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Archive for July, 2010
Busted!
Jul 24th
Lets set the stage: Tony, Joey, Shahla and I are pool side relaxing in san jose. I’m just minding my own business as my friend Tony talks about his upcoming wedding. His bride to be is Chinese, and he mentioned that there were some traditional Chinese things that he had to do with her family before the wedding. He mentions that he has to give her family a well fatten pig with a curly tail to prove her virginity. Then Shahla turns around and looks at me and says “there you go”. Oh hunnnnnie. She dies tonight at 2am.
I blame this on Gary Jr. Just so you know.
Recipe for Staying Single: Make a Contract with Your Lover!
Jul 24th
It wasn’t and never will be classy to make that guy you just started dating two days ago sign a contract of intended commitment! And as evidence of how not classy I was in 2003, here’s an example of a contract I made this one fool Elijah sign!
It reads:
I, Elijah, agree to work in hundred-hundred partnership with Benutty, current sole proprietor of Unreal, Inc., and Unreal, International, and 21st Century Unreal. I understand that after the self-instated probation period of an agreed upon term of one month, having begun on Wednesday, the 19th of February in the year 2003 and ending on Friday, the 21st of March in the year 2003, I will be handed another contract, a Contract of Commitment, at which I will decide whether to commit myself to the aforementioned companies and become co-owner along with Benutty or to disembark on this journey, to instead another probation period, or to make it real (which would be horrible). I understand that until Friday, the 21st of March in the year 2003, I am under no obligation to the aforementioned companies and I have the right to negotiate with other companies. This contract is in no way binding.
x____(signed)_____
WHAT THE FUCK?! Someone should have killed me.
And why the hell did I keep this for SEVEN YEARS?!
Not classy. Single. Lame fucktard.
Rene from Berkeley Bowl or My Lover Has a New Haircut
Jul 23rd
So remember my previous post about Rene my lover from the Berkeley Bowl? The one who looks just like Misha except with crazy hair ala Obi Wan Kenobi. Well, he still works there. And I happened to be in the area with a burning need for vegetables, so i figured I would drop in and have his zucchini inspected for quality. Luckily Rene was working. But I was too embarrassed to stand in his line so I stood in the line next to him and tried to snap a pic. Of course, some tool kept cockblocking me and trying to see what I was doing on my phone. Grr. So no photo! 
Anyhoo, I am confused to report that my lover has a new haircut. Allow me to explain. Hmm. Okay, so you know Friar Tuck? Well, my lover Rene has an inverted Friar Tuck. Hair on top. No hair around the middle section and then a small strip along the nape of the neck… Because my lover Rene wouldn’t want to shave off his long rat tail. And so it remains. And the patch of hair on top is not buzzed. It’s quite long. To the point where he has like 6 inch bangs on one side but short on the other side. It’s outrageous.
Had I not known him before the Friar Fuck haircut, I wouldn’t have given him the time of day. But my lover Rene still holds my heart. Now, if only Misha would follow Rene’s cue and do his hair up all fancy…all would be well in the world.
Rene, if you are out there, and not bagging groceries at the Berkeley Bowl, know I always need a good zucchini.
Bucket List!
Jul 23rd
I was looking at other people’s blogs this morning, and this one guy listed his bucket list. It wasn’t some long “100 things I want to do before I die” kind of bullshit… It was more like 10 things he HAD to do before he died. He had some interesting things on there like “Experience Carnival in Rio”, and “Sail across the Atlantic”.
So my challenge to all the hunnies out there is to make a bucket list of the top 10 things you have to do before you die. I’ll list mine hopefully later today. Yay.. project!
Fail
Jul 22nd
I looked in my mailbox today and received this awesome coupon.
What is this valid for??
Stupid Bitches
Jul 22nd
Background: Kitty goes to USF Law School which of course means there are lots of stupid stuck up bitches in her class. One of her classmates who I have met multiple times and don’t care much for because she is all drama – and not the fun kind of drama like whispering to Gary Jr. “Oh my god did you see Benutty’s vagina sweat after the race”, but real drama — is from Seattle. Multiple times I have had or overheard Kitty have the conversation with her about Ballard (a suburb of Seattle) and specifically Kings Hardware, a bar that Kitty’s brother helped open and has always managed. Every time this comes up she makes the comment “oh yeah, Ballard is fun but I like it up on the hill better” and doesn’t show much enthusiasm.
