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Posts by Gary Jr.
Memories of My Dad
May 21st
Here’s a fun memory I have of my Dad from when I was little:
Me, sitting in my bedroom in the back of the house. My Dad, sitting in the living room in his recliner watching TV in the front of the house.
Dad: “GARY! GARY! Come here.” (yelling from the living room)
Me: “WHY?” (yelling from the bedroom)
Dad: “Come here! Don’t question me.”
Me: “Fine!” And I walk into the living room.
Dad: “Could you change the channel to 7?”
Me: “UGH! DAD!”
Dad: “Channel 7.”
And I rotate the rotary dial on the TV from 4 to 7.
My First Cassette Tape
May 21st
Nick and I were talking the other day about our fondest childhood memories. We also brought up the first cassettes we owned.
The first cassette I ever purchased with my own allowance money was something FABULOUS! The year: 1989. (Even though the album came out in September 1988, it wasn’t very popular until the next year). The album: Hangin’ Tough by New Kids on the Block.
I remember being so in love with Jordan Knight. This girl in my glass named Allison Geyer (I think) had a whole binder of just photos of him from Tiger Beat and other kid magazines. And we used to sit under one of the trees and look at her folder and sing NKOTB songs. I still tear up when I hear “I’ll Be Loving You (Forever)”. And thus Sweetums was born.
Hand Dryers in the Bathroom
May 20th
Every time I dry my hands in one of those air blow dryers in the bathroom, I’m always reminded of skydiving. Why?
Well, my hands ripple like a million little waves as I stick my hand under the airflow. If my hands ripple like that, imagine my face when I jump out of an airplane. Like a shar pei in front of a fan. A human parachute face.
May 21, 2011: Rapture
May 19th
Why exactly has there been so much hubbub about this Rapture nonsense? Does it seem strange to you that it’s made the news over and over? Very strange. Must be a slow news month or something. Shouldn’t we be more worried about this second-in-command douche who just took over Al Qaeda. Bla!
Anyway Harold Camping, the minister who has announced the Rapture would come on May 21 of this year, is certain that an earthquake first will swallow up New Zealand at 6pm on Saturday. This will trigger the end of time…so prepare yourselves, bitches! Pretty crazy. The believers, both alive and dead, will rise up to the right hand of the Son.
I’m always so confused by ministers who predict the end times. Usually they come from these crazy fundamentalists who preach that the Bible is the inspired word of God and that it is infallible. They preach that the only interpretation of the Bible is the literal interpretation. For example, it took a literal 6 Earth days to create the World and for a full Earth day God rested. I’m pretty sure that there is a verse in the Bible that reads something like ”No man knows the day or the hour [of the Second Coming of Christ]. Not the angels. Not the Son. Only the Father.” I believe Jesus himself said that in the book of Matthew. Oh snap. The drag queen is pulling out her Christian fundie-roots.
So what gives, Mr. Preacher? If no one knows, not even the Son of God, who the hell do you think you are? So full of contradictions. How does anyone know what to believe? The only thing you all can believe in is this: if the rapture comes on May 21, it’s really going to put a damper on my birthday party.
Crap, Gaga. I Hate Edits.
May 19th
Now I’m liking Bad Kids more and more.
Oh Gaga. You’ve grown on me. Already my review is morphing into something different. Mighty Morphing Monster Review. Buttfuck it, I’m not editing my review.
I Am Your Grandma
May 18th
I seriously cannot get this song or video out of my head. This woman is awesome.
One day I’m gonna have a baby. And you will call her mom. That baby will have a baby and you will have this song. To know that, I am your grandma. I am your grandma.
So this is a gift I give to you like I already said. That there was a time I was aware that one day I’d be dead. I wish we could have met. I would have hugged you so. But you are in the future. You get love by video.
Enjoy.
