Well I was not about to let that happen again, so I started flushing multiple times to make sure everything could go down easy. Unfortunately one day my brother over heard me flush a couple times, and then continue to tease me for taking big dumps. How nice of him.

So now I am not only freaked out about the toilet over flowing from gross poops, but also about flushing multiple times. I hated being teased when I was younger so I had to make sure not to do anything that would bring attention.

Finally I came up with an idea. I would wipe like I always do, but if I felt like I was using too much toilet paper I would simply just throw the toilet paper in the trash rather than flushing it. I thought I was so smarties. Sadly what I didn’t realize was how awful poop smells, and suddenly everyone in my family was like… “Why does the bathroom always smell like shit?” I went along with it, and blamed my sister’s friends because I really didn’t like them anyways.

Apparently my mom was one sneaky lady, and some how figured out I was the one throwing poopy toilet paper in the trash rather then the toilet. I told her why, and she promised not to tell anyone else that it was me as long as I stopped doing it. So that is when I learned to use as little toilet paper as possible when wiping my ass. Ugh… embarrassing!

And that… is one of Nick’s Greatest Moments.

“I have a song I wrote the other night called Take It Off about when I went to a drag show and how really turned on I was by these transvestite men taking clothes off. I was like, what does that even make me?”

It makes you Alfie.

• 01-Ride the AIDS Life Cycle
• 02-Visit Portugal (Among other European nations)
• 03-Sky diving
• 04-Invent my own board game
• 05-Go on an African safari
• 06-Drive across country (I don’t think I could bike Alfie… we’ll see)
• 07-Write a book
• 08-Own my own business
• 09-Achieve and maintain my ideal weight
• 10-Meet David Beckham and lick him (That’s right… I said it)

I think I have a good chance of completing all of these.   Let’s start!

So I needed limes, lemons, mako shark fillets, tomatoes and some deep penetrating loving, so I headed to the Berkeley Bowl to look for my favorite boyfriend bagger, Rene. But that jerkface wasn’t working today! #blueballs. Oh and I brought Misha with me today so that he could look in the mirror and gander at his doppleganger. But Rene my other lover wasn’t there and I was muy sad. I’ll say it again, Rene wasn’ there!

Anyway, we picked up the groceries. Got in line. I frantically looked for Rene. He wasn’t there. We got into Aisle 5 and I was about to unload my items. I only had about 10 or 15 items but there was a man behind me who only had 3 things and was holding cash in his hand. So I figured, “Oh what the hell?” and I asked him if he wanted to cut in front of me since he only had a few items. (Also, I wasn’t in a rush. Misha had left the aisle and was hunting for his “favorite chapstick” but he ended up not finding it).

Did I mention that the man I let cut in front of me was a devout Muslim? At least I assume he was. He was wearing a skull cap, maybe a taqiyah or a kufi? Anyway, he had a really long black beard and was wearing the same kind of shirts and pants that you would have expected to see when you traveled through some of the Muslim neighborhoods in Bombay when I lived there. Anyway, he was certainly a practicing Muslim. And he was so stoked about me letting him cut in front of me. He said in thickly accented English, “You know in my country, we have a proverb. ‘You can look at a person on the outside and never know what that person stores on the inside.’ It means you can look at a beautiful person and they might be rotten on the inside. But others could be beautiful on the inside and you might never know it. I was here last week and a lady with many groceries did not offer to let me pass in front of her even though I only had a basket of figs.”

I looked at him. Thought about what he said. And suddenly it hit me. He was calling me an ugly fat fuck with a heart of gold for letting him cut in front of me! So I retorted with, “So what which is it? Am I ugly and beautiful inside? Or beautiful and ugly inside?” He responded with “Oh sir. You are certainly both.” And he winked at me. WHAT! He’s so lucky Misha was looking for chapstick because if Misha heard that, he would have gone Chernobyl on his ass.

I laughed and patted him on the back. He then tried to offer me a Black Mission fig from his basket. I refused. But he insisted. I still refused and he told me that figs are “great for digesting. In fact, I rode my bike last week here. And I ate all the figs before I got home. And I had to go to the toilet all night long because I ate too many.” Now, I’m not sure how foreplay works in Saudi Arabia but it certainly doesn’t work like that at the Berkeley Bowl. By this point even the checker was laughing. The fig-flirter paid with cash and before he left, he handed me a fig and smiled.

