Dead at 2am » Shouldn’t Have Said It Then

HRH Be Hella Nazzz

Benutty — Wed, 01 Sep 2010 17:53:10 +0000

HRH Hannah and I were texting about our plans to go to Sacramento this weekend and then she broke the news that we weren’t just texting – we were TOILET TEXTING!

Out of nowhere, mid-convo, she says:
“I am taking the worst shit right now.”

Did or Didn’t?

Benutty — Sat, 21 Aug 2010 06:03:16 +0000

Friend: I may or may not have helped someone pee in the bathroom.

Me: no you didn’t.

Friend: I did.

Me: you held their penis?

Friend: I did.

An Unimportant Message from Nick

Benutty — Wed, 04 Aug 2010 18:37:14 +0000

I got the following email from Nick yesterday. It was completely unrelated to anything I know/care about because, let’s be real, I can’t stop reliving Extravaganza Eleganza in my head. Also: I’m hella busy planning my next performance.

“I just spent the last 2 hours draining my iPhone battery just to get a blue ribbon pig… LOL… this is what my work day has come to girl.”

Coupla things, Nick:
1. I’m not a girl, thank you.
2. What kind of incestuous “blue ribbon” sex are you having with said iPhone pig?
3. After arriving late and leaving early, your work day IS only 2 hours long, isn’t it?!
4. I expect you to claim I actually know what you’re talking about here but I deny it now and I’ll deny it later. No idea what you’re snorting on about.

Can I get an amen up in here?

Door.

Preparations, or Tranny Hot Mess Dialogue

Benutty — Tue, 27 Jul 2010 03:50:59 +0000

Benutty
On my way to the variety shop oops

Nick
What!!! Girl! Loves it!

Benutty
I need a new bra and some Nyx cosmetics lol. And maybe a few weaves.

Nick
Oh girl. Get me a cheap bra. I’ll pay you back.

Benutty
Just a plain black one? Or flesh?

Nick
Prefer black but whatever will do.

Benutty
K I’m getting black too!!

Nick
Hunns!

Benutty
I’ll bedazzle yours

Nick
No one is going to see it

Benutty
But you’ll know it’s shiny and cute!

Nick
Haha. Whatever you choose. Choose your poison.

Benutty
OMG its so crowded here lol

Nick
Girl. The gays love it

Benutty
Gays and Chinese great grandmas

Nick
Exactly

Shouldn’t Have Said It Then

Benutty — Mon, 12 Jul 2010 19:44:52 +0000

Nick is a bitch, but Gary Jr. is still mad at me for ruining her and everyone else’s Marina and the Diamonds experience so I had to talk to Nick today.

Monday July 12, 12:30 pm

Benutty
i wanna bring over the strobe light and maybe we can put my performance songs into iMovie and see what we’re working with

Nick
you should just come over tonight stupid bitch.. no one ever sees you anymore..

Benutty
oh you cow
and excuse me i see you all the time

Nick
eoh

Benutty
and Alfie doesnt see me because Alfie is a little “i dont return text messages” bitch
and Jay likes not seeing me

Nick
oh.. yea
lol

Benutty
bam
“bam” is the new “that’s right, i said it.”

Nick
um.. thats so 5 years ago emeril lagasse

Benutty
hello, trends rotate!

Nick
not that quickly
thats right.. i said it

Gary Jr. Really Pisses Me Off (She’s So Stupid)

Benutty — Fri, 04 Jun 2010 21:43:09 +0000

[email thread Thursday morning re: lunch date on Wednesday]
Benutty: I really enjoyed our lunch together yesterday. I think we made a breakthrough in our friendship. Love, Benutty
Gary Jr.: Stop flirting. I’m not putting out. xoxo
Benutty: The breakthrough was that I realized I’m no longer in love with you.
Gary Jr.: I’m about to breakthrough your face

[email thread Friday morning]
Gary Jr.: ready for another breakthrough? oh snap.
Benutty: naturally

