Posts by Benutty

Yeah! What DOES That Make You?

Apparently it was Ke$ha that said this, and NOT Gary-Ke$ha as originally assumed by national media:

“I have a song I wrote the other night called Take It Off about when I went to a drag show and how really turned on I was by these transvestite men taking clothes off. I was like, what does that even make me?”

It makes you Alfie.

Benutty’s G’damn Bucket List

Fine. I’ll do it.

Benutty’s Bucket List:

  • be on Survivor and/or Big Brother and/or Amazing Race
  • go to a World Cup game
  • live in Manhattan
  • become a published author
  • perform in drag at a bar/in public

And for the hell of it…

Benutty’s Fuckit List:

  • Landon Donovan
  • Jay-Z
  • The Rock
  • Alcide
  • George Clooney

Preparations, or Tranny Hot Mess Dialogue

Benutty
On my way to the variety shop oops

Nick
What!!! Girl! Loves it!

Benutty
I need a new bra and some Nyx cosmetics lol. And maybe a few weaves.

Nick
Oh girl. Get me a cheap bra. I’ll pay you back.

Benutty
Just a plain black one? Or flesh?

Nick
Prefer black but whatever will do.

Benutty
K I’m getting black too!!

Nick
Hunns!

Benutty
I’ll bedazzle yours

Nick
No one is going to see it

Benutty
But you’ll know it’s shiny and cute!

Nick
Haha. Whatever you choose. Choose your poison.

Benutty
OMG its so crowded here lol

Nick
Girl. The gays love it

Benutty
Gays and Chinese great grandmas

Nick
Exactly

Recipe for Staying Single: Make a Contract with Your Lover!

It wasn’t and never will be classy to make that guy you just started dating two days ago sign a contract of intended commitment! And as evidence of how not classy I was in 2003, here’s an example of a contract I made this one fool Elijah sign!

It reads:

I, Elijah, agree to work in hundred-hundred partnership with Benutty, current sole proprietor of Unreal, Inc., and Unreal, International, and 21st Century Unreal. I understand that after the self-instated probation period of an agreed upon term of one month, having begun on Wednesday, the 19th of February in the year 2003 and ending on Friday, the 21st of March in the year 2003, I will be handed another contract, a Contract of Commitment, at which I will decide whether to commit myself to the aforementioned companies and become co-owner along with Benutty or to disembark on this journey, to instead another probation period, or to make it real (which would be horrible). I understand that until Friday, the 21st of March in the year 2003, I am under no obligation to the aforementioned companies and I have the right to negotiate with other companies. This contract is in no way binding.

x____(signed)_____

WHAT THE FUCK?! Someone should have killed me.

And why the hell did I keep this for SEVEN YEARS?!

Not classy. Single. Lame fucktard.

UrinalTweet

My pee has ne’er smelled more of coffee than it does today. Thank you.

Benutty’s Book Review: Tinkers

(Paul Harding, 2009)

Winner of the 2010 Pulitzer Prize for Fiction, Tinkers is the story of a man on his deathbed, falling inside himself to recount the memories of his childhood that involve his epileptic father. While sweet in its examination of the trials of life and death, Harding’s simple writing style also gives way to a haunting & melancholy tone. The metaphor of the universe as a clock — we as ants marching across a face of time that we can only wonder at the immensity of, while below us, unknowingly, gears and mechanisms spin and turn, guiding the meaning our lives — is beautiful in its simplicity. A lot like Cunningham’s The Hours, Tinkers brings together a small cast of characters (this time men) who discover fear, regret, and helplessness in a regressive movement of time through memory. Harding has a great ability to describe in a new way the universal curiosities of all of us — those about nature, disease, fatherhood, and life & death.

I can’t recommend this book enough. I absolutely adore it. It’s simple, heartbreaking, life-affirming, and magical. Perfect with a glass of white zin, a shawl, a brooch and a wood-burning fireplace. Don’t finish it while in public. You’ll want to let yourself cry it out and relish in the sweet & depressing emotion of it!

Notable excerpt:

Your cold mornings are filled with the heartache about the fact that although we are not at ease in this world, it is all we have, that it is ours but that it is full of strife, so that all we can call our own is strife… rejoice that your uncertainty is God’s will… and part of a greater certainty… be comforted in the fact that the ache in your heart and the confusion in your soul means that you are still alive, still human, and still open to the beauty of the world…

An Amazing Amazing Race, or Fall of an Empire!

OMG. I’m still in bed because I can’t move. Two days later. Nick’s Amazing Race was truly amazing. He pulled it off way better than I thought the little nugget could and I’m so proud of him. Secretly I think he only wanted to do it so that Gary Jr. and I would be forced to exercise. I’m also proud of my teammate, Alfie, for putting up with my slow-out-of-shape ass!

