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Archive for January, 2010
Nick’s Greatest Moments: The Gasoline Incident
Jan 28th
One day we had a barbecue for my birthday, and I had all my friends from around the neighborhood over. Once all the festivities died down the old folk settled down indoors while my friends and I played in the front yard. The barbecue pit, which was in our driveway, was still pretty hot, so my friends and I were throwing leaves in to watch them burn. Just then I had an idea. You see the first Gulf War had just ended earlier that year, and I remember watching CNN report on all the burning oil fields in Kuwait. They were burning for so long I obviously had to test this myself. How long does it take for oil to burn?
My friends and I heading into the garage to find oil, but since we couldn’t find any we decided to use gasoline instead. My dad always had a giant can of gasoline in the garage to fill the lawnmower up. I ran into the house and got a small plastic cup, met my friends in the garage, filled it with gasoline, and took it to the driveway. I snapped off a stick from our tree, and placed it in a hot spot in the barbecue pit. Once the stick caught fire, I tapped the gas with the flame. My friends and I watched as the gas burned slower than expected. We were very proud of ourselves when suddenly the cup started melting. We watched with horrified looks on our faces as the cup started melting down spilling the gasoline out which ran down the driveway. Unfortunately for us my mom’s car was in the driveway, and all the gas, which was still on fire, was running down underneath her car. We panicked! One of my friends ran home while the other yelled that the car was going to blow up and ran for the backyard. I ran to the front of the house, and grabbed the hose. I turned on the water, and ran to the driveway. As I started to spray the effected areas with water I noticed the gutter was also on fire now. I continued to run water down the driveway into the gutter for another 10 minutes. Once we felt the danger was over, I picked up what was left of my cup, and threw it into the ditch behind my house where I knew my mom and dad would never find it.
You would think that I learned a lesson that day… don’t play with fire!! Sadly that lesson wasn’t learned until after the gun powder incident, but we’ll save that for another day.
And that… is one of Nick’s Greatest Moments.
GrannypantieGrammys
Jan 28th
For real none of us really take the Grammys seriously because everyone is still angry O Brother Where Art Thou won Album of the Year over… wait. Nothing deserved a Grammy that year (see: India.Arie, Bob Dylan, Outkast, U2)! That’s the exact problem with the awards — they are given too randomly, too recklessly, and they try way too hard to be cute and important. Bitch, you ain’t the Soul Train Awards! Typically no one really cares about the nominees they have in place.
But this year a couple of our girls are in the running for the big awards and all of D@2 couldn’t be happier. We’re dreaming of a Beyonce vs. GaGa duet performance of Video Phone & Telephone, but we won’t hold our breath. I mean seriously, make that Telephone video already you fucking wet hens!!
All of that aside, here are the nominees in the only relevant categories this show has to offer (with a few of my lofty opinions spun in as well).
Album of the Year
- I Am… Sasha Fierce (Beyonce) want
- The E.N.D. (Black Eyed Peas)
- The Fame (Lady GaGa)
- Big Whiskey and the GrooGrux King (Dave Matthews Band) will
- Fearless (Taylor Swift)
I whole-heartedly believe Beyonce’s album is the best of the year, but I’d be happy with a GaGa win as well. Dave Matthews and Swifty are the likely contenders though, considering soft rock & country have had a monopoly over the award in recent years. BEP can eat shit and die at 2.
Song of the Year
- Poker Face (Lady GaGa)
- Pretty Wings (Maxwell)
- Single Ladies (Beyonce) want
- Use Somebody (Kings of Leon)
- You Belong With Me (Taylor Swift) will
If Poker Face or Single Ladies doesn’t take this I’ll seriously die. Eventhough I’m confused as to why Single Ladies isn’t up for Record (sted Song), it still deserves some cred for revitalizing the music video industry (and YouTube) in a big way. But Poker Face is a much better song lyrically and, hello, mah mah mah. The real song of the year – Sober by Pink. “That’s right, I said it.”
