Greatest Moments

Nick’s Greatest Moments: The Masturbation Incident

May 22nd

Posted by Nick in Greatest Moments

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At some point in your late teens to early twenties you realize that living on your own, away from your parents, is the best thing for you. No matter how much your parents help you out financially or how cool they are, we all come to the conclusion that we could do without them. When I was 20 years old I had one bad day that made me realize I needed to get out.

I had just finished lunch one day, and I went up to my room to fool around online. I ended up looking at inappropriate pictures of naked men. My favorite. I had just recently came out, so I was still being cautious about doing or saying anything gay in front of my parents. If I even heard anyone coming down the hallway I always closed whatever I was looking at. Unfortunately for me sometimes people are not as loud as I would hope. I had just opened a random picture of a close up of a man’s hairy asshole when my mom walked in the room. Thankfully my first reaction was to turn off the monitor, and act like she scared me (which she actually did). I’m almost positive that she had to have known what I was looking at. It was embarrassing.

Later on that day (around 7pm) after dinner I went to my room, and sat on my couch. My room had a couch, TV and a coffee table, so that I could have friends over and watch TV without having to be around my Dad. Anyways I decided to masturbate. Everyone was still eating dinner and watching Jeopardy downstairs so I knew I had some time to fool around. Well I must have fallen asleep while masturbating because the next thing I knew it was 9pm, and I was sitting on the couch with my dick in my hand still. I totally panicked! What if someone came in and saw me, and then quietly went back out because they were embarrassed for me? I died! I didn’t leave my room the rest of the night. Oh my god… so embarrassing.

It was after this day that I decided I needed to get the hell out of my parent’s house. I needed privacy, and a place to masturbate without getting caught.

And that… is one of Nick’s Greatest Moments.

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Nick’s Greatest Moments: The Chicken Incident

Apr 1st

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About 5 or 6 years ago Jay moved in with Gary Jr. I didn’t really know Gary Jr. at the time, and it was not easy getting to know him since he was forever out drinking with his friends. Sometime in late September/early October Jay went to Southern California for some union bullshit, and Gary Jr. invited me to hang out with him and his other roommate.

I had met Gary Jr. at some weird farmer’s market thing in the Civic Center area, and he was holding a live chicken. He kept making jokes about fattening it up and eating it later on. Now I didn’t know him that well, so I figured anything was possible. It just made the experience of living in San Francisco even stranger. But you know I wasn’t going to ask questions or anything. He wasn’t used to my brutal honesty yet.

We decided to head back to his place and clean up before going out for drinks. I got on the 5-Fulton bus first and then Gary Jr. attempted to as well. The bus driver stopped him:

  • Bus Driver: No live chickens on the bus!
  • Gary Jr.: What? I’m not going to let it loose or anything.
  • Bus Driver: No… No live chickens!

I stood up thinking we were going to have to get off the bus, but then Gary Jr. did something so shocking! He looked down at the chicken, grabbed its neck and broke it… killing the chicken! He then looked back at the driver, and walked passed him and sat down by me. I was in shock, and I was embarrassed… and I kinda felt bad for the chicken.

  • Me: So what are you going to do with it now?
  • Gary Jr.: I’ll eat it. So what, who cares!

And that… is one of Nick’s Greatest Moments.

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Nick’s Greatest Moments: The Dumpster Incident

Feb 22nd

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Back when I lived in Sacramento I worked on the same block as all the gay bars, so you can imagine how many happy hours turned into all night drunken disasters. It also didn’t help that I worked with a bunch of alcoholic pushers. My co-workers and I frequently went to the bars after work (or during work) for drinks and fun. I remember this one night when my co-workers and I had just left the bars after happy hour and went our separate ways while heading home. I got to my car and decided that I could use one more drink. Well one more drink ended up being like 6 more drinks.

Cut to me at the bar still around 1 in the morning, and flirting with all the cute Mexican boys. Somehow I must have found a little Mexican who was just as drunk as me, and we made our way outside to go to his car for some naked fun. While walking down the street he saw some of his friends walking toward us and he grabbed my hand and forced me in between a wall and a dumpster. Apparently he didn’t want to be found. The things a guy will do to get off!

