Each time I go to the Berkeley Bowl, I look for him. He’s adorable and a total freak. I have been chronicling the many hairstyles of Rene. I went to the Bowl recently to buy wheatberries (because Misha has it in his mind to grow wheat and then thresh that wheat and make bread. I just want to punch him).

I was so sad because Rene was not working as I entered the store and scanned the aisles for him. Damn. What a let down when Rene my lover is not working.  So I did some shopping, bought 12 cents worth of wheatberries and headed to the checkout. And alas, Rene was found! YYYYYYES. This time he had a new hairdo (of course). His hair was pretty much normal looking this time except he had a long set of bangs on one side of his face. Bangs like 2 feet long. The bangs were made stiff by the use of about 15 or 20 bobby pins running the length of his bangs. I don’t care if he’s a weirdo or not. I love Rene my bagging lover at the Berkeley Bowl.

Rene, if you are ever to read this post, please email me at gary@deadat2am.com or simply teabag me when you see me in your checkout line.

Loves,

Gary Jr.

So I needed limes, lemons, mako shark fillets, tomatoes and some deep penetrating loving, so I headed to the Berkeley Bowl to look for my favorite boyfriend bagger, Rene. But that jerkface wasn’t working today! #blueballs. Oh and I brought Misha with me today so that he could look in the mirror and gander at his doppleganger. But Rene my other lover wasn’t there and I was muy sad. I’ll say it again, Rene wasn’ there!

Anyway, we picked up the groceries. Got in line. I frantically looked for Rene. He wasn’t there. We got into Aisle 5 and I was about to unload my items. I only had about 10 or 15 items but there was a man behind me who only had 3 things and was holding cash in his hand. So I figured, “Oh what the hell?” and I asked him if he wanted to cut in front of me since he only had a few items. (Also, I wasn’t in a rush. Misha had left the aisle and was hunting for his “favorite chapstick” but he ended up not finding it).

Did I mention that the man I let cut in front of me was a devout Muslim? At least I assume he was. He was wearing a skull cap, maybe a taqiyah or a kufi? Anyway, he had a really long black beard and was wearing the same kind of shirts and pants that you would have expected to see when you traveled through some of the Muslim neighborhoods in Bombay when I lived there. Anyway, he was certainly a practicing Muslim. And he was so stoked about me letting him cut in front of me. He said in thickly accented English, “You know in my country, we have a proverb. ‘You can look at a person on the outside and never know what that person stores on the inside.’ It means you can look at a beautiful person and they might be rotten on the inside. But others could be beautiful on the inside and you might never know it. I was here last week and a lady with many groceries did not offer to let me pass in front of her even though I only had a basket of figs.”

I looked at him. Thought about what he said. And suddenly it hit me. He was calling me an ugly fat fuck with a heart of gold for letting him cut in front of me! So I retorted with, “So what which is it? Am I ugly and beautiful inside? Or beautiful and ugly inside?” He responded with “Oh sir. You are certainly both.” And he winked at me. WHAT! He’s so lucky Misha was looking for chapstick because if Misha heard that, he would have gone Chernobyl on his ass.

I laughed and patted him on the back. He then tried to offer me a Black Mission fig from his basket. I refused. But he insisted. I still refused and he told me that figs are “great for digesting. In fact, I rode my bike last week here. And I ate all the figs before I got home. And I had to go to the toilet all night long because I ate too many.” Now, I’m not sure how foreplay works in Saudi Arabia but it certainly doesn’t work like that at the Berkeley Bowl. By this point even the checker was laughing. The fig-flirter paid with cash and before he left, he handed me a fig and smiled.

And thus Rene was replaced with my Muslim boyfriend. JUST KIDDING RENE! I STILL LOVE YOU!!

Anyhoo, I am confused to report that my lover has a new haircut. Allow me to explain. Hmm. Okay, so you know Friar Tuck? Well, my lover Rene has an inverted Friar Tuck. Hair on top. No hair around the middle section and then a small strip along the nape of the neck… Because my lover Rene wouldn’t want to shave off his long rat tail. And so it remains. And the patch of hair on top is not buzzed. It’s quite long. To the point where he has like 6 inch bangs on one side but short on the other side. It’s outrageous.

Had I not known him before the Friar Fuck haircut, I wouldn’t have given him the time of day. But my lover Rene still holds my heart. Now, if only Misha would follow Rene’s cue and do his hair up all fancy…all would be well in the world.

Rene, if you are out there, and not bagging groceries at the Berkeley Bowl, know I always need a good zucchini.

I’ve mentioned the bagger-hipster before to Nick and also to Misha…because for some reason I am always on the phone with one of them when I’m shopping for produce. Anyhoo, yesterday was my first encounter with Rene. He bagged my groceries! Yyyes! Huhnnns! I saw him walking over and I got all stupid nervous giddy like I do. He asked me, “Paper or plastic?” And I semi-grunted/laughed and then said “Uhh. Woooo. Heeeee. I brought my own bags. Snort.” And I quickly turned around and faced the cashier. Basically I’m hella sauve. Rene totally picked up on my awkward admiration and smiled and asked me if I needed any help out to my car. Now, I know he probably says that to everyone, but I’m pretty sure he meant it this time. I said no and smiled back…because if I asked him for help to the car that’s basically cheating on my boyfriend. Yeah, I’m crazy! Anyway.

As I left the store, there was a peal of thunder and out of nowhere there was a crazy downpour. Before, I made it to the car I was sopping … even though I had an umbrella. Mmhmm.