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Recipes
Recipe for Class: Get Your Movie On, Girl
Dec 15th
If you wanna show hella class this winter then you’re gonna have to blow your way onto the guest list of the hottest Oscar party you know of. But keep in mind that although being a movie critic is fancy, being a critic and actually knowing what you’re talking about is fancy-classy! So look no further than my Classy Is as Classy Does Oscar Guide 2010 for ways to make sure you dazzle on the red carpet this awards season.
Act I – The Party
Like I said before, get yourself invited to an Oscar party. And if none of your friends are cute enough to host, then throw one of your own! The show is airing February 27, 2011 so you have plenty of time to plan this one out. All you need is a television, prediction ballots, and friends. Drinks and appetizers are always a good idea, too, and will go a long way to convincing your friends you glitter with class. Consider making Blackberry Swan mojitos or Truly Gritty caipirinhas for drinkies, and a plate of These Krispies Are All Right or Winter’s Wings with Blue Valentine Cheese dip for eaties. Fatties and alcoholics will love you for your classy-creativity.
Act II – The Critic
After realizing you finally have somewhere to go on Oscar night you’ll want to know what the hell you’re talking about. One of the best parts of any Oscar party is competing in prediction ballots — you know, where each guest makes her picks for the winners in each category. Most dumb-dumbs go into Oscar parties having seen maybe one or two of the movies in contention, and those idiots usually lose the pool. I mean, hello, Avatar was not going to win Best Picture last year and only a classless fool would have predicted it would. A guess like that shows any real critic that you’re a phoney baloney and probably only saw one movie.
So! to help prepare for the big party, you’ll want to start seeing as many of this year’s contenders as possible. Because I’m well on my way to reaching classy acclaim, having studied all the critics’ choices and seen most of this year’s top films already, here’s a list of the movies you’ll want to familiarize yourself with and should expect to show up all over this year’s Oscar prediction ballots:
ALREADY ON DVD
- Inception: if you don’t know what this movie is then you probably shouldn’t have been invited to the party anyway
- The Kids Are All Right: indy film about lesbian mothers (Julianne Moore & Annette Bening) with two children who want to meet their sperm donor father (Mark Ruffalo)
- Toy Story 3: hello, duh
- Winter’s Bone: super indy film about a 17-year girl in the Ozarks prematurely thrust into adulthood having to raise her younger siblings amidst an incestuous Meth-cooking community while on a search for her fugitive father
MAYBE STILL IN THEATERS
- 127 Hours: James Franco as that one fool that got caught in a rocky crevice for 5 days and had to amputate his arm to save his own life
- The Social Network: the Facebook movie with newcomer, soon-to-be-star Jesse Eisenberg as the complicated Mark Zuckerberg
- The Town: Ben Affleck stars and directs a based-on-true-stories crime-thriller about bank robbers in ghetto Charlestown, Mass.
JUST RELEASED IN THEATERS
- Black Swan: Natalie Portman goes batshit crazy in Aronofsky’s beautifully thrilling tale of an artist’s struggle for perfection
- The King’s Speech: Colin Firth, Helena Bonham Carter and Geoffery Rush bring their acting guns to the table with this British gem about stuttering Albert, Prince of York’s unlikely ascension to the throne as King George VI
SOON TO BE RELEASED
- The Fighter: Mark Wahlberg, Christian Bale, and Amy Adams in a dysfunctional and volatile family of boxers
- True Grit: The new one by the Coen brothers, a modern western about revenge starring Jeff Bridges, Matt Damon and Josh Brolin
- Rabbit Hole: directed by John Cameron Mitchell, starring Nicole Kidman as a mother struggling with the death of her child
- Blue Valentine: at one point rated NC-17 (but argued down to an R), Ryan Gosling and Michelle Williams are getting rave reviews in this romantic drama
Act III – The Dress
Hello, every classy broad struts the red carpet in a shawl & brooch. Don’t hate. Go to Kohl’s and/or The Goodwill and get your fit.
Follow these three easy steps and the Academy Award for Hella Class will go to you: a true partier, with knowledge, a cuties outfit and hella fucking class!
