Lady Sings Americano

The first cassette I ever purchased with my own allowance money was something FABULOUS! The year: 1989. (Even though the album came out in September 1988, it wasn’t very popular until the next year). The album: Hangin’ Tough by New Kids on the Block.

I remember being so in love with Jordan Knight. This girl in my glass named Allison Geyer (I think) had a whole binder of just photos of him from Tiger Beat and other kid magazines. And we used to sit under one of the trees and look at her folder and sing NKOTB songs. I still tear up when I hear “I’ll Be Loving You (Forever)”. And thus Sweetums was born.

Sweetums and her friend MatthhhhhhHHHHHEWW! decided to have a drink at Club 21 and it happened to be karaoke night. Seriously, we walked into this huge ass warehouse bar. And it’s me, MatthhhhhhHHHHHEWW!, the bartender, the DJ and 3 little Latinos singing their hearts out to a million Los Tucanes de Tijuana songs and hella Rancheras. It was actually kinda crazy because eventually the bar filled up to a good 50 people or so and we were the only two white guys there. Only one song was sung in English the whole night. And that was Neil Diamond’s classic “Forever in Blue Jeans” by MatthhhhhhHHHHHEWW!.

Eventually the 3 little hotass Latinos invited us over to their table and we made friends. They sang a song together, Enrique’s Experiencia Religiosa. Of course, I mumbled along because I kinda knew the song and the words were up on the monitor anyway. At that very moment, a Sweetums chill went down my spine and Sweetums’ spirit took over my body…and I knew I had to perform the next song.

Sure enough, I grabbed the mic and belted out Selena’s Como La Flor to a live Latino audience. As soon as the fat whitey stood up and sang the first line, the entire bar erupted. AYs! OLEs! RRRRRRRRs! Whistles! Hoots! OYEs! An immediate fan base. Sweetums killed it and Selena rolled over in her grave. Rest in Peace, Sweet Selena.

Lady Sings and Wants To Know If She’s Scaring You Tonight

Lady Sings for Santa Baby

Lady Sings the Carols

But you should certainly never leave a message to record for all posterity your messiness. Lady sings the Mess.

Madness will certainly ensue. Lady sings the madness.

On the ride home, Benutty requested we play the soundtrack to the Rocky Horror Picture Show.

Never let Benutty request a Rocky Horror Sing-a-Long while Gary Jr. recovers from camping fatigue. Madness (some might even call it genius) ensues.

Lady Sings the Opening

I’m so sorry that I’ve been silent for so long. You see, I went to the Russian River Valley for a weeklong spa vacay with Misha. It was so much fun. We drank too much wine and made way too many babies. Anyhoo, after that we headed right into the studio. I guess I forgot to tell you all that back in October Kylie’s people (Steve Anderson, thanks Stevie) caught wind of my Sweetums series. They were in Oakland for her first concert in the States and checking out the local talent. A boa and a Divine tribute later, Kylie was eating out of my well-manicured hand. Or…I was eating out of hers. She loved Sweetums and immediately offered me a recording contract on the Bubbles Devere label. Yyyyes. Hunnies is now famous.

The world premiere of my music video was awesome. Kylie showed up. Gaga was there. Oprah introduced me to my adoring fans. I wasn’t given enough tickets to invite the hunnies. Oopsies. So I sent my film crew to the Haus of Hunnies to record them on premiere night. Enjoy!

Then all hell breaks loose on Pride Rock.

Lady Sings in Circles

Toodles,
Gary Jr.

Never let Nick, Benutty and Gary Jr. have the keys to your music studio. And never give them 5 bottles of champes to share between the three. They will get a cravin’ for meatloaf.

Ladies Sing the Meatloaf (for Haiti)

Enjoy!

Next week iTunes will be releasing the coveted outtakes from the studio session with the Hunnies. But you will hear it here first ladies and gentlemen and farm animals.

Ladies Who Lunch on Meatloaf and then Gag and Choke then Die like Momma Cass