Dead at 2am » bitch

Nick’s Greatest Moments: The Rude Bitch Incident

Nick — Sun, 21 Nov 2010 11:42:17 +0000

Back when I lived in Phoenix Arizona, I had worked at a Trader Joe’s. They typically put me in the express lane because I was super fast at checking people out. I’m totally awesome that way! Like most Trader Joe’s around the country this one was impossibly busy right after most people got off work (around 6pm).

This one day I remember I was at the express lane, and all the lines (including mine) where really long. This woman walks right up to the register I was at and puts down here hand cart, and says…

Rude Bitch: Hi, I’m in a hurry, so I need to check out right away.
Me: Well you should have thought about that before shopping at this time of night.

I pick up her hand cart and give it back to her with a smile.

Rude Bitch: *gasp*… To hell with you!

She said as she set down her hand cart on the floor.

Me: Have a nice day! *smile*

She stormed out of the store and the couple people who were next in line clapped and laughed.

I don’t know who this bitch thought she was but there is no one who is going to skip in front of my line. You better plan better next time…. Okay!

And that… is one of Nick’s Greatest Moments.

Nick’s Greatest Moments: The Lyons Incident

Nick — Thu, 04 Mar 2010 01:46:26 +0000

If you were drunk, and in midtown Sacramento in 2004 you probably ended up at Lyons Restaurant after 2am to sober up. Lyons was pretty popular with gay crowds then, but had recently seen an influx of straight people after a shooting at Denny’s down the street.

So here we are waiting at Lyons for a table at around 2:30 in the morning, and I was into some deep conversation with my friends. We had been discussing a recent article I read about average penis sizes per country, and that the article claimed that people in China on average had the smallest penises. Unfortunately standing right in front of us was this big group of Chinese mafia types, and they were not happy to hear that.

Chinese Girl: Are you talking shit about Chinese people?
Me: Um Yea… private conversation here.
Chinese Girl: You better not be talking shit about Chinese people because we’ll fuck you up.
Me: We were talking about how Chinese guys have small dicks… (in a lower voice) and apparently they’re stupid bitches too.

With that we obviously argued for quite some time until we finally got a table. I was looking at the menu when the next thing I know I got punched in the face. I look up, and there is this little Chinese guy standing across the table from me.

Chinese Guy: Why you call my girl a bitch?
Me: Because she’s a bitch like you!

He lunged at me again, but a couple of friends of mine got up and stopped him from getting any closer. Then the Chinese girl came up beside me, and punched me in the face. Well lets be real for a second… she did her best to punch me in the face. It was more like a mosquito bite. At this point all the employees at Lyons got involved, and the Chinese mafia ran out of the place. The manager at Lyons called the cops, and when they arrived they asked me all sorts of questions. Finally they told me that they had picked up the mafia, and had them sitting outside. They wanted me to identify them, so that I could press charges. I went outside with the officer, and walked over where the mafia was sitting. I looked at them, and started to laugh.

Me: Um… wrong minority. They were Asian, not Latino. Nice try though.

And that… is one of Nick’s Greatest Moments.

Nick’s Greatest Moments: The Bitch Slapping Incident

Nick — Thu, 25 Feb 2010 01:03:59 +0000

My friend Vanessa and I were really good friends, and we did everything together. If you invited me somewhere you knew Vanessa would be in tow, and vice versa. She was my first official fag-hag (Alfie is my current one if you were wondering… that’s right, I said it). I remember one night it was raining, and we had made plans to go to Anna and Jeremy’s house. They had been a couple for 2 or 3 years at the time, and they were both very attractive. Seriously… I would have done Jeremy without a second thought (sorry Anna). Vanessa asked me not to drink to much that night, so that I could drive home since the weather was shitty. She was always worried about that kind of shit, and hello… I am like the best driver ever.

I ended up drinking a little more than I probably should have that night… well not a little, more like I drank a whole lot. As it got later Vanessa finally realized that I was still drinking, and that I was totally wasted. The next thing I know she slaps me across the face!

Vanessa: You fucker!
Nick: What the fuck is that for bitch?
Vanessa: You are supposed to drive tonight
Nick: I can still drive
Vanessa: No you CAN’T!

