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Greatest Moments
Nick’s Greatest Moments: The Chicken Incident
Apr 1st
About 5 or 6 years ago Jay moved in with Gary Jr. I didn’t really know Gary Jr. at the time, and it was not easy getting to know him since he was forever out drinking with his friends. Sometime in late September/early October Jay went to Southern California for some union bullshit, and Gary Jr. invited me to hang out with him and his other roommate.
I had met Gary Jr. at some weird farmer’s market thing in the Civic Center area, and he was holding a live chicken. He kept making jokes about fattening it up and eating it later on. Now I didn’t know him that well, so I figured anything was possible. It just made the experience of living in San Francisco even stranger. But you know I wasn’t going to ask questions or anything. He wasn’t used to my brutal honesty yet.
We decided to head back to his place and clean up before going out for drinks. I got on the 5-Fulton bus first and then Gary Jr. attempted to as well. The bus driver stopped him:
- Bus Driver: No live chickens on the bus!
- Gary Jr.: What? I’m not going to let it loose or anything.
- Bus Driver: No… No live chickens!
I stood up thinking we were going to have to get off the bus, but then Gary Jr. did something so shocking! He looked down at the chicken, grabbed its neck and broke it… killing the chicken! He then looked back at the driver, and walked passed him and sat down by me. I was in shock, and I was embarrassed… and I kinda felt bad for the chicken.
- Me: So what are you going to do with it now?
- Gary Jr.: I’ll eat it. So what, who cares!
And that… is one of Nick’s Greatest Moments.
Nick’s Greatest Moments: The Skateboard Incident
Feb 7th
Back in 1990, when I was in the 6th grade my friend David and I would always play with my brother’s stuff when he was working. I remember one Saturday morning when we took his skateboard, and we would ride it around like it was a sled. We would start at the top of the drive way, and then roll down to the sidewalk to see who could go farther just by the momentum we gained going downhill.
Later on that day we started laying face down on the skateboard, and we would pretend we were superman. Unfortunately we were not going very far when lying down, and we wanted to go faster. That’s when I got an idea! I told David to go get his bike because I wanted to try something. David had pegs on his bike… Pegs are these little metal rods you screw on to the bolts of the rear tire of your bike that would allow another person to stand on your bike while you pedaled. They were really cool, and I don’t really see people using them anymore. Anyways I had the idea that if I lay down on the skateboard, stomach down, and held on to the pegs of David’s bike he could pull me down the street. Eventually when he was going fast enough I could let go and fly like superman down the street. I’m such a genius right?
There was one problem with my plan though… the back tire on the bike. Since I was holding on to the pegs of the back bike tire, my face was like right up on the back tire. I had to really focus on not letting the back tire of the bike rub my face off.
So we headed down the street, and I was being very careful not to let the back tire rub against my face. Maybe I was concentrating on that a little too much because the next thing I know my right thumb gets caught between in the back gear of the bike and the chain. My thumb goes almost completely around the gear before part of it rips off and I go flying off my skateboard into some bushes. I got up, and saw all the blood pouring out of my thumb, and I go running as fast as I can back to my house leaving a trail of blood on the sidewalk.
My mom ended up taking me to one of those urgent care places which was down the street from our house. Once the doctor cleaned up the wound I could see part of my thumb bone, and I passed out. Since we couldn’t find the piece of meat that ripped off my thumb, we just had to wait for the skin to grow over the area. It was a long painful couple of months waiting for it to completely heal. Now one thumb is slightly flat on top and smaller than the other. Boo!
In the end I still think it was a good idea… I just wish I would have thought about the gears of the bike, but hey… at least I didn’t rub off my face with the back tire right?
And that… is one of Nick’s Greatest Moments.
Nick’s Greatest Moments: The False Teeth Incident
Jan 19th
I used to borrow my parents car all the time back in the day because I never had enough money to get my own. My parents didn’t really want me to leave the greater Sacramento area with the car though. I guess they thought that anything outside of Sacramento was more dangerous of something… who knows. Obviously that didn’t stop me from going anywhere I wanted. I went to Tahoe, Santa Cruz, Napa, and of course San Francisco all the time.
One particular day my friend Vanessa and I decided we wanted to go to San Francisco to go shopping on Haight Street, and to get lunch. By the way… this was before I realized how much I hated Haight Street. Anyways, it took us about 90 minutes to get there, and after about another 15 minutes we finally found parking next to the panhandle. We got about a block away from where we parked when my mom called.
