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Greatest Moments
Nick’s Greatest Moments: The Shit Talking Incident
Jul 22nd
This is Part II of the Soda & Ivy Incident:
So in High School Ruby and I hung out with the same crowds, but we always tried to stay away from each other. I have to admit that she did become nicer in her old age, but at the time I was not a very forgiving person and I talked mad shit about her every chance I got. Plus it got me laughs, and who doesn’t like that.
So one day during our lunch break we were sitting around in our usual spot. Most of my friends were there… Jenn the closet lezbo, Christian the gayest man I ever met who wasn’t gay (sorry Alfie), Manuel the other big homo on campus (who I wanted to screw), Archie the douche bag who I really didn’t know, but assumed he was a douche bag because that’s how I roll, and Ruby the cunty skank.
We were all sitting around talking shit about our teachers and the drama folks, when Ruby got up and said she was meeting with a teacher or some shit, and walked away. That’s when I sprang into action:
- Me: Thank god she left. She is such a bitch.
<silence>
- Me: Did you see that shit on her mouth… herpes anyone?
<silence>
At this point Jenn and Manuel were both giving me this look like… “shut the fuck up you stupid bitch” (you know the look Gary), and Christian was trying not to laugh.
- Me: I just fucking hate her. She is worthless.
At this point Archie got up and walked away.
- Me: What’s his problem?
- Jenn: That’s Ruby’s boyfriend you dumb ass!
- Me: Oh ooops.
Needless to say Rudy and Archie really didn’t hang around me after that, but hello… he didn’t stick up for her, so obviously he knew it was the truth.
And that… is one of Nick’s Greatest Moments.
Nick’s Greatest Moments: The Soda & Ivy Incident
Jul 21st
Back in 7th grade I had a lot of problems with a lot of people. One of the more ridiculous moments was the Pencil Incident, but another one has stayed in my mind since as well.
It was lunch time, and I was hungry for some Chile Picante Corn Nuts because when I was in Jr. High it was all about the Corn Nuts. It was all about Sun Chips too because they had just come out then (Yes… That’s how old I am). I was waiting in line at the door of the student store. It was basically like this little closet that they converted into a store by cutting a window into the door. Ghetto! My friend Ruby walked over to me, and for no reason at all poured her can of soda over my head. Her and her little Filipino girl gang all started laughing thinking it was the funniest shit ever. After the initial shock of it all I got pretty pissed (to no surprise of anyone). I walked up to her and punched her in the face. Like a little bitch she started crying, and one of her friends ran off to get a teacher or something. Well I was not about to get in trouble on my lunch time, so I took off and headed for the back corner of the field behind our school where I found my friend Lee.
Lunch time was almost over when two of that Ruby’s friends found me.
- Skank 1: She is going to tell the Vice Principle on you.
- Skank 2: You really hurt her asshole… she was just playing.
- Me: Fuck you, you stupid bitches.
- Skank 1: What?!
Lee and I watched them as they tore a vine off the Ivy which was all along the fence. They plucked off all the leaves, ran over to me and started whipping me with it. It fucking hurt like hell!! I don’t know how those S&M leather people do it. I got down on my hands and knees and covered my face and they kept whipping me. Finally I couldn’t take it anymore… As I got up, I back handed Skank 1 as hard as I could. She seriously flew up in the air and landed on her ass. I picked up the whip and whipped her in the back.
- Me: You like how that feels you fucking bitch!
She screamed and ran off with the other skank. The bell rang, and I headed back to class furious. I sat down in my chair… soda covered hair and shirt… dirt all over my clothes… and a couple whip marks on my arms and neck. My teacher came over and asked me:
- Teacher: Are you ok? What were you doing out there?
- Me: Does it look like I want to be bothered today? No… So why don’t you teach your little class and leave me alone.
My teacher walked back up to the front of the class, filled out a form and walked back over to give it to me.
- Teacher: Go to the Vice Principles office.