Gary Jr. Reviews “Born This Way”
May 18th
So I’m not doing anything today and Nicklet gave me a little listen to Lady Gaga’s new album called “Born This Way.” So I hit play and opened up my notepad. I jotted down my initial impressions of each song. What do you bitches think? I think the album starts out plainly enough and then hits you hard one after the other. Frankly, I wasn’t expecting much since Gaga was hyping up the album but honestly I think it’s pretty great overall. I think my least favorite songs are Black Jesus – Amen Fashion and Bad Kids. Frankly, there are a number of songs on here that I’m loving already which is rare (because I usually need to warm up to songs): Fashion of His Love, The Queen, Bloody Mary, Hair, Schiße, Edge of Glory, and Americano. They all are hits in my book!
Marry The Night: B+ I’m walking down the aisle to this song in drag. I’m a warrior queen. Oh shit. 40 seconds in and she’s breaking it down. Muh-Muh-Muh-Marry the night! Overall, I think it’s a perfectly fine way to open the album but I’m hoping for something more.
Born This Way: B- I think I’ve heard this song before. Haha. “Putting paws up” drives me fucking bonkers. Seriously, Gaga? Enough with the monster claw. Clever marketer, baby girl. But I do like the story she’s telling about the lessons our mommas teach us about loving who you are. So for life lessons, this song gets a higher score than it should.
Government Hooker: B+ Oh god. Operatic Gaga? Is this real life? Is this really happening? Haha. Ooh I do love that weird beat and oh fun. I like it more. I can be good if you just want to be bad? Sure. OH SHIT. Love the man speaking while she sings. “That girl better turn around.” I think she’s not killing it vocally like she could but I love the way it sounds. I especially like the way the government man is speak-singing. Oooh. A JFK reference. Love it. Also, tears are salty. They make for poor drinking. I don’t really like how she sings Hooooooooker. But otherwise, I’m down.
Judas: B+ Another Gaga sung in the opening 10 seconds. Ugh. But this huhns likes the beat. I love the breakdown at about 3 minutes into the song. So sacrilege. Judas is the demon I cling to. Snapperellas!
Americano: A- The girl she met in East LA was Shalita Double-Double. No joke. Gaga wrote this song specifically for Shalita Double-Double. Lalalalalalalalalalala is meant to be sung by someone with a tongue like Shalita Double-Double. This is one of the best songs so far. But I have to hear the rest of the album still! Eee. Now I’m getting excited about the rest of the album. From here, what’s next?!?
Hair: A Good Lord: A saxophone opening. Love it. These lyrics are dumb but HOLY CRAP. She busts this song out!! I’m sorry another GREAT song. Although “I am my hair” is a mess. But I’ll dance my drunk ass off to this song any day.
Schiße: A Oh shit. Literally…doesn’t that mean shit in German. I love the opening line and the crazy scream thing. Another amazing song. I want this song to be featured during a horror movie’s vampire fight scene which takes place in a club in the Meatpacking District in New York. I don’t speak German either, girl, but you’re speaking my language.
Bloody Mary: A+What an interesting opening. How religious and holy. What is this girl trying to tell me? But the scary frog voice in the background scurrs me. Eee. Oh damn. These lyrics are awesome. This is a GREAT song. What do you think she is trying to represent with the voice thing? That she’s fighting back the demons within and they are trying to come out? Super thought-provoking. Can’t wait to see a video for this song! And this Gregorian chanting of Gaga is so much more meaningful and not just a marketing ploy like it seems in Judas and Government Hooker. But maybe she’s trying to show some sort of progression or internal development. Weird. I’m over-thinking this one. Next!
Black Jesus – Amen Fashion: C Who doesn’t love a black Jesus? Jesus is the new black? Hmm. Continue please. I don’t know about this song. It took a while to get started. And then she tells her history through song….but then pulls it back to Black Jesus on a runway? Huh. What am I missing here? I could take or leave this song.
Bad Kids: C+ Great beat. I love slapping punks too. Love the way she was able to sing about the parent’s divorce cuz she ruined their lives. Does this chorus seem slightly quieter and less dark and industrial than the other songs? Perhaps this song is signally a transition in the album but I can’t be sure yet. Need to keep listening.