[text thread beginning 12:33 pm Friday afternoon]
Benutty: Are we doing lunch?
Gary Jr.: Niet. I don’t think I have time. Are you going with Nick?
Benutty: No he stayed home sick. He and I got wasted last night on manroulette
Gary Jr.: Hahahaha. You whores.
Benutty: I have pictures of his dick. We talked to these fags from Michigan for SO long.
Gary Jr.: I might leave early. When would you want lunch?
Benutty: I thought you just said you can’t have lunch. I’m not even hungry I had a bagel.
Gary Jr.: If I leave early, I will. Haha.
Benutty: You’re stupid.
Gary Jr.: Fatty.
Benutty: No one has any clue what you’re even talking about.
Gary Jr.: No one.

[text thread beginning 1:17 pm Friday afternoon]
Gary Jr.: Ready for lunch?
Benutty: No fool I just took a 15 and got soup!!!
Gary Jr.: Dag

I think he meant “Breakfast Dagwood Sandwich” from Denny’s, but I don’t eat those anymore ever since I went on a diet with Nick this Spring. Also: I’m not sure at what point in the conversation Gary Jr. wasn’t clear on the fact that we weren’t getting lunch together for numerous reasons. Such a DeVere.

also: fart war second battle just took place

Shouldn’t Have Told Me What to Say Then

Benutty — Thu, 06 May 2010 15:28:52 +0000

You see, the thing about being a field reporter is that, yeah, you can provide the editors with as many papa-papa-razzi photos as you want and tell us what to use ‘em for n shit, but we don’t really have to listen to you. We can change & embellish your stories as quickly as Nick eats apples, huhhhns. And don’t think we won’t outwit, outplay, and outlast you with our charisma, uniqueness, nerve and talent. Because we will.

Like when Field Reporter Shawnito texted me the other day…

May 3, 2010 8:55 PM

Shawnito
[picture text]
I found Gary Jr.’s long lost panties in the Castro

Benutty
Hahahahahahahahahahahah ew

Shawnito
I know girl nasty bitch right

Benutty
Thanks girl I’ll blog it

Shawnito
Lol love it. I love being a field reporter for d@2am lol

Benutty
I love it too lol

Bitch, those are YOUR panties!

Shouldn’t Have Eaten It Then (and Then Told Me About It)

Benutty — Mon, 26 Apr 2010 03:49:08 +0000

Gary Jr. is a liar because he lies to Nick about what he eats, and I can prove it.

Apr 23, 2010 10:15 PM

Gary Jr.
Are you drunk? I got my h1n1 today.
Dead.

Benutty
Not drunk. But I had three drinks lol

Gary Jr.
Cunt. Sleepover. Yes.
Chouinard.

Benutty
YOU are drunk

Gary Jr.
Sadly no.

Benutty
You don’t have to lie I won’t tell Nick
If u don’t tell him I just made four mini quesadillas

Gary Jr.
Nope I’m not. Lol. But I did have a caramel flan shared with Misha which put me close to my limit.
You fat slut I love quesadillies

Benutty
Nick is so mean when we take cheat moments

Gary Jr.
We need that though. To keep us on the straight and narrow.

Benutty
I’m compromising by not dipping them in sour cream.

Gary Jr.
hahahahahahahahahahahahagg

Benutty
So what?! Who cares?!

Gary Jr.
So cares. Who what.
Strokes.

…

Apr 23, 2010 10:16 PM

Benutty
Gary Jr. is drunk and bored coz he’s texting stupid shit

Nick
Lol. Love it.

Benutty
He’s denying it.

Nick
Tell him he shouldn’t be drinking.
Lol.

…

Case closed.

Oops.

Shouldn’t Have Said It Then

Benutty — Wed, 14 Apr 2010 19:59:12 +0000

Yesterday and this morning were a mess for huhhnns talking shit about their friends. Must be the stench of pending doom in the air…

background: Benutty goes to Nick’s every Tuesday for LostIdolFest, but didn’t this week coz he was sickies
Apr 13, 2010 8:38 pm

Benutty
I don’t like not being at your house lol. This must be what Gary Jr. feels like every Tuesday

Nick
Yea I don’t like it either. You are missing Alfie squealing like a girl over Glee coming on next. Lol

Apr 13, 2010 9:33 PM

Misha
Gary Jr. is listening to his world premiere (it’s on repeat)

Benutty
Oh lord. Why aren’t you guys watching Glee

Misha
I’m doing hw. I dunno about him. He would rather watch himself, I guess!

