Next stop… Whores!
Posts by Alfie
A bad day in Benutty’s world
Apr 28th
This comic instantly made me think of Benutty.
The question is what would Benutty actually do:
a) pinch it off and run to recover his phone with his pants around his ankle
b) Braid his leg hairs
c) Sing pop songs
I declare Shinanigans
Mar 18th
How is it that Gary Jr, Nick, and Benutty know exactly what is going to happen week after week, season after season on American Idol? You bitches must be cheating!
I think you should start a business, you could be one of those gambling advisers like in that one terrible movie, with that terrible actor.
Except instead of sports betting you could sell American Idol picks to people like me who fail to understand the mindset of the American Idol watching public but still insist on putting money on any type of pool related gambling opportunity. Then you open up a full business in Vegas, instead of sports its Reality TV betting. Survivor and American Idol both work obviously, but there is so much more potential.
Anyway, back to my original point. I think you cheating.
–Alfie
Chinese Candy
Feb 18th
The very sweet and very lovely housekeeper who cleans my office every morning, has a second job at an Asian grocery store and often brings us treats (usually produce). Today she brought in the candy you see pictured above. “Black sesame dragon beard candy”. Now I will try anything once and most things twice but what made me very nervous was when I flipped over the box to find out what was in the candy and it had the following warning on the box:
1. Avoid Direct Sunlight (ummmm…. like Mogwai!?
2. Don’t store in warm or humid places
3. Consume as soon as the package is opened. (What if i take a breath? Should I open the package as close to my mouth as possible to avoid oxygenation?
Then it gets more confusing. I’m already scared and confused so I need to know what’s in these things. But all it is is: Sugar, peanuts, cocounut, cornflour and olive oil… Well that sounds like a mounds bar and those don’t come with warnings!
Even if it didn’t have peanuts… I wouldn’t eat this.
A toast
Feb 14th
As I was stumbling at work today (actually 30 seconds ago) I came across this toast online and I was amazed at how poetically fitting it was to this group.
Here’s Champagne to our real friends
and real pain to our sham friends.
Drag Queens and History
Feb 8th
Because I was a History Major and for 3/4th of a second a Masters student at SFSU, I am on a few e-mail lists and get history spam mail from time to time of sometimes interesting but otherwise not so exciting events, speakers, etc. Well today I received another e-mail regarding another somewhat interesting — but not quite interesting enough to go to event — about the New Deal in San Francisco.
But then… this caught my eye! An Annual Pilgrimage to Emperor Norton’s Grave hosted by two fabulous drag queens.
Plus Free Coffee and Pastries. Who’s in?
Where Do All The Discarded Dolls Go?
Jan 26th
When dolls are good, live full lives, treat their doll makers with respect they get to go to doll heaven — Also known as Nick’s parents house. But what if a doll is ugly and evil, or warn out from Gary Jr and Misha’s sexcapades.. where do those dolls go?
Well those dolls apparently go to Mexico.
Living with Kitty(s)
Jan 25th
As all of you know Kitty was given her nickname because of her unhealthy affection for all the cats of the earth. She talks to our cats, she plays with them like they are dolls, dresses them up on holidays and tells them not to play with their food. Last week when she was in one of her silly moods she was making our larger cat “bean” dance on her hind legs, laughing to herself and screaming at me to watch. “LOOK! LOOK AT BEAN DANCE!!! SHE IS SO GOOD!” Then, still holding her under the forearms, she lifts bean up to attack a small bug circling around the ceiling light. Then without missing a beat, this image must have popped into her head as loud as she could she screamed: “AHHH SVAANNANA VISANGANATTTTIII CALLLIWAAAA ASHADADA!” by which of course she meant “Nants ingonyama bagithi baba”. I laughed, then thought to myself: this is my life now.
The Pros and Cons of Using Ribbed Condoms While Having Butt Sex with Gary Jr and Why I Love Glitter!
