‘scuse me the Giants are HOT this season (and by hot I mean they’re both hella good players and hella gorgeous-ferosh men) and they’re fitting to win the freaking World Series, girls. We all know that nothing is more important in a championship team than looking sexy. I mean, hello, they didn’t win their division and their league by being good baseball players. As if.

So, so, so sorry to all the hater-whores out there (see: FrankieRose, Aunt Frawn, HRH), but here’s a look at the goodies I already bagged as my boyfriends:

Andres Torres
- Bitches, I’ve had his players card in my wallet all season. Mostly because his ass is the size of Jupiter.

Freddy Sanchez
- Nothing is more mami-sexy than a toddler temper tantrum trot. No, seriously, watch him leave the batter’s box after a strike-out. Toddler temper tantrum trot. Copyrighted it.

Pat Burrell
- Minus the chew this fool is so southern gentleman sophisticated calm looking. Also: The Machine in leather fetish-wear.

Santiago Casilla
- Yummy yummy cool calm collected

Javier Lopez
- OMG. Sweet Mother of All Things Made of Glitter this fool is sex on a stick with a slick sidearm.

And let’s not forget the ones Nick is already sleeping with:

Brian Wilson

- Fear the Beard? No… fear his big dick going up inside me all night long!   Seriously though… how hot is this man, and what is up with his Folsom Street Fair fetishes!

Jonathan Sanchez

- He hit me just like he did Chase Utley, but unlike Chase I hit him back. Over and over.  This boy has hot latino passion and you all know that is my weakness!  (PS: I’d do Utley too)

Jeremy Affeldt

- You know I have a thing for guys whose beard is darker than the hair on their head.  Yes!   Hottie hot!  I think I A – Felt something in my pants!

I know what you are thinking.  Um Nick has a thing for pitchers.  Well not so… I also love Andres Torres, but hello.. who doesn’t?  Even Alfie would hit that.

What about the other D@2 friends and family:

Tim Lincecum

- Oh don’t touch FrankieRose’s man… she is all over this hippie like pot at a Grateful Dead concert.

Juan Uribe

- Leave it to Aunt Frawn to be with the home run star of the last 2 games.  She must be doing something right!  Keep it up Aunt Frawn!

Madison Bumgarner

- Jay would like the guy who sort of looks like Nick…  They share the same ears.  I’m disNICKed!

Buster Posey

- Gary Jr. loves the young fit guys full of energy… “it’s ok baby, just lay there, and I’ll do all the work.”  aww how nice of Buster… or as Gary calls him…  Butt Buster!

Cody Ross

- Shawnito loves his smile, and his sexy beard.  Time to get matching tattoos boys!

Edgar Renteria

- HRH loves her short stop chocolate daddy.

Wait. I also tried out for Real World waaaaaaay back in the day. I’m fucked.

But maybe, just maybe, I’ll get a call-back this time. I like need to meet Ozzy.

Help me get noticed by viewing my audition video and commenting on how cute I look, how funny I am, and how badly you want me on the show!!

After that, make your own and try out, too!