Next stop… Horror!
You Know What I Hate?
Mar 9th
I hate people who lie. Like for example, my friend Fred was dating this guy Mark a couple years ago, and after 6 months of dating, Mark told him that he had brain cancer. Six months later things got really serious, and Mark wasn’t doing to good. Mark’s family was originally from Singapore, and he told Fred that there was a doctor in Singapore who he was going to see. This doctor was supposedly a friend of the family who they trusted. So Mark and his family flew to Singapore, leaving Fred behind, in hopes of getting some help, and saving his life. Apparently things didn’t go to well in Singapore, and Fred found out that Mark only had a day or so to live. With so little time left Fred couldn’t possibly make it to Singapore in time, and because of tradition they would have to immediately bury Mark. This meant that Fred would miss the funeral as well. Sure enough a couple hours later Mark’s mother contacts Fred to tell him of his death. With no closure Fred mourned the loss of Mark for the next year and a half, and recently just started putting his life back together. Fred was now dating again, and has been seeing a new man for the past month.
Yesterday Fred received a friend request on Facebook from his ex-boyfriend who died of brain cancer. Confused by this, Fred felt that someone was playing a cruel joke on him. Fred messaged this person, and asked what the hell was going on. This person responded with “I just wanted to say hi”. Fred decided to snoop around, and clicked to see his photo albums. All the pictures were of his ex-boyfriend Mark. There were pictures of Mark getting married to a woman, and many pictures of him and this woman kissing. Still confused, Fred decided to contact Mark’s brother about this mysterious person on Facebook claiming to be Mark. His brother simply said to him “It’s Mark…. He faked his death, and we all lied about it. I can’t tell you anything more though” That’s right…. He faked his death, and now is apparently straight living in Indonesia. Who the fuck does that? And who the fuck decides to notify you via a Facebook friend request!!?
Sadly… this is a true story.
So What! Who Cares?!?
Mar 9th
I had a zit on the inside of my nose once. It was painful. Like a deep pain. I could see a whitehead forming inside my nostril but I just couldn’t get to it. So I figured it would eventually go away. And it did. Then a few days later, a new zit appeared. This time on the outside of my nostril but in the same place as the inside zit. I was pissed. It hurt and grew. Finally, I couldn’t take it anymore and popped it. No sooner had I popped it and a single strand of hair came out of it, root first.
Yes, that’s right, folks & trolls. I had an ingrown nose hair come out backwards through the outside of my nostril. So what! Who cares?!?
Music! Makes the People Come Together
Mar 9th
I thought I’d share some new songs that I love. I found these artists while wandering around iTunes recently. Let me know what you thinkies.
Kids of 88 – Just A Little Bit
Make The Girl Dance – Kill It
Livvi Franc – Automatik
Shouldn’t Have Said It Then
Mar 8th
Aunt F doesn’t know who she is dealing with. When she tried to tell me she wasn’t going to compete in my Survivor challenge this year I had to tell her the business. Look at this email thread we had the other day:
Aunt F: not sure about playing this season, don’t really like all the lying to the face stuff, I’m too sensitive. Maybe I can help?
Benutty: No. You’re going to play.
Aunt F: You can’t make me. Gary Jr. might kill me.
Benutty: He loves you. He’d want to be on your tribe. Think of all the pre-game alliances you could make now that you know these fools!
Aunt F: Been done. We’ll see if you need people.
Benutty: hahahaha. Fine. We’ll play with Patron rather than beer.
Aunt F: I’m in.
In the words of Nicka — whatever mami wants, mami gets. yes.
Diet Update 03/08/10
Mar 8th
Mama say what?! I did a really good job this week of not going over my calorie limit, and I did some light exercise (biking, and walking). By some miracle I seem to have lost 5 pounds since last week. I don’t know where those 5 pounds were, but I hope they don’t come back. In all seriousness though, I am glad to see this outcome because I really had to restrain myself all week not to eat everything that I wanted. It’s nice to get rewarded for that. I’m also glad I had enough calories left over yesterday to enjoy Gary Jr.’s world famous pulled pork sandwiches. They were mighty delicious.
02/15/10 – 212 pounds
02/22/10 – 212 pounds (Failed)
03/01/10 – 210 pounds (-2)
03/08/10 – 205 pounds (-5)
D@2 Oscar Prediction Results!
Mar 8th
A big thanks to the Academy for restoring my faith in awards shows. This year’s show was produced really well and seemed to go by quickly while still including some really great moments. Highlights were Oprah’s speech about Precious, Tucci’s speech about Meryl, Ben Stiller as a Na’vi, Sandra Bullock’s dress and confession about her affair with Streep, Avatar losing Best Pic, and Taylor Lautner. I mean, the show was one of the more predictable in recent years, but without a doubt the biggest upsets were the White Ribbon (foreign film) and Fantastic Mr. Fox (animated feature) losses! Whoa — the two most deserving movies of the year go home empty handed?! Oh well.
And… the results for the D@2 Oscar predictions are as follows:
Benutty – 11
Gary Jr. – 7
Nick – 7
Sorry, Nick. Enjoy those Crayolas. Congrats to Benutty, you’re so smartiescutiesdrunkieswinnies. Yes.
Gary Jr.’s Oscar Party
Mar 7th
Tonight I attended Gary Jr’s oscar party, and let me tell you… It was a real hoot. Gary Jr. made his world famous pulled pork sandwiches, and the guest I dislike the most left the event even before it started… Score! Jay brought his mother’s world famous black bottom cupcakes… yummies…. yes! And I brought my award winning personality.
No oscar party is complete without an oscar pool, and Gary promised a fantastic prize this year. After some ups and downs I finally won the pool by guessing the winners of 13 categories correct, and what was this fantastic prize I won? Money? Glitz? Glamour? Fame?…nope… This!
