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Posts by Benutty
Willy Tonka and the Choclit Factory
Mar 21st
Nick and I were talking about how 2011 needs to stop being the year of the shoulder being nice because our site hasn’t been filthy or nasty in a long time.
Nick: we need to go back to being mean to each other and other people.. lol
Me: yeah we’ve been pretty tame lately, i’ll post something mean right now
Nick: oh good.. i’ll post something mean/funny tonight after dinner, i need a greatest moments too
Me: try every time you try and form a sentence when drunk. those are great.
I was batshit afraid to post my ‘mean post’ though so I had to seek the approval opinion of my peers.
Me: How mad will Gary get if this [picture] is on the blog in some capacity?
Nick: oh girl.. i don’t know if gary will be ok with that lol.. you can try it.. i’m keeping my distance just in case
Me: i know! who would be? but it’d be PERFECT for what I need to do
Nick: well make it.. post it and first let me know.. then let him know and see if he approves
Me: lol “first let me know”(i draft the post)
Me: It’s in drafts but I can’t possibly post it, all doors will be open for humiliating each other
Nick: Omg so good!!!! Just post it. It will reignite Gary’s interest.
Me: Should I ask her first?
Nick: Yes. Tell him you’re scared to post it. Lol
Cue my sweaty fingers nervously texting Gary.
Me: Nick and I were talking about how we haven’t been filthy or mean enough on the blog lately. I have an awful post in drafts right now but I’m scared to post it. I mean it’ll open the flood gates of we are all fair game now…
Gary: If it’s of me, it better be worth it. Because when you crying at your cube next week, I’ll just resend this text.
Me: I’m not posting it without your approval, but even if it doesn’t get posted it already killed me and Nick so it can be between the three of us
(gary looks at the draft)Gary: If I were wearing a wig I would approve. You slut. Find another one of me in a wig and I might grant exclusive rights. Without the wig I just look like Shamperella. Now post it with all this dialogue.
Gary speaketh and it shall be done.
We’ve lost our voice, our talent, and our edge. Time to change that. I’ve been sitting on this idea for a while, and now it is time for it to see the light. Behold the post that will resurrect, rebuild, and rebirth D@2:
Violet! You’re turning violet, Violet.
Why Aren’t You Watching Bob’s Burgers?
Mar 20th
“You can’t have a 28 year old, albino friend!”
Why aren’t you watching Bob’s Burgers? The new animated sitcom on FOX is brilliant and definitely the best show on television right now. I like to compare it to Modern Family because it’s hilarious as shit, but also finds a way to wrap every episode up sweetly with a cute theme about familial love. It’s 8 episodes in already, but if you act quickly you can still check out all of them on hulu!
To prepare you, I’ll break down the main characters of the show:
The Belcher Family
Bob
The hairy father desperately trying to keep his family in line and their business, the hamburger restaurant, afloat despite the inadvertent disasters his family members create that put the diner in jeopardy. His best moment involves taking out a second job as a taxi driver, shuttling around three drag queen messes.
Linda
The Fran Drescher-esque mother with good intentions and genuine love & support for everyone. She’s often challenging Bob, urging him to take more risks with the restaurant, and is a great foil for all of her drastically crazier children.
Tina
Somewhere between puberty and college, the eldest daughter is a fucking mess. She is all about everything sexual, often seeking out romantic relationships with boys and cows, and is surprisingly vulgar in all the best ways. Her absolute top top top shining moment was during her depression fits of laying face up on the floor — in one instance slinking off a barstool like a dead fucking snake. Oh, and her deep, monotone voice kills me.
Gene
A total nerd, the only son in the family is a lot like his mother — he loves & supports everyone else. Only his support comes in the way of always being up for a good time, like having his ear chopped off if his sister asks. He’s often used as his younger sister’s henchman or as his father’s sidekick, but in every situation you can count on him to break things down to the most basic and literal level, usually with a joke or four.