While hiding by the dumpster we couldn’t wait any longer and just started going at it. I got on my knees and did my job, and then he did the same. Afterward I walked him to his car, and said bye. Still don’t know who he was or what his name was. Oh well. Then I started walking to my car. I had to walk by all the gay bars to get to my car, and all the folks out in front of the bars seemed to be having a good time. Lots of laughing, and stuff, but then I realized that they were laughing at me. I looked down at myself and my zipper was down, and my knees were hella dirty and slimy looking. Who knows what was on the ground around that dumpster. I must have looked like a tragic mess! I felt my face get warm with embarrassment, but then I thought “fuck it”. I just looked at those bitches and said… “Girl… sometimes you gotta get down and dirty”, and I just kept walking.

And that… is one of Nick’s Greatest Moments.

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Nick’s Greatest Moments: The Skateboard Incident

Feb 7th

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Back in 1990, when I was in the 6th grade my friend David and I would always play with my brother’s stuff when he was working. I remember one Saturday morning when we took his skateboard, and we would ride it around like it was a sled. We would start at the top of the drive way, and then roll down to the sidewalk to see who could go farther just by the momentum we gained going downhill.

Later on that day we started laying face down on the skateboard, and we would pretend we were superman. Unfortunately we were not going very far when lying down, and we wanted to go faster. That’s when I got an idea! I told David to go get his bike because I wanted to try something. David had pegs on his bike… Pegs are these little metal rods you screw on to the bolts of the rear tire of your bike that would allow another person to stand on your bike while you pedaled. They were really cool, and I don’t really see people using them anymore. Anyways I had the idea that if I lay down on the skateboard, stomach down, and held on to the pegs of David’s bike he could pull me down the street. Eventually when he was going fast enough I could let go and fly like superman down the street. I’m such a genius right?

There was one problem with my plan though… the back tire on the bike. Since I was holding on to the pegs of the back bike tire, my face was like right up on the back tire. I had to really focus on not letting the back tire of the bike rub my face off.

So we headed down the street, and I was being very careful not to let the back tire rub against my face. Maybe I was concentrating on that a little too much because the next thing I know my right thumb gets caught between in the back gear of the bike and the chain. My thumb goes almost completely around the gear before part of it rips off and I go flying off my skateboard into some bushes. I got up, and saw all the blood pouring out of my thumb, and I go running as fast as I can back to my house leaving a trail of blood on the sidewalk.

My mom ended up taking me to one of those urgent care places which was down the street from our house. Once the doctor cleaned up the wound I could see part of my thumb bone, and I passed out. Since we couldn’t find the piece of meat that ripped off my thumb, we just had to wait for the skin to grow over the area. It was a long painful couple of months waiting for it to completely heal.  Now one thumb is slightly flat on top and smaller than the other.  Boo!

In the end I still think it was a good idea… I just wish I would have thought about the gears of the bike, but hey… at least I didn’t rub off my face with the back tire right?

And that… is one of Nick’s Greatest Moments.

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Nick’s Greatest Moments: The False Teeth Incident

Jan 19th

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I used to borrow my parents car all the time back in the day because I never had enough money to get my own. My parents didn’t really want me to leave the greater Sacramento area with the car though. I guess they thought that anything outside of Sacramento was more dangerous of something… who knows. Obviously that didn’t stop me from going anywhere I wanted. I went to Tahoe, Santa Cruz, Napa, and of course San Francisco all the time.

One particular day my friend Vanessa and I decided we wanted to go to San Francisco to go shopping on Haight Street, and to get lunch. By the way… this was before I realized how much I hated Haight Street. Anyways, it took us about 90 minutes to get there, and after about another 15 minutes we finally found parking next to the panhandle. We got about a block away from where we parked when my mom called.

  • Me: Hello
  • Mom: Nick?… it’s your mom.

She always informs that it is her on the phone even though I obviously recognized the phone number.

  • Me: Hey… what’s up?
  • Mom: Can you come back home. Your dad left his false teeth in the glove box, and he can’t eat his lunch without them.

What!? First of all… who leaves their false teeth in a car? Secondly, I’m gonna have to lie my ass off… if she knew I was in San Francisco I wouldn’t be able to use the car for a while.

