Shouldn’t Have Said It Then

In just one day I’ve received thousands of letters, emails, postcards, text messages, singing telegrams, bombs, anthrax, and phone calls in response to my essay from yesterday — both in support and disagreement with my argument. I’ve heard some valid points in opposition to my own so I thought I’d share a conversation I had with one valued member of the D@2 press media. Although categorized as such, this isn’t really a “shouldn’t” have said it then. It’s a “should” have said it then because I’m glad this particular journalist spoke up. I am relieved that people can respectfully debate issues with me without letting it be too personal, and in my support of that I think it’s necessary to provide a voice on the blog for those who felt hurt by my post that a “comment” wouldn’t do justice.

MEDIA
I’m calling in regards to yesterdays post, “The Straight Infiltration”, on behalf of the community of straight people who actively work for and support gay equality. I wanted to say that although the message was sent loud and clear, it felt more like a stab in our heavy-flowing, wideset vaginas. It is understandable that you lack an appreciation for the increase of bachelorette parties and douchbag men in beloved gay bars but your post extends that slap in the face to the straight men and woman who have stood by the gays through years of discrimination. Your post feels like that discrimination has now turned towards us by who we felt were our allies.

BENUTTY
You know, the essay was never intended to alienate allies of the gay community. I acknowledge their support and really admire and respect them for embracing the community. But they have to realize that although directed in part toward the straight community as a whole, my argument really has nothing to do with their belief in the rights of gay people. Let’s not blanketly equate going to gay bars with being an advocate of civil rights.

MEDIA
Correct, attendance at a gay bar does not esablish one as a civil rights activist. Just as listening to rap music doesn’t establish one as anti-racist. The post clearly asks all straights to stay out of gay bars. Are you revising that statement to only ban those who are not allies of the gay community?
It’s established that you want the support of the straight community. Leaving me to question your reasoning for excluding them from gay activities. Would you like to elaborate? And is it possible that, without the intentions of, your post does alienate the allies of the gay community?

BENUTTY
I’m not revising anything, but a point that may not have come across in my essay is that I wouldn’t exactly consider going to a gay bar a gay “activity” — especially not for straight people. Going to gay bars, for instance, isn’t the same as attending gay pride festivals. I welcome straight people to attend pride events because Pride is more about acknowledging a need for social & political equality. A bar on any given day is not a venue that serves that purpose. We should address the ideas behind why a gay bar exists in the first place. There are no straight bars. Bars are bars. But gay bars are designated as such because at one time, and still, gay people felt unwelcome to “be gay” at bars — they could not feel comfortable expressing their sexuality in a place based (to a degree) on sexuality without facing ridicule. So gay bars cropped up as a place for them to find each other and to be gay together.

MEDIA
By no means am I suggesting that there should not be a place for gays to get together and be gay together but it is discriminatory to suggest that straights can not be included in a social, non-politically active gay place. Rather, the unity of like-minded people should be appreciated. The presence of straights should not stifle the gay spirit, it should be a welcomed addition. Yes straights aren’t gay by definition therefore presumably unable to “be gay together” but the appreciation for the gay community and enjoyment of gay company should not be something that is looked down upon. It should be encouraged. If a straight can attend a gay bar and add to the spirit and enjoyment of the gays, why do they need to be excluded? Do you believe that most gays feel the same way and do not want to include their straight friends and allies when attending a gay bar?

BENUTTY
I can’t speak for the gay community as a whole, but I can say that I know of other gay people who feel similarly to me. For me, as a gay person it is very difficult to find the appropriate balance between fighting for equal rights and preserving the gay community. The Straight Infiltration is a slippery slope in the sense that we may imagine some point in the future where, if the straight population continues to increase, gay bars will cease to be gay. And the people who need gay bars as a place to freely express their sexuality will no longer have that space to do so. So on one hand of course it is difficult (and clearly impractical) to say that no straight person should be allowed at a gay bar, but on the other hand I can see the eventual effects of its occurrence.

MEDIA
As a supporter of gay rights, I fight for the equality of all. Furthermore, my intentions are for the unity of all. Ideally, wouldn’t the ultimate goal be to have every bar, whether gay or not, have an environment to freely express their sexuality regardless of sexual orientation? Not that there should be a loss of diversity but an appreciation for it. Just as there are predominately African American bars, if one attends they should be open and accepting of that culture while adding to the environment not bringing discrimination. When I attend a predominately African American bar would it be fair for the African American patrons to exclude me in order to “preserve” their community? Wouldn’t it be more appropriate for them to welcome me into their community as a part of it as appose to a spectator? It’s possible that I’ve misunderstood the intentions and wishes of the gay community. Are we separate or are we one?

BENUTTY
You know, I don’t see an African-American bar as anything that is as clearly definable as a gay bar so I don’t want to address that comparison. They don’t, for example, have an equivalent to a rainbow flag flying outside their business. I think a more apt comparison is made with racial- or ethnic-specific universities which, like gay bars, were created out of a need within a minority community to create an environment where their members can experience the benefits of school without fear of discrimination, whether real or imagined. When an “outsider” is welcomed into that environment I think you run the risk of infringing upon its purpose. And, again, I’m hesitant to discuss this notion of equating frequenting gay bars as a showcase of equality where we designate a separation or a oneness. In many situations I don’t believe a straight person goes to a gay bar because it’s gay. I think it’s more likely that they go because of an idea of openness and freedom that while a characteristic of gay culture is not a definition of it and should instead be equally available to them, as you say, at any bar. The issue is really that bars in general don’t promote a sense of equality, freedom, or open-mindedness for anyone. Yet somehow because the gay community is generally more accepting of differences their bars must become homes for all of the disenfranchised? Just as gays carved out their own bars, other outcasted subcultures should be doing more of the same.

MEDIA
If African American bars and gay bars aren’t a valid comparison than neither is comparing any bar to a university. African American universities were not only established to create a positive environment for African American student but more importantly to ensure equal education since historically African American students received a lesser quality education than white students. This is still statistically true, therefore there is still a significant justification for African American universities although less needed than before. Insuring the equal education of all of our children isn’t necessarily comparable to a dire need for gay bars. If we need to get technical.

I agree that all bars, all places really, should have a feeling of equality, openness and freedom. Unfortunately, that isn’t the case. It seems hypocritical to say that just because a group of people aren’t of a specific subculture, they shouldn’t be allowed to enjoy the benefits of that subculture. If we are fighting to preserve it shouldn’t we gain access to the pleasures of that subculture? What are you suggesting we do? Develop a fag hag bar across from the gay bar? Or a totally liberal, strong-minded, fat girls club down the street? It is remarkably hypocritical to expect someone to fully support your lifestyle and whatever that may include yet not support their’s, if it happens to be straight with a side of gay. Since, let’s face it, part of my lifestyle does include going to gay bars, dressing in drag, and making-out with people of the same sex.

BENUTTY
I won’t ignore that you make a few really good arguments and I’d be stupid to not acknowledge that. But I suppose that now, at this very clear juncture in our arguments, that we must agree to disagree. But I’d like to make it clear that I do value and admire the support of you and all other allies of the gay community for their continued support in our fight for equal rights. I appreciate you feeling comfortable enough to express your disagreement with me and my readers, and thank you for representing their dissenting voice on such a contentious issue. Now let’s go get a 2-for-1 at the new trendy queer pub down the street