- Nick

$200
This blogger frequently barfs into the tub while clipping his talons and shitting on the toilet from his big bottom.

$400
This blogger once made out with a hot dog with her big bottom lips but then realized it was really a hot monkey-dog and hasn’t made out with it since.

$600
This blogger blows up balloons by farting into them, pushing the air in her multiple stomachs out through her big bottom.

$800
This blogger prefers big black cock in his big bottom.

$1000
This blogger fucks women because he wants to be one and because he’s a big bottom.

Out of nowhere, mid-convo, she says:
“I am taking the worst shit right now.”

Oh and congrats to his mom for hitting the bullseye on her Ursula costume.

Below is the man I recently blocked on grindr, after having the following conversation (?) with him. My replies are in orange, his are blue.

I stayed home from work yesterday coz I could barely move. I thought i had a sprained ankle coz I couldn’t move it or stand on it and it hurt like hell. Kept it up and on ice all day and it’s pretty ok now so I think it was just sore. But add to that: blister on foot, bloody nail on toe, floor burns on shin and knee, three bruises on palm of hand, and ball burns on forearms. Sore shoulders, forearms, elbows, feet, and quads.

Seriously I hope I can even stand up off this toilet when I’m done peeing out of my ass.

No, literally. Hog. There are so many goddamn disasters on this shit I don’t know who to choose from! Here are the ones I’m still considering for Shawnito — tell me who I should hook her up with, y’all!

The Conductor

The Blue-Haired Monster, Part 1

The Patriot

The Merman

The Jeweler

The Dog Whisperer

Gary Ke$ha

The Dirty Twat

Austin Scarlett

The Perfect Angle

Mystique Summers-Madison

Anne Heche

The Blue-Haired Monster, Part 2

The Frolicker

Top Too Lucky to Paint Coffee; Beer-Martini Forks a Jet in French Rainbows?

Academy Award Winner, Mo’Nique

Francis Buxton

Wow. I can’t think of a book I’ve read recently that could even dream of standing up to this one in greatness. Tinkers comes close — and is actually probably heavily inspired by Agee — but, let’s be real. I mean, this shiz was simply amazing. A semi-autobiographical story of how a small family in Tennessee copes with the death of one of their own, A Death in the Family is heartbreaking from the very beginning. Told through the experience of most of the novel’s characters, Agee’s writing is magnificent in the way he weaves in and out of each character’s inner & outer dialogue. In one moment we know what a character wants to say, and in the next we see him say something entirely different out of social grace. In the minds of the two children we are able to understand the confusion of an adolescent who must learn what death is, while also dealing with typical childhood problems – sibling rivalry, school bullying, and parental appreciation. In the adults we learn of their religious and/or atheistic justifications for death, and how simplistic either explanation of life can actually be. A character-driven novel, A Death in the Family is moving & universal; Agee’s characters are inspiring, and his talent for description top of the mark.

I just can’t recommend this book enough. But if you pick it up, have a sympathetic heart because it’s not an easy read emotionally.

Notable excerpt:

“Joel, I know that God in a wheelbarrow wouldn’t convince you,” his sister said. “We aren’t even trying to convince you. But while you’re being so rational, why at least please be rational enough to realize that we experienced what we experienced.”

Me: no you didn’t.

Friend: I did.

Me: you held their penis?

Friend: I did.

These bitches absolutely kill me. I ran through three episodes last night to catch up on the season and couldn’t believe some of the ridiculous things they said! I could have sworn I was actually watching the D@2 Girls Club based on these quotes:

- One girl goes out with a few others while the others pack her bags and throw ‘em outside, telling her she needs to leave coz majority rules. She comes home to find this and says: “It’s like a hate crime. A modern day hate crime.”

- Randomly one girl says: “Everybody is so into themselves and so diluted.”

- Another girl had a birthday two days before they moved in and stupidly thought she could wait to celebrate with the girls in the house. They told her off, but later wished her happy bday, to which she replied: “Oh it’s delated. It’s not a big deal.”

- They go to a bar with a stripper pole, and a bitch says: “All I see when I look up is money everywhere. I feel so at home. I approve.”

- In confessional one bitch says: “I’m here to party and have a good time. For me, that’s going out and dancing, and hooking up with whoever’s around.”

- The Catholic girl gets a tattoo with the other girls, knowing it’ll piss her mom off. Later, on the phone, they have this conversation:
Bitch – Mommy, don’t be mad at me.
Mommy – You know what? You’re 24 years old and you act like an idiot.
Bitch – Does this mean I can’t get a puppy?
… later in the conversation …
Bitch – It’s not like I’m Jewish! If I was Jewish I couldn’t get buried somewhere with you.

Kill.
Ling.
Me.

“I left my farmers market fruit in the women’s room yesterday and it looks like someone took it.”

Wait, what the! Who the freak takes food into a semi-public bathroom?! I hope whoever “took” it actually just deemed it immediately inedible and threw that funk away!

Or i hope the janitor ate it.

She’s given up on LoseIt to cut out pounds and has instead begun the extreme SleepOnStreets diet as evidenced by this paparazzi shot of her taken this morning on Montgomery and Sutter, just a block from Escape from New York pizza and multiple fro-yo shops.

Luckily when I returned home she was there packing up some last minute stuff. When she went outside to load her car i had just enough time to hide it one of her things! I hope it went to storage and she finds it in 6 months.