- Me: Hello
- Mom: Nick?… it’s your mom.
She always informs that it is her on the phone even though I obviously recognized the phone number.
- Me: Hey… what’s up?
- Mom: Can you come back home. Your dad left his false teeth in the glove box, and he can’t eat his lunch without them.
What!? First of all… who leaves their false teeth in a car? Secondly, I’m gonna have to lie my ass off… if she knew I was in San Francisco I wouldn’t be able to use the car for a while.
- Me: Um yea… but I’m in Roseville (which is like 25 minutes from where I lived), and we were just walking in to eat… so does he need them like now or can I eat first?
- Mom: Oh. It’s ok. Stay and eat.
- Me: Ok… well I can be back home in like an hour.
- Mom: Ok.. see you soon.
Fucking hell! I explained the situation to Vanessa, and we headed back to the car and started driving back to Sacramento. It took us like 80 minutes to get back, but we successfully delivered the false teeth to my dad.
Talk about ruining the day. Nope not for us… we got back in the car, and headed right back to San Francisco for shopping and dinner! I kinda miss days like that.
And that… is one of Nick’s Greatest Moments.
Nick’s Greatest Moments: The One-Night Stand Incident
Jan 7th
In early 2001, shortly after my ex-boyfriend Gabe left me, I did a lot of drinking at the bars. Surprisingly I wasn’t much of a whore considering how often I was wasted, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t make the mistake of bringing someone back to my house sometimes. For example this guy named Tomas. He was cute and Mexican, so hello… why wouldn’t I want it?
We got back to my place and jumped on the bed to make out. After a good 5 minutes of that we finally got around to taking each others clothes off. While I was pulling down his pants I noticed that his legs had lots of scabs on them.
- Me: What happened?
- Tomas: Oh it’s nothing… I have skin cancer.
- Me: What!!?
- Tomas: I lay out in the sun a lot. It’s nothing you need to be concerned with.
So we continued to fool around although I tried my best not to touch his legs because it was secretly freaking me out. After a few more minutes he started sniffing a lot like he had a cold. He finally asked me if I had any tissue, and I gave him some. We tried to continue what we were doing (which was only foreplay still), and he kept sniffing, so we’d have to stop so he could blow his nose again.
- Me: What are you sick?
- Tomas: No your house must be dusty because my allergies are kicking in
- Me: My house is not dusty
- Tomas: Sorry bitch, but it is. It’s the only thing I am allergic too.
- Me: Well you must be allergic to something else because I just cleaned earlier today.
- Tomas: Like what? Your dirty bed.
- Me: Haha well it wasn’t dirty until your nasty legs got in it.
And just then it happened! He sneezed right in my face. I felt all the wet air blowing right on my face. Now I don’t know if he did it on purpose or not, but at the time I was convinced he had done it on purpose.
I threw him off my bed, grabbed his pants and threw them at his face, and told him:
- Me: Get the fuck out of my house! Coming in here talking about my house is dirty… when you’ve got those fucked up looking cancer ridden legs… small ass dick… who the fuck do you think you are?
This bitch threw his clothes on and ran out of my house fast as if the place was burning down. I mean I did get kind of crazy on him, but this time I think it was deserved. I guess the odd thing to come out of this was that we kind of became friends for a while… really caddy bitchy friends, but that’s the way I like it.
And that… is one of Nick’s Greatest Moments.
Nick’s Greatest Moments: The Father Incident
Dec 8th
Shortly after my family moved from Santa Maria to Sacramento my dad asked me to mow the grass. It was like 101 outside and I was not about to have any of it. Plus I was still mad at my dad for getting a job in Sacramento, and forcing me to leave all my friends and finish my senior year of high school in another city. (Seriously… all you parents out there… do not move your kids to new schools, it is just cruel.)
- Me: It’s too hot outside to mow the grass
- Dad: I’m not asking you… I’m telling you
- Me: No!… it’s too HOT outside.
- Dad: HEY! You’ll do what I tell you.
- Me: Really? You’re going to force me to do it? I’d like to see you try.
- Dad: You’re fucking worthless!
- Me: I hate you.
My dad then opened the front door and slammed it closed, which alerted my mom from the other room.
