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Posts by Alfie
Look Into My Crystal Balls
Nov 25th
I have always been a “take it as it comes” sort of person when it came to my future. I have ideas and dreams just like anybody else, but really I take life one day at a time and let the opportunities come to me. That’s how I ended up in my current dead end job. I have been distraught and confused lately, so I did what any sensible person does, I went to a fortune teller and asked her to share with me my future. She read my palm and some tarot cards, silent the whole time with a smirk on her face. She told me that I had two choices. “If you take control of your life, grow some balls, follow your dreams, set realistic goals, you have all the power to become the man you’ve always wanted to be. BUT, if you remain a slave to your girlfriends standards, then you will become the man she has always wanted you to be. She then pulled the velvet cover off of her crystal ball and revealed to me my future
The Official 2010 Holiday Drink of Hunnies
Nov 23rd
Those of you who know the members of the Haus of Hunnnies well, know that we have many many many loves for many many many different types of alcohols. Whether it’s Benutty’s standard or cum filled cocktails, Gary Jr/Misha’s home brewed beer, wine, or of course CHAMPS, we love our booze. Well given the special attention that some of us have been paying to craft brewery’s and venues such as Beer Revolution I thought that this particular new invention in the beer world would spark all of our attention this holiday season!
What!? A craft beer that drinks like champs! Could it really be true!? I WILL find this and I will pay the $20.00 for the bottle, and it will be toasted and enjoyed by all!
This is my life…
Nov 6th
While sitting on the couch Thursday night having just finished our dinner and answering questions to the Double Jeopardy round aloud, Kitty and I heard the cats running all about in the other room. Just as the noise caught our attention Bean shot out of the hallway did three back flips, two somersaults, a Neo like wall walk across all three windows in the corner and ran back out of the room. She was being chased and she was terrified. As she ran out of the room Kitty looked at me to confirm that I had also seen poop fling from her ass as she left. Kitty being the caring mother that she is ran after her to make sure she was alright. What was chasing my poor cat? Her own poop, strung like popcorn on a long black hair (presumably Kitty’s) which she had some how ingested. The floppy poop kabob was still stuck partially in her ass and she was running from it, leaving a trail of poop along every wall and window in her path. As the housewife in my non-traditional heterosexual relationship.. I was quickly assigned to clean it up. Kitty offered to help, but by the time the cleaning was finished (and really as soon as I had started) she was nowhere in sight. As I walked into the living room with the moist brown paper towels in my hand, there was my lovely girlfriend with her wine in her hand and a smile on her face: “Final Jeopardy was good, you would have like it.”
My friends all warned me that this is what I was signing up for when I chose to live with my girlfriend and two cats… hat tip to you gentlemen.
If you read all the way to the bottom of this post you can see me naked.
Oct 14th
So I understand you have to be pretty dumb to open an e-mail with bad grammar, no punctuation, a vague subject line, and a shady link. So, if your the mastermind of viruses and your writing one of these e-mails, you probably realize that as well and allow yourself some creative flexibility when you write these things up. At the end of the day, I would like to believe that the main reason these viruses spread is not because people believe there are actually randoms sending them nude photos, or cousins they have never met in need of money, but the fact that we have all developed an addiction for the mystery of a link. That blue text, it’s like finding an unlocked door with a sign that says do not enter, the child in us HAS to open it. Anyway… knowing all of that… still… I was quite amazed at the text in the poetic spam-mail i received today:
—heyyy my friends and I located u get this to earn between $398 and $5,840 monthly nobody believes this is possible until we all saw the software since i began money has only increased. you are simply required sign up for the application click here to see it (this was the link) The ground mayor blinks over my balance. A brick sink tries beside my literal muck. Hestia buttfuck A slave stirs into a lively pocket. anabal A public gene enters. brahmin —
No I did not open it.
Alfies Bucket List
Jul 28th
Eight things and two people I want to do before I die:
- Ride my bike across the country and back.
- Visit Lebanon/Syria
- Visit Portugal
- Become a certified sommelier
- Ride Paris-Brest Paris
- Go to a 49ers Superbowl
- Learn a second language
- Backpack across the entire John Muir Trail
- Gary jr.
- Alexis Bledel
Stupid Bitches
Jul 22nd
Background: Kitty goes to USF Law School which of course means there are lots of stupid stuck up bitches in her class. One of her classmates who I have met multiple times and don’t care much for because she is all drama – and not the fun kind of drama like whispering to Gary Jr. “Oh my god did you see Benutty’s vagina sweat after the race”, but real drama — is from Seattle. Multiple times I have had or overheard Kitty have the conversation with her about Ballard (a suburb of Seattle) and specifically Kings Hardware, a bar that Kitty’s brother helped open and has always managed. Every time this comes up she makes the comment “oh yeah, Ballard is fun but I like it up on the hill better” and doesn’t show much enthusiasm.
