Next stop… Whores!
Posts by Gary Jr.
Don’t Get it Twisted, You Imp.
Nov 22nd
Everyone knows I went in Halloween drag as your mom.
Mother Nicklet
The Stench of the Working Nick
Nov 22nd
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wanted to take a hot towel to Nick’s face.
How long will it take for him to notice?
Nick & Benutty Had a Son
Jun 3rd
The House of Swine and the House of Hair united their bloodlines and produced a hair–em–I mean an heir.
I Am Your Grandma – Grandpa Troll
Jun 1st
Just when I thought I couldn’t watch enough of the “I Am Your Grandma” video, a troll pops up and remixes it and provides his own commentary. I’m now in love with the Grandma and the Troll.
“I am your Grandpa. I banged your Grandma”
Deadly Outbreak of Horse Virus
Jun 1st
Forces rodeo queens to show off their talents by riding stick ponies. BWAHAHAHAHA.
Sweetums Sings Italiano
May 28th
Never ever invite Sweetums to a housewarming during the same month that Lady Gaga releases a new album and never give Sweetums 4-5 sour beers.
Mississippi River is No Match for Human Fortitude
May 27th
This picture is kind of amazing. I hope the homemade levee lasts long enough to save their house. Godspeed!
My First Stolen Cassette
May 27th
I was probably 9 or 10 when I stole my first cassette tape. My sister, KiKi, had a bitchin’ Camaro. I googled-imaged a ton of 1970s and 1980s Camaro trying to see if I could pinpoint the year without asking her. I think it was either a 1978 Camaro or a 1981 Camaro….but it’s hard to tell. It certainly wasn’t anything newer than 1982 because that’s the year the Camaro got its traditional 80s box-y shape. Gross. (Also, our Dad work at the GM plant for 30 years. So basically every Camaro from like 1966 to 1992 had its back seat cushions installed by my Dad…Talk about a boner-killer for my sister. She couldn’t get frisky in her backseat knowing full well our Dad installed that seat. Haha. I’m sure it didn’t stop her).
Anyway, I waited for my sister to get distracted with her friends. They probably went down to Venice in another friend’s car. They did that a lot. I snuck out to her Camaro in front of our house, unlocked the door and swiped the cassette I had be longing for. She had had it for a couple months and me wanted it. Smeagol-style.
I took that tape. Popped it in my Walkman. And roller skated up and down our street all summer long listening to that tape until it warped in the sun one afternoon and it cracked along one seam. The cassette tape ribbon blew all over the street in the wind. Remember that? Before CDs, when cassette tapes would be blowing all over in the wind and stuck in fences and bushes and gutters. Also, remember having to use a pencil to wind the ribbon back into the the tape? Or having to fix the ribbon when there was a kink? Aww. Memories.
Anyway, without further ado, this was the cassette I stole from my sister Kiki‘s Camaro.
A Conversation with Birgitte Hedda Ola
May 25th
As you might remember, I have a Norwegian coworker named Birgitte Hedda Ola. Birgitte happens to be friends with an actress that we’ll name Thlivia Oh Ilby. Birgitte described her friend to me like this:
“She’s a really great lovely person. Knowing her personally has helped me frame the actual size of all other actresses. You see, Thlivia is pintsized. She’s a size Double Zero and is about 5’3”… but when she stands next to Natalie Portman, Natalie makes her look like a brickhouse. It’s crazy. Natalie must be itty-bitty.” I interjected about what movie I could watch to see Thlivia opposite Natalie Portman or some other skinny bitches. Birgette tells me several of the movies that Thlivia has been in.
I get all excited after Birgitte names one movie and I say, “Ooh! I know that movie. Is that the one with the Ashton Kutcher?” I stop speaking and think about what I just said. “That’s right. The Ashton Kutcher. I’m so my mom.”
Birgitte without hestiating pipes back, “Well you are turning 30 tomorrow.”
Norwegian bitch. Love it. Happy birthday to me.
May is Strokes Awareness Month
May 25th
Nick and I work in two different buildings right next to each other in San Francisco. Once in a while, we’ll get an afternoon coffee together.
Gary Jr.: Alright. Coffee time?
Nick: Si.
Gary Jr.: Perfect.
Nick: se ou i a ho sec
Gary Jr.: really? se ou i ho sec? are you thai all of the sudden?
Nick: See you in a hot minute. I don’t know how that happened.
Gary Jr.: I do. May is Strokes Awareness Month.
Great News, Nicklet! A Little Pink is A-OKAY! MMKAY!
May 24th
BREAKING NEWS ON THE D@2 DINING CAR:
The USDA released a new recommendation today. It lowered the cooking recommendation for pork! 145 degrees is all that’s needed. A little pink pork is a-okay according to the USDA.
That means you sit Nicklet out in the sun for about 15-20 minutes on a warm sunny San Francisco day and that bitch will be ready to eat in no time. Or catch a rosy-pink Nicklet huffing away on his bike and he’s ready to eat immediately.
Oh and don’t get it curly-tail twisted, Gary Jr. will eat it!