Louise
Without a doubt the scene-stealer of every episode, this bitch is magic. She may be the youngest child, but she has the most interest (and seemingly the most knowledge) about how the world works. She’s a con artist with a flare for danger, disaster, and deals. Her best moment, and perhaps one of the show’s funniest, involves her employing her siblings (and later some retardedly gay twins) as artists so that she can make a buck at the city art crawl. Oh, and that time she taught Tina how to kiss. Bwahaha.
“Shh, shh, shh. Shut your mouth, dad. It’s art crawl. Shh.“
I’m Pretty Sure Nick Tweeted That!
Mar 19th
I’m confused because I could have sworn Nick tweeted these things last night:
@Leo4koz: Leaving Target, I would never find my car if it wasn’t for my Jack in the Box antennae ball!!
@andyrinky: im about to slap a fat bitch
But don’t get it twisted — he my not have actually tweeted either of those things, but he sure-as-shit thought ‘em. #gayboyroutines #itsagayknocklife #ohnana
Benutty’s Book Review: The Maltese Falcon
Mar 16th
(Dashiell Hammett, 1930)
Most of you probably know of The Maltese Falcon because of the Oscar-nominated film it was made into like a hundred years ago. And you probably think that’s all there is to it. Well, you’re wrong. It was a book first, piglets. Written by Dashiell Hammett, The Maltese Falcon is one of the most well-known detective stories; it tells the story of Sam Spade, a private detective in San Francisco, hired for mysterious reasons by a couple of mysterious characters from out-of-town. Like most detective stories, it’s a pretty easy read — y’know, not-so-deep themes, a just-for-fun attitude, and rather basic symbolism (i.e., Sam’s last name is Spade because he’s “sharp” and “devilish”). The most interesting things about the book, and definitely the only reasons why I’d recommend it to any of our readers, are: 1) the setting of San Francisco, and 2) the comparisons to be made between Sam Spade and Don Draper. Most of the book takes place in the financial district of SF — around Bush & Grant (close to where there is now a street named after Dashiell Hammett!) — so it’s fun to read about places you can easily imagine because you’ve been there. And Sam and Don are similar in the sense that they’re both those “heroes” that you love-to-hate and hate-to-love — y’know, never making the right decisions, always taking advantage of women, and being selfishly devious, but so sexy because of those things and absolutely nothing like Nick — so you love them.
Because it’s such a quick read, I recommend it to anyone that reads contemporary crime drama or has an interest in film noir because it really did set the standard for both of those things.
Notable excerpt:
“I know what I’m talking about. I’ve been through it all before and expect to go through it again. At one time or another I’ve had to tell everybody from the Supreme Court down to go to hell, and I’ve got away with it. I got away with it because I never let myself forget that a day of reckoning was coming. I never forget that when the day of reckoning comes I want to be all set to march into headquarters pushing a victim in front of me, saying: ‘Here, you chumps, is your criminal.’”
The Better of Two Miserable Experiences, or Shalittering All Over My Life
Mar 14th
Nick likes to invite people to share in his miserable experiences. I was lucky enough to get out of this one today because of my own personal miserable experience — a Benutty Family Reunion Committee Meeting conference call. But I couldn’t resist the chance to put a fork in the pork, if you know what I mean:
via text message
Nick: I’ll be shopping at Levi’s in Union Square after work. Join me.
Benutty: I probably can’t coz I have a reunion conference call around 6.
Nick: Omg. You people take this shit so seriously. Lol.
Benutty: Girl they are making me provide full detailed outlines for them tonight coz they don’t think I’m well-planned eventhough it’s over a month away lol
Nick: Oh lord. Such messes.
Benutty: I know I’m like hello it took me a week to pull survivor togetherlater via IM
Nick: you are still having your conference call? lol
Benutty: Yes, ugh. Sorry girl.
Nick: Ok… it’s cool. I’ll only hold it against you until I finish shopping.
Benutty: You’re retarded. I hate watching you try on jeans anyway. It’s like having to tell Shalita she looked good in that butterfly outfit over and over again.
