At work today around 4:45, Gary Jr. messages me and says… “tell me a bedtime story”.

The following is what I told him. I just made it up as I went along.  Enjoy.

I call it…  The Tales of Trollgatha and Heifer.

Once upon a time there was an evil hairy troll named Trollgatha. He lived under the Park Presidio by-pass in Golden Gate Park. He was a mean little troll who forced all who crossed his path to pay him in burritos with sour cream and guacamole. No one really knew why he was so mean, but according to legend it all started when he was 13 years old. His thighs started to grow at an unbelievable rate, and soon walking became a burden. He had to rock himself back and forth… over and over to get enough momentum to get his tired sagging hairy body to move. Finally one day he was rolling down JFK drive in Golden Gate Park when his thighs got stuck under the bridge. He has been there ever since.

One day a portly little heifer came grazing his way, and Trollgatha demanded his burritos. The little heifer did not have any burritos so instead he coughed up some cud and spit on Trollgathas hands and said, “that’s all I have… I’m just a poor fat heifer”. This angered Trollgatha, and soon the poor heifer could see that he started rocking back and forth… Trollgatha was attempting to MOVE! The little heifer ran in fear back up the hill but unfortunately for the little heifer his rolls slowed him down and Trollgatha finally gain enough momentum to roll his way. Trollgatha rolled on top of the heifer and demanded his burrito or be squashed under his hairy sack. The little heifer tried everything to escape but the smell of Trollgathas balls were too much to handle, and it weakened the poor portly heifer. Just as the little heifer was about to pass out he noticed something in Trollgathas shaggy rancid beard… it was a piece of a burrito!! It was either very old or had blue cheese in it, but it didn’t matter… heifer reached as far as he could, adding more stretch marks to his belly, grabbed the old molded burrito and said… “Here Trollgatha… take this blue cheese burrito it’s just for you”. Trollgatha let out a gasp and ate the burrito as fast as he could. He released little heifer and waddled his way back under his bridge, which was now his home.

The little heifer went back to town and told all the towns people that they never have to worry about Trollgatha again, as they could take all their old molded scraps to Trollgatha and that he would accept them as payment. And for many years he did until he finally died by the fumes of his own wretched smell. That location has since been labeled a disaster area, as the fumes are so toxic no one will ever be able to cross under that bridge again.

The moral of the story little children is… don’t be a lazy bitch like the heifer…. walk over the hill instead of under the bridge, but if you do come across a disgusting fat troll always feed it… don’t be a cheap bastard.