Record of the Year
- Halo (Beyonce)
- I Gotta Feeling (Black Eyed Peas)
- Use Somebody (Kings of Leon)
- Poker Face (Lady GaGa) want will
- You Belong With Me (Taylor Swift)
I really want Swifty to get shut out of the big ones (Nick loves her though) so I hope she doesn’t grab this one (I think she will). This award belongs to Single Ladies, but since it can’t win it should be Poker Face, huhhhhhn. Do you think Kings of Leon is a play on “lion, king of the jungle?” Die.
Best New Artist
- Zac Brown Band (who?!)
- Keri Hilson (whhhhaaaa?!)
- MGMT (who?!)
- Silversun Pickups (who?!?!)
- The Ting Tings (you mean ding-a-lings?!)
Who cares. This belongs to GaGa. But I hear a lot of hipsters sweat MGMT so they can have it if they want it.
Need-to-be Winners of the Lesser Awards:
- Female Pop Vocal – Sober (Pink)
- Male Pop Vocal – This Time (John Legend)
- Pop Vocal Album – Funhouse (Pink)
- Dance Recording – Womanizer (Britney); just kidding, as if. Poker Face (Gaggers)
- Dance Album – The Fame (The Lady)
- Female R&B Vocal – Lions, Tigers & Bears (Jazmine Sullivan); ditto on R&B Song
- Contemporary R&B Album – I Am… Sasha Fierce (Beyonce)
- Comedy Album – Suckin’ It for the Holidays (Kathy Griffin)
Also: No thank you on the Michael Jackson 3D television event of the century blackout holocaust magical shit starring Celine Dion, Carrie Underwood, and JHud. We’ll pass on that fifteen minute opening, thanks.
Double also: How dare you not have Rihanna listed as a performer. She needs to preview her next single, Rude Boy, right quick!
Where my bloggers at where my bloggers at where dey at where dey at where dey at,
Benutty
P.S. The Haus should totally come over to my place on Sunday to play Game of Things during the show! Yes? Yes. Bring champerelles.
Gary GaGa
Jan 28th
The Sweetums Series is nice and all… but lets get to the truth. When alcohol and Gary Jr. mix it’s like a drag queen puking on a passed out tranny wearing too much glitter and sequins. Sure he sings to his sweetums, but that is only on the way home from the madness. Once the booze starts flowing Gary Jr. takes off to Variety Shop on Clement Street & 4th Avenue (the best drag queen store in all of the Richmond [the neighborhood, not the ghetto city]), and this is frightening result: Gary GaGa!!!!
Sweetums Series #5
Jan 27th
Hi folks–
I’ve been drunk and in the studio all this week. It’s been one of those weeks!
Anyway, for this one, it was a pina colada or two or three….and a roofie.
It’s Odd
Jan 27th
It’s odd to have that moment sitting in your cubicle at work watching a YouTube clip where you go…”Oh my god. How did a video of me as a child leak onto YouTube.” My sisters are certainly selling these videos and profitting from the 50lb video camera my parents purchased in the 1980s. Then you realize instead that it’s some shitty little kid and he’s stealing your schtick. That shoulda been me! TWENTY YEARS AGO, NICOLAS. Don’t fall asleep before 2am, Nicky.
Skip to 1:30 if you want to see what I mean.
Thanks 3rin
Not-So-Deep Thoughts
Jan 27th
“Happiness is like a phone call from an old friend… except they called to tell you they’re dying… hmm I guess that would be sadness then”
Benutty’s Book Review: The Unbearable Lightness of Being
Jan 27th
(Milan Kundera, 1985)
I loved this book. It was a little hard to get into at first because it is all at once a character portrayal love-story, paying attention to the motives and intimate lives of the four main characters, yet also a text on social theory, at times examining the origin and connotations of politically-charged words. Once I was able to bridge the gap between the two viewpoints I began to better understand the main argument. The novel seems to concern itself mostly with trying to understand the “lightness of being,” an idea that the events of life are so circumstantial that one small alteration in the course of history could easily change any number of timelines — one character thinks about how her husband could have married any other woman had certain, very minor events happened differently, changing the course of their relationship. To me, while trying to prove a “lightness” to life, the book creates it’s own antithesis — if small occurrences could so easily change history then there must be a “heaviness,” an importance, to each as well. But the best part about this book is the author’s ability to use the politics of Russian-occupied Prague to illuminate the ways in which people become occupied by their interpersonal relationships.