Well shit… All of that to avoid going there, and my stupid teacher sends me there anyway. Ugh. Hate those fucking bitches! After that day we basically didn’t talk to each other anymore, but I sure did talk a lot of shit about her. Well actually… there was one incident in High School, but I’ll wait to tell that story another day.
And that… is one of Nick’s Greatest Moments.
Nick’s Greatest Moments: The Roommate Incident
Jun 23rd
If you are a friend of mine then there is a side of me you know and fear that is fed with alcohol and anger. It’s when I lose my shit, and innocent souls get thrown out of my apartment. This is not one of those stories though… This is a story about when I didn’t lose control of my temper, and instead I sought out my revenge in other ways.
Back in 2000 my friend Melody and I would make a lot of short films (like Stuff, Stuff 2: Hella Stuff, Stuff 3: Hecka Tight Stuff, and Birth: The Millennium). A lot of this filming took place at her apartment around 8pm to 10pm… Like totally normal hours that people are awake and shit. Well she has this fucking whore bitch of a roommate who always found something to complain to the landlord about. Like… I didn’t put the toilet seat down, or someone drank her orange juice, or someone left the window open, or Melody and her boyfriend have loud sex and it wakes me up. Oh yea… she was a total pain in the ass.
One night I headed over to Melody’s to finish filming Stuff 2: Hella Stuff, and her cunty roommate answered the door.
- Me: Hi
- Cunt: Sorry… it’s after 10. I don’t want you guys hanging out here again today.
*door slam*
Oh hunnnnss. I was livid! The nerve of this bitch trying to tell us what we can and can’t do. So I called up Melody and she came down to let me in to her house. Just as I walk into the house, the cunt opens her mouth.
- Cunt: If I hear one peep from you two I am calling the cops.
- Melody: You do that.
I wanted to go off on this bitch so bad, but I restrained myself since Melody had to live with her. Luckily I hadn’t started drinking. What! So once Melody and I get into her room upstairs we decide that we should just go back to my place because she is obviously on the rag and we are not in the mood to battle it out with her. Before we leave though an idea popped into my head… we should fuck with her shit in a way that she would never know, but would amuse us when she was around and take the focus off her cuntness.
We took turns going into the bathroom, taking the cunts shampoo and spitting the nastiest lugies in it. We also cleaned the toilet with her toothbrush, and Melody peed a little in her conditioner.
Let me tell you every time we saw her after that it was so hard not to laugh in her face. Good times. We did it again right before Melody moved out, but that time we put hydrogen peroxide in her conditioner. I doubt that made her hair turn lighter, but it was still funny.
And that… is one of Nick’s Greatest Moments.
Nick’s Greatest Moments: The Centerfolds Incident
May 27th
Before I came out to a lot of my friends when I was around 19 or 20 years old, we used to go to Centerfolds Strip Club to see all the lovely ladies. I didn’t really go to see the ladies obviously. I went to see my straight guy friends get boners in their pants. It was like… Yea you go get your lap dance and then walk back over here giving me perfect viewing of your business. Of course every once in a while I would buy a lap dance to take attention away from my sexuality (even though all those fools knew).
One of the first times I went to Centerfolds I got a lap dance from a girl named Dakota. I remember after my first lap dance with her, she sat down next to me and asked me:
- Dakota: Did you enjoy that?
- Me: Yea…
- Dakota: Are you sure? I usually get a better reaction then that
- Me: Oh… no it was good.
- Dakota: You’re gay huh?
- Me: Kinda
- Dakota: It’s pretty obvious… you didn’t get hard.
- Me: Sorry
- Dakota: Do your friends know?
- Me: No
- Dakota: Ok. Go ahead and go back… I’ll come by and flirt with you later.
So I returned to the table that my friends were at, and lied about how great it was. About 20 minutes later Dakota came by our table, and sat down in my lap.
- Dakota: I really enjoyed our time together earlier… how about another dance… on the house.
This continued every time I went to Centerfolds. Eventually most of the girls knew I was gay, and they would always come up and flirt with me. They would give me free dances all the time. All my friends were so jealous that I got all the attention. I loved it though… I thought it was fun.
