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Archive for June, 2010
2010 World Cup Our Balls: Hottest Players (Quarterfinals)
Jun 30th
Now to the second round! In order to ultimately become the hottest team in the 2010 World Cup Our Balls, each team should show a wealth of hotness across their squad — so in this second round the teams will have to compete with a different player than the one that appeared in the Round of 16. And although (admittedly) Nick was right that Veloso is actually the hottest Portuguese player, they still lost to Spain. Oh well huhns.
Check out these Quarterfinal match-ups…
Match 9: Uruguay vs. United States
SUAREZ
FEILHABER
Match 10: Argentina vs. England
AGUERO
COLE
Match 11: Netherlands vs. Brazil
VAN PERSIE
NILMAR
Match 12: Paraguay vs. Spain
ALCARAZ
FABREGAS
Who wins in the following matches, y’all??
Match 9: Suarez or Feilhaber?
Match 10: Aguero or Cole?
Match 11: Van Persie or Nilmar?
Match 12: Alcaraz or Fabregas?
Check out the actual Quarterfinal games in the World Cup this Friday and Saturday!
2010 World Cup Our Balls: Hottest Players (Round of 16)
Jun 28th
Our winners from Matches 3 & 4 are Defoe (England) and Higuain (Argentina)! They’ll play each other in the next round, but now let’s turn our classy eyes toward the last four matches in the Round of 16:
Match 5: Netherlands vs. Slovakia
AFELLAY
SESTAK
Match 6: Brazil vs. Chile
ROBINHO
SANCHEZ
Match 7: Paraguay vs. Japan
BONET
HASEBE
Match 8: Spain vs. Portugal
VALDES
SIMAO
Who wins, y’all?
Match 5: Afellay or Sestak?
Match 6: Robinho or Sanchez?
Match 7: Bonet or Hasebe?
Match 8: Valdes or Simao?
Damn, girrlllsss, this shits is heatin’ up! Holler.
On Wednesday we’ll start the Quarterfinals!!
2010 World Cup Our Balls: Hottest Players (Round of 16)
Jun 26th
Our winners from the first two matches were Abreu of Uruguay and Bocanegra of United States. They’ll play each other in the next round, but now let’s turn our classy eyes toward the next two matches in the Round of 16:
Match 3: Germany vs. England
TASCI
DEFOE
Match 4: Argentina vs. Mexico
HIGUAIN
TORRES
Who wins, y’all??
Match 3: Tasci or Defoe?
Match 4: Higuain or Torres?
Also: check these hotties play in their actual matches tomorrow afternoon! Woot.
2010 World Cup Our Balls: Hottest Players Knockout Stage (Round of 16)
Jun 25th
We’ve got the final 16 teams placed in the 2010 World Cup, but on D@2 the championship won’t be decided by who scores the most goals. Instead, each team puts forth their hottest players and the entire team will advance based on who makes us scream “eeeooooooh huhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhnnnnnnnnnnnaaaaaaaaay!” loudest & longest.
Match 1: Uruguay vs. South Korea
ABREU
KI
Match 2: United States vs. Ghana
BOCANEGRA
BOATENG
Who wins, y’all?
Match 1: Abreu or Ki?
Match 2: Bocanegra or Boateng?
Also: check these hotties play in their actual matches tomorrow afternoon! Woot.
Hated It! Two Snaps and a Vodka Twist
Jun 24th
I found a better picture! Nevermind the man with the crutch! Hahaha
Um Really?
Jun 24th
So I was on my way to the Toaster Oven to get a sandwich (BTW best sandwich place downtown!!.. don’t listen to what Benutty says), and I noticed a new sign on this pizza place. It said:
Mongolian Beef
$4.99*
*$1 extra with meat .
Um.. What is Mongolian Beef without the BEEF?? Really? Why not just advertise it at the price it is you stupid assholes.
Oh and don’t even get me started on the fact that a pizza place is selling Mongolian Beef. OK!
Nick’s Greatest Moments: The Roommate Incident
Jun 23rd
If you are a friend of mine then there is a side of me you know and fear that is fed with alcohol and anger. It’s when I lose my shit, and innocent souls get thrown out of my apartment. This is not one of those stories though… This is a story about when I didn’t lose control of my temper, and instead I sought out my revenge in other ways.