Apr 14, 2010 12:42 PM

Shawnito
Pig on skates

Benutty
What!!

Shouldn’t Have Said It (About Me and My Friends)

Benutty — Thu, 25 Mar 2010 14:21:37 +0000

blah blah blahdiddy blah starting halfway into a conversation I was having with my cousin HRH Hannah about her possibly playing in my Survivor Challenge…

Mar 18, 2010 5:40 pm

Hannah
I don’t want to play. They’re mean!

Benutty
No one is mean! It’s all in fun and you’d be on the “family” tribe with your mom and dad

Hannah
Your friends are mean. I read your blog. Fuck YOU’RE mean. But I love you.

Benutty
Hahaha we aren’t mean we love everyone so much

Hannah
Hahahahahahahahahahahaha have you ever listened to 710 am Christian radio in Sac? They love everyone too.

Mar 18, 2010 6:10 pm

Hannah
I’ll talk to Sid cuz at least if he plays I know someone will be on my side

Benutty
Exactly!!! Daniel is gonna be on the friends side lol. And then I’m gonna seduce him and get back with him

Hannah
LOL that’s hot. Awww you miss him.

Benutty
No lol I miss sex

Hannah
It’s hard for me to believe you don’t have sex.

Benutty
Once since August. I’m not a whorebag

Hannah
Ew that is the most sad thing I’ve heard all day.

Benutty
And I’M mean????? My FRIENDS are mean?!?! You just called your cousin SAD! THE SADDEST!!

Hannah
No I said that only having sex once in 7 months is sad. The saddest.

Benutty
Me… expect this convo to show up on the blog.

Hannah
LOL as long as you put the WHOLE thing. At least then Daniel will know you still want him. And maybe you’ll get laid. Love you!

Benutty
Hahahaha you’re such a bitch I love it. You and your mom are such good material for d@2.

Hannah
You’re welcome.

Shouldn’t Have It on St. Patrick’s Day

Benutty — Thu, 18 Mar 2010 15:49:07 +0000

Oops. You’re calling me a racist because I probably shouldn’t have said this:

Mar 17, 2010 8:38 pm

Benutty
Going to a gay singles thing at Amanda’s bar. Americano, right?

Kelly
Yeah. Do you want her #? I think she might be off 2nite

Benutty
No it’s ok I just think it’s funny hella queers will be there on st. patty’s

Kelly
Yeah thats random. Have fun 2nite, I’m staying in avoiding the crowds

Benutty
I’m secretly afraid of being in an Irish gangbang in a downtown alley tonight

Kelly
U should b excited 4 that, not afraid

Benutty
I hate red pubes

Kelly
I think everyone does

Benutty
Even red heads

Shouldn’t Have Said It Then

Benutty — Mon, 08 Mar 2010 21:13:45 +0000

Aunt F doesn’t know who she is dealing with. When she tried to tell me she wasn’t going to compete in my Survivor challenge this year I had to tell her the business. Look at this email thread we had the other day:

Aunt F: not sure about playing this season, don’t really like all the lying to the face stuff, I’m too sensitive. Maybe I can help?
Benutty: No. You’re going to play.
Aunt F: You can’t make me. Gary Jr. might kill me.
Benutty: He loves you. He’d want to be on your tribe. Think of all the pre-game alliances you could make now that you know these fools!
Aunt F: Been done. We’ll see if you need people.
Benutty: hahahaha. Fine. We’ll play with Patron rather than beer.
Aunt F: I’m in.

In the words of Nicka — whatever mami wants, mami gets. yes.