So….recently while Kitty was perusing Playboy.com for hot naked ladies, she stumbled upon some really cool news. Playboy just released a list of its favorite bars across America and their choice for the best bar in Seattle was Kings Hardware! Like any proud sister would do she posted a link to the article on facebook. Well then this same bitch writes about how she always hangs out right around there and loves the bar and probably knows all the same people as her brother, and just peeing all over everything to claim it as hers.
I hate Stupid Bitches – not the Haus of Hunnies kind of Stupid Bitches– but the seriously Stupid Bitches.
Nick’s Greatest Moments: The Shit Talking Incident
Jul 22nd
This is Part II of the Soda & Ivy Incident:
So in High School Ruby and I hung out with the same crowds, but we always tried to stay away from each other. I have to admit that she did become nicer in her old age, but at the time I was not a very forgiving person and I talked mad shit about her every chance I got. Plus it got me laughs, and who doesn’t like that.
So one day during our lunch break we were sitting around in our usual spot. Most of my friends were there… Jenn the closet lezbo, Christian the gayest man I ever met who wasn’t gay (sorry Alfie), Manuel the other big homo on campus (who I wanted to screw), Archie the douche bag who I really didn’t know, but assumed he was a douche bag because that’s how I roll, and Ruby the cunty skank.
We were all sitting around talking shit about our teachers and the drama folks, when Ruby got up and said she was meeting with a teacher or some shit, and walked away. That’s when I sprang into action:
- Me: Thank god she left. She is such a bitch.
<silence>
- Me: Did you see that shit on her mouth… herpes anyone?
<silence>
At this point Jenn and Manuel were both giving me this look like… “shut the fuck up you stupid bitch” (you know the look Gary), and Christian was trying not to laugh.
- Me: I just fucking hate her. She is worthless.
At this point Archie got up and walked away.
- Me: What’s his problem?
- Jenn: That’s Ruby’s boyfriend you dumb ass!
- Me: Oh ooops.
Needless to say Rudy and Archie really didn’t hang around me after that, but hello… he didn’t stick up for her, so obviously he knew it was the truth.
And that… is one of Nick’s Greatest Moments.
Question of the Week (07/20 – 07/26)
Jul 22nd
Where’s the Cheese?
Jul 21st
Yesterday Misha and I made dinner. We wanted a little Colby jack to sprinkle on top but we couldn’t find it. I was sure we had a chunk of it left but it was nowhere to be found. I looked in the fridge. Misha looked for it. We reorganized the fridge. No cheese! So Misha went and bought a small block from the store.
This morning I went to get some ice from the fridge (for the bags under my eyes) and lo and behold! Look what I found!!
Benutty’s Book Review: Tinkers
Jul 21st
(Paul Harding, 2009)
Winner of the 2010 Pulitzer Prize for Fiction, Tinkers is the story of a man on his deathbed, falling inside himself to recount the memories of his childhood that involve his epileptic father. While sweet in its examination of the trials of life and death, Harding’s simple writing style also gives way to a haunting & melancholy tone. The metaphor of the universe as a clock — we as ants marching across a face of time that we can only wonder at the immensity of, while below us, unknowingly, gears and mechanisms spin and turn, guiding the meaning our lives — is beautiful in its simplicity. A lot like Cunningham’s The Hours, Tinkers brings together a small cast of characters (this time men) who discover fear, regret, and helplessness in a regressive movement of time through memory. Harding has a great ability to describe in a new way the universal curiosities of all of us — those about nature, disease, fatherhood, and life & death.
I can’t recommend this book enough. I absolutely adore it. It’s simple, heartbreaking, life-affirming, and magical. Perfect with a glass of white zin, a shawl, a brooch and a wood-burning fireplace. Don’t finish it while in public. You’ll want to let yourself cry it out and relish in the sweet & depressing emotion of it!
Notable excerpt:
Your cold mornings are filled with the heartache about the fact that although we are not at ease in this world, it is all we have, that it is ours but that it is full of strife, so that all we can call our own is strife… rejoice that your uncertainty is God’s will… and part of a greater certainty… be comforted in the fact that the ache in your heart and the confusion in your soul means that you are still alive, still human, and still open to the beauty of the world…