Next stop… Whores!
Archive for January, 2010
Month in Media: January
Jan 31st
Let’s take a look at the things in entertainment that the D@2 bloggers loved most in the month of January!
Benutty
Music Video – “On to the Next One” by Jay-Z with Swizz Beatz
This shit is soooo effing tight. I sweat for the girls drop-dancing and the druggie in the hoodie. Mami wants.
YouTube Clip – Jiz and the Mammograms
“This is the motherfucking dress I’m going to get motherfucking gangbanged in tonight.” On daily repeat. Don’t think I won’t make a ringtone of it.
Sports – Arizona vs. Green Bay
I literally like seriously almost wet myself over the missed field goal at the end and the completely random turnover to finish the game in overtime. I was banking on an AZ win for a pool I was in so I was really excited — too bad those queens went and ruined it the following week. Oh well. Go Colts!
TV Show – The Jersey Shore
I mean, seriously? This show killed me every feeeeeucking week. Snooki was goddamn hilarious. Who ever knew there were so many fantastic words for DBs? Grenade. Grenade Launcher. Hippo. Creature.
Album – Stronger with Each Tear by Mary J. Blige
I really played this album out this month. It’s very typ of MJB lately — and, let’s face it, the self-empowerment-I-can-do-anything-because-I-overcame-so-much-adversity thing is getting old — but you can’t deny that the bitch has an amazing voice. And her songs are so sweet most of the time! Aww.
D@2 Post – Dead at 2am: Part 2
This killed me. It made me want to die at 2 again! “Champaaaaaaaagne.” D@2 Blogger? ME! Feeeeeucking Safeway aisle 8 spill janitor.
Gary Jr.
Music Video – “Fixin’ to Thrill” by Dragonette
God, I do love my Dragonette. When I spotted this music video which I had never seen before, poop may have come out. …………………..Of my mouth.
Movie – A Single Man
Isherwood is a weirdo but I loved this movie. Colin Firth can be my silver daddy any day.
YouTube Clip – Cadbury Eyebrows
First, I love chocolate. Second, I love this song. Third, I love overly mobile eyebrows.
TV Show – Modern Family
This show is soo awesome. I am Cameron. That’s all I have to say. Go watch the episode called The Incident. Shelley Long plays the crazy mom. It’s so awesome. It’s worth it.
Sports – Nadal/Murray match at the Australian Open
Okay. If I’m going to post a sports highlight, it will likely only be tennis or figure skating. Anyway, Nadal is hot and the Australian Open is kick ass. The build up for this showdown was awesome. Too bad Hottie Nadal bowed out. Puss. Yeah! Not so gay now, am I sluts! L’Angie that post was for you.
D@2 Post – Nick’s Answer to a Question of the Week
Anytime you can get Nick to write an awesome post about you kicking him in his balls, you know that’s a media highlight.
Nick
Current TV: American Idol
Every January I go into American Idol mode. Sadly it is one of my favorite TV shows. I’m not so sure about Ellen yet, so we’ll see how she does during Hollywood week.
Classic TV: Roseanne
You really can’t go wrong with white trash. No matter how many times I see these episodes they are always funny.
Music: Ke$ha
This bitch is off it. Listen to this album will make you want to dance on stripper poles for money. Loves it.
TV Network: The Food Network
Hello!… Chopped, The Worst Cooks in Amercia and the ever enjoyable Unwrapped. It’s like seriously the best network ever.
Favorite YouTube Channel, and Video: Peach Diaries
Seriously.. Peach Diaries is the best channel ever! Princess Peach has never been more entertaining.
D@2 Post: Benutty v. Gary Jr.
This truly is the essence of who we are. It doesn’t get any better than this.
Humor is Genetic
Jan 31st
I guess growing up in the Mojave Desert can do any number of weird things to a family’s psyche. It takes a family with chutzpah to venture out into no man’s land. (And don’t expect your neighbors to know what chutzpah means. Let’s put it this way, the Manson family ranch wasn’t too far away, Howard Hughes owned a sprawling mansion up in the hills, and there’s a ghost town with a building made entirely of old bottles). But no matter how much chutzpah possessed, the Mojave winds–grain by grain–slowly reshape that family and soon they become something new. Something that the Mojave wants them to be. And certainly that must have been what happened to my family. I simply refuse to believe the family was like this before staking claim to tumbleweeds, desert valleys and the American dream; I wouldn’t know though because I was born and raised in that desert. And so my frame of reference begins and ends with crazy.