- Mom: Hey! What’s going on? You’ll knock my plates off the walls.
- Me: Dad is being an asshole
- Mom: Stop that!
- Me: You can’t ignore me my whole life and then suddenly because you have a heart attack become my parent again!
<Back story: My dad had a heart attack 2 years prior. This happened right after the company he worked for went under which is why he had to find a new job.>
What I hadn’t realized was my dad heard my last comment to my mom.
- Dad: Follow my rules or you can get the fuck out.
- Me: Fine… I will leave. I’d rather be anywhere than with you. I wish you had died when you had that heart attack!
- Mom: Nick! Apologize.
- Me: No!
I walked over to my room and slammed the door. I turned on some Smashing Pumpkins and blasted it. My dad and I really didn’t talk for a long time after that. I never apologized either because I don’t feel I need to. He seriously didn’t do shit until after his heart attack and by that time it was too late. He missed his chance, and although I am glad now that he didn’t die, it’s not like he ever apologized to me for being absent or calling me worthless. So whatever!
And that… is one of Nick’s Greatest Moments.
Nick’s Greatest Moments: The Target Incident
Dec 2nd
So I was at Target last night picking up some supplies to wrap gifts for under my Christmas tree when I may have almost got myself into a sticky situation with some nasty white trash.
I was in line behind these two over weight fugly looking white trash ladies who were looking to purchase the new Nicki Minaj CD, and when the cashier scanned it the price read as $15.99 (which I have to admit is a little high for a brand new CD at Target… but whatever). The older fuglier white trash lady yells…
- Fuglier White Trash Lady: What?!?
She then begins to rummage thru her purse, pulls out a sign, shows it to the cashier and says…
- Fuglier White Trash Lady: This was price that was displayed with it.
Sure enough this bitch pulled out some target signage that she obviously stole and put in her purse that said in big bold print $9.99. The cashier looked at it, and was like…
- Cashier: This is for a different CD… the one you are purchasing cost $15.99
- Fugly White Trash Lady: That’s false advertisement!
- Fuglier White Trash Lady: That ain’t right at all!
At this point I am disgusted, so I turn around and look at the Asian lady behind me and we both shake our heads in disbelief. I then let out a big sigh, and the fugly white trash lady turns and looks right at me.
- Fugly White Trash Lady: What!?!
- Me: Nothing…
I turned and looked back at the Asian lady again, and say under my breath
- Me: So trashy
The Asian lady and I snicker a little, and again the fugly white trash lady turns and looks at me.
- Fugly White Trash Lady: You think this is funny?
- Me: Yea… I do
Her eyes got all big, and she was just about to say something when a manager came over to take them aside to talk to them about the situation. I walk up to the cashier, and while he is scanning my stuff he looks up at me and says…
- Cashier: It is trashy
The 3 of us have a good little laugh, and I head toward the doors. As I am leaving I can hear the manager telling the two trashy chunk monsters…
- Manager: The best I can do is give you 10 percent off
- Fuglier White Trash Lady: Well I guess that will do.
Hell no. If I was working at Target this shit would not go down. These two bitches knew exactly what they were doing… I mean why else would you take the signage with you to the register. So tacky. I hate people.
And that… is one of Nick’s Greatest Moments.
Nick’s Greatest Moments: The Rude Bitch Incident
Nov 21st
Back when I lived in Phoenix Arizona, I had worked at a Trader Joe’s. They typically put me in the express lane because I was super fast at checking people out. I’m totally awesome that way! Like most Trader Joe’s around the country this one was impossibly busy right after most people got off work (around 6pm).
This one day I remember I was at the express lane, and all the lines (including mine) where really long. This woman walks right up to the register I was at and puts down here hand cart, and says…
- Rude Bitch: Hi, I’m in a hurry, so I need to check out right away.
- Me: Well you should have thought about that before shopping at this time of night.
I pick up her hand cart and give it back to her with a smile.
- Rude Bitch: *gasp*… To hell with you!
She said as she set down her hand cart on the floor.
- Me: Have a nice day! *smile*
She stormed out of the store and the couple people who were next in line clapped and laughed.
I don’t know who this bitch thought she was but there is no one who is going to skip in front of my line. You better plan better next time…. Okay!
And that… is one of Nick’s Greatest Moments.