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Archive for February, 2010
Nick’s Greatest Moments: The Bitch Slapping Incident
Feb 24th
My friend Vanessa and I were really good friends, and we did everything together. If you invited me somewhere you knew Vanessa would be in tow, and vice versa. She was my first official fag-hag (Alfie is my current one if you were wondering… that’s right, I said it). I remember one night it was raining, and we had made plans to go to Anna and Jeremy’s house. They had been a couple for 2 or 3 years at the time, and they were both very attractive. Seriously… I would have done Jeremy without a second thought (sorry Anna). Vanessa asked me not to drink to much that night, so that I could drive home since the weather was shitty. She was always worried about that kind of shit, and hello… I am like the best driver ever.
I ended up drinking a little more than I probably should have that night… well not a little, more like I drank a whole lot. As it got later Vanessa finally realized that I was still drinking, and that I was totally wasted. The next thing I know she slaps me across the face!
- Vanessa: You fucker!
- Nick: What the fuck is that for bitch?
- Vanessa: You are supposed to drive tonight
- Nick: I can still drive
- Vanessa: No you CAN’T!
And she slapped me again.
- Nick: Stop fucking hitting me you fucking cunt. I’ll sober up and we can go.
- Vanessa: You’re such a fucking asshole!
- Nick: (looking over at Anna and Jeremy) someone forgot to take their fucking Midol or something
- Vanessa: I hate you!
And she slapped me a third time.
- Nick: I dare you bitch… slap me one more fucking time… I fucking dare you, you fat ugly whore.
Vanessa looked at me with crazy on her face, and slapped me again. Without a pause I swing and slap her back as hard as I could. She yelled out, and started crying. Jeremy got up and took me into the kitchen, and Anna sat down with Vanessa to see if she was alright.
- Anna: OMG she is bleeding
- Jeremy and I: What!?
- Anna: Blood is coming out of her ear.
Yea… So we finally did sober up that night, and I took her home. The next day she called me and told me her ear drum was ripped, and that she couldn’t really hear in that ear anymore. I have to admit I felt kind of bad, but hello you shouldn’t hit someone if you don’t want to get hit back. Turns out a couple months later her ear drum fixed itself, and she could hear again. Soon after we decided to move in together and if you know me, then you know how that turned out.
And that… is one of Nick’s Greatest Moments.
So What! Who Cares?!?
Feb 23rd
A few weeks ago I applied for a job and played phone tag with the recruiter. She left me a message saying that they would like to interview me and she confirmed a date. So I called her back and got her voicemail. This was the voice message I left for her:
“Hi. This is Gary Jr. returning your phone call regarding the available position. I am absolutely available to meet with you on Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. I’m excited to meet you and further discuss my qualifications. If you have any questions or issues, feel free to call me back. Otherwise, I will see you on Wednesday. Thanks, Gary.”
That’s right. I finished my voice message to a recruiter with a complimentary close! Best wishes! Yours truly! Kind regards! Sincerely, the guy you aren’t going to hire.
Needless to say, I didn’t get the job. So what! Who cares?!?
DeadRuntz Comics #1
Feb 23rd
So I have been working on a comic strip for like a month now. My original idea was to use pictures of animals, but it was not easy finding a pig, cow, troll, monkey, rooster…etc all drawn by the same artist. (Yes I have to have them all look the same.) Benutty showed me how to create these avatars which he later used in his Roll Call post. I had already made my own version of myself and Gary when he posted it, so I decided to scrap them, and use Benutty’s as my base. So big thanks to Benutty for helping me along with this. Enjoy.
Wait. What???
Feb 22nd
Just had dinner with a good friend from high school and she was telling me a story about her little sister’s gay best friend that I didn’t really understand.
According to him it’s always awkward on a first date between two gays when both guys have to go to the bathroom because neither has ever “seen each other before” and so they can’t possibly go to the bathroom at the same time and neither wants to be that nerd that goes into the stall so then one goes first and then the other goes after him.
Wait. What??? I’ve never had this problem. Is it real? What does it mean “neither has ever seen each other before?” Like, I really really really like cocks, but I don’t go to the bathroom and look at other guys’ cocks so why the hell would you when you’re on a date?! You both have to go pee so you both go pee! End of fucking story, right? There’s no “omg I can’t pee next to you because we’ve never slept together and I don’t want the first time I see your penis to be when you’re peeing so let’s not go in together” because that just isn’t real.
I mean is this an actual problem? Mamis, thoughts?
P.S. Nick, you’re pee-shy so you probably can’t imagine a scenario where ANY other guy is in the bathroom with you, but for the sake of helping me understand this… please try.
