Next stop… Horror!
So What! Who Cares?!?
So What! Who Cares?!?
Jun 23rd
So I noticed a lump on the nape of my neck two days ago. I thought it was a mole or something but then it grew and got bigger and bigger. And then it started to hurt. I was hella freaking out. I had Misha check it out. He had no idea what it was and didn’t offer any help. Finally I set up a series of mirrors and investigated myself. There was a tiny black dot near the lump. I got tweezers out…and I tugged at the tiny black dot. Immediately, I pulled out roughly six inches of hair out of my fucking skin! No joke. There were like three ingrown very fine hairs in the lump.
The lump is still there. So I’m hoping it starts going down soon. Yuck.
So what! Who cares?!? Oh wait. I care. BARF.
So What! Who Cares?!?
Jun 7th
So Misha and I went to the beach this weekend. Alameda has a really cute little strip of beach. And there were tons of kids and families playing. Anyway, I stripped down to my cutie little panties. And did a little sunbathing. My milky whiteness almost instantly burned. And you know how fat I am and sensitive so I was pretty nervous to be so exposed on the beach.
Anyway, this family walks by us and I hear this little kid start laughing and then I heard him saying, “Oh my god. Look at that. Hahahaha.” Then I hear Misha call him a little bastard. So I roll over and see this huge Samoan family and a fat little Samoan kid pointing and laughing at me.
I take off my sunglasses and look right at the fat little mess before me. And I yell out, “Take it all in, fatty. You’re looking into your future, chub boy!” That shut him up.
So What! Who cares?!?
So What! Who Cares?!?
Mar 31st
Scroll to :43. Or watch the whole thing, it’s only a minute long. So what! Who cares?!?
So What! Who Cares?!?
Mar 31st
I had a lot of leftovers from my St. Patty’s dinner. So I ate corned beef and cabbage for two days straight. On Day Three, I woke up gasping. Somehow my blankets enveloped me in some type of gas chamber bubble. Once I shifted, the bubble popped and gas permeated the whole house. I had to open all the windows in the whole house for fear of methane poisoning. This is Misha’s lot in life.
So what! Who cares?!?
So What! Who Cares?
Mar 12th
Nick and/or Gary Jr. may have had a stroke. But I’m not telling you who. So cares! Who what?
May is Strokes Awareness Month.
- STOP strokes
- Strokes are sudden. Notice changes in the person that just occurred suddenly.
- Risks include SMOKING, being TIPSY, OBESITY, PHYSICAL INACTIVITY, being a cow or a pig, or having it in the family.
- Act FAST
- Face, Face, Face. I give face, Nick. (Ask the person to smile. Does one side droop? Sorry, Nick. You had a stroke.)
- Arms. A Call to Arms!, Benutty (Ask the person to raise both arms. Does one drift downward? Sorry Benutty, you couldn’t raise your arms above your troll belly. Sorry, Benutty. You had a stroke.)
- Speech. State of the State, Jay (Ask the person to repeat a simple sentence. Are the words slurred or incorrect? Sorry Jay. You haven’t made sense since ‘82. Meh Meor Ahhe Labor Law. Sorry Jay. You had a stroke.)
- Time. Hey Baby got the time?, Alfie (Don’t waste time, bitches. Jump into my bed, Alfie. Oh and call 911 cuz you’re about to have a stroke…several strokes…with my free hand…Sorry Kitty).
So What! Who Cares?!?
Mar 9th
I had a zit on the inside of my nose once. It was painful. Like a deep pain. I could see a whitehead forming inside my nostril but I just couldn’t get to it. So I figured it would eventually go away. And it did. Then a few days later, a new zit appeared. This time on the outside of my nostril but in the same place as the inside zit. I was pissed. It hurt and grew. Finally, I couldn’t take it anymore and popped it. No sooner had I popped it and a single strand of hair came out of it, root first.
Yes, that’s right, folks & trolls. I had an ingrown nose hair come out backwards through the outside of my nostril. So what! Who cares?!?
So What! Who Cares?!?