  • Me: Um yea… but I’m in Roseville (which is like 25 minutes from where I lived), and we were just walking in to eat… so does he need them like now or can I eat first?
  • Mom: Oh. It’s ok. Stay and eat.
  • Me: Ok… well I can be back home in like an hour.
  • Mom: Ok.. see you soon.

Fucking hell! I explained the situation to Vanessa, and we headed back to the car and started driving back to Sacramento. It took us like 80 minutes to get back, but we successfully delivered the false teeth to my dad.

Talk about ruining the day. Nope not for us… we got back in the car, and headed right back to San Francisco for shopping and dinner! I kinda miss days like that.

And that… is one of Nick’s Greatest Moments.

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Nick’s Greatest Moments: The One-Night Stand Incident

Jan 7th

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In early 2001, shortly after my ex-boyfriend Gabe left me, I did a lot of drinking at the bars. Surprisingly I wasn’t much of a whore considering how often I was wasted, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t make the mistake of bringing someone back to my house sometimes. For example this guy named Tomas. He was cute and Mexican, so hello… why wouldn’t I want it?

We got back to my place and jumped on the bed to make out. After a good 5 minutes of that we finally got around to taking each others clothes off. While I was pulling down his pants I noticed that his legs had lots of scabs on them.

  • Me: What happened?
  • Tomas: Oh it’s nothing… I have skin cancer.
  • Me: What!!?
  • Tomas: I lay out in the sun a lot. It’s nothing you need to be concerned with.

So we continued to fool around although I tried my best not to touch his legs because it was secretly freaking me out. After a few more minutes he started sniffing a lot like he had a cold. He finally asked me if I had any tissue, and I gave him some. We tried to continue what we were doing (which was only foreplay still), and he kept sniffing, so we’d have to stop so he could blow his nose again.

  • Me: What are you sick?
  • Tomas: No your house must be dusty because my allergies are kicking in
  • Me: My house is not dusty
  • Tomas: Sorry bitch, but it is. It’s the only thing I am allergic too.
  • Me: Well you must be allergic to something else because I just cleaned earlier today.
  • Tomas: Like what? Your dirty bed.
  • Me: Haha well it wasn’t dirty until your nasty legs got in it.

And just then it happened! He sneezed right in my face. I felt all the wet air blowing right on my face. Now I don’t know if he did it on purpose or not, but at the time I was convinced he had done it on purpose.

I threw him off my bed, grabbed his pants and threw them at his face, and told him:

  • Me: Get the fuck out of my house! Coming in here talking about my house is dirty… when you’ve got those fucked up looking cancer ridden legs… small ass dick… who the fuck do you think you are?

This bitch threw his clothes on and ran out of my house fast as if the place was burning down. I mean I did get kind of crazy on him, but this time I think it was deserved. I guess the odd thing to come out of this was that we kind of became friends for a while… really caddy bitchy friends, but that’s the way I like it.

And that… is one of Nick’s Greatest Moments.

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Nick’s Greatest Moments: The Urine Incident

Dec 23rd

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In 2001 my friends and I decided to check out the gay bar scene in Fresno… I know I know… why the hell would we ever want to go to Fresno? But hello… hella hot latinos!

I had got a late start driving out there from Sacramento, so I was trying to make the trip as fast as possible. Unfortunately Highway 99 is one of those highways that are just impossible to go fast on… with all the fucking big rigs, and it’s two lanes… freakin ridiculous.

Between Merced and Madera I really had to pee badly, but I didn’t want to pull over because I was already running late. Knowing the friends that I had at the time they would totally just leave and drink without me if I were late. Since I didn’t know Fresno at all this would not be good. At that point I had noticed the bottle of water I was drinking, and it hit me! I could just dump the rest of the water out the window, and piss in the bottle. Hello! People do this all the time, and it is one of the many benefits of having a penis. So I did just that… I rolled the window down and dumped the water out… I pulled my dick out of my pants… stuck the head of it in the bottle, and tried to piss.

It worked!