Eventually I stopped going when I came out to everyone. I hung out with Dakota a couple times outside of Centerfolds until she moved to Arizona for school. Before she moved she told me that the reason all the girls would give me free lap dances is because they had a bet to see who could get me hard first. Hellz no bitches! Never happened.
And that… is one of Nick’s Greatest Moments.
Nick’s Greatest Moments: The Rimming Incident
May 7th
Alright… So if you do not want to hear a story about rimming, then I suggest you quit reading right now.
Back in the year 2000 I started dating this Mexican guy name Joel. I was initially attracted to him because he kind of reminded me of a Mexican version of Morrissey. We even gave him the next name “Morricito”. He was a pretty awesome guy who made me laugh all the time. I remember he smelled really good… I couldn’t get enough of it. We dated for about 2 months until I found out he had like 2 other boyfriends. Plus he was slowly becoming a drag queen which at the time I couldn’t handle, but now I think it would be fun. Well I don’t know if he was a drag queen really, but he certainly was a club kid like in that movie Party Monster. BTW If you have not seen Party Monster featuring Macaulay Culkin you should totally get it. Talk about ridiculous!
Anyways… Morricito really like to be rimmed. Like seriously… I was down there all the time. I remember this one night we had went out drinking and dancing (which meant it was probably Latino night at Faces). We headed back to his place, and started fooling around. As usual I went down below for some salad, and let me tell you… I was working some magic… or so I thought. After like 5 minutes or so I realized I wasn’t hearing him making any sounds or anything, and I thought he was getting bored. I looked up from below him, and this fool was sleeping! I just sat there and stared at him in shock. My first reaction was to slap the fool silly because hello… that’s hella rude to fall a sleep on someone. I realize he was really drunk, but come on. I kept my cool though, and decided that I was just going to leave. So I quietly got dressed, and walked the fuck out.
We broke up shortly after that incident, but every time I run into him we always bring it up and have a good laugh.
And that… is one of Nick’s Greatest Moments.
Nick’s Greatest Moments: The TMI Incident
Apr 28th
Has anyone ever said something that was so disturbing it scarred you for life? Well it happened to me 12 years ago or so. Vanessa and I were visiting our friend Elizabeth and her boyfriend Dave. Elizabeth is a very animated open person who loves animals more than any human in the world. She was raised by two lesbians who had the talent of knowing the one thing you were most self-conscience about, and then asking you about it in front of everyone. Dave is this older guy who has been struggling with diabetes for a long time. He has blurry vision and has even lost a toe due to an infection. It was pretty disturbing… well no… what was disturbing was the picture of his toe after it was removed that they had placed on their fridge. Anyways I never understood why they were dating but whatever.
So we were all sitting around watching like Buffy the Vampire Slayer or something, and all of a sudden Elizabeth squeals, jiggles around, and starts to laugh.
- Me: What was that about?
- Elizabeth: Do you really want to know?
- Dave: No, we don’t want to know
- Me: What?? Haha really… what was that about?
- Elizabeth: Wellllllll… I felt a blood clot pass.
- Me: What the fuck does that mean?
- Elizabeth: When it’s that time of month… sometimes you can feel a blood clot come out of your muff.
- Me: You’re kidding?
- Elizabeth: No… it’s like a thick lump of jelly that kind of drops out.
- Me: Ewwwwahhh seriously stop talking before I vomit all over your face.
You know even writing this right now is making me sick to my stomach. I have never been so thrilled to be gay in my entire life. I don’t know how you straights and lesbians can deal with such a horrific thing. I know I know… it doesn’t happen to everyone, but… barf!
And that… is one of Nick’s Greatest Moments.
Nick’s Greatest Moments: The Road Rash Incident
Apr 23rd
Unlike a lot of people I know, when I was in High School we were allowed to leave campus for lunch. During my freshman and sophomore years we would walk to nearby fast food restaurants until my junior year when my friend Amber got a car. I remember on one particular day seven of us wanted to go to McDonalds for lunch. This meant that two people would sit in the front of the car and 5 in the back. I was one of the last people to get in the car, and I had to really squeeze into the back to fit. We could barely close the door on my side. Our friend Pearl just sprawled out on top of all our laps. Keep in mind that this was before seatbelt laws folks.