Jan 8th
Once upon a time I drew a snowman with Elmers glue in Mrs. Smiths 2nd grade class room, then immediately added gold glitter to the entire paper, I then lifted it up over a trash can, and watch the golden snow shower sparkle into the trash can leaving only a golden snowman on the page. That was the moment I fell in love with glitter. I went on a rampage. I drew nonsense on paper with glue, covered them with liberal amounts of Gods greatest gift to gays, and made my friends guess what was underneath. “A Train” they would guess (as if that was the logical step from three circles barely resembling a now man) or “A Bike”, “A Shoe”, then I would lift the page up to my mouth and blow the glitter all across the room unveiling some easy to draw shape like a star or a stick figure on the page and delightedly said: Nope. You suck, its a star. Glitter=Glam.
The short of it… As I matured, so did the uses I found for glitter, but the same rules still applied. A sticky substance was placed, dripped, or somehow dispensed onto a surface, glitter was added and then a shape was revealed in sparkling wonder. As adults, we understand that Art need not be recognizable or explained so, mystery shapes are made. In fact, sometimes the meaning is better when it is comes after the art, when we derive the meaning from analyzing what we created.
What was the point of that suggestive blurb, well it is necessary background to understanding the pro’s and cons of using ribbed condoms when having butt sex with Gary Jr…
The best part of sex with Gary Jr…is the size of the canvas. When the act is done, at least when done properly, violently and well lubbed, those sexy hams are covered in lube, or other sticky substances. Well logically glitter is applied, Gary Jr. is made to stand up and then art is revealed! Misha will soon be in the MOMA if the camera is ever found. But… I digress. Ribbed vs smooth condoms simply produce different splatter and dispersment of the mess upon the canvas. When held up to drip lube rolls off of a ribbed condom differently. There really is no pros or cons per say, just different brushes with which to create art.
Playoff Predictions
Jan 4th
When the Giants don’t make the playoffs, I never really watch baseball playoffs until the World Series. The same is true about basketball, just give me the finals. Why, you ask? Because watching best of 5 and best of 7 series are painful. The same teams take 3 weeks to finish a series and that just gets you to the second round. Blah.
The NFL however is great. I would shit standing up for a whole year if it meant the Niners would be contenders again, but none the less even without them NFL playoffs are by far the best. One loss and you go home. Every game is the last game of the season for one team and so every game is amazing. In fact, usually there is at least one game every year which is more exciting than the Superbowl.I CAN”T WAIT! Here are my predictions:
Round One:
AFC:
Jets over Colts (This one will be close)
Ravens over Chiefs
NFC:
Packers upset Philly (Dog lovers everywhere rejoice)
Saints destroy the Seahawks (This one will be close for about 6 minutes)
More to come next week!
Best of 2010
Dec 31st
2010 ends in about 3 1/2 hours and I’m still waiting for Amy to get ready so I can go party with everybody who will read this. So, while I have a few minutes… lets recap 2010.
Firstly, I would like to admit that I did not fully reach my 2010 resolution to ride 100miles in one day. While I did rack up a fair amount of miles the most I did in one day was 72 around Lake Tahoe. So my 2011 resolution is: 4,000 total miles and to ride every last mile of the Aids LifeCycle.
Amy asked me to make my resolution to stop saying “rude” things to her. In response I asked her to make her resolution to do more “rude” things to me. I got slapped.
To close, lets talk about what lessons we learned in 2010:
1. Blogging takes more energy than I thought, but I’m getting better.
2. The San Francisco Giants are as good as we thought they could be!
3. The San Francisco 49ers are Not anywhere near as good as we thought they could be. In fact, they suck and they are going backwards.
4. Moving in with your lover does not mean more sex, it only means packing bags less often.
5. Reality TV without Vampires or Drag Queens is not worth watching.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Admit it..
Dec 17th
Ever since you went to see the Golden Girls X-mas special you have talked in a southern woman’s voice more often!
I know I do.