Nick: LOL now you are dead
Disclaimer: some legal artistic liberties were taken with the retelling of this otherwise completely true conversation
When Things Grow on You: Ellie Goulding
Mar 12th
Look, admittedly sometimes it takes me a minute to give something enough of a chance to discover that I actually like it. Por ejemplo, I was totally effing ambivalent to Gary Jr. when Nick first introduced me to her (it took me like eight years to finally remember her name), but, mind you, she wasn’t exactly as bouncy and disgustingly entertaining as all of you know her to be now. She kinda bored the ess out of me at first. The point is, eventually (for some unknown reason) I finally gave @phaggyphatphuck a chance and now I have an opinion on her.
The same can now be said of my relationship with British indie-pop act Ellie Goulding. My coworker BK gave me her album a year ago and I immediately dismissed it because I thought the cover art was ugly as eff. I probably listened to a song or two, but didn’t really pay attention — surely I was too entrenched in my obsessions with Robyn, Marina and the Diamonds, and Kelis to have time for anything else. Long story short, I came across the US release of the same album on iTunes this week and because the cover art is so much cutiesier I gave it a chance. Um, hello! How glitter is this? Way better than the ugly original, and obviously deserving of my attention now.
And I’m in love. So freaking good. Subtley dancey, with a definite indie rock thread of glitter running through it, Ellie’s voice takes the best of overrated Duffy and turns down the worst of over-the-top Florence + the Machine to make for a fun, but easy listen. Totally recommend it to anyone looking for a new artist or new music. If you want to check out just a few songs I’d recommend “Lights,” “This Love (Will Be Your Downfall),” “Your Biggest Mistake,” or if you want something you know, she does a decent cover of Ewan McGregor’s Elton John’s “Your Song.”
“Love it!”
Update: Here’s a link to one of her videos so you can listen!
Final Jeopardy!
Mar 11th
Yes, cuntrags. It’s Final Jeopardy and Amelia Bearhart is still the category. Place your bets and comment your best question to the following answer:
$400 Amelia Bearhart
Mar 7th
This week you’re playing Double Jeopardy! in the category “Amelia Bearhart.” Can you question the answers correctly? Probz not! Y’know coz you’re not Watson, but who cares. Try anyway, horrorbag.
Loading …I Have Crazy Dreams
Feb 15th
I have crazy dreams all the time. No, really, ask Mo’Nickque — she knows all about Eve. Maybe this one isn’t especially crazy, but because I am bound to have crazier crazy dreams in the future I should probably start telling you about the less crazy ones now. (Some exaggerations may apply) & (Don’t expect a fluid thought process — think Virginia Woolf meeting James Joyce in a Stream of Consciousness parking lot, having wild sex while petting a Trojan horse straight out of Homer’s Odyssey).
WARNING: No, Gary Jr. was not in this one. Safe to read, safe for work, safe to read your kids at night.
All I remember is this huge castle-house with a shit-ton of hallways, labyrinths, mazes, stones, Hogwarts moving portraits, and lit sconces. Apparently this is the castle-house that I was staying in along with my sister’s softball team that was out of town for a tournament. For whatever reason I woke up in the middle of the night and came into a small room at the center of castle-house, all hallways leading from and beyond it. In this room was a torn-up couch, olive green with spring cushions (one coming out on the far end), a lit stone fireplace with green fire (yes, like in Sleeping Beauty) and creepy gargoyles and sconces all over the stone walls. I laid down on the couch and started watching TV (from a TV that actually didn’t exist, but I know I had the feeling that I was there to watch TV) and felt a bump under my back. Hidden in the trenches of the cushion was a fresh red apple. YUM! So obviously I ate the apple, like a good little satyr. Right after I finished it I put the core back where I found it. Then out from one of the corridors came one of my sister’s teammates looking for her apple that she left on the coffee table as a snack. I told her I had no idea what she was talking about. But as she went up the stairs, for whatever reason, I blurted out “I don’t know, I ate the apple!” but I thought I was saying “I don’t know, I ate the tomato!” Needless to say she ran back down, kicked me off the couch and found the half-eaten apple in the cushion. I laughed, she hissed, and then I ran away.
And woke up, having almost overslept for work! Wah, wah.