I feel like this isn’t a problem at all — this fool is just a queirdo.
Question of the Week (02/20 – 02/26)
Feb 22nd
Q: What TV commercial bothers you the most?
There is one company that makes commercials that really bother me. The “He Went to Jared” commercials. Those are the fucking worst! Unfortunately I could not find the one I hate the most, the one where the bitch is playing a crossword, but this one here is pretty bad.
I mean… how creepy is it that the car locks him in because it wants that awful looking necklace. Whoever makes these commercials needs to die.
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Stay tuned for the other responses this week.
Diet Update 02/22/10
Feb 22nd
So yea.. Not good news my friends. I weighed myself this morning, and I am still 212 pounds. I have cut back on over eating and overall just bad food, but I haven’t really started any exercise. I’m going to get on that this week, and we’ll see if my outcome next Monday is better than today.
I don’t think I mentioned what my goal was last time, so my first goal is to get under 200 pounds.
This week I will start counting calories hardcore, and begin exercising. Baby steps bitches!
The Variety Shop Strikes Again
Feb 21st
Last night some of the girls came over for shits n giggles… you know the usual. Benutty was an extra special mess last night, as he stopped by the Variety Shop on Clement & 4th Ave. on his way here. This was the result:
That wasn’t all though… He found my bag of York Pieces that I had bought Jay, opened it, and ate all but 4 pieces… After that he opened the bag of Sour Cream and Onion Ruffles, and a package of Sour Cream, and dip his chips into it. Eating it all!
The lesson here… Trolls are hungry fat messes. Beware.
D@2 Roll Call
Feb 21st
Sometimes I wonder if our readers get pissed that they have no idea what any of us look like. So in case you care to have a mental image of the tragic faces that post & comment on our blog, here ya go. I also threw in some snapshots I took of my parents & sisters in case you were wondering where I got this cuties-precious mug from.
Miss Cunt’s Class
from left to right
top: Nick (eating a carnitas taco), Jay (during/after work), Alfie (all the time), Gary Jr. (asleep)
middle: Misha (winking), Shawnito (at work), 3rin (drunk), Benutty (confused)
bottom: FrankieRose (Benutty’s straight sister), Momma Benutty, Poppa Benutty, Rayho (Benutty’s lez sister)
Sweetums Series: The Collaboration
Feb 21st
That’s right. All the hunnies got together for this one to save Haiti.
Never let Nick, Benutty and Gary Jr. have the keys to your music studio. And never give them 5 bottles of champes to share between the three. They will get a cravin’ for meatloaf.
Ladies Sing the Meatloaf (for Haiti)
Enjoy!
Next week iTunes will be releasing the coveted outtakes from the studio session with the Hunnies. But you will hear it here first ladies and gentlemen and farm animals.
Ladies Who Lunch on Meatloaf and then Gag and Choke then Die like Momma Cass
Just Because
Feb 20th
Well, I mentioned in my QoW this week that Mario Telaro could use my Zack Morris cell phone any day.
And it got me thinking about my favorite show when I was a teen. And this ladies and gentlemen was my favorite scene:
Question of the Week (02/20 – 02/26)
Feb 20th
This week’s question was asked by Jimmy from Phoenix, AZ:
Q: What TV commercial bothers you the most?
Hi Jimmy. Thanks for your question. This is SUCH an important question because there are so many commercials that make me want to kill myself and I want to share my pain with others. There’s that Olympic commercial with the patients saying AAH which they turn into a song. Eww. That makes me want to gag. But there’s something even worse. 9 times worse.
There is a series of 9 commercials from one website that make me want to murder the world. That website is www.freecreditreport.com. And each one of their commercials has its own special name. One is called Rollercoaster. One is called Renaissance Fair. But the absolute worst is called ROCKSTAR. Does it bother you bitches too? Those band members are ugly. Well, I say all of the band members are ugly but that’s not true. Especially for the Cro-Magnon drummer. Mmhmm. Oh who am I kidding? He’s not a Cro-Magnon; he’s a cutie! I would have sex with Mario Telaro in a freecreditreport.com minute. He could ride in my Pinto with a Zack Morris cellular phone any day. Hey Mario, I’ve got a 798 on my credit score. Come n get it drummer boy. Paa bump in my rump, pretty please, drummer boy.
(Dear Mario Telaro, If you ever read this post when you google your name, please send me a headshot and what is your least favorite commercial. I promise I will include a better picture of you and will give you mad props. However, if it’s one of your other band members…meh. It’s gary@deadat2am.com in case you were curious. Toodles!)
The Only Cro-Magnon I'd Do
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Stay tuned for the other responses this week.
