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Posts by Alfie
Alfies Bucket List
Jul 28th
Eight things and two people I want to do before I die:
- Ride my bike across the country and back.
- Visit Lebanon/Syria
- Visit Portugal
- Become a certified sommelier
- Ride Paris-Brest Paris
- Go to a 49ers Superbowl
- Learn a second language
- Backpack across the entire John Muir Trail
- Gary jr.
- Alexis Bledel
Stupid Bitches
Jul 22nd
Background: Kitty goes to USF Law School which of course means there are lots of stupid stuck up bitches in her class. One of her classmates who I have met multiple times and don’t care much for because she is all drama – and not the fun kind of drama like whispering to Gary Jr. “Oh my god did you see Benutty’s vagina sweat after the race”, but real drama — is from Seattle. Multiple times I have had or overheard Kitty have the conversation with her about Ballard (a suburb of Seattle) and specifically Kings Hardware, a bar that Kitty’s brother helped open and has always managed. Every time this comes up she makes the comment “oh yeah, Ballard is fun but I like it up on the hill better” and doesn’t show much enthusiasm.
So….recently while Kitty was perusing Playboy.com for hot naked ladies, she stumbled upon some really cool news. Playboy just released a list of its favorite bars across America and their choice for the best bar in Seattle was Kings Hardware! Like any proud sister would do she posted a link to the article on facebook. Well then this same bitch writes about how she always hangs out right around there and loves the bar and probably knows all the same people as her brother, and just peeing all over everything to claim it as hers.
I hate Stupid Bitches – not the Haus of Hunnies kind of Stupid Bitches– but the seriously Stupid Bitches.
Question of the Week (07/20 – 07/26)
Jul 21st
This week’s question was asked by Calipeach of Palmdale, CA:
I’d like each of you to give three guesses as to what Gary Jr. might find hiding in his belly flap. Of course if three guesses is not enough, by all means give as many as needed?
This is actually a really cryptic story. Gary Jr’s belly flap rivals the Bermuda Triangle and UFO’s in both mystery and the ability to make objects disappear. Have you ever set something down, and it just wasn’t there? Have you ever done laundry and lost a sock? Have you ever heard of the lost Island of ATLANTIS? The missing settlers of Roanoke?
I don’t mean to start conspiracy’s but.. I think i know where Osama bin Laden is hiding!
I’m just saying.
__________________
Stay tuned for the other responses this week.
Good Movies and Bad Movies
Jun 21st
BAD MOVIES
Now, to start off with a caveat, I am no major movie buff and have no credentials to critic anybody but… What fucking moron Hollywood dickhead decided it was a good idea to take two washed up Hollywood actors who have only made bad spy movies for the last decade and put them in a spy movie together. In the past decade this is what we have gotten:
a) Comic Book Movies ( i.e. X-men, X-men two, X-men three, The Hulk, Iron Man, Iron Man two, Batman Begins)
b) Sequels and Prequels (i.e. X-men, X-men two, X-men three, The Hulk, Iron Man, Iron Man two, Batman Begins, The Dark Knight, Star Trek, Toy story 3, Shrek 4)
Now though, we’ve hit a new low… combining old bad plots to make new movies!
I mean… isn’t Knight and Day really just going to be a combination of Charlies Angles meets Mission Impossible? This movie WILL suck!
GOOD MOVIES
On a brighter note, Nick recently introduced me to an amazing movie: Hedwig and the Angry Inch!!! This movie was awesome. It was funny, unique, original, and … A MUSICAL! I love it.
Lost Characters
May 20th
After burning through the first 5 seasons of lost as of late, I have been thinking about The Island a lot. So many mysteries, so many characters.
With only a few minutes of free time at work (not enough to watch an episode) I have decided to type up a few lists.
Top 5 Best Characters (rated by entertainment value)
5.Sayid
4. Locke
3. Ben
2. Hurley
1. Sawyer
Notice that the best characters are all men? So how about some love for the ladies. Not that there is a large pool of attractive women in lost but, here is are my five favorite, with Nick’s ranking system attached.