Recipe for Class: Basil Bombshells
Jun 22nd
Huhhhnns! Basil is hella good. And if you want to be classy then you have to eat hella good basil quiches and drink hella mami-yummy basil lemon droplets! Thank you, you’re welcome. Eat it. Drink it.
Honeyrella’s Tomato-Basil Mami Quiche
Inwhorients:
3 eggs
1 cup heifer milk
2 tomatoes
some onion
dried basil flakes
2 cups shredded colby jack cheese
1 deep dish crust
olive oil
flour
Whorestructions:
- pre-heat your mami-oven to 400 degrees & when ready put your deep dish crust in there for like 3 minutes to get it warm and ready
- dice the tomatoes & onion, get a saute pan and coat it with a lil bit of olive oil, then throw the tomatoes & onion in there
- while the veggies saute, sprinkle them with the basil flakes & flour to your liking, and get them fuckers good and cooked
- spread up to 1 cup of cheese over the bottom of the now heated deep dish crust, then throw the cooked veggies over that
- whisk the 3 eggs with a cup of milk, and pour over the veggies in the deep dish pie crust
- delicately sprinkle up to 1 cup of cheese over the top of all that shits
- bake the quiche in the oven for 15 minutes, and then turn the mami-oven down to 350 degrees & bake for another 20 minutes
- bake until the top is golden brown and there is a firmness to your quiche
Classy serving:
- let the quiche rest for 10 minutes, then sprinkle fresh basil leaves on the top for classy decoration, or sliced cooked tomatoes is cuties, too!
- serve warm to your ungrateful mami-auntie guests, or put it in the fridge to chill & microwave that mess in the morning
Rahuuuhnnzel’s Basil-Lemon Droplets
Inwhorients:
- vodka
- 1 cup water
- 1 cup sugar
- fresh basil leaves
- lemonade
- fresh lemons
Whorestructions:
- pour 1 cup water & 1 cup sugar into a small sauce pan & cook until boiling, stir it a little so the sugar doesn’t settle at the bottom dumby
- when boiling, turn off the heat & gently throw in fresh basil leaves (as many as you goddamn want)
- let sit until that shits smells like you wants it to
- add the basil simple syrup to your jar of lemonade, shake and put that shits in the fridge to chillz
- invite your favorite mami-aunties over for drinkies and hope they aren’t on the LoseIt diet coz otherwise they’ll refuse your delicious droplets and then you’ll prolly cry like Alfie when Kitty left for Europe
- fill drinking glasses with ice, pour in as much vodka as needed to get drunk quick, and fill the rest of the glass with your basil-lemonade
- slice up some lemons all cuties like and throw in some fresh basil leaves for the classy effect
- maybe squeeze a little fresh lemon into the drink for mami measure
- serve to your ungrateful dieting huhhns
- get day-drunk
Also, look like this:
Pearls courtesy of T-Bone
Recipe for Class: Good Deeds is Mami-Magical Huhhhnns
Mar 29th
So girlies, another way to keep your mami-lifestyle hella classy is to do good deeds for your friends and family. As good as it feels to spend your own money honey on yourself buyin champes and sriracha martinis, it truly feels much better when you can make someone else happy instead!
I just got a phone call from one of my best friends because she received a present from me in the mail today. A couple weeks ago she came into the city for a visit and we did some walking around on Haight Street. In one store we came across a totally cuties dress for only $14 but she didn’t get it coz she’s trying to spend less money on frivolous things. Huhhhhnnns! She wouldn’t even try it on! But then a few days later she texted me how she couldn’t stop thinking about the dress and was pissed she didn’t buy it! So sad. A tragedy! Hateful regret!
So in true classy ass fashion I went and bought it for her and sent it to her a couple weeks early for her bday. And she looooooves it and it fits!
And I can’t stop smiling coz I did a classy good deed for a classy friend. Try it!!! Feels gooooood.
Recipe for Class: GaGa Makes a Music Video Masterpiece
Mar 11th
The reason Lady GaGa is so goddamn amazing is because she cares. Caring is classy. Plain and simple. Compared to her contemporaries — politicians who don’t care enough to fix our failing system, citizens who don’t care enough to vote, blog readers who don’t care enough to comment, etc. — the Gaggers is a breath of fresh air. It’s just nice to have an entertainer who considers every aspect of her image, her audience, and her beliefs.