To get into the drive thru at McDonalds from the direction we were coming from you have to turn left and immediately turn left again into the parking lot. So you are basically making a U-Turn. Well Amber always liked to take that turn really fast, and this time was no different. We came up on the intersection speeding, and then she started making the turn… screeching her tires. The force of it pushed everyone right on to my side of the car smashing me up against the door. The next thing I know Pearl reaches over and opens my door, and I go flying out of the car into the street! Thank goodness there were no other cars on the road or I might have been run over. Amber stopped the car in the driveway of McDonalds and all my friends start filing out laughing their asses off. The humor of the situation quickly ended as I stood up. My whole right arm was covered in blood, and I was not happy. I slowly made my way over to where everyone was, and I walked right up to Pearl and back handed her with my good arm as hard as I could while calling her a stupid bitch. Needless to say Pearl and I were not that great of friends after this.
On the plus side I got to go home for the rest of the day.
And that… is one of Nick’s Greatest Moments.
Nick’s Greatest Moments: The Ricky Ricardo Incident
Apr 14th
Even though my track record with meeting guys online had not been very good, I was determined to find myself a man. I set up a date with this guy named Ricky; he was a cute little Mexican with sexy eyes, but he was really skinny… like seriously on the verge of death or collapse. Whatever!
So we met at a movie theatre to watch Shakespeare in Love. I was running a little late, so we didn’t really have a chance to talk before the movie started. This is where I learned that going to the movies on a first date is a stupid idea. After the movie we talked in the parking lot for quite a while until he finally asked me if I wanted to have dinner with him. Chili’s was right next to the theatre, so we decided to go there. Since Ricky bought the tickets for the movie, I offered to buy dinner. How nice of me huh? When the food arrived I dug in, because hello… nothing comes between mama and her food (except this damned diet!). Well this bitch Ricky wasn’t touching any of his food. Remember this fool is very skinny, so I started to think that maybe he really did have some sort of eating disorder. While I was eating, Ricky was telling me about how his middle name was Ricardo, and that he was named after the character on I Love Lucy. This of course sparked my interest because what queer doesn’t like I Love Lucy (and for all you stupid faggots who are claiming you don’t… you’re fibbing! That goes for you to Alfie). So we got into this big conversation about I Love Lucy, and he told me that his mom gave him her I Love Lucy collection (which consisted of VHS copies of all the episodes, and all sorts of nick knacks). I told him what my favorite episode was, and he suggested that we go back to his place and watch it. By the way… he got a to-go box for all his food. To this day I don’t know if he ever ate anything.
At his house, with drinks in our hands, we were getting all set to watch some I Love Lucy. He puts the VHS tape in, and excuses himself to his room for a while. About 4 minutes later he calls me into his room. This is the scene I saw as I walked in:
First I saw his computer… it was on… and it had various pornographic pictures flashing on it. Next I saw clothes on the floor… the clothes Ricky was wearing that night. Then I saw the nightstand which had a bottle of lube and condoms on it, and finally I saw Ricky… naked on his bed stroking his cock (I ain’t gonna lie… it was pretty hot). I started to walk in when I noticed one more thing… another guy sitting in the corner of the room!!
Me: What’s going on?
Ricky: You said you like people to watch.
Me: No I didn’t.
Ricky: You said that yesterday when we talked online
Me: We didn’t talk online yesterday
Ricky: We didn’t?
Me: Um… No. I think I’m going to leave.
Ricky: What about I Love Lucy?
Me: Really? You want me to stay and watch I Love Lucy? You’re an idiot.
I got my stuff together and I stormed out of there. We had a big ol fight online later that night, but I was so over it and pissed.
Cut to me, two weeks later, in his bed doing it. Oops… I did it again.
And that… is one of Nick’s Greatest Moments.