And thus Rene was replaced with my Muslim boyfriend. JUST KIDDING RENE! I STILL LOVE YOU!!

• Ride my bike across the country and back.
• Visit Lebanon/Syria
• Visit Portugal
• Become a certified sommelier
• Ride Paris-Brest Paris
• Go to a 49ers Superbowl
• Learn a second language
• Backpack across the entire John Muir Trail
• Gary jr.
• Alexis Bledel

Once upon a time, a little drag queen named Barbara Parkins from Palmdale left her humble digs and ventured north to the Big City, San Francisco. Soon, she settles in and makes some friends. Stopping at nothing, the little (big) drag queen works up the ranks and makes it big with her drag friend Sharon Tate (played by Nick and later murdered by the Manson family…sorry girl, it’s semi-biographical). Tate is a bewitching beauty who longs to be taken seriously. Also along the way, the little (big) drag queen meets Patty Duke (played by Benutty) who’ll stop at nothing to get her name on the bill. As their careers rise and fall, the starlets turn to the comforts of sex, drugs and romance–a sure combination for drama, disaster and dildos.

That’s right bitch. It’s VALLEY OF THE DOLLS! And I’ve rented it to play in the background while we get ready on Saturday for our Extravaganza Eleganza.

Shawnito:

Hey look at me in my Lane Bryant stretch pants

Co-worker:

You know I shop there right?

Shawnito:

…….(walking away)

Co-worker:

Now I’m salty

Shawnito:

They’re not Lane Bryant stretch pants they’re Kenneth Cole

Co-worker:

Label whore

Tuesday

Co-worker:

Good morning Shawnito

Shawnito:

Good morning (walks over to her desk)

Hey Aretha Franklin

Co-worker:

Oh no you didn’t ( rips off giant hair bow and throws it on her desk)

Now I’m salty

Time of death 9:45am. R.I.P giant Aretha hair bow.

I think its going to be a salty week here at the office.

what will tomorrow bring?

Benutty’s Bucket List:

• be on Survivor and/or Big Brother and/or Amazing Race
• go to a World Cup game
• live in Manhattan
• become a published author
• perform in drag at a bar/in public

And for the hell of it…

Benutty’s Fuckit List:

• Landon Donovan
• Jay-Z
• The Rock
• Alcide
• George Clooney

Benutty
On my way to the variety shop oops

Nick
What!!! Girl! Loves it!

Benutty
I need a new bra and some Nyx cosmetics lol. And maybe a few weaves.

Nick
Oh girl. Get me a cheap bra. I’ll pay you back.

Benutty
Just a plain black one? Or flesh?

Nick
Prefer black but whatever will do.

Benutty
K I’m getting black too!!

Nick
Hunns!

Benutty
I’ll bedazzle yours

Nick
No one is going to see it

Benutty
But you’ll know it’s shiny and cute!

Nick
Haha. Whatever you choose. Choose your poison.

Benutty
OMG its so crowded here lol

Nick
Girl. The gays love it

Benutty
Gays and Chinese great grandmas

Nick
Exactly

“That’s my foot…and apparently the remnants of my nail-girl’s recent pregnancy.  Really Kim???! Cover it up!!”

See the photo attached to this text.

Thanks Jimmy.

• Nick
• Gary Jr.
• Benutty
• Alfie
• Jay
• Shawnito

I blame this on Gary Jr. Just so you know.

It reads:

I, Elijah, agree to work in hundred-hundred partnership with Benutty, current sole proprietor of Unreal, Inc., and Unreal, International, and 21st Century Unreal. I understand that after the self-instated probation period of an agreed upon term of one month, having begun on Wednesday, the 19th of February in the year 2003 and ending on Friday, the 21st of March in the year 2003, I will be handed another contract, a Contract of Commitment, at which I will decide whether to commit myself to the aforementioned companies and become co-owner along with Benutty or to disembark on this journey, to instead another probation period, or to make it real (which would be horrible). I understand that until Friday, the 21st of March in the year 2003, I am under no obligation to the aforementioned companies and I have the right to negotiate with other companies. This contract is in no way binding.

x____(signed)_____

WHAT THE FUCK?! Someone should have killed me.

And why the hell did I keep this for SEVEN YEARS?!

Not classy. Single. Lame fucktard.