I started pissing right into the bottle… ahh the relief! Unfortunately I was peeing so much the little bottle, which was mostly on its side, couldn’t handle it all and it started spilling back onto my pants and underwear. I panicked! I forced myself to stop peeing, and as I pulled the bottle up I splashed more on me. Ugh. I finally just pulled the car over, and pissed on the side of the road. I was a wet mess!

When I got to Fresno I went right to the Hotel, which I had booked a room at. (Because hello you don’t go drinking in Fresno and then drive back to Sacramento in the same night.) I ran upstairs to my room, and stripped my clothes off, but now there was a new problem. The clothes I brought to drive home in were not as cute as the outfit I had on. What to do huh? Well I didn’t need underwear, but I did need my pants. So I came up with this idea to iron my pants dry, and then wear a lot of cologne to mask the urine smell. Oh and let me tell you… ironing pissed soaked pants does not smell good!

I finally get all ready, and I am only 15 minutes late meeting my friends in the lobby of the hotel. I head down to the lobby and they were nowhere to be found. The front desk clerk told me there was a group of guys waiting for a while, but they had just left.

Yup… after all of that they left me. Remember most people didn’t have cell phones then… so I couldn’t call them or anything. I ended up sitting in my hotel room watching TV the rest of the night. Blah!

And that… is one of Nick’s Greatest Moments.

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Nick’s Greatest Moments: The Father Incident

Dec 8th

Posted by Nick in Greatest Moments

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Shortly after my family moved from Santa Maria to Sacramento my dad asked me to mow the grass. It was like 101 outside and I was not about to have any of it. Plus I was still mad at my dad for getting a job in Sacramento, and forcing me to leave all my friends and finish my senior year of high school in another city.  (Seriously… all you parents out there… do not move your kids to new schools, it is just cruel.)

  • Me: It’s too hot outside to mow the grass
  • Dad: I’m not asking you… I’m telling you
  • Me: No!… it’s too HOT outside.
  • Dad: HEY! You’ll do what I tell you.
  • Me: Really? You’re going to force me to do it? I’d like to see you try.
  • Dad: You’re fucking worthless!
  • Me: I hate you.

My dad then opened the front door and slammed it closed, which alerted my mom from the other room.

  • Mom: Hey! What’s going on? You’ll knock my plates off the walls.
  • Me: Dad is being an asshole
  • Mom: Stop that!
  • Me: You can’t ignore me my whole life and then suddenly because you have a heart attack become my parent again!

<Back story: My dad had a heart attack 2 years prior. This happened right after the company he worked for went under which is why he had to find a new job.>

What I hadn’t realized was my dad heard my last comment to my mom.

  • Dad: Follow my rules or you can get the fuck out.
  • Me: Fine… I will leave. I’d rather be anywhere than with you. I wish you had died when you had that heart attack!
  • Mom: Nick! Apologize.
  • Me: No!

I walked over to my room and slammed the door. I turned on some Smashing Pumpkins and blasted it. My dad and I really didn’t talk for a long time after that. I never apologized either because I don’t feel I need to. He seriously didn’t do shit until after his heart attack and by that time it was too late. He missed his chance, and although I am glad now that he didn’t die, it’s not like he ever apologized to me for being absent or calling me worthless. So whatever!

And that… is one of Nick’s Greatest Moments.

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Nick’s Greatest Moments: The Target Incident

Dec 2nd

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So I was at Target last night picking up some supplies to wrap gifts for under my Christmas tree when I may have almost got myself into a sticky situation with some nasty white trash.

I was in line behind these two over weight fugly looking white trash ladies who were looking to purchase the new Nicki Minaj CD, and when the cashier scanned it the price read as $15.99 (which I have to admit is a little high for a brand new CD at Target… but whatever). The older fuglier white trash lady yells…

  • Fuglier White Trash Lady: What?!?

She then begins to rummage thru her purse, pulls out a sign, shows it to the cashier and says…

  • Fuglier White Trash Lady: This was price that was displayed with it.

Sure enough this bitch pulled out some target signage that she obviously stole and put in her purse that said in big bold print $9.99. The cashier looked at it, and was like…

  • Cashier: This is for a different CD… the one you are purchasing cost $15.99
  • Fugly White Trash Lady: That’s false advertisement!
  • Fuglier White Trash Lady: That ain’t right at all!