For evidence, look no further than the much anticipated “Telephone” video. It’s a motherfucking masterpiece. This is how you make a fucking classy music video:
And this how not to be classy:
Oops. Sorry, FrankieRose and I musta had a little too much champerelles.
Party Game: The $3 Shuffle
Feb 11th
I come from a family of notorious gamblers. Any chance we get to bet our hard-earned Ke$ha against the wits & talents of each other we take it! Hold’em Tournaments, football pools, Survivor/Bachelor/Amazing Race/Big Brother/American Idol pools, Reno/Tahoe/Indian casinos, and now — The $3 Shuffle — thanks to Aunt F and HRH Hannah!
Next time you’ve got a fair-sized group of people hanging out try playing this game — it’s a great ice-breaker because it gets everyone excited and there is rarely any arguing considering it’s all based on luck.
The $3 Shuffle
ingredients:
- as many people as possible
- $3 per person
- die
1) sit/stand around a table with each person placing their $3 in front of them
2) starting with the eldest (or youngest, or whoever you goddamn want) each player will roll the die once per turn, and depending on the # they roll they will either pass one of their dollars, throw one into the pot, or get a free pass.
when you roll:
- 1 – pass $1 to the person on your right
- 2 – pass $1 to the person on your left
- 3 – put $1 into the pot
- 4, 5, 6 – no action, you get a free pass
3) play continues counter-clockwise until every dollar of every player is in the pot, last player to throw in their last dollar wins all the money!
3a) even if you pass away all 3 of your dollars while other people still have them you are not out of the game! there is always the chance that someone to your right or left is going to pass one of their dollars to you on their turn. but remember, you can only roll the die if you have at least one dollar — if you’re out of dollars then the play just passes over you until you get a dollar.
3b) when there is only one person left with money they don’t automatically win! even if they have $2 in front of them and no one else has any they have to continue to roll until they get a 3 and throw their dollars into the pot. if they roll a 1 or a 2 they pass as usual and another player is back in the game. the winner isn’t the last one standing, but rather the last person to throw the last dollar into the pot!
first round of The $3 Shuffle at Aunt F's on Super Bowl Sunday
Another Recipe for Class
Feb 8th
I know, I know, I’m no Martha Stewart or anything but everybody is totally sweating my Caprese SkewerPops so I thought I’d provide a quick recipe for entertaining with class!
I’ve made this dish for my own cocktail parties, for Super Bowl parties, and even for an office potluck — and, let me tell you, everyone lovies muchies thems!
Benutty’s Caprese SkewerPops
- cherry tomatoes
- fresh mozzarella
- fresh basil
- salt
- balsamic vinegar
- classy toothpicks (plastic ones work best)
1) Cut each cherry tomato in half horizontally. Tear the basil leaves in halves (or for larger leaves, tear in thirds or quarters). Slice the mozzarella (I like to use the mozzarella logs from Safeway) into pieces the size of half a cherry tomato.
[The cutting is pretty time-consuming so allow yourself about an hour to make the entire plate! And don't let my family members sit by you when you're preparing because they like to put their grubby Spagnolo paws all over your hardwork!]
2) Stab half a tomato, then basil, then mozz, then the other half of the tomato onto the toothpick so that it looks like a little red caprese sandwich!
3) Plate in deep serving dish. Salt as preferred. Drizzle yummy balsamic over the plate.
4) Best served while wearing a brooch and/or shawl.
5) Cocktail pairing? Champes.
Voilà! Classy.
Love my Madonna hands
Recipe for Class, or Benutty’s Plan to Get a Man in 2010
Jan 21st
Ladies, and now a little lesson in class.
In order to remain a woman in good standing within your community you must keep the following three items in your possession for use when the time is right.
Shawl-wrap to keep you warm when away from the hearth
A little liquid courage — Barefoot's White Zin is the ideal choice
Vintage Chanel brooch (any knock-off will also do) to match the natural sparkle in your eye
Appropriate moments for use of these items:
1. While reading a novel by candlelight
2. Mid-week in the third week since you fell into depression
3. Any age after 42
4. Newly single and looking for a 30-something rich, gay husband
Believe it,
Benutty