Fashion of His Love: A+ OH GOD. LOVE THIS SONG. WAIT? Is that Janet Jackson? Amy Grant? No! That’s Whitney Houston. I Wanna Dance With Somebody. I’m gonna be the one that he loves! I was made for loving him. The fashion of his love. I’m gonna be his first and last kiss! AWWW. This is a great song. I’m sold. THIS IS A SUREFIRE WINNER.
Highway Unicorn (Road to Love): B Follow that unicorn on the road to love? Haha. Oooh. Run run with her what exactly? Titties? Oh top down. Meh. I like this song. I love the chorus but I think it’s just kinda weak in the lyrics. Am I bad for not totally loving this song? Maybe it will grow on me.
Heavy Metal Lover: B+ Is that electronic voice saying “give me lots of love”? Dunno. But loving the beat. BLONDE SOUTH? WHISKEY MOUTH? Oh my goodness. Not so PG-13 is it? Haha. Dirty dirty Gaga. It’s a pretty chill good song. Nothing too crazy. I could see this playing as a party is winding down. That electronic voice is a little too much.
Electric Chapel: B+ Off the bat I’m hearing Bon Jovi. Am I bad? Oopsies. Wait! Now I’m hearing BLONDIE. Ooh that makes me like this way more. “Follow me, don’t be such a holy fool.” There should be a movie based around this song. Meet her at Electric Chapel. And throw in some vampires while playing Schiße scene. It’s good. But seriously I can’t get Blondie out of my head now.
The Queen: A+ Love the bells. The Killer Queen inside me’s coming up to say hello. Yes. I love this song. Oh god. This is an empowering song. I am wind and hurricane. The Que-ee-ee-eeen. I am a woman! I insist it’s my life! Don’t forget me when I come crying to heaven’s door. Damn girl. This is a good good good song. YEEES!!
You and I: B- Hella country? Really. I wasn’t prepared for that. But I kinda like it. Taste like whiskey. Did she play this song when I saw her in concert? I feel like this harkens back to a previous song or something. Hmm. The chorus is way country. It’s cute enough but it’s not my favorite song. We will, we will rock you! (You’re right, Nick. Totally Queen!)
The Edge of Glory: A Love the heartbeat opening and the synthesizer. Pretty sure this song was the theme song for Beverly Hills Cop or Miami Vice. I love this song. Saxophone solo and all. Hanging on a moment with you! Great song to end with. Yay!
Should Have Said It and Meant It
May 18th
Everything in life ebbs and flows, ladies and gentlemen. The D@2 train ran out of coal on the tracks somewhere between Pittsburgh and Poughkeepsie. Hello, it’s not a perpetual energy machine! You see, Alfie the coal-shover, developed a bad case of black lung and Nick the conductor tried to convert the train to a sustainable green vehicle using pedal-power. There was a slight mutiny. You see, the train was shipping a murder of Drag Queens across the nation on a whirlwind Popov Vodka tour. And those bitches weren’t about to pedal in heels. Luckily, their makeup and nylon jumpsuits can be converted to energy in the coal furnace. So slowly but surely, the wheels on this train are creeping along again. Keep Calm and Carry On, bitches.
But do know this. If you think you can test this drag queen while she’s burning up her favorite leopard print muumuu, I’ll spank you. And I’ll spank you good.
HRH: Why did you want my mom’s number?
Gary Jr.: To call her. Duh.
HRH: Do you?
Gary Jr.: Don’t I?
HRH: No.
Gary Jr.: Dead
HRH: Like the blog.
Gary Jr.: Mhmmm
HRH: Seriously people. Do something with yourself.
Gary Jr.: How about you create a blog and start posting.
Gary Jr. Likes to Cry and Prepare Himself for the Zombie Invasion
Apr 30th
Benutty’s recent post about his favorite movies made me think about my favorite movies.