At this point I am disgusted, so I turn around and look at the Asian lady behind me and we both shake our heads in disbelief. I then let out a big sigh, and the fugly white trash lady turns and looks right at me.

  • Fugly White Trash Lady: What!?!
  • Me: Nothing…

I turned and looked back at the Asian lady again, and say under my breath

  • Me: So trashy

The Asian lady and I snicker a little, and again the fugly white trash lady turns and looks at me.

  • Fugly White Trash Lady: You think this is funny?
  • Me: Yea… I do

Her eyes got all big, and she was just about to say something when a manager came over to take them aside to talk to them about the situation. I walk up to the cashier, and while he is scanning my stuff he looks up at me and says…

  • Cashier: It is trashy

The 3 of us have a good little laugh, and I head toward the doors. As I am leaving I can hear the manager telling the two trashy chunk monsters…

  • Manager: The best I can do is give you 10 percent off
  • Fuglier White Trash Lady: Well I guess that will do.

Hell no. If I was working at Target this shit would not go down. These two bitches knew exactly what they were doing… I mean why else would you take the signage with you to the register. So tacky. I hate people.

And that… is one of Nick’s Greatest Moments.

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Nick’s Greatest Moments: The Rude Bitch Incident

Nov 21st

Posted by Nick in Greatest Moments

3 comments

Back when I lived in Phoenix Arizona, I had worked at a Trader Joe’s. They typically put me in the express lane because I was super fast at checking people out. I’m totally awesome that way! Like most Trader Joe’s around the country this one was impossibly busy right after most people got off work (around 6pm).

This one day I remember I was at the express lane, and all the lines (including mine) where really long. This woman walks right up to the register I was at and puts down here hand cart, and says…

  • Rude Bitch: Hi, I’m in a hurry, so I need to check out right away.
  • Me: Well you should have thought about that before shopping at this time of night.

I pick up her hand cart and give it back to her with a smile.

  • Rude Bitch: *gasp*… To hell with you!

She said as she set down her hand cart on the floor.

  • Me: Have a nice day!  *smile*

She stormed out of the store and the couple people who were next in line clapped and laughed.

I don’t know who this bitch thought she was but there is no one who is going to skip in front of my line. You better plan better next time…. Okay!

And that… is one of Nick’s Greatest Moments.

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Nick’s Greatest Moments: The Faces Incident

Oct 26th

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In 1998, when I turned 21, I had just come out of the closet, and I didn’t have any gay friends. Hell… I didn’t even know anyone who was gay at this point, but I really wanted too. I had this stupid idea in my head that if I went to a gay bar it would be just like the TV show Cheers… they would all try to get to know me, I would make a bunch of friends, and a cute young Woody Harrelson type of guy would be serving drinks. That wasn’t exactly how it all went down.

I decided to go to Faces (a popular gay club in Sacramento) on Sunday around 6pm because I thought that it wouldn’t be too busy. I was so nervous about going that I couldn’t bring myself to park at first, so I just drove around the neighborhood for a while. I was so scared to park next to the club, so I parked four blocks away and walked.

As I slowly walked into the bar I saw about 14 people or so having drinks, and talking with their friends. I was happy to see a couple people sitting by themselves at the bar, because I was really afraid I was going to be the only person drinking alone. Just as I noticed that there wasn’t a bartender, I heard a loud sassy voice that kind of sounded like Roseanne Barr… “I’m going to need to see your ID honey”. I turned around, and saw this huge drag queen hovering over me. She seriously looked like John Goodman in a dress, but sounded like Roseanne… her name was Large Marge.  So much for my Cheers idea.

I sat down at the bar, and Marge asked me what I wanted to drink. I had never ordered booze at a bar before, so I had no idea what to do.

  • Me: Um… I don’t know. Something that tastes good.
  • Marge: Like a Sex on the Beach?
  • Me: Yea… sure.
  • Marge: OK… I have the perfect drink for you… it’s like a Sex on the Beach but stronger.

She mixes the drink up, pours it into a tall glass, and sets it in front of me. I took a sip, and it was good!

