Next stop… Horror!
Question of the Week (03/13 – 03/19)
Mar 13th
This week’s question was asked by FrankieRose of Sacramento, CA:
We all know that Lil’ Kim is the Queen B. Which Lil’ Kim song best represents the type of queen you are and why?
Thanks bitch for the question. For me, the one song by Lil Kim that has represented the type of queen I am is “Suck My Dick“. Unfortunately I could not find a good youtube clip of it, so I am just going to post the lyrics of the song. My Favorite parts are in bold.
Uh, uh, uh
Uh, uh, uh
To all my motherfuckin’ gettin’ money hoes
Used to sellin’ clothes
And all my ghetto bitches in the projects
Coming through like bulldozers
No, we ain’t sober
Bum bitches know better than to start shit
Niggas love a hard bitch
One that get up in a nigga’s ass quicker than an enema
Make a cat bleed then sprinkle it with vinegar
Kidnap the senator
Make him call his wife and say he never coming home
Kim got him in a zone beating they dicks
Even got some of these straight chicks rubbing their tits
[laughs]
What? I’m loving this shit
Queen Bitch!
What bitch you know can thug it like this?
Imagine if I was dude and hittin’ cats from the back
With no strings attached
Yeah nigga, picture that!
I treat y’all niggas like y’all treat us
No Doubt! Ay yo, yo
Come here so I can bust in ya mouth
[1 - Lil' Kim (Mr. Bristal)]
(Ay yo, come on here bitch)
Nigga FUCK YOU
(No, FUCK YOU BITCH)
Who you talking to?
(Why you actin’ like a BITCH?)
Cause y’all niggas ain’t shit
And if I was dude
I’d tell y’all to suck my dick
[Repeat 1]
No, no, no, no
All I wanna do is get my pussy sucked (Nigga!)
Count a million bucks in the back of an armor truck
While I get you fucked up off the T.O.N.Y.
The BX, the chron-chron
And the list goes on and on
(On and on and on)
Like Erykah Badu
Once he drink the Remi down
Ooh I got this nigga now
He asked me did I love him
I said what came to mind like niggas be doing
Yeah baby, I love you long time
Look I ain’t tryin’ to suck ya
I might not even fuck ya
Just lay me on this bed and give me some head
Got the camcord layin’ in the drawer where he can’t see
Can’t wait to show my girls he sucked the piss out my pussy
Been doin’ this for years, no need to practice
Take lessons from the Queen and you’ll know how to mack this
Niggas know he gave me all his cake
I peeled the Benji’s off and threw the singles back in his face
[Repeat 1 (2x)]
I’m gonna keep it real
For the dough I might kill
I’m try-na see my face on a hundred dollar bill
Met this dude name Jaleel at this Abdulla fight
He said he’d pay me ten grand just to belly dance
Cum all on his pants
I met him at the studio
He showed up with his homeboy named Julio
I said ‘Whoa! Who’s the other guy?’
Hope you know you paying extra for this fuckin’ third eye
Something about him, I knew he was a phony
Put the burner in his mouth
‘Fool, Give me my money!’
He was just a nigga frontin’ like he knew mad stars
In his homeboy’s whips like he got mad cars
Niggas ain’t shit but they still can trick
All they can do for me is suck my clit
I’m jumpin’ the fuck up until I cum
Thinkin’ they gon’ get some pussy but they gets none
[Repeat 1 fade out]
_________________________________
Stay tuned for the other responses this week.
Oh I’ll Mark My Spot Alright
Mar 13th
Thanks to 3rin I now have a new 3rd Obsession (1st Obsession is the Telephone video and 2nd Obsession is still Jiz). Three cheers for viral marketing campaigns.
And how much more sexy is Mehcad Brooks/Eggs knowing his stance on marriage??!!
Homework: Fairies
Mar 12th
Benutty told me I should post a poem I wrote, so I thought… why not.
I wrote this for a creative writing class at Sacramento City College back in 2000. I was in the class for 3 weeks. The assignment was easy: Write a poem that is 7 lines, each line must have a different number of syllables ranging from 1 to 7 syllables.
I got a C on this assignment. When I questioned the teacher why I got a C, she said it was because it lacked focus. I told her she was a dumb bitch, and dropped the class.