Back in 2000 my friend Melody and I would make a lot of short films (like Stuff, Stuff 2: Hella Stuff, Stuff 3: Hecka Tight Stuff, and Birth: The Millennium). A lot of this filming took place at her apartment around 8pm to 10pm… Like totally normal hours that people are awake and shit. Well she has this fucking whore bitch of a roommate who always found something to complain to the landlord about. Like… I didn’t put the toilet seat down, or someone drank her orange juice, or someone left the window open, or Melody and her boyfriend have loud sex and it wakes me up. Oh yea… she was a total pain in the ass.
One night I headed over to Melody’s to finish filming Stuff 2: Hella Stuff, and her cunty roommate answered the door.
- Me: Hi
- Cunt: Sorry… it’s after 10. I don’t want you guys hanging out here again today.
*door slam*
Oh hunnnnss. I was livid! The nerve of this bitch trying to tell us what we can and can’t do. So I called up Melody and she came down to let me in to her house. Just as I walk into the house, the cunt opens her mouth.
- Cunt: If I hear one peep from you two I am calling the cops.
- Melody: You do that.
I wanted to go off on this bitch so bad, but I restrained myself since Melody had to live with her. Luckily I hadn’t started drinking. What! So once Melody and I get into her room upstairs we decide that we should just go back to my place because she is obviously on the rag and we are not in the mood to battle it out with her. Before we leave though an idea popped into my head… we should fuck with her shit in a way that she would never know, but would amuse us when she was around and take the focus off her cuntness.
We took turns going into the bathroom, taking the cunts shampoo and spitting the nastiest lugies in it. We also cleaned the toilet with her toothbrush, and Melody peed a little in her conditioner.
Let me tell you every time we saw her after that it was so hard not to laugh in her face. Good times. We did it again right before Melody moved out, but that time we put hydrogen peroxide in her conditioner. I doubt that made her hair turn lighter, but it was still funny.
And that… is one of Nick’s Greatest Moments.
The Bitch I Work With: An Epilogue
Jun 23rd
I guess I forgot to write in any of my posts about The Bitch I Work With that I might have encouraged her behavior. Oops. Right after Part One when she told everyone to shut the fuck up in the office, I sent her an email saying that she was going to have a hard time getting those douche bags to stop talking about fucking hockey. And then in that same email, I might have pointed out to her that their talking about hockey wasn’t nearly as bad as “having a horse eat an apple in your ear very loudly” while you try to work. Haha. I guess I put the bee in her bonnet that encouraged her to lash out against the Chewer in Part Two of the saga. Yyyes. Dance, puppets, dance!
You see, I figured if this girl was a crazy ass bitch on the very first day of work and had the audacity to yell at everyone to be quiet, I needed to get on her good side. (That’s the same logic that got Benutty and I in trouble…it resulted in our sordid friendships with Nick. Keep your frenemies close). So I shot off that email in an attempt to be like, “Hey Regina George. I hear ya. Try not to stab me in the back. I bring an olive branch. And I too am a mean girl and my father, the inventor of the Toaster Streudel, would really want us to be friends.” I also think it was that initial email that spared me her wrath when I was eating my “rosemary foccaccia” cough drops. You see, my little farm animals, you have to be several steps ahead of the game. Use the drama to your advantage until it’s just you and the bitch left standing and then become friends with her or eat her, depending on how many calories you already had eaten that day.
So What! Who Cares?!?
Jun 23rd
So I noticed a lump on the nape of my neck two days ago. I thought it was a mole or something but then it grew and got bigger and bigger. And then it started to hurt. I was hella freaking out. I had Misha check it out. He had no idea what it was and didn’t offer any help. Finally I set up a series of mirrors and investigated myself. There was a tiny black dot near the lump. I got tweezers out…and I tugged at the tiny black dot. Immediately, I pulled out roughly six inches of hair out of my fucking skin! No joke. There were like three ingrown very fine hairs in the lump.
The lump is still there. So I’m hoping it starts going down soon. Yuck.
So what! Who cares?!? Oh wait. I care. BARF.
This Bitch I Work With. Part Four: The Final Chapter or New Beginnings?
Jun 22nd
She’s back. Yes, my temp job ended almost 2 weeks ago but that bitch I work with is back. I got a call last Friday saying that the temp agency wanted me back to work on my old project again. Apparently, there was some clean up work that needed to be done and that it would probably only last for one day. The temp agency also told me that it was only going to be me there because there wasn’t much to do. Well, I wasn’t doing anything so I said SO WHAT! WHO CARES?!? I’M NOT DOING ANYTHING. WHY NOT MAKE SOME CASH FOR MY PINOT GRIGIO HABIT?