And now a snapshot into the crazy: my family is feces-friendly. No. That sounds disgusting. That’s not what I mean. We’re just comfortable with certain bodily functions. We don’t pretend they don’t exist. We fart in front of each other. We joke about it. We let our family know when we aren’t feeling well in that department. We laugh heartily when there’s a scent-trail from the bathroom. It’s just not an issue for us. I guess it has to do with the fact that within about a mile from where I grew up, there’s a “reclamation” plant. Reclamation is a fancy word for a poop plant. No one in Los Angeles wants their shit nearby so they ship it to the desert. A hot, hot desert. A windy, hot, hot desert. Thanks, LA.
Of course, the shit-receiving plant is located right on a main road that connected my family home to the rest of the world. Yes, you’ll soon realize that that is my lot in life. Somehow the grotesque and abnormal find a way into my life (and my posts…just listen to Sweetums). Anyway, to go anywhere we had to pass through a tribulation of fiery gas. Certain days, it would be so rank especially in the summer. It could actually make you gag. Sig, my uncle, was known as having the weakest stomach in the family and he would not even venture out during the summer if it meant he had to pass by “that goddamn shit house.” My immediate family would brave the elements and actually arrange their summer days so that they could drive by the poop plant when the smells would be most subdued—in the morning before the heat, in the late afternoon when the winds picked up and blew the stench away toward the dry lake bed (where Madonna’s Frozen video was filmed), and in the evening when the coyotes came out and prowled for pets. On days when it was unavoidable, my dad would drive by the poop plant and it never failed he’d make a joke. “Mmm. Take it all in, laddie. Last night must’ve been a good night in LA. Heeeheehe.” Nevermind that I had no idea what he meant by it being a good night, it didn’t matter. It was funny.
Humor is genetic. And even though I am no longer a child in the Mojave and have since staked my claim in the Bay, I still find the Mojave and my father making their ways back into my life and into Misha’s. Poor poor Misha.
Can you smell the crazy?
Benutty’s Secret Date Night
Jan 31st
Apparently Benutty had a blind date last night, and didn’t tell anyone here at D@2. A fan of our blog spotted the two out having drinks and sent me this picture of his date. I think we all know why he didn’t tell us now.
Oh Benutty.. Is it a boy, a girl, or just a plain ol mess? I know you’re a troll and all… but you could do better.
The Emancipation of Password-Catch Phrase
Jan 31st
You know, Jay posted a really important question in the comment section of the original Password-Catch Phrase post that I wanted to make sure everyone got a chance to see.
Question: Did anyone notice that 1) I won a game … and 2) I played a game?!?
[Jay routinely doesn't involve himself in the fun that the rest of the huhhhns have. He doesn't play Wii. He doesn't compete in board game olympics. He won't drink champerelles (he prefers 8 tall sailors & diet cokes). He doesn't do anything entertaining, but improve the aesthetics of our blog. God love him.]
Answer: No, bitch. No one noticed. But what they did notice is that when the fucking answer was “Cinderella” your clues were “dwarves” and “seven.”
You goddamn ape. The best part was when Nick (who was on your team) guessed “Snow White” and the look on your face exemplified how dumb you felt.
So, no. No one noticed that you even played.
Sweetums Series #6
Jan 30th
Never give Gary Jr. a mimosa at Nick and Jay’s house. Things turn ugly…for Ke$ha.
Lady Sings Another Tranny’s Hit
Toodles,
Gary Jr.
Not-So-Deep Conversations
Jan 30th
Jay: The neighbor told me the woman who lived here before was schizophrenic lady who used to scream all the time.
Gary Jr.: Oh I bet she lived in your apartment… ooo be careful her spirit might be lingering..
Nick: No.. I would know if there were a spirit in this unit because I would feel their presence. I’m like a medium.
Gary Jr.: No hunny… you’re a large.
Question of the Week (01/30 – 02/05)
Jan 30th
This week’s question was asked by Marco from Dallas, TX:
Q: If you had to go back in time, and change one thing that you did in your life what would it be?