Nick’s Greatest Moments: The Shadow Incident
Apr 8th
When I was pretty young, I’d say around 7; some shit went down around 6 in the morning that scared the hell out of me. I had been sleeping in my room, and I needed to pee badly. I got up and headed down the hallway toward the bathroom. If you stood at the door of the bathroom you could easily see the window that looked out to our backyard. As I turned into the bathroom, before I could turn on the light, I saw the figure of someone wearing a cowboy hat in the window. I could see it really well because the lights on the street behind our house always shined on our backyard. I stood there for at least a minute in shock until finally the shadow moved off to the right. I ran as fast as I could to my parent’s room and woke them up to tell him what I saw. As I was telling them about the shadow I saw in the window, we all heard this loud bang come from outside. My dad jumped out of bed, and headed for the front door. When my dad opened the door we could hear this weird moaning sound. I ran into the dining room, and hid behind the chairs. My dad went outside to see what was going on, but when he came back to the house he said he didn’t see anyone out there.
About an hour later after I got ready for school my mom asked me to take the trash out. As I walked up to the trash can, I noticed oil on the ground. There was also a trail of dripped oil going to our backyard. I decided to follow the trail of oil to the backyard thinking that maybe our lawnmower was leaking or something (I don’t remember what I was thinking really). When I reached the backyard I saw a body lying in the bushes and a cowboy hat, and I immediately turned around and ran. As I ran back I felt like something was chasing me. You know that weird feeling you get when you are scared and you think someone is right behind you. I hate that feeling. As I made my way around the trash can, I slipped and fell in the puddle of oil. Turns out it wasn’t oil at all… it was a big puddle of blood. I yelled for my mom, and walked to the front of the house. When my mom saw me she thought that I was the one bleeding, but I told her I fell in it and that there was a guy in the backyard lying in our bushes. My mom and dad ran to the backyard, but I stayed put and cried (I was 7… shut up).
Turns out it was the old drunk Mexican guy who lived next door. We figure that he probably confused our house for his, and tried to get in. Then at some point he fell and broke his head open. All I know is that whole incident scared the hell out of me. He didn’t die that day, but he did die another day… in our backyard… while drunk. The dumb fool fell and hit his head again. You’d think he would have learned his lesson the first time. Luckily I wasn’t the one who found him when he died.
And that… is one of Nick’s Greatest Moments.
Nick’s Greatest Moments: The Filipino Porn Incident
Mar 30th
When I was ten years old my friend Sean lived next door to a Filipino family. This family had 3 girls who were all a year apart in age. We used to call them the “Chinese Girls”… we weren’t very PC back in the day. Anna, the oldest, was the same age as I was. Lou-Ann was the middle child, and Hazel was the youngest. Well one day we were all hanging out playing in Sean’s yard, and somehow we started talking about sex. The Chinese Girls told us that their parents had a dirty video, and since they weren’t home we should go into their house and watch it.
We all filed into their parents bedroom, and Anna popped in the video. We were all instantly disgusted. It was some dirty Filipino porn where the girl totally exaggerates how much she is enjoying it, which turns out to be the case in a lot of pornographic movies I have seen. The man, in true Filipino fashion, was much older than the woman, which we found to be totally gross. After a couple minutes Anna decided to fast forward the movie to the end where the man pulls out and cums on the woman’s face. Obviously at ten years old none of us knew what cum was, so we had thought that he pulled out and pissed all over her face. I think that seriously scared us from having sex for a long time. I remember the first time I successfully masturbated I had thought to myself… “Oh…. That wasn’t pee that we saw.” Oops.
And that… is one of Nick’s Greatest Moments.