And she slapped me again.

Nick: Stop fucking hitting me you fucking cunt. I’ll sober up and we can go.
Vanessa: You’re such a fucking asshole!
Nick: (looking over at Anna and Jeremy) someone forgot to take their fucking Midol or something
Vanessa: I hate you!

And she slapped me a third time.

Nick: I dare you bitch… slap me one more fucking time… I fucking dare you, you fat ugly whore.

Vanessa looked at me with crazy on her face, and slapped me again. Without a pause I swing and slap her back as hard as I could. She yelled out, and started crying. Jeremy got up and took me into the kitchen, and Anna sat down with Vanessa to see if she was alright.

Anna: OMG she is bleeding
Jeremy and I: What!?
Anna: Blood is coming out of her ear.

Yea… So we finally did sober up that night, and I took her home. The next day she called me and told me her ear drum was ripped, and that she couldn’t really hear in that ear anymore. I have to admit I felt kind of bad, but hello you shouldn’t hit someone if you don’t want to get hit back. Turns out a couple months later her ear drum fixed itself, and she could hear again. Soon after we decided to move in together and if you know me, then you know how that turned out.

And that… is one of Nick’s Greatest Moments.

Nick’s Greatest Moments: The Zest Incident

Nick — Wed, 10 Feb 2010 20:28:56 +0000

In early 1989 when I was 12 my sister Sherry and I were patiently waiting for the music video premiere of Def Leppard’s Rocket on MTV. At the time Def Leppard was my favorite band, and Rocket was one of my favorite songs from their album. The excitement of the day got a little too much for us at one point, and while rough housing in the living room we spilled a glass of tropical punch kool-aid all over the carpet.

Now if you knew my mom you would know that this was not going to be pretty. You see my mom likes to keep her house looking like a museum, and like in a museum, don’t mess with her shit. Seriously though, you have no idea how pissed my mom got when we spilled shit. To this day she has mini carpet cleaners on the first and second floor of her house just in case.

As my sister distracted my mom, I ran into the kitchen to get napkins to soak up the kool-aid. When I was done soaking up all I could from the carpet, I ran to the backyard and threw the kool-aid soaked napkins into the ditch behind my house. As I am about to re-enter the house I can hear my mom yelling… “You god damn kids will be the death of me yet”. Apparently in my rush to throw the napkins in the ditch I dropped one in the hallway which my mom found. So we had to tell her we spilled the kool-aid, and we were sent to our rooms banished from watching TV.

Nothing was going to stop me from watching the premiere of Def Leppards new video though. Two minutes before it was supposed to premiere I quietly sneaked back into the living room, and I turned on the TV with the volume down low. The video started, and I was so excited and happy I could barely stand it. One minute into the video however my mom caught me.

Mom: What are you doing?
Me: I…
Mom: I thought I told you to stay in your room (I start walking back to my room)
Mom (talking to herself): Well I never… These kids today don’t listen… coming out here watching TV when they knew they weren’t supposed to… If I did that when I was a kid my dad would have slapped me silly… spilling drinks… and then I have to clean up after them… they think I am some sort of maid…

Yea… my mom loved to talk to herself when she was mad at us. As I got back to my room my sister peeked out of her room, to ask me what happened. I turned around toward the hallway and yelled: “Mom is being a bitch”

My mom flew around the corner with crazy in her eyes… she grabbed me and dragged me to the bathroom. She told me to open my mouth and she forced a bar of Zest soap in it. When she pulled the bar out of my mouth, about a minute later, she made sure to scrap it across my teeth, so that soap shavings would stay in my mouth. Then I had to sit down and listen to a lecture on why I am not to use those kinds of words, and believe me… it was a long long lecture.

It took me all day to get the soap taste out of my mouth, but I’ll tell you what… I never called my mom a bitch after that. Well… not to her face anyways.

And that… is one of Nick’s Greatest Moments.

You Know What I Hate?

Nick — Mon, 01 Feb 2010 11:00:36 +0000

I hate Debbie Downers bringing parties down because they think their life sucks even though they have it better off than most of us. Boo-hoo cry me a river bitch! I’m so over it.