So….recently while Kitty was perusing Playboy.com for hot naked ladies, she stumbled upon some really cool news. Playboy just released a list of its favorite bars across America and their choice for the best bar in Seattle was Kings Hardware! Like any proud sister would do she posted a link to the article on facebook. Well then this same bitch writes about how she always hangs out right around there and loves the bar and probably knows all the same people as her brother, and just peeing all over everything to claim it as hers.
I hate Stupid Bitches – not the Haus of Hunnies kind of Stupid Bitches– but the seriously Stupid Bitches.
Question of the Week (07/20 – 07/26)
Jul 21st
This week’s question was asked by Calipeach of Palmdale, CA:
I’d like each of you to give three guesses as to what Gary Jr. might find hiding in his belly flap. Of course if three guesses is not enough, by all means give as many as needed?
This is actually a really cryptic story. Gary Jr’s belly flap rivals the Bermuda Triangle and UFO’s in both mystery and the ability to make objects disappear. Have you ever set something down, and it just wasn’t there? Have you ever done laundry and lost a sock? Have you ever heard of the lost Island of ATLANTIS? The missing settlers of Roanoke?
I don’t mean to start conspiracy’s but.. I think i know where Osama bin Laden is hiding!
I’m just saying.
__________________
Stay tuned for the other responses this week.
Good Movies and Bad Movies
Jun 21st
BAD MOVIES
Now, to start off with a caveat, I am no major movie buff and have no credentials to critic anybody but… What fucking moron Hollywood dickhead decided it was a good idea to take two washed up Hollywood actors who have only made bad spy movies for the last decade and put them in a spy movie together. In the past decade this is what we have gotten:
a) Comic Book Movies ( i.e. X-men, X-men two, X-men three, The Hulk, Iron Man, Iron Man two, Batman Begins)
b) Sequels and Prequels (i.e. X-men, X-men two, X-men three, The Hulk, Iron Man, Iron Man two, Batman Begins, The Dark Knight, Star Trek, Toy story 3, Shrek 4)
Now though, we’ve hit a new low… combining old bad plots to make new movies!
I mean… isn’t Knight and Day really just going to be a combination of Charlies Angles meets Mission Impossible? This movie WILL suck!
GOOD MOVIES
On a brighter note, Nick recently introduced me to an amazing movie: Hedwig and the Angry Inch!!! This movie was awesome. It was funny, unique, original, and … A MUSICAL! I love it.
Lost Characters
May 20th
After burning through the first 5 seasons of lost as of late, I have been thinking about The Island a lot. So many mysteries, so many characters.
With only a few minutes of free time at work (not enough to watch an episode) I have decided to type up a few lists.
Top 5 Best Characters (rated by entertainment value)
5.Sayid
4. Locke
3. Ben
2. Hurley
1. Sawyer
Notice that the best characters are all men? So how about some love for the ladies. Not that there is a large pool of attractive women in lost but, here is are my five favorite, with Nick’s ranking system attached.
5. Claire – 3
4. Alex – 4 (I know she is 16 in the show, but in real life Tanya Ramonde is 22!)
3. Anna Lucia – 5
2. Naomi -5
1. Kate -5
The top three are all bombshells worth the poop. Kate’s mousiness is just too much for me to resist.
Baptism and Godparents.
Apr 1st
Yesterday, a friend of mine invited me to her new cousins baptism. I have my thoughts about baptism and religion and so do you, but lets put them aside, and jettison to the real purpose of this post. I inquired about what exactly is a baptism? What happens at a Baptism? I’ve only been to two in my life, my twin brothers and my own. Needless to say, I don’t remember them. Anyway, my friend filled in the blanks for me and also mentioned that her mother had been named the child’s God Mother. I got to thinking…
Years from now, if I have a child my wife may want to have a baptism. BUT… I have some great ideas. My thought is… Make it a party and invite all of our friends. And… who gets to do the honors of dunking my first born child in holy water? Which ever of my friends has the best arm. Why not set up one these. We’ll just get the priest, or bishop, or whoever does the baptism to bless the water before hand. My babies mama (in a white tee-shirt of course) will sit with the baby on the chair and there we go. Every guest has to take a shot, or chug a beer, spin around three times and then you get two pitches. If you’re aim is good, you baptize my child and get a peek at the mothers nips.
Serious stuff now. I also thought a lot about this Godmother business. I asked my friend about it and she informed me that it is supposed to be someone who is practicing the faith. None of my friends for sure. But that’s when I got my next good idea. My child will have a Godmother, sure sure, somebody to help pay for college and teach him/her life lessons. But what about street smarts? Singing lessons? How to open a champagne bottle? Those lessons will come from my child’s Fairy God Mothers. Like sleeping beauty he/she will have three:
Gary Jr, Benutty, and Nick.
Lastly, while I am assigning extraneous positions to my children. I shall also position Jay as my child’s God Steward. If my child has a problem with our parenting, feels that chores are too heavy or allowance is too low for said chores, grievances will be filed through Jay.