I show up at the firm and I am greeted by my boss. She then says, “Oh right on time. We’ll just wait here a little bit longer until that bitch you work with shows up.” (Or something like that). I’m like, “Oh hells no! That bitch I work with has returned from the grave. I thought it was only going to be me doing the work here. Ugh.” (Or something like that). And my boss is like, “You and that bitch were the only two asked back. You were our best temps and we wanted to ask you both back.”
The bitch shows up. We start working. We work three hours and run out of shit to do. So they let us go home early and that was it. Haha. We were laid off again. Haha. Love it. Unfortunately, with just me and her in the room, she didn’t have anything awful to say. I didn’t stink up with office with food. I didn’t chew with my mouth open. And she was Chatty Kathy. In fact, she was downright pleasant. We laughed and had a great time. Almost like seeing an old friend. She mentioned that she might add me on Facebook. And then I got worried because she might find out about these posts. But everything I wrote is true. And I think she owns her bitchiness. I almost wanted to go have happy hour with her when our 3 hour day was over. Could she possibly be a huhns? Who knows.
Someone Dies Tonight
Jun 22nd
I get to work today, and I find this pinned up on my cubical wall. Someone will definitely die tonight.
At least it is a skinny piggie I guess, and something edible. Hunnn
Recipe for Class: Basil Bombshells
Jun 22nd
Huhhhnns! Basil is hella good. And if you want to be classy then you have to eat hella good basil quiches and drink hella mami-yummy basil lemon droplets! Thank you, you’re welcome. Eat it. Drink it.
Honeyrella’s Tomato-Basil Mami Quiche
Inwhorients:
3 eggs
1 cup heifer milk
2 tomatoes
some onion
dried basil flakes
2 cups shredded colby jack cheese
1 deep dish crust
olive oil
flour
Whorestructions:
- pre-heat your mami-oven to 400 degrees & when ready put your deep dish crust in there for like 3 minutes to get it warm and ready
- dice the tomatoes & onion, get a saute pan and coat it with a lil bit of olive oil, then throw the tomatoes & onion in there
- while the veggies saute, sprinkle them with the basil flakes & flour to your liking, and get them fuckers good and cooked
- spread up to 1 cup of cheese over the bottom of the now heated deep dish crust, then throw the cooked veggies over that
- whisk the 3 eggs with a cup of milk, and pour over the veggies in the deep dish pie crust
- delicately sprinkle up to 1 cup of cheese over the top of all that shits
- bake the quiche in the oven for 15 minutes, and then turn the mami-oven down to 350 degrees & bake for another 20 minutes
- bake until the top is golden brown and there is a firmness to your quiche
Classy serving:
- let the quiche rest for 10 minutes, then sprinkle fresh basil leaves on the top for classy decoration, or sliced cooked tomatoes is cuties, too!
- serve warm to your ungrateful mami-auntie guests, or put it in the fridge to chill & microwave that mess in the morning
Rahuuuhnnzel’s Basil-Lemon Droplets
Inwhorients:
- vodka
- 1 cup water
- 1 cup sugar
- fresh basil leaves
- lemonade
- fresh lemons
Whorestructions:
- pour 1 cup water & 1 cup sugar into a small sauce pan & cook until boiling, stir it a little so the sugar doesn’t settle at the bottom dumby
- when boiling, turn off the heat & gently throw in fresh basil leaves (as many as you goddamn want)
- let sit until that shits smells like you wants it to
- add the basil simple syrup to your jar of lemonade, shake and put that shits in the fridge to chillz
- invite your favorite mami-aunties over for drinkies and hope they aren’t on the LoseIt diet coz otherwise they’ll refuse your delicious droplets and then you’ll prolly cry like Alfie when Kitty left for Europe
- fill drinking glasses with ice, pour in as much vodka as needed to get drunk quick, and fill the rest of the glass with your basil-lemonade
- slice up some lemons all cuties like and throw in some fresh basil leaves for the classy effect
- maybe squeeze a little fresh lemon into the drink for mami measure
- serve to your ungrateful dieting huhhns
- get day-drunk
Also, look like this:
Pearls courtesy of T-Bone