So I sat down and tried to come up with a list. I’ve seen way too many movies to easily come up with a list off the top of my head. Then I went to all the Netflix ratings I’ve done. I’ve rated like 3,000 movies since I joined Netflix way back in 2003. I came up with a pretty solid list and then I tried to decide what the common themes were in the movies that I love.
Some obvious things: I like to cry. Beyond that: gay themes, empowered/animated female characters, visually-stunning cinematography, and dramas involving life and death and/or lost opportunities. That and I have a special place in my heart for all zombie movies. I cannot get enough of zombie movies. When the zombie invasion comes, I will be prepared. Thank you World War Z.
So without further adieu and in no particular order, these are my favorite movies of all time.
A Single Man – seriously, Colin Firth is amazing and this movie made me bawl. I saw it by myself at the Piedmont Theatre. It was magical and moving.
Auntie Mame – Oh come on. Every gay needs to see this movie. Mame is amazing and when you remember this movie was made ages ago you will be shocked. Rosalind Russell is a firecracker.
Best in Show – Haha. Jennifer Coolidge is one of the best actresses of all time and wholly underrated. Poor thing. She is the Susan Lucci of the silver screen. Oh and Sue Sylvester is also a star in it. Haha.
The Fall – God this movie is such eye-candy. Not the most amazing plot and pretty predictable but damn this movie is so visually pleasing. Therefore, it gets two photos.
My Beautiful Laundrette – Every gay will die when a young punk Daniel Day Lewis secretly licks the neck of his lover’s ear in front of his family. That scene is outrageous.
It’s My Party – Total cheese but I love it. It’s a secret pleasure. When you need a good cry, watch it. And a chubby young Margaret Cho is in it. Plus, I love the fact that no one wanted Eric Roberts to take the role of playing a gay man so early on. They were afraid he would be blacklisted. Luckily, he wasn’t blacklisted. His career sucked anyway.
Steel Magnolias – I can quote so much of this movie it’s ridic. Momma, my colors are Blush and Bashful. Don’t talk about me like I’m not here! Another good cry movie.
Stepmom – Okay so basically I like to cry at Julia Roberts movies. But Susan Sarandon is the real star of the movie. She just gets me crying and crying. Especially during the nighttime horse ride in the snow scene. I have their births, their childhoods, you have their futures, their weddings, their child. Ugh. Crying right now.
Atonement – Another movie that is so depressing and makes me want to cry. Seeing the ramifications of our actions in life over the course of a lifetime through movies is something I love.
Harold and Maude – God, I adore this movie. It’s so weird and quirky. And it’s a classic.
The Goonies – Another movie I can quote left and right. I even won a Baby Ruth in a Piedmont Theatre midnight showing of the film. Plus the mom from Raising Hope is in it. And god I love Raising Hope.
In the Bedroom – Sissy Spacek. That is all.
Titus – Jessica Lange, Anthony Hopkins, Alan Cumming all under the direction of Julie Tamor. Yeah. An eye candy mess of a Shakespeare play. Cannibalism, rape, avarice, treachery and revenge. Loves it. (That’s Ms. Lange in that photo).
Clue – Hello, we made a 7 part YouTube series about this movie. I was Madam Curry. Need I say more. Actually, I do need to say more. And I shall say: “That’s right. I hated her SO much. Flames. On the side of my face. Heaving. Flaming…”
Zombieland – Best zombie movie I’ve seen in a while. Total tongue-in-cheek approach to a zombie film. Plus it starred Jesse Eisenberg before he was super-famous and getting Oscar nominations. Anyway, zombies and Jesse = me hard.
You Know What I Hate
Apr 25th
I hate when coworkers fart in hallways. Especially egg farts the day after Easter. So thick it coats your clothes and you carry it back to your cube. Tasting it on your tongue.
The poor girls in accounting almost passed out.
Spotted: Shalita Double-Double at the Oakland PD
Apr 8th
That’s right. Shalita Double-Double doubles as a dispatcher. A dispatcher at large. Can you spot her?