Highly recommended.
Notable excerpt:
Her feeling was rather that, given the nature of the human couple, the love of man and woman is a priori inferior to that which can exist (at least in the best instances) in the love between man and dog, that oddity of human history probably unplanned by the Creator.
It is a completely selfless love: Tereza did not want anything of Karenin; she did not ever ask him to love her back. Nor had she ever asked herself the questions that plague human couples: Does he love me? Does he love anyone more than me? Does he love me more than I love him? Perhaps all the questions we ask of love, to measure, test, probe, and save it, have the additional effect of cutting it short. Perhaps the reason we are unable to love is that we yearn to be loved, that is, we demand something (love) from our partner instead of delivering ourselves up to him demand-free and asking for nothing but his company.
And something else: Tereza accepted Karenin for what he was; she did not try to make him over in her image; she agreed from the outset with his dog’s life, did not wish to deprive him of it, did not deny him his secret intrigues. The reason she trained him was not to transform him (as a husband tries to reform his wife and a wife her husband), but to provide him with the elementary language that enabled them to communicate and live together.
So What! Who Cares?!?
Jan 27th
I went to the nicest, fanciest Indian restaurant in San Francisco with my good friend Jugs. And we dressed up. In drag. In Indian drag. Sarees. Bindis. Drag.
We arrived and no one knew what to do with us! We ate our korma tucked in the corner next to the john. So what! Who cares?!?
I Don’t Get It
Jan 26th
Seriously. If Nick’s walker is still on the sidewalk, how’d he get up the stairs to his apartment?
Walker, Texas Ranger
A Piece of Golden Girls History
Jan 26th
Shawnito sent me this amazing picture.
Looks like our little troll Benutty has a piece of Golden Girls history in his possession. I’m totally jealous… you dirty troll bitch.
Notice Blanche's man-gettin' brooch…
Notice the same brooch on Sling-Blade Benutty…
Keeping it Str8!
Jan 26th
Lets break down Sundays football action. Hunnies… football is an American sport played by large men in tight spandex pants grunting and pounding each other for an hour… nothing you would be interested in. True manly man stuff.
Anyways. Brett Favre and the Vikings lost. Brett… time to retire. Brett is now 2-3 in NFC championship games. The last pass he threw in the last two he played were both intercepted. Time to hang up the pads Brett. You have earned around $150 million in your 19 year career, you have a Superbowl ring, a Superbowl MVP trophy and many of the NFL Passing records. WTF else do you want?
The Saints have not won a Superbowl… EVER! They have never even been to the big show. The Colts have not won a Superbowl since…oh wait 2007. If they win this one. The Manning brothers and Big Ben will account for all 5 of the last 5 Superbowl wins, Peyton for 2 of the last 4. There father Archie Manning never won a Superbowl because he played for that really terrible team… oh yeah the Saints.
It should be a great game. February 7th everybody. Get your beer in the fridge by 11 am the game starts at 3pm on the west coast.
The Prologue
Jan 26th
The Prologue
Scene. – An empty barn filled with hay.
[Enter Cow Chorus]
CHORUS:
Several farm animals, all alike in banality
In fair Barnlandia, where we blog our day.
From one troll’s thought, came web hilarity
While pigs and cows drink champes in hay.
And from the heaving loins of these three nasty beasts
(As well as ape and cock and llama freaks)
The Haus of Hunnies became our Lord and holy feast.
You’ll see barn posts and claim, “Tres Chic!”
Now read our blog, whore; try not to cower,
Just one or two posts? Bitch! Don’t make me sour.
Before you know, the death-mark’d hour: It’s 2am!
But for this blog, time ain’t no end
To those who read this, we’ll call friend,
And what here I missed, the hunnies shall strive to mend.