You believe in angels (6)
God (1)
In myth (2)
But you should know (4)
You’ve heard false (3)
Because there are no angels (7)
There’s only fairies (5)
I’m sorry but that is good stuff. That teacher needs to be fired.
So What! Who Cares?
Mar 12th
Nick and/or Gary Jr. may have had a stroke. But I’m not telling you who. So cares! Who what?
May is Strokes Awareness Month.
- STOP strokes
- Strokes are sudden. Notice changes in the person that just occurred suddenly.
- Risks include SMOKING, being TIPSY, OBESITY, PHYSICAL INACTIVITY, being a cow or a pig, or having it in the family.
- Act FAST
- Face, Face, Face. I give face, Nick. (Ask the person to smile. Does one side droop? Sorry, Nick. You had a stroke.)
- Arms. A Call to Arms!, Benutty (Ask the person to raise both arms. Does one drift downward? Sorry Benutty, you couldn’t raise your arms above your troll belly. Sorry, Benutty. You had a stroke.)
- Speech. State of the State, Jay (Ask the person to repeat a simple sentence. Are the words slurred or incorrect? Sorry Jay. You haven’t made sense since ‘82. Meh Meor Ahhe Labor Law. Sorry Jay. You had a stroke.)
- Time. Hey Baby got the time?, Alfie (Don’t waste time, bitches. Jump into my bed, Alfie. Oh and call 911 cuz you’re about to have a stroke…several strokes…with my free hand…Sorry Kitty).
Recipe for Class: GaGa Makes a Music Video Masterpiece
Mar 11th
The reason Lady GaGa is so goddamn amazing is because she cares. Caring is classy. Plain and simple. Compared to her contemporaries — politicians who don’t care enough to fix our failing system, citizens who don’t care enough to vote, blog readers who don’t care enough to comment, etc. — the Gaggers is a breath of fresh air. It’s just nice to have an entertainer who considers every aspect of her image, her audience, and her beliefs.
For evidence, look no further than the much anticipated “Telephone” video. It’s a motherfucking masterpiece. This is how you make a fucking classy music video:
And this how not to be classy:
Oops. Sorry, FrankieRose and I musta had a little too much champerelles.
Question of the Week (03/06 – 03/12)
Mar 11th
Q: Answer the following questions using no more than one sentence?
What person/s do you most credit with shaping who you are?
Oscar, Mark, Paul, Elijah, John, NoName1, Jamaal, DCharles, Francis, NoName2, X, Javier1, Dan, NYRandom, Justin, X, Javier2, Ed, and maybe a few others.
If you were stranded on a desert island, what three people would you most want with you?
Ozzy Lusth, James Clement, and Parvati Shallow
Who was the last person you know that you fantasized about having sex with?
Xtube#80912709821309
Did you masturbate to this fantasy?
Probably
How long should foreplay last?
Til I’m out of breath
How long should intercourse last?
Til I catch my breath
Have you ever licked food off of another person’s nipples or genitals?
I think I have
Estimate: What is the most orgasms you’ve had in a single 24 hour period?
Maybe 3
Have you ever engaged in a sexual activity while sitting on the toilet?
Not really
Have you ever done illegal drugs off the nipples or genitals of someone else?
Wishes it
What is the shortest period of time that you’ve had sex with someone after meeting them for the first time?
No time
Have you ever videotaped yourself having sex?
Masturbating, yes
Could you really just have sex with one person for the rest of your life?
Absolutely not
What would your mom say if she could see how you answered these questions you sick fuck?
She’d top every single one of them with a better story
_________________________________
Stay tuned for the other responses this week.
Gary Jr. Will Eat It
Mar 11th
Don’t get it twisted, folks & trolls. I will eat it.
I had my very first oyster on the half shell. I had two in fact. Slimy, yes. Oceany, kinda. Tasty, not my favorite. Lemon, helps.
Frankly, they were too big for me to swallow whole without thinking I would totally choke so I chewed a little and got all the slimy ocean organ flavors to meld together before sliding down my throat.
Don’t get it twisted, I’ll eat it.