Mar 4th
So that night that Nick, Benutty, Misha and I all went to see The White Ribbon there was this crazy sneezer in the theatre. In a very dramatic silent scene, he barreled out a sneeze (almost certainly accompanied with snot-spit). Certainly, no one was bothered by this. Sneezing happens. Whatever. And sometimes in theatres. Meh. But then the sneezer loudly proclaimed to everyone in the theatre, “I AM SO TERRIBLY SORRY. PARDON ME PLEASE.” There, he drew the line. You could hear a pin drop before the sneeze and then he shattered everyone’s thought and concentration during a pivotal scene.
He was in the row behind me and startled me nearly to death. I shit-peed myself. I was pissed but I didn’t bother to turn around and sneer. But you know Misha did. He got a good look at the sneezer. After the film ended, the four of us gathered outside to figure out what we were going to do and to talk about the movie. You know I immediately had to bring up the sneezer. “And what kind of bitch-moron screams out ‘PARDON ME. OH. MY. GOD. I JUST SNEEZED EVERYWHERE. FORGIVE ME. MY BAD OOPS. AAAAAAH! SNEEZE. LOOK AT ME! I SNEEZED EVERYONE!’”
Misha looks at me and says “The kind of moron that ends up standing next to you after the movie ends and hears everything you just said.” I turn around and there’s the sneezer, sneering at me. “Hi.”
So what! Who cares?!? Shut up! Don’t get it twisted!
So What! Who Cares?!?
Feb 23rd
A few weeks ago I applied for a job and played phone tag with the recruiter. She left me a message saying that they would like to interview me and she confirmed a date. So I called her back and got her voicemail. This was the voice message I left for her:
“Hi. This is Gary Jr. returning your phone call regarding the available position. I am absolutely available to meet with you on Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. I’m excited to meet you and further discuss my qualifications. If you have any questions or issues, feel free to call me back. Otherwise, I will see you on Wednesday. Thanks, Gary.”
That’s right. I finished my voice message to a recruiter with a complimentary close! Best wishes! Yours truly! Kind regards! Sincerely, the guy you aren’t going to hire.
Needless to say, I didn’t get the job. So what! Who cares?!?
So What! Who Cares?!?
Feb 9th
Last night I was relaxing on the couch with Misha. We were cuddling and he reached around to give my tush a little squeeze…and he starts laughing and laughing. I feel his finger playing with something and then he asks me, “Why do you have a quarter stuck to your buttcheek?”
Frankly, I don’t know the answer to that question. So what! Who cares?!?
So What! Who Cares?!?
Feb 5th
One time I only ate canned tuna with crackers and mayo every day for a month. I was trying to save money in college. To spice things up, I’d get Top Ramen too. What! Tasty! So when my gums started hurting, I went to the doctor and told him about my recent money-saving diet.
He examined me. Frowned. Handed me an orange and told me to leave.
I gave myself scurvy. So what! Who cares?!? I had a mimosa or nine and I was fine. So what! What cares?!?
(That one’s for you, Cousin Mark)
So What! Who Cares?!?
Jan 27th
I went to the nicest, fanciest Indian restaurant in San Francisco with my good friend Jugs. And we dressed up. In drag. In Indian drag. Sarees. Bindis. Drag.
We arrived and no one knew what to do with us! We ate our korma tucked in the corner next to the john. So what! Who cares?!?
So What! Who Cares?!?
Jan 20th
So my boyfriend Misha says to me at lunchtime yesterday, “Gosh, baby. Human bodies are so inefficient at processing food. Haven’t you ever wondered why we have to eat three meals a day? Wouldn’t it be better if it were just one meal a day?”
Firstly, hells no! And nope. Never wondered that. Secondly, I was already on Meal #4. So what! Who cares?!?
So What! Who Cares?!?
Jan 15th
When I was a young lad, I was playing on the living room shag carpet near the couch. And I spotted a little beef jerky under the couch that I must have dropped several days earlier when my Mom bought it.
I snatched it up and greedily chewed. It was a dog treat.
So what! Who cares?!?
So What! Who Cares?!?
Jan 12th
A few years ago my lips swelled up and I went to the ER. The gay nurse man looked at me and said “Honey! What gave you those Amanda Lepore lips?” And I said, “I’ve been eating nothing but Vlasic pickles for the last two days!”
So what! Who cares?!?
So What! Who Cares?!?
Jan 10th
Misha and I went out last night for drinks and nibblies. When we ran out of bread for the artichoke-spinach dip, I used the butter knife.
So what! Who cares?!?