5. Claire – 3
4. Alex – 4 (I know she is 16 in the show, but in real life Tanya Ramonde is 22!)
3. Anna Lucia – 5
2. Naomi -5
1. Kate -5
The top three are all bombshells worth the poop. Kate’s mousiness is just too much for me to resist.
Baptism and Godparents.
Apr 1st
Yesterday, a friend of mine invited me to her new cousins baptism. I have my thoughts about baptism and religion and so do you, but lets put them aside, and jettison to the real purpose of this post. I inquired about what exactly is a baptism? What happens at a Baptism? I’ve only been to two in my life, my twin brothers and my own. Needless to say, I don’t remember them. Anyway, my friend filled in the blanks for me and also mentioned that her mother had been named the child’s God Mother. I got to thinking…
Years from now, if I have a child my wife may want to have a baptism. BUT… I have some great ideas. My thought is… Make it a party and invite all of our friends. And… who gets to do the honors of dunking my first born child in holy water? Which ever of my friends has the best arm. Why not set up one these. We’ll just get the priest, or bishop, or whoever does the baptism to bless the water before hand. My babies mama (in a white tee-shirt of course) will sit with the baby on the chair and there we go. Every guest has to take a shot, or chug a beer, spin around three times and then you get two pitches. If you’re aim is good, you baptize my child and get a peek at the mothers nips.
Serious stuff now. I also thought a lot about this Godmother business. I asked my friend about it and she informed me that it is supposed to be someone who is practicing the faith. None of my friends for sure. But that’s when I got my next good idea. My child will have a Godmother, sure sure, somebody to help pay for college and teach him/her life lessons. But what about street smarts? Singing lessons? How to open a champagne bottle? Those lessons will come from my child’s Fairy God Mothers. Like sleeping beauty he/she will have three:
Gary Jr, Benutty, and Nick.
Lastly, while I am assigning extraneous positions to my children. I shall also position Jay as my child’s God Steward. If my child has a problem with our parenting, feels that chores are too heavy or allowance is too low for said chores, grievances will be filed through Jay.
MAMA Cow… American Mess Gold Medal Winner
Mar 16th
As all of you loyal readers know, Nick has been making great strides on his new years resolution to lose weight! Down, down, down he goes. For most Americans above 125lbs, especially in the image conscious land of California, down is the direction we set our weightless goals…
…But not this fat bitch! In Jersey they go the other way. UP UP UP.
She makes Cows and Trolls look like runway models. She could eat the entire cast of Jersey Shores and she couldn’t be more proud of her petite figure.
How does she afford all that food you might ask:
“Simpson’s main source of income to support herself financially is by appearing on a Web site where men pay to watch videos of her gorging on food and showing off her hundreds of pounds of extra bulge in a bikini”
The Truth about Gary Jr and Alfie…
Feb 12th
Dear Gary Jr.,
While I had a few free moments at work today I decided to check my google reader. In that reader I have an RSS feed for D@2 (anybody who is anybody has this set up) and I read all new postings which I had not read since the last time I read the blog (yesterday). After reading the AMAZING story of Nicks kettle corn from beginning to end because it is possibly the greatest date story every. (Yes Nick, it was a date Benutty was right. No Benutty that disgusting event does not count as “nerves” and so it doesnt fit Nicks rules so he is also right).
Oh yeah so obviously I pulled that last bit from the comment section. The thing about the comment section Mr. Jr. is… that I read them as much as I do the blog.
Lastly, as to your accusations about our sexual relations. I do admit that our friendship is greater than that of others and was in fact so strong that it was worthy of documentation and the basis for a television show. 
However I want to appologize that you were under the impression that this friendship was something more. Although it is clear your utters leak milk for me, the feelings are not mutual. Plucking my tail feathers and tickling your hole with them does not count as a mutual sexual experience… it is just an expression of your dillusional belief in our relationship.
