Dead at 2am » Gary Jr.

Don’t Get it Twisted, You Imp.

Gary Jr. — Wed, 23 Nov 2011 01:07:21 +0000

Everyone knows I went in Halloween drag as your mom.

Mother Nicklet

The Stench of the Working Nick

Gary Jr. — Tue, 22 Nov 2011 20:16:35 +0000

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wanted to take a hot towel to Nick’s face.

How long will it take for him to notice?

Nick & Benutty Had a Son

Gary Jr. — Fri, 03 Jun 2011 16:14:49 +0000

The House of Swine and the House of Hair united their bloodlines and produced a hair–em–I mean an heir.

I Am Your Grandma – Grandpa Troll

Gary Jr. — Wed, 01 Jun 2011 19:42:24 +0000

Just when I thought I couldn’t watch enough of the “I Am Your Grandma” video, a troll pops up and remixes it and provides his own commentary. I’m now in love with the Grandma and the Troll.

“I am your Grandpa. I banged your Grandma”

Deadly Outbreak of Horse Virus

Gary Jr. — Wed, 01 Jun 2011 16:30:46 +0000

Forces rodeo queens to show off their talents by riding stick ponies. BWAHAHAHAHA.

Sweetums Sings Italiano

Gary Jr. — Sun, 29 May 2011 06:36:00 +0000

Never ever invite Sweetums to a housewarming during the same month that Lady Gaga releases a new album and never give Sweetums 4-5 sour beers.

Lady Sings Americano

Mississippi River is No Match for Human Fortitude

Gary Jr. — Fri, 27 May 2011 20:27:03 +0000

This picture is kind of amazing. I hope the homemade levee lasts long enough to save their house. Godspeed!

My First Stolen Cassette

Gary Jr. — Fri, 27 May 2011 20:11:41 +0000

I was probably 9 or 10 when I stole my first cassette tape. My sister, KiKi, had a bitchin’ Camaro. I googled-imaged a ton of 1970s and 1980s Camaro trying to see if I could pinpoint the year without asking her. I think it was either a 1978 Camaro or a 1981 Camaro….but it’s hard to tell. It certainly wasn’t anything newer than 1982 because that’s the year the Camaro got its traditional 80s box-y shape. Gross. (Also, our Dad work at the GM plant for 30 years. So basically every Camaro from like 1966 to 1992 had its back seat cushions installed by my Dad…Talk about a boner-killer for my sister. She couldn’t get frisky in her backseat knowing full well our Dad installed that seat. Haha. I’m sure it didn’t stop her).

Anyway, I waited for my sister to get distracted with her friends. They probably went down to Venice in another friend’s car. They did that a lot. I snuck out to her Camaro in front of our house, unlocked the door and swiped the cassette I had be longing for. She had had it for a couple months and me wanted it. Smeagol-style.

I took that tape. Popped it in my Walkman. And roller skated up and down our street all summer long listening to that tape until it warped in the sun one afternoon and it cracked along one seam. The cassette tape ribbon blew all over the street in the wind. Remember that? Before CDs, when cassette tapes would be blowing all over in the wind and stuck in fences and bushes and gutters. Also, remember having to use a pencil to wind the ribbon back into the the tape? Or having to fix the ribbon when there was a kink? Aww. Memories.

Anyway, without further ado, this was the cassette I stole from my sister Kiki‘s Camaro.

A Conversation with Birgitte Hedda Ola

Gary Jr. — Wed, 25 May 2011 22:45:52 +0000

As you might remember, I have a Norwegian coworker named Birgitte Hedda Ola. Birgitte happens to be friends with an actress that we’ll name Thlivia Oh Ilby. Birgitte described her friend to me like this:

“She’s a really great lovely person. Knowing her personally has helped me frame the actual size of all other actresses. You see, Thlivia is pintsized. She’s a size Double Zero and is about 5’3”… but when she stands next to Natalie Portman, Natalie makes her look like a brickhouse. It’s crazy. Natalie must be itty-bitty.” I interjected about what movie I could watch to see Thlivia opposite Natalie Portman or some other skinny bitches. Birgette tells me several of the movies that Thlivia has been in.

I get all excited after Birgitte names one movie and I say, “Ooh! I know that movie. Is that the one with the Ashton Kutcher?” I stop speaking and think about what I just said. “That’s right. The Ashton Kutcher. I’m so my mom.”

Birgitte without hestiating pipes back, “Well you are turning 30 tomorrow.”

Norwegian bitch. Love it. Happy birthday to me.

May is Strokes Awareness Month

Gary Jr. — Wed, 25 May 2011 14:56:51 +0000

Nick and I work in two different buildings right next to each other in San Francisco. Once in a while, we’ll get an afternoon coffee together.

Gary Jr.: Alright. Coffee time?

Nick: Si.

Gary Jr.: Perfect.

Nick: se ou i a ho sec

Gary Jr.: really? se ou i ho sec? are you thai all of the sudden?

Nick: See you in a hot minute. I don’t know how that happened.

Gary Jr.: I do. May is Strokes Awareness Month.

Great News, Nicklet! A Little Pink is A-OKAY! MMKAY!

Gary Jr. — Tue, 24 May 2011 22:21:18 +0000

BREAKING NEWS ON THE D@2 DINING CAR:

The USDA released a new recommendation today. It lowered the cooking recommendation for pork! 145 degrees is all that’s needed. A little pink pork is a-okay according to the USDA.

That means you sit Nicklet out in the sun for about 15-20 minutes on a warm sunny San Francisco day and that bitch will be ready to eat in no time. Or catch a rosy-pink Nicklet huffing away on his bike and he’s ready to eat immediately.

Oh and don’t get it curly-tail twisted, Gary Jr. will eat it!

“Never Gonna Get ANY of This!”

Gary Jr. — Mon, 23 May 2011 22:00:26 +0000

My landlord installed some security cameras at our house last week. (I live in Oakland. And there have been a string of strange occurrences at our house, so he’s just being cautious).

While he was installing one on the side of the house, I took out the trash and made some friendly chit-chat. I was facing him, with my arms crossed, and also facing the street. His back was to the street as he discussed his reasons for installing the cameras. Across his shoulder, on the other side of the street, I see a crazy-ass lady pop out from behind someone’s house and walk down their driveway. By the looks of her, she doesn’t live there and hasn’t lived in an actual dwelling in quite a while. She stops and makes direct eye contact with me. Oh crap. I broke the seminal rule of dealing with crazies and homeless: NEVER MAKE EYE CONTACT–NO MATTER HOW FAR AWAY.

Anyway, she cocks her head to one side and crosses her arms; mimicking everything I’m doing. She stands there for a good 20 seconds in that position. When she realizes that I’m not going to acknowledge her (because hello she’s across the street and crazy) and that I’m continuing with my conversation with the landlord, she gets all Benutty on us.

She yells out, head spinning around from left to right, “Oh hell no! HELL NO! NO! HELL! NO!” This, of course, gets our attention and even the landlord turns around to see the commotion across the street. “That’s right, chickens! Never!” She starts pointing up and down her emaciated raggedy form with her yellowed nails. (I assume they’re yellow and thick). “YOU’RE NEVER GONNA GET THIS! YOU HEAR THAT! NEVER GONNA GET ANY OF THIS!” Then she swivels on one foot to the right and marches off toward BART.

The landlord looks at me and says “That’s another reason for the cameras.”