We talked hella shit going into the race and, well, karma bit Team So Hairy It’s Scary in the ass. No, actually, karma ate out our entire ass. We made all the wrong moves, but were so sure of ourselves the entire time! HA! As evidence, please enjoy a compilation of our best worst decisions along the race. And sorry in advance to all the people we hated on along the race.

Every Amazing Race needs the d-bag team of two young guys, right? Glad we could be ‘em.

Whorsion of the 3rin

You may or may not care know yet, but 3rin is moving in with her boyfriend, JP, and so we’re parting ways as roommates this month. While I was running walking the Amazing Race with Alfie yesterday, she was moving most of her shit out of the apartment.

Pause for backstory:
Last summer when I moved in, 3rin’s old roommate had left me a present, the video cassette version of “The Passion of the Christ.” No one cares, but it was an inside joke between her and her roommate and they thought it’d be madly funny to leave it for me since they didn’t want it. Little did they know I LOVE that movie, and already had it on DVD. So I gave it back, mostly because I knew they didn’t want it and were trying to mindlessly pawn it off on the new doll faggot in their lives.

Cut to me coming home yesterday, sore as all hell from trying to jog up the hill at Fort Mason looking for Gary’s ass the cannon, and finding that damn video cassette not cleverly hidden behind our water heater.

Oh hell no! I took that shit and stuffed it in 3rin’s denim drawer! Since she’s a major hoarder (and will actually be appearing on the show Hoarder’s next season) she probably won’t find it for a couple years! Hahahaha stupid bitch.

Smelly Like-uh Alcohol

This is what happens when I run out of blue cheese burritos and escape out from under the bridge.

Watch out, auntie-moms.

And don’t think I won’t push a bitch down & outta my way when I’m mad!!

Coz I will.

2010 World Cup Our Balls!

Congratulations to the first ever World Cup Our Balls champions — SPAIN!!! Spain has so many hot players. Villa, Fabregas, Valdes, Casillo, Torres! OMG. But not Puyol. Oops. Definitely the hottest team in the tournament.

Ooooh la la papi come over to mami, yes. Huhhhhnnn cup your balls then spin around like a dancing queen in my bedroom. Naked. Yes. Spain. Ole! Moo.

And the Golden Booty was a tie, bitches. Because Gary Jr. didn’t vote. But since I run this shit, I get to break the tie.

FABREGAS wins!! Yay. Hot. Hottest player in the tournament to be exact. And he wants his own show…

Shouldn’t Have Said It Then

Nick is a bitch, but Gary Jr. is still mad at me for ruining her and everyone else’s Marina and the Diamonds experience so I had to talk to Nick today.

Monday July 12, 12:30 pm

Benutty
i wanna bring over the strobe light and maybe we can put my performance songs into iMovie and see what we’re working with

Nick
you should just come over tonight stupid bitch..  no one ever sees you anymore..

Benutty
oh you cow
and excuse me i see you all the time

Nick
eoh

Benutty
and Alfie doesnt see me because Alfie is a little “i dont return text messages” bitch
and Jay likes not seeing me

Nick
oh..  yea
lol

Benutty
bam
“bam” is the new “that’s right, i said it.”

Nick
um.. thats so 5 years ago emeril lagasse

Benutty
hello, trends rotate!

Nick
not that quickly
thats right.. i said it

2010 World Cup Our Balls: Hottest Players (THE FINALS!)

The actual World Cup games end this weekend, so it is only fitting (and let’s hope it fits!) that the World Cup Our Balls tournament closes this weekend, too.

The final two teams, United States and Spain, have their hottest three players ready for the showdown.

Who wins, y’all?! Which freaking team is the freaking hottest?

UNITED STATES
Carlos Bocanegra
Benny Feilhaber
Landon Donovan

or

SPAIN
Victor Valdes
Cesc Fabregas
David Villa

Also:

Who deserves the Golden Booty for being the HOTTEST goddamn player in the freaking tournament??

Bocanegra - United States
Feilhaber – United States
Fabregas – Spain
Villa – Spain
Boateng – Ghana
Veloso – Portugal
Afellay – Netherlands
Higuain – Argentina

2010 World Cup Our Balls: Hottest Players (Semifinals)

What!! This shits is almost over (cry, cry) and we’re down to the final four teams, each of whom have thrown up their final hottie to make their way into the finals. In the finals, each team will show the three guys they’ve shown thusfar to help us determine who is the hottest team. Hollerdaise sauce!

Match 13: United States vs. Netherlands

DONOVAN

SNEIJDER

Match 14: Argentina vs. Spain

RODRIGUEZ

VILLA

Who wins in the following matches y’all?

Match 13: Donovan or Sneijder?
Match 14: Rodriguez or Villa?

Nick is a Drunk Bitch

That’s right. I said it.

So hat?! Who ares?!

Eat It Now or Take It to Go?