Next stop… Whores!
I’ll Eat It
Great News, Nicklet! A Little Pink is A-OKAY! MMKAY!
May 24th
BREAKING NEWS ON THE D@2 DINING CAR:
The USDA released a new recommendation today. It lowered the cooking recommendation for pork! 145 degrees is all that’s needed. A little pink pork is a-okay according to the USDA.
That means you sit Nicklet out in the sun for about 15-20 minutes on a warm sunny San Francisco day and that bitch will be ready to eat in no time. Or catch a rosy-pink Nicklet huffing away on his bike and he’s ready to eat immediately.
Oh and don’t get it curly-tail twisted, Gary Jr. will eat it!
You Say Sformato I Say Cauliflower Flan
Mar 30th
My friend from work (who shall be named International HoBo for the purposes of anonymity) sent me a link to a recipe featured in the NY Times recently. It was for a cauliflower sformato. Her friend is a chef and his recipe was being featured. So I figured oh what the hell. Why not be a Benutty and a Spagnolo and get in touch with my inner Italiano? (NY Times Article) It’s basically like a cauliflower flan. Very eggycheesy cauliflower. The NY Times called it right when they said it’s a “lush little thing.” You know me, I love lush little things (like Misha! hello!). Anyway, her chef friend is moving into the City very soon to work at a new restaurant right here in San Francisco. Straight or not with a baby or not, I shall make him mine.
So that’s what Misha and I did. We made ourselves a cauliflower sformato with a steak and asparagus. But did I eat it?
Benutty’s LadyBits or Ginger Saison? You Decide.
Mar 22nd
Hi Adoring Fans.
You decide. Is it the swirling abyss of a Troll’s bottom or just the ginger saison that Misha and I are currently brewing?
Even in the Dreams of My Friends…
Jan 18th
I just got this email today from my friend Kasey. It killed me. I’m crying at my desk right now trying to catch my breathe. What a mess!
Gary, you were in my dream last night. A totally random dream, I don’t remember all of it, but there was this huge iridescent beetle flying around, and we were trying to figure out what it was. Then it flew into a wall or something and died, and it kind of broke in half, so you picked it up and ate it! Not the whole thing, you just took a bite and said you were just tasting it. That is so gross, Gary, I can’t believe you would do such a thing!
That’s right! I’ll eat it! In your dreams even!
Don’t Lick Over Spilled Champes
Jan 10th
Benutty, as you now know, was invited to my house for NYE 2011. Big mistake. She spilled champes all over my fucking kitchen.
Thank god I was there to clean it up. And clean it up good. And please twist it not, I will eat/drink it.
A Crumb on a Coworker’s Desk Might Be a Feast to Another
Jan 3rd
I forgot all about this story but my coworker told Misha all about it while we were hanging out this weekend. Of course, she waited until the moment I went to the bathroom to secretly tell Misha the story.
My coworker was sitting at her desk and I stopped by to chat. She had just finished chewing and I was mooching around looking for food from my coworkers. Starbucks is too far away, you see. (And if Nick even comments about the location of the nearest Starbucks, that pitbull in lipstick will die). Anyway, my coworker had plate sitting between me and her. She told me she just finished eating and didn’t have anything to offer.
I looked down at the plate and announced, “Oh yes you do. I shall eat your cookie crumbs.” I licked my finger and picked up the crumbs from her plate and popped them into my mouth before she could protest. Before I could register how repulsive I was, I realized that they weren’t cookie crumbs and instead were Rtiz cracker crumbs. And when you are expecting one thing and you get another, your brain goes on strike. It shut me down momentarily until I could realize what I had just eaten. By then though, it didn’t matter what crumbs I had in my mouth. Why? Because I just then realized that I was a total fucking nasty pig in front of my coworker and fucking ate her crumbs with my soggy finger. This is what hunger does to me.
Wait. Is this a So What Who Cares or an I’ll Eat It?
Salsa Pants
Dec 27th
I’m a mess. At Rubios today, I dropped a container of salsa and it exploded all over the floor. I wiped it up and got new salsa before sitting down. As I finished my food I felt dampness on my leg. I looked down and found my left pant leg covered in salsa. So I snapped a picture. By then, it was dried and I need to scrape it off with a tortilla chip. Because good salsa should not be wasted. Then I went back to the office and noticed the other pant leg had even more salsa than the other. What a mess.
Fried Chicken
Oct 10th
Here’s a fun fact that might win over that certain special someone while you’re eating at KFC or Church’s Chicken.
Batter-fried chicken was not invented here in the US. It was actually from West Africa where they took guinea hens and battered and fried them. After the Civil War, train travel became very popular but these early trains lacked food cars, so African American women went into business by selling fried chicken to hungry travelers while the trains stopped at depots like one in Gordonsville, Virginia (which is the chicken leg capital of the world). These businesses became so popular and such a source of income for the women that it rivaled other food establishments (mostly white). Local governments eventually taxed these fried chicken businesses so deeply that the women could not make any profit from selling chicken. However, fried chicken soon became a popular American meal thanks to those enterprising black women and the advent of the train.
The more you know.
Connie’s Cantina
Mar 19th
Connie’s Cantina on Grand Avenue in Oakland. AVOID IT LIKE THE PLAGUE! Nothing good can come from it.
At Minute 10, we thought we needed to order at the kitchen but the busboy informed us to have a seat and someone would be “right with you.” It took 15 minutes once we sat for our “waitress” to take our order. I used waitress loosely to mean the overly tan listless possible addict who took our order. We never got our waters. At Minute 25, we asked for our waters.
At Minute 35, no food. The place wasn’t even crowded. At Minute 45, nothing. By then we had finished our chips n salsa which was $4.75 and NOT COMPLIMENTARY and NO REFILLS. The salsa which she claims to “make fresh daily” essentially looked like a tub of pico de gallo mixed with some La Victoria. BARF. No one should have to pay for that crap.
At Minute 56, the food arrived. My flautas were overcooked and the “beef” was black hamburger sludge. No no no. I didn’t even eat it and I will eat anything. I left it on my plate as a present for the “chef.” The rice wasn’t even Mexican rice. It was thick and yellow. Misha said it was overcooked but I swear it was garlic Rice-a-Roni pilaf.
Connie’s Cantina has been operated by Connie for over a decade. What the hell is wrong with the people of Grand Avenue. Have they never been to Mexico or the Mission? Who fooled these people into patronizing this crap establishment for over 13 years?? Fools! The lot of you!
Gary Jr. Will Eat It
Mar 11th
Don’t get it twisted, folks & trolls. I will eat it.
I had my very first oyster on the half shell. I had two in fact. Slimy, yes. Oceany, kinda. Tasty, not my favorite. Lemon, helps.
Frankly, they were too big for me to swallow whole without thinking I would totally choke so I chewed a little and got all the slimy ocean organ flavors to meld together before sliding down my throat.
Don’t get it twisted, I’ll eat it.