These Are a Few of My Favorite Things
Mar 10th
I really fucking love a lot of things in the world, but two things I really really really freaking effing fucking love are 1) taking private investigator photos of strangers on my eyePhone, and 2) men’s crotches.
And on top of that, I jiz over a hottie that sits with his legs wide apart. Oooooooaaaahooohhh hunnnnns. Like these fine ass cookies:
I know, I know. I’m not a pro P.I. yet coz those pic-a-licks are hella mami blurry but the point is that all three of those guys are hot because they’re spreading their legs. Mmmmm. It’s like a cave you just wanna crawl into and hibernate in for the summer.
Nick’s Greatest Moments: The Mexican Food Incident
Mar 10th
In early 2002 I went on a lot of dates, and for the most part they were all awful. Jonathan was this white, boyish looking, kind of like that boy next door type. Basically he wasn’t really my type because at the time all I wanted were little hot Mexicans. Anyways we met online, and he asked me out to dinner and a movie. He said he would pick the movie, and I could pick the restaurant. I decided to pick my favorite Mexican restaurant at the time…524. That’s right… 524 is the name. He picked A Walk to Remember with Mandy Moore (boring!).
From the moment we met at 524, he was talking mad shit about the restaurant. How it looked dirty and how was in a ghetto neighborhood. I tired to explain to him that good Mexican food is always found in dive restaurants. 524 always gave each table two types of salsa, one that was pretty hot, and the other that was extremely hot. Jonathan decided to ignore my warning, and poured the extremely hot salsa all over his food. After about 10 minutes the poor kid was sweating, nose running, and totally miserable. That’s what you get when you don’t listen to me. (hint.. hint)
We headed off to the movie theatre, got good seats, and waited for the show to start. While we were talking I kept hearing grumbling noises. Kind of like when you are hungry and your stomach is yelling at you. Jonathan suddenly got out of his seat, and told me he was going to go get candy. After about 10 minutes the previews started, and still Jonathan was no where to be found. Finally about 3 minutes after the movie started he came back with Junior Mints. He claimed the line was long… in late January… the line was long. Yea right. About 15 minutes later I started hearing all sorts of grumbling sounds again. At this point I am putting two and two together, and I am figuring that the Mexican food did not agree with Jonathan’s stomach. He leans over to me, and tells me he is going to the bathroom. I guess I kind of forgot about him for a while because the next thing I know 20 minutes had passed, and he hadn’t returned yet. After waiting for 10 more minutes, I decide to go find the guy. I walked down to the bathrooms, and there was no one in the stalls. I walk over to the concession stands, and he isn’t there either. I go back into the movie theatre, and he is still no where in sight. I take out my cell phone, call him, and it goes right to voicemail. Mother fucker must have left me here. What a douche bag! I decided to head home, and forget this stupid night.
A couple weeks later I ran into him at a bar, and told him how rude it was that he just left me there. He explained that he was embarrassed that he had the shits, and I was like… “Hello… shit happens… like literally… shit happens.” We had a good laugh, and kept drinking. Cut to me leaving his apartment at 7 in the morning. Oops.
And that… is one of Nick’s Greatest Moments.
Dragonette & Little Boots at the Fillmore
Mar 10th
Class Actress? Really? They were okay. The lead singer lacked any sort of charisma on the stage. The most she did to engage the audience was remove her outer coat and shimmy from left to right. Overall impressions: cute sound but won’t last.
Dragonette? KILLED IT. Seriously. From the moment, they walked out onto the stage, all eyes were on this band. They command attention. Martina and company engaged the audience, had the Fillmore bumping and jumping and every song was a musical treat. Everything was amazing until security interrupted me filming Dragonette on my iPhone during Easy. The best song ever. He made me delete it! What? Really? No talking during Easy! You Security Bitch. Dragonette is going places. Their first CD: not so strong. Second CD: killer. Martina better buy some big sunglasses because Dragonette’s time has come.