Shouldn’t Have Said It Then

Benutty — Fri, 05 Mar 2010 22:59:18 +0000

Email thread between Gary Jr. & Benutty, 5:30pm

Gary: I’m hungry
Benutty: I knew you’d want Second Lunch. Cometh to Nickory’s tonight. She’ll have apples to eat.
Gary: Only piggies stuff their mouths with apples.
Benutty: hahaha I hate that she wouldn’t let us take a portrait of her like that. Maybe when she gets skinny (by the end of April, per Lose It!) she’ll let us.
Gary: I will die.
Benutty: So will she. When we tell her it’s a portrait but really it’s a D@2 video of her death at 2am. The Cow-Breather runs up and shoves the apple down Pig’s throat while Troll fakes taking her picture.

Text from Gary to Nick, 8:45pm

Gary: I’ll give you an apple for your pig face

Nick to Benutty at Safeway, 11:55pm

Nick: I’m gonna eat hella apples when I get home

Text from Benutty to Gary, 11:56pm

Benutty: at Safeway with Nick. He says “I’m gonna eat hella apples when I get home”
Gary: hehe. Like a good little piggy.

Shouldn’t Have Said It Then

Benutty — Tue, 16 Feb 2010 07:06:57 +0000

Mama Nicky likes to think that he’s at the center of the world when it comes to the social lives of Gary Jr. and me. And, for the most part, he’s right. Take, for example, the weekend in November that he, Jay and Alfie were moving — Gary Jr. had just severed his own finger trying to cut an IKEA knife out of the plastic and I was home alone, depressed, and newly single. We were pretty much bored out of our minds, but during that very hard time in our lives we were able to learn a lot about each other — and Gary Jr. even managed to provide me with some very good dating tips. I just wish he woulda kept the pictures to himself, thank you!

Nov. 20, 2009 10:30 PM

Gary Jr.
You dumb dwarf.

Benutty
I miss Nick

Gary Jr.
She’ll be all moved in soon enough. And you can start drinking again.

Benutty
I meant I miss u

Gary Jr.
Send me a picture of what you are doing right now! Do it

Lazy bitch on a couch

Benutty
This

And

This

Gary Jr.
I’m jelly! I’m just…

This

And

This

Benutty
You stupid bitch I hatelove you

Also did someone really just call u papi on facebook

Gary Jr.
Lol. Probably Maria she’s my Peruvian mami.

Benutty
Ew.

I forgot how to turn Facebook poking into fucking but I was hella good at it in college

Gary Jr.
Baby girl it’s just like riding a bicycle. But I haven’t ridden a bike since I was 9

Benutty
I haven’t had sex in a really long time

Gary Jr.
Jack off first before ANY date. First rule

Benutty
Obv

Gary Jr.
And hide the anal beads

In your ass

Benutty
Lol

Gary Jr.
It’ll keep you attentive during the date

Benutty
Omg. New black guy on seancody

Gary Jr.
Oooooooooh honnvietmynies

Stop trying to make fetch happen

Benutty
Suddenly I have plans tonight

Gary Jr.
Erm

Benutty
Ttyl

Gary Jr.
Good luck now!

So Glad You Said It

Benutty — Fri, 05 Feb 2010 07:13:27 +0000

Spent some time with the troll clan today and my little sister, FrankieRose, was running off at the mouth with regard to the blog.

FrankieRose: (something-something about how her coworkers laugh at her when she says “eoh” or “huhhhhnn” at work)
Benutty: Cute, but have you ever heard of the Huhhnny Off?
FrankieRose: No, what is that?
Benutty: A huhhnnny calls “huhhnny off” and it’s a competition to see who can hold their “huuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhnnnn” the longest!
FrankieRose: Oh no.
Benutty: Gary always wins.
FrankieRose: Coz his lungs.
Benutty: Why his lungs?
FrankieRose: Coz he sings.
Benutty: You mean coz he’s a cow?
FrankieRose: No. Coz he sings. Isn’t he a stage performer?
Benutty: … (clock strikes 2am)
FrankieRose: But he does all of those sweetums.