Well there are so many things that I would like to change. I’ve done so much stupid shit in my life it’s not even funny. Would I like to change the time I put mustard all over my families cars…yes. Would I like to change my performance in school… obviously.. I could do a lot better than C’s. Would I like to have come out sooner than I did… hellz yea.
I’d like to change a lot of things I have done in life, but the one most important thing I would like to change is that I wish I would have gone to therapy a lot sooner. I was a little bit out of control emotionally, and if I had convinced my parents at a young age to get me therapy I think I would have enjoyed my childhood and teenage years. Therapy is the smartest thing I ever did, for I would have never been able to keep the great friends that I have now without it.
_________________________________
Stay tuned for the other responses this week.
If you’d like to ask us a question for next week, please email us at questions@deadat2am.com
Doppelgänger Week!
Jan 29th
The stream of status updates from my friends on Facebook lately tell me that it’s Doppelgänger Week. Apparently you’re supposed to change your profile pic to a photo of your celebrity look-alike. But since blogs are better than status updates imma skip the whole Facebook part and put the D@2 bloggers on blast!
ALFIE is JODIE SWEETIN!
JAY is ELTON JOHN!
NICK is CHRISTINA RICCI!
GARY JR. is GISELE BÜNDCHEN!
BENUTTY is NATALIE PORTMAN!
Nick’s Greatest Moments: The Cat Incident
Jan 29th
Me & Clancy
As we all know I did some pretty stupid shit when I was a kid, but I also made my younger sister (Sherri) do stupid shit as well. I remember one day we were in the garage, and our cat Clancy was relaxing on the washer. His tail was sticking straight out, and you could see his butthole. My sister made the comment that his butt looked gross, and that gave me an idea.
- Me: I dare you to touch his butthole
- Sherri: Eww gross
- Me: I did it… Kris (our brother) dared me to, and I did it
- Sherri: Really?
- Me: yea.. so I dare you to do it also
My sister was not convinced that I actually did it, so I yelled for my brother to come outside hoping he would go along with it.
- Me: Kris… I dared Sherri to touch Clancy’s butthole, just like you dared me to do….remember….???
- Kris: Yea… come on Sherri… don’t be chicken.
- Sherri: He really touched it?
- Kris: Yea… stop being a baby and do it
- Me: Chicken!
So my sister looked at Clancy, held her finger out, and poked him in the butthole. She screamed and said it was warm and sticky/wet.
- Me & Kris: Ewwww
- Me: You’re gross… I never touched it… stupid. (My brother and I were laughing so hard)
- Sherry: Ahhhh I hate you!
She stuck her finger out and chased me around the front yard. Finally she ran inside to tell our mom what we made her do. As if I am going to get in trouble because she was stupid… Sorry I don’t think so bitch.
And that… is one of Nick’s Greatest Moments.
Password-Catch Phrase
Jan 29th
Yes. Catch Phrase is a great game.
Q: But what’s better?
A: Using the Catch Phrase tools to play Password!
F’real. Password is so good because no matter who you play with one of the DBs ends up having to gives clues on a word they know nothing about. Tonight it was Nick that got stumped. Poor ham.
Teams:
Nick & Alfie vs. Benutty & Jay
1st Clue: Nick – “appliqué” (Alfie guesses wrong)
2nd Clue: Benutty – “boutonnière” (Jay guesses wrong)
3rd Clue: Nick – “patch” (Alfie guesses wrong)
4th Clue: Benutty – “collar”
Jay guesses correctly. Word = lapel.
Nick had no idea what a lapel was. At all.
The pigs were smarter in Animal Farm.
Not-So-Deep Conversations
Jan 28th
Jay: I had a dream last night that I was having sex with you
Nick: Um.. you’re only supposed to have sex dreams about people you don’t have sex with
Jay: …
Nick: …
Oops.
Our Lady Redeemer: Lucky Penny
Jan 28th
If there’s one thing you should know, you should know that the divas love some late night Lucky Penny. Lily and Sandy are our lady lovers at the Lucky Penny. Nick gets the chicken melt, Benutty gets omelets with sour cream on the side and I get the San Franciscan burger with extra pickles.
Long ago, I received a picture and text from Benutty. It read:
“12 kylie concerts = 3 tragic drag queens outside the fox = 12 trips to penny = 48 sour cream sides = jealous?”
Notice the glorious lights beckoning outward from Penny. Luring its victims into her oh-so-fried bosom.