Little Boots? Enters the stage in a silver lame druid robe. Her backup singers/musicians arrived in black druid robes. The big reveal? A gold poof. An inverted gold Lacroix poof on top of a gold slip dress cut at the upper thigh. Particularly not flattering for a woman with a pooch. LB was way too nervous and awkward for the first half of the performance at the Fillmore. Of course, screaming gays can always melt away stress and soon she was in her moment. Using the Tenori-on LB was able to really get the audience engaged during Meddle and by the time Remedy was performed, LB seriously killed it. For an encore, she repeated a little bit of Remedy for a loud drunken giant standing next to me. “Play Remedy again!” Ugh. And she finished up with a new song Echoes. Should be another goody.
Props to Little Boots for mentioning Arrested Development and Gob the magician. Props also for having your brother film you from the side with his flip cam. Haha. Boo Boos to Little Boots for thinking there was such a thing as the “San Francisco Stadium.” Boo Boos also for having abnormally short arms sticking out of the aforementioned gold poof. Not so cuties.
You Know What I Hate?
Mar 9th
I hate people who lie. Like for example, my friend Fred was dating this guy Mark a couple years ago, and after 6 months of dating, Mark told him that he had brain cancer. Six months later things got really serious, and Mark wasn’t doing to good. Mark’s family was originally from Singapore, and he told Fred that there was a doctor in Singapore who he was going to see. This doctor was supposedly a friend of the family who they trusted. So Mark and his family flew to Singapore, leaving Fred behind, in hopes of getting some help, and saving his life. Apparently things didn’t go to well in Singapore, and Fred found out that Mark only had a day or so to live. With so little time left Fred couldn’t possibly make it to Singapore in time, and because of tradition they would have to immediately bury Mark. This meant that Fred would miss the funeral as well. Sure enough a couple hours later Mark’s mother contacts Fred to tell him of his death. With no closure Fred mourned the loss of Mark for the next year and a half, and recently just started putting his life back together. Fred was now dating again, and has been seeing a new man for the past month.
Yesterday Fred received a friend request on Facebook from his ex-boyfriend who died of brain cancer. Confused by this, Fred felt that someone was playing a cruel joke on him. Fred messaged this person, and asked what the hell was going on. This person responded with “I just wanted to say hi”. Fred decided to snoop around, and clicked to see his photo albums. All the pictures were of his ex-boyfriend Mark. There were pictures of Mark getting married to a woman, and many pictures of him and this woman kissing. Still confused, Fred decided to contact Mark’s brother about this mysterious person on Facebook claiming to be Mark. His brother simply said to him “It’s Mark…. He faked his death, and we all lied about it. I can’t tell you anything more though” That’s right…. He faked his death, and now is apparently straight living in Indonesia. Who the fuck does that? And who the fuck decides to notify you via a Facebook friend request!!?
Sadly… this is a true story.
So What! Who Cares?!?
Mar 9th
I had a zit on the inside of my nose once. It was painful. Like a deep pain. I could see a whitehead forming inside my nostril but I just couldn’t get to it. So I figured it would eventually go away. And it did. Then a few days later, a new zit appeared. This time on the outside of my nostril but in the same place as the inside zit. I was pissed. It hurt and grew. Finally, I couldn’t take it anymore and popped it. No sooner had I popped it and a single strand of hair came out of it, root first.
Yes, that’s right, folks & trolls. I had an ingrown nose hair come out backwards through the outside of my nostril. So what! Who cares?!?
Music! Makes the People Come Together
Mar 9th
I thought I’d share some new songs that I love. I found these artists while wandering around iTunes recently. Let me know what you thinkies.
Kids of 88 – Just A Little Bit
Make The Girl Dance – Kill It
Livvi Franc – Automatik
Shouldn’t Have Said It Then
Mar 8th
Aunt F doesn’t know who she is dealing with. When she tried to tell me she wasn’t going to compete in my Survivor challenge this year I had to tell her the business. Look at this email thread we had the other day:
Aunt F: not sure about playing this season, don’t really like all the lying to the face stuff, I’m too sensitive. Maybe I can help?
Benutty: No. You’re going to play.
Aunt F: You can’t make me. Gary Jr. might kill me.
Benutty: He loves you. He’d want to be on your tribe. Think of all the pre-game alliances you could make now that you know these fools!
Aunt F: Been done. We’ll see if you need people.
Benutty: hahahaha. Fine. We’ll play with Patron rather than beer.
Aunt F: I’m in.
In the words of Nicka — whatever mami wants, mami gets. yes.