Archive for September, 2010

That’s right. No milk in the fridge this morning. So I pulled out the whipping cream and added it to my coffee. I’m a fat slob who’s unemployed. That’s how I roll. (By the way, Nick, I’m not talking about Cool Whip. I’m talking about whipping cream).

So last night, this hunny was bored and so I decided to look at our Google Analytics page which gives us all the information we could ever possibly want about our Dead at 2am website: who views it, for how long, where they are from, etc. etc.  Since our inception in January 2010, we have been viewed in 86 different countries. That’s not too shabby. We really need to focus on African countries though. (Also we’ve been viewed in every country in the Middle East excluding Iraq). Anyway, the two countries that piss me off because they haven’t viewed us yet are Iceland and Mongolia. There is no excuse that someone in Iceland or Mongolia shouldn’t accidentally come across our page and then rapidly leave our website and move onto something else, having realized that “fuck a hen” did not return porn and instead returned our website.

So I came up with a plan.

Plan Iceland: Tell a story about Iceland.
Plan Mongolia: Tell a story about Mongolia.

I guess that’s two plans. Luckily, I have stories about both.

Finally, we have been viewed in all but one state in the USA. Wyoming! What is wrong with you?? Come visit our site. Hello, we love Governor Dave Freudenthal. So cuties! Luckily, I have a story about Wyoming too.  But I’m not calling it Plan Wyoming because Wyoming doesn’t deserve it…you snooze you lose.

The story goes like this. Every year my family would roadtrip to Iowa. (There’s a town in Iowa where basically everyone has the same last name and we have family there. Cue the banjos). My family does not fly. I had never been on a plane until I was 20. So we would take a different road route to Iowa every year. And along the way we would stop and see the sites in random places. For example, one year my Dad took a route to Iowa that allowed us to drive through Pueblo, Colorado and there we stopped at a roadside diner where my Dad and I shared what may be the world’s largest burrito. It came out on a platter and literally hung off the plate and touched the dirty ass table. That’s how big it was. It was seriously like 5 or 6 pounds. And we ate it all. Oops. A burrito is a thing of beauty. Years later, my girl Priya (who I met at my last company) heard me tell that burrito story and she knew the diner! She grew up in Pueblo…small world.

One year we took the I-80 along the southern border of Wyoming. We drove through Evanston, Green River, Rock Springs, Rawlins, Laramie and Cheyenne.  Normally, these trips would be during the summer but for some reason it was late fall or early spring, I can’t remember why. We took the route once during the summer too. Wyoming is frigging beautiful. At one point, there’s a river along the freeway and it’s soooooo gorgeous.

Anyway it was winter, not summer, and the weather was pretty nasty so my Dad wanted to get through it as quickly as possible. There was so much snow and blizzard-like conditions that at several points we were driving sooo slowly on the freeway and simply following the taillights of the semi in front of us. If the semi went off the cliff, we would have followed. Dead PhaggyPhatPhuck on the nightly news. Certainly, not a wise decision to continue driving, right?

My Dad always drove because my Mom doesn’t know how to drive and refuses to learn. So he got tired and wanted to take a little catnap and stretch out for a second. We pulled off the highway and tried to get out of the car but the doors of the car were frozen shut! Couldn’t open them! We were trapped. Of course, I was mostly asleep during that whole period. Because I had gone horizontal. Once I’m horizontal, I have about 3 seconds before I pass out. There’s something about it that makes me so sleepy. Anyway, eventually we broke the doors loose and got gas. All was well. And that is my Wyoming story. Now fucking view our website, Wyoming!

Iceland and Mongolia, you’re next.