Q: Answer the following questions using no more than one sentence?

What person/s do you most credit with shaping who you are?
–Oprah, Jack Tripper, RuPaul, the robot girl from Small Wonder, Natalie from the Facts of Life, Alex Trebek, Sandra Day O’Connor, the black bailiff on Night Court and Ferris Bueller.

If you were stranded on a desert island, what three people would you most want with you?
–the Staypuft Marshmallow man, Violet Beauregarde (pre-juicing), John Locke.

Who was the last person you know that you fantasized about having sex with?
–Misha. Seriously.

Did you masturbate to this fantasy?
–Yup.

How long should foreplay last?
–As long as it takes for me to finish the pie.

How long should intercourse last?
–As long as it takes for me to finish.

Have you ever licked food off of another person’s nipples or genitals?
–Nope. Just my own.

Estimate: What is the most orgasms you’ve had in a single 24 hour period?
–1/2

Have you ever engaged in a sexual activity while sitting on the toilet?
–Everything should always involve a toilet.

Have you ever done illegal drugs off the nipples or genitals of someone else?
–Nutella ‘n bananas should be illegal…but no.

What is the shortest period of time that you’ve had sex with someone after meeting them for the first time?
–I’m having sex with you right now. And it will continue until I finish.

Have you ever videotaped yourself having sex?
–Having seen One Night in Nick and Babe Does Barnyard, I knew I could never film myself.

Could you really just have sex with one person for the rest of your life?
–I’ve only had sex with one person for the first 28 years, why not keep it just one for the next 14?

What would your mom say if she could see how you answered these questions you sick fuck?
–She died at Oprah.

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