I am a fat bitch… leave me alone.)
I decided I wanted to go to Del Taco which was 10 miles away. So I got in my car… drunk…. and went to Del Taco. Lucky for me I made it there safe, and I didn’t kill anyone else in the process. (After school special anyone?)
I got my food and parked in a nearby Target parking lot, and then I apparently passed out.
I woke up in the morning to the sound of a parking lot sweeper, and the smell of old Del Taco burritos. It seems I didn’t quite finish my food the night before, and during my sleep I rubbed the burrito all over myself. It had looked like someone took a giant shit on me… a Del Taco smelling shit. It was everywhere… my shirt, my pants, my arms, my hands, my face, the seat belt… It was a disaster.
And that… is one of Nick’s Greatest Moments.