That’s right… I said it.

Nick’s Greatest Moments: The Kindergarten Incident

Nick — Thu, 21 Jan 2010 20:44:21 +0000

One of my earliest memories is from my time spent in Kindergarten. It was a class with about 20 kids taught by Mrs. Cordero the wife of a cop. I don’t remember much about her, but I do know that I didn’t like her because she was a bitch. Of course I didn’t like the majority of my teachers in school. The classroom was set up so that each table sat 4 children. I sat next to Cindy, this plain looking dirty brown haired mouth breather, who later in life would go to jail for grand theft larceny… a real winner.

One day in class Cindy had some serious morning breath, and I was not having it. I moved my chair to the corner of the table to get away, but being a mouth breather she had polluted the entire area. My only other option at this point was to move my chair back as far as I could which still wasn’t working. Mrs. Cordero noticed I had moved away from my table, and asked me to move back.

Me: No!
Mrs. Cordero: Craig, move your chair back up to the table where it belongs.
Me: No… her breath stinks (pointing at Cindy)
Mrs. Cordero: That wasn’t a very nice thing to say
Me: It’s gross
Mrs. Cordero: Get back to your table before I write your name on the board.

That’s how she punished us in class. If you made her mad she would write your name on the chalk board as a warning. If you persisted to act up, she would eventually put a check mark next to your name which meant you had to spend recess with her. If that didn’t do the trick then she would put another check mark on the board, and your parents would have to come pick you up after class so she could talk to them.

I ended up hesitating to long, and she wrote my name on the board. A couple minutes went by and I had had enough of the mouth breather.

Me: Stop breathing
Cindy gave me a dirty look (which believe me… wasn’t hard for a face like that)
Me: You stink like trash
Cindy: Shut up
Me: You are trash

Unfortunately for me this when Cindy started to cry. Mrs. Cordaro looked at me with fury in her eyes.

Mrs. Cordaro: What is going on?
Cindy: He is being mean to me
Craig: She is lying

At this point some other douche bag in class ratted me out (This kid obviously wasn’t worth remembering), and Mrs. Cordaro put a check mark after my name. This pissed me off (Shocking isn’t it?).

I completely stopped talking for most of the morning when finally Mrs. Cordaro asked me a question. I sat there in silence not looking at her. She asked me again, and I kept quiet. She walked up to me, kneeled down, and asked me again.

Craig: I don’t have to answer you, you’re not my mom, you don’t control me, you can’t tell me what to do
Mrs. Cordaro: That’s it!!!

She got up and put another check mark next to my name. The whole class gasped as no one had ever gotten 2 check marks before.

Mrs. Cordaro: I am going to call your mother, and have her come here to talk to me after class.
Me: I don’t care. Stupid!

And with that, I was placed in the back of the classroom facing the wall until my mom came to pick me up. My mom was not pleased as you could imagine, and I realized that day that I should care when a teacher wants to call my mom. Sadly lessons are not learned that easily, and my poor mother was called back to my Elementary School many times… and my Junior High School… and my High School.

And that… is one of Nick’s Greatest Moments.

The Game of Things

Nick — Wed, 20 Jan 2010 18:30:02 +0000

So we recently played The Game of Things, and I thought I would share some of the answers that were given. I won’t tell you what they were answering, but you can just use your imagination.

Your virginity to a troll
The food lost and stuck in Gary Jr.’s belly flap
Your fucking dirty cunt whore pussing pussy filth. God will smite thee and now it shall be Adam & Steve, the guy on the other side of the garden.
Crotch rot
You fucking bitch
Now can I stick it in your butt?
Anything physical
Wait Nick’s age? If Nick’s age, then anything involving the use of hips. Otherwise, I’d say going to law school.
Making out with Megan Fox… er… I mean a tranny who looks like Megan Fox.
You’re wearing an afro wig and bling getting fucked by a troll
STD’s, wrap your shit up Alfie
Nick, Benutty, Gary Jr. and other farm animals
Hand jobs, blow jobs, rimming, riding, S&M… you get it.
Benutty pretending to die. That troll can’t act, and he doesn’t get a joke.