With the deepest hate and respect,
Alfie
Alfies Crystal Ball
Feb 7th
We’ll I didn’t watch that many movies this year… but I did watch a lot of football. So here is a prediction from Alfie!
The thing about Superbowl predictions are…everybody has to make one! If your wrong nobody remembers or cares because lets face it, there is traditionally a fair amount of beer and excitement that usually accompanies this event. If you’re right or close… you won’t forget to point it out to all your friends and you get to brag about it for a few weeks to everybody you know. Don’t be this guy though:
“Did you watch the game? “I called that score… well I said 17, 14 it was 13 to 20 pretty close though huh?”
No that’s not fucking close you didn’t get either team right. For bragging rights you need to get at least one team exactly right and within three points on the other AND you have to pick the right team to win. It’s also better if you give a little justification of why so you can prove you were not just guessing. (If you’re already bored like Gary jr. just skip the next paragraph and you’ll be at the guess part)
This is the first Superbowl in 17 years that both No.1 seeded teams in each division met in the playoffs. The Saints and Colts both have high powered offenses and decent defenses. The Colts secondary is young but their pass rush is pretty good, and the same is true for the saints. This game to me depends on which team is more successful at running the ball. Running the ball well sets up the long gains. What else does rushing the ball do? It eats up the clock and keeps you’re offense on the field, aka the other offense off the field. With two high scoring offenses that’s something you need to do. The second key element is turnovers. Peyton has been there before and he knows how to be calm. Pressure to get the team and himself a first ring will eat at Brees’ nerves. He will throw more interceptions than manning.
You’re welcome Gary jr. cause we all know you looked at the person next to you and said “oh thank god”
Should be a good game! I’m cheering for the Saints but if I put money down, here is where it would go:
Colts 31, Saints 21.
A toast to Champes
Feb 6th
I was reading a book about wine recently and I came across this poem (the author is anonymous) about the hunnies favorite beverage.
Here’s to Champes, the drink devine
It makes us forget our troubles
It’s made from a dollar’s worth of wine
And three dollars worth of bubbles.
Inspired… I added to it.
You can buy it buy the bottle
although we’ve bought it by the case
you can get it almost anywhere
we go down the street and get ours from the gays
We drink it from flutes,
But not the kind that wake Jay
We drink it on weeknights
Or anytime that we play
Yes we love you dear Champes
With you, nothing is boring
But beware of empty bottles
near 2 in the morning!
Keeping it Str8!
Jan 26th
Lets break down Sundays football action. Hunnies… football is an American sport played by large men in tight spandex pants grunting and pounding each other for an hour… nothing you would be interested in. True manly man stuff.
Anyways. Brett Favre and the Vikings lost. Brett… time to retire. Brett is now 2-3 in NFC championship games. The last pass he threw in the last two he played were both intercepted. Time to hang up the pads Brett. You have earned around $150 million in your 19 year career, you have a Superbowl ring, a Superbowl MVP trophy and many of the NFL Passing records. WTF else do you want?
The Saints have not won a Superbowl… EVER! They have never even been to the big show. The Colts have not won a Superbowl since…oh wait 2007. If they win this one. The Manning brothers and Big Ben will account for all 5 of the last 5 Superbowl wins, Peyton for 2 of the last 4. There father Archie Manning never won a Superbowl because he played for that really terrible team… oh yeah the Saints.
It should be a great game. February 7th everybody. Get your beer in the fridge by 11 am the game starts at 3pm on the west coast.
My January Post.
Jan 11th
My first post, the January of my blog life. How appropriate. Let me tell you why I love January:
1. First and foremost, I love football. January is the month of “The Catch”, the month of Playoffs! Also College basketball by January becomes worth watching.
2. Its my birth month. 24 this year. What should I do? a 24 hour event? 24 hours of games with 24 bottles of champs?
3. Tax returns! If i get my w2’s early enough.
4. Fresh starts. New goals, an excuse to wipe the white board clean and start over.