  • Me: What is it?
  • Marge: Well you know what happens when you have sex on the beach??… you get Sand in your Ass! Hahahaha

I didn’t know who this drag queen was, or what her deal was… but at that moment I loved her!

I was almost finished with my drink after about 20 minutes of sitting there by myself when Marge wanders over to me, and sets a new drink in front of me.

  • Marge: The gentleman behind you in the blue shirt bought this for you.

I suddenly got really scared… I mean… how many times in movies and on TV does some guy buy a girl a drink, walks over to her, hits on her, she giggles, and the next thing you know they are back at his place fucking!

  • Me: Ohh… I don’t want another drink.
  • Marge: It’s already paid for… drink it.
  • Me: But if I accept it then he’ll come over and try to talk to me.
  • Marge: It’s ok honey… I know him, and he’s a good guy.
  • Me: No… I’m sorry I can’t.

I got up, and walked out of Faces as fast as I could. I didn’t go back for a couple of months until another co-worker of mine came out, and wanted to go together. Soon after that though I became a regular, and ordered many, many Sand in your Ass drinks.

Looking back on it now… how cute was it that some guy bought me a drink!  Gay guys don’t do this enough, and I think they should… I mean…. It’s a lot better than walking up and saying… “You’re hot.”   Wow thanks.

And that… is one of Nick’s Greatest Moments.

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Nick’s Greatest Moments: The Coming Out Incident

Oct 6th

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For most of my 20th year in life I was in the closet still. I had told myself that there was no way I was still going to be in the closet when I turned 21, so all year long I was trying to find the right time. Months and months went by and I still had not found the right time, or I was just too nervous about it. Finally a day came when I had the perfect opportunity to come out.

My friend Ashley and I were at a co-worker’s party when suddenly she got really upset, and wanted to leave immediately. I asked her what was wrong, but she just got all bitchy and wouldn’t tell me. Since I had picked her up to come to the party, I was stuck taking her ass home.

On the car ride home she totally broke down and started crying. She was still refusing to tell me what was going on, as it was “personal” she claimed. I tried to make a joke about her being on the rag, but as you can imagine that did not go down well. She went on a rant about how there are things that you can’t talk to friends about because you are afraid of how they will react or what they will think of you. I told her that I understood that, and that I to had things I didn’t talk about with friends.

I parked in front of her house, and we kind of just sat in the car not really talking for a while. Finally I told her that I wanted to tell her stuff, but I was to chicken shit to say it. She said she felt the same way, but if I told her something she would tell me why she was crying. This immediately made me feel like she was playing that old trick where you say “I’ll show you mine, if you show me yours” and then you do it, and they don’t. Hell no. But I thought about it a while, and decided that this is really the moment I was waiting for, and even if she didn’t tell me her secret at least I would finally get mine off my chest.

So I told her I was gay, and her reaction was…

  • Ashley: Finally… We have all been waiting for you to come out.
  • Me: Who is “we”
  • Ashley: Everyone… all your friends and co-workers
  • Me: Eww you talk about me behind my back?
  • Ashley: And you don’t?
  • Me: Oh…

Secretly that made me feel a lot better, and instantly I felt stupid for even being scared about coming out in the first place. Then she started to tell me her secret. She told me that someone at the party we were at mentioned this boy’s name, and that was the boy who used to live across the street from her. She told me that he molested her when she was young… I was shocked to hear such a thing. She went on to say that it wasn’t just once, and it wasn’t twice… it was constant over a couple years time. He would come over to her house to “play”, and he would eventually get her into bushes outside or the garage, and hold her down and molest her.

Um… Stunned!

First I thought… Oh hell no! She did not just trump my coming out story. I had already felt stupid that I waited this long to come out, but now she is gonna take my moment away by telling me something so awful.

Then I thought… Oh shit! How the fuck was I supposed to react to this? What the hell do you say? How can I get this bitch out of my car and away from this uncomfortable conversation?

Yes I am awful. I admit that.

But like the good friend I am, I stayed there for like the next 2 hours talking it out, and I think by the time we were done we both felt a lot better. It certainly made us better friends in the long run… Well until the Mental Hospital Incident.

And that… is one of Nick’s Greatest Moments.

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