Question of the Week (03/06 – 03/12)
Mar 6th
This week’s question was asked by Roman from Fresno, CA:
Q: Answer the following questions using no more than one sentence?
What person/s do you most credit with shaping who you are?
–Mostly the co-workers I had at Dimple Records.
If you were stranded on a desert island, what three people would you most want with you?
–Jay for logistical reasons, Alfie for strength, and Gary Jr. for humor and a source of food if we run out.
Who was the last person you know that you fantasized about having sex with?
–I probably my neighbor
Did you masturbate to this fantasy?
–No.. well not yet. haha
How long should foreplay last?
–Depends… anywhere from 5 to 15 minutes..
How long should intercourse last?
–Meh.. I say get it over with as fast as possible..
Have you ever licked food off of another person’s nipples or genitals?
–I don’t think I have.
Estimate: What is the most orgasms you’ve had in a single 24 hour period?
–Maybe 5 I think.
Have you ever engaged in a sexual activity while sitting on the toilet?
–No.. nothing like that should ever involve a toilet.
Have you ever done illegal drugs off the nipples or genitals of someone else?
–I don’t do those things..
What is the shortest period of time that you’ve had sex with someone after meeting them for the first time?
–10 or 15 minutes
Have you ever videotaped yourself having sex?
–Yes.. and when I watched it back it was like a horror movie.
Could you really just have sex with one person for the rest of your life?
–To be honest… probably not. oops.
What would your mom say if she could see how you answered these questions you sick fuck?
–She would be disappointed and wonder what she did wrong when raising me.
_________________________________
Stay tuned for the other responses this week.
Best Search Phrase Ever!
Mar 6th
Some lonely internet scavenger searched this term and found D@2:
“dirty names that go with gary”
I can think of a few — Nick, Jay, Misha and Alfie.
Clean names that go with Gary? — Kitty and Benutty.
Shouldn’t Have Said It Then
Mar 5th
Email thread between Gary Jr. & Benutty, 5:30pm
Gary: I’m hungry
Benutty: I knew you’d want Second Lunch. Cometh to Nickory’s tonight. She’ll have apples to eat.
Gary: Only piggies stuff their mouths with apples.
Benutty: hahaha I hate that she wouldn’t let us take a portrait of her like that. Maybe when she gets skinny (by the end of April, per Lose It!) she’ll let us.
Gary: I will die.
Benutty: So will she. When we tell her it’s a portrait but really it’s a D@2 video of her death at 2am. The Cow-Breather runs up and shoves the apple down Pig’s throat while Troll fakes taking her picture.
Text from Gary to Nick, 8:45pm
Gary: I’ll give you an apple for your pig face
Nick to Benutty at Safeway, 11:55pm
Nick: I’m gonna eat hella apples when I get home
Text from Benutty to Gary, 11:56pm
Benutty: at Safeway with Nick. He says “I’m gonna eat hella apples when I get home”
Gary: hehe. Like a good little piggy.
Nick’s Greatest Moments: The Bicycle Incident
Mar 5th
In 2002 I lived in Phoenix with my friend Jimmy, and I worked at Trader Joe’s about 4 miles from our home. I’ve never owned a car, so I would ride my bike to and from work. This specific Trader Joe’s was located in the parking lot of a large mall which I had to ride thru to get home.
One day I was leaving work around 10pm at night, and riding my bike thru the parking lot like I always do. As usual there were a lot of douche bags in cars that would honk at me, as if I was doing something wrong by riding my bike. I’m guessing these Phoenix types aren’t used to seeing people outside, seeing as it is so fucking hot there. As I was about to exit the mall parking lot this black BMW rolled up next me driving very slowly. Next thing I know I hear muffled gun shots… kind of like if someone had a silencer on their gun. I thought to myself, “holy shit… these bitches are trying to shoot me”. I started peddling faster, and they kept shooting. I heard one ricochet off my bike, and another flew by my ear. I decided I need to jump off this bike, and hid behind some bushes. Being Arizona though, they don’t have any damn bushes, all they have is cactus!
Then it happened!
I got hit in the back near my right shoulder. I jumped off my bike, and fell into some rocks. The pain was unbelievable. I reached around to check my wound, and I could feel the blood all over my back. I pulled my hand back in front of me to see the blood, but it wasn’t red. It was pink! These assholes shot me with a paintball gun. I looked up at the car, and I could hear them all laughing. I instantly got pissed. Since I worked for Trader Joe’s I had a box cutter on me, so I pulled it out, exposed the razor blade, and ran for the BMW. Before I could reach it though, it screeched away down the street.
When I got home Jimmy had a good laugh over my experience, and so did the man-whore I caught him with. (That’s right… I said it).
And that… is one of Nick’s Greatest Moments.
Think Before You Speak…er…IM
Mar 4th
Today at work, a coworker who shall remain anonymous IMed me. Below is the exchange:
Anonymous Coworker: This work is making my brain turn into mush. I can’t deal with seeing the same name over and over.
Gary Jr.: Oh? What’s the name?
Anonymous Coworker: Roberta.
Gary Jr.: Eww. Roberta is a dirty name.
Anonymous Coworker: Roberta is my aunt’s name.
Gary Jr.: Well, your aunt’s got a dirty name.
Anonymous Coworker: I suppose that’s true.
Gary Jr.: I’m sorry but putting an A after a boy’s name does not a girl’s name make!
Anonymous Coworker: Uh…
Anonymous Coworker: You’re really stepping in it!
Gary Jr.: Umm. Stepping in what?
Anonymous Coworker: Erika. Erik-a. That’s my name, jerk.
Gary Jr.: Oh you know what I mean.
Now Semi-Anonymous Coworker: I see. Asshole.
Gary Jr. has signed off.