Nick’s Greatest Moments: The Ketchup Incident
Mar 24th
My friend Vanessa and I decided one day to go to the Hard Rock Cafe for lunch. I ordered a cheeseburger and fries, and she ordered something that made her fat. Anyways I reached for the ketchup, and shook the bottle. There is nothing worse than pouring ketchup out of a bottle, and the only thing that comes out is that weird watery stuff. Gross! You have to mix that shit before you pour it. So here I am shaking away when suddenly the cap flies off, and before I know it ketchup splatters all over my face. I mean it was everywhere, covering one of my eyes, in my hair, in my ear… awful. Vanessa just gasped, and didn’t say a word. Probably because back then I had a very short temper and this was just the thing to set me off. Everything just kind of went silent until I started to hear laughs from the other diners. I asked Vanessa to give me some napkins, and started to clean my face off. Some random diners also walked over and gave me their napkins. Since I was in shock I really didn’t even think about losing my shit. I mean how can you really get pissed at anyone but yourself in this situation. Eventually I had to go to the bathroom and wash my hair in the sink using hand soap as shampoo. Unfortunately the counter tops in the bathroom were all wet, and when I bent down to wash my hair my shirt got soaked. I came out of the bathroom looking like a complete mess. I finished my cold cheeseburger and left.
I was going to go home and take a shower right away, but I decided to go to the mall with Vanessa and shop a little first. A couple hours later I headed home to finally take a shower when I ran into my neighbor Kisha:
- Kisha: Oh my god… what happened man?
- Me: What?
- Kisha: Dude… you’re bleeding.
- Me: What? Where?
- Kisha: Behind your ear.
I reached up to feel behind my ear, and there was a big glob of ketchup there. So embarrassing, I walked all over the mall with ketchup behind my ear.
So yea.. Remember to check the cap before shaking the bottle. Okay!
And that… is one of Nick’s Greatest Moments.
Nick’s Greatest Moments: The Disneyland Incident
Mar 17th
When I was young my family and I would go to Disneyland once a year, but as we got older only my brothers and sister would go. My parents just stayed behind because it was cheaper for them not to go. There was this one time when my middle brother Kris couldn’t make it, so I brought my friend David with us. David had never been to Disneyland, and he was really excited to go.
While in the car heading to Disneyland, David started getting really quiet. I was thinking that he was just tired or something. While sitting in traffic on Interstate 5 in Los Angeles David suddenly shouts out…”I’m gonna throw up”. We all start yelling at my brother to pull over, but if you have ever been in traffic in Los Angeles at 8 in the morning then you know how hard it is to get over to the side of the road. With one lane left to get in before we could pull over David throws up all in his jacket. My sister sitting between us jumps up screaming in to my lap. It smelled like boiled beef. It was fucking disgusting.
So we got off the freeway, and went to some ghetto little store like MacFrugals or Pic n’ Save to get him new clothes. He told us that his mom made him eat a whole steak, and a huge bowl of white rice before he left that morning (yea he was Asian). So after he cleaned himself up and after we cleaned the car we headed back toward Disneyland.
For the rest of the day David smelled like puke, but I didn’t care because I was at Disneyland having a great time. For lunch I got these spicy skewers in Adventureland, and they were really delicious. Unfortunately my bowels didn’t agree with them very much, and picked the worst possible moment to start acting up. I was just about to get on the Pirates of the Caribbean, a 15-minute long ride. Through out the whole ride I was clinching my butt as hard as I could to keep everything in there from blowing up. When the ride ended I could barely get out of the boat because I was in so much pain. When we finally got to a bathroom I barely had time to get my pants down before it started shooting out. It was like opening a can of coke that someone had just shaken. Really it was gross. The rest of the day at Disneyland I couldn’t really go on any rides because I was in and out of the bathroom. The shits were getting worse as well… from a steamy watery deluge to sticky soft serve ice cream (and you know how those take forever to wipe). By the time we had to walk to the car at the end of the day my asshole was chafing like you wouldn’t believe. I had wiped my ass so much it was bleeding. For real. Fortunately I didn’t have to go anymore once we started driving home. Between my explosive shits, and David smelling like puke all day this was hands down the worst trip ever to Disneyland and the last with poor David.
And that… is one of Nick’s Greatest Moments.
Nick’s Greatest Moments: The Mexican Food Incident
Mar 10th
In early 2002 I went on a lot of dates, and for the most part they were all awful. Jonathan was this white, boyish looking, kind of like that boy next door type. Basically he wasn’t really my type because at the time all I wanted were little hot Mexicans. Anyways we met online, and he asked me out to dinner and a movie. He said he would pick the movie, and I could pick the restaurant. I decided to pick my favorite Mexican restaurant at the time…524. That’s right… 524 is the name. He picked A Walk to Remember with Mandy Moore (boring!).
From the moment we met at 524, he was talking mad shit about the restaurant. How it looked dirty and how was in a ghetto neighborhood. I tired to explain to him that good Mexican food is always found in dive restaurants. 524 always gave each table two types of salsa, one that was pretty hot, and the other that was extremely hot. Jonathan decided to ignore my warning, and poured the extremely hot salsa all over his food. After about 10 minutes the poor kid was sweating, nose running, and totally miserable. That’s what you get when you don’t listen to me. (hint.. hint)
We headed off to the movie theatre, got good seats, and waited for the show to start. While we were talking I kept hearing grumbling noises. Kind of like when you are hungry and your stomach is yelling at you. Jonathan suddenly got out of his seat, and told me he was going to go get candy. After about 10 minutes the previews started, and still Jonathan was no where to be found. Finally about 3 minutes after the movie started he came back with Junior Mints. He claimed the line was long… in late January… the line was long. Yea right. About 15 minutes later I started hearing all sorts of grumbling sounds again. At this point I am putting two and two together, and I am figuring that the Mexican food did not agree with Jonathan’s stomach. He leans over to me, and tells me he is going to the bathroom. I guess I kind of forgot about him for a while because the next thing I know 20 minutes had passed, and he hadn’t returned yet. After waiting for 10 more minutes, I decide to go find the guy. I walked down to the bathrooms, and there was no one in the stalls. I walk over to the concession stands, and he isn’t there either. I go back into the movie theatre, and he is still no where in sight. I take out my cell phone, call him, and it goes right to voicemail. Mother fucker must have left me here. What a douche bag! I decided to head home, and forget this stupid night.
A couple weeks later I ran into him at a bar, and told him how rude it was that he just left me there. He explained that he was embarrassed that he had the shits, and I was like… “Hello… shit happens… like literally… shit happens.” We had a good laugh, and kept drinking. Cut to me leaving his apartment at 7 in the morning. Oops.
And that… is one of Nick’s Greatest Moments.
Nick’s Greatest Moments: The Bicycle Incident
Mar 5th
In 2002 I lived in Phoenix with my friend Jimmy, and I worked at Trader Joe’s about 4 miles from our home. I’ve never owned a car, so I would ride my bike to and from work. This specific Trader Joe’s was located in the parking lot of a large mall which I had to ride thru to get home.
One day I was leaving work around 10pm at night, and riding my bike thru the parking lot like I always do. As usual there were a lot of douche bags in cars that would honk at me, as if I was doing something wrong by riding my bike. I’m guessing these Phoenix types aren’t used to seeing people outside, seeing as it is so fucking hot there. As I was about to exit the mall parking lot this black BMW rolled up next me driving very slowly. Next thing I know I hear muffled gun shots… kind of like if someone had a silencer on their gun. I thought to myself, “holy shit… these bitches are trying to shoot me”. I started peddling faster, and they kept shooting. I heard one ricochet off my bike, and another flew by my ear. I decided I need to jump off this bike, and hid behind some bushes. Being Arizona though, they don’t have any damn bushes, all they have is cactus!
Then it happened!
I got hit in the back near my right shoulder. I jumped off my bike, and fell into some rocks. The pain was unbelievable. I reached around to check my wound, and I could feel the blood all over my back. I pulled my hand back in front of me to see the blood, but it wasn’t red. It was pink! These assholes shot me with a paintball gun. I looked up at the car, and I could hear them all laughing. I instantly got pissed. Since I worked for Trader Joe’s I had a box cutter on me, so I pulled it out, exposed the razor blade, and ran for the BMW. Before I could reach it though, it screeched away down the street.
When I got home Jimmy had a good laugh over my experience, and so did the man-whore I caught him with. (That’s right… I said it).
